How do you tell a man no?

I had a similar experience several years ago.

I was working in the bar I'm now at, and had a very "normal" seeming customer who asked me out, I had a boyfriend and told him so, and he seemed fine with that...at the time.
He continued to frequent the bar, would make polite conversation, and I didn't think anything of it.
Then the trouble started. Somehow he found out where I lived...he may have followed me home as I was still driving at this time. I started to find flowers and cards at my door in the morning, love letters in my mailbox with no stamps on them, and sometime just envelopes with money in them...all with no name.
This would happen about every other day.
This really scared me, as I had no idea who it was, and he obviously knew the "safe" times to leave these things.
He also could've very easily been watching me when I was home!
Finally after about 2 months of this, he wrote his name and number down for a customer, I saw it, and recognized the writing...I freaked!
I told I knew what he'd been doing, and to stop. He apologized, and left the bar.
3 days later, when I got home from work at 3 a.m. my front door (I lived in a small house then) was wide open, and so was a window in front.
I went to the corner market and called the police. (no way was I going inside!)
When we entered the house, all my clothes had been piled on my waterbed (this was the early '80's) and the bed had been slashed ruining my clothes, my sons babybook was gone, many photos had been taken from albums...but not all (this was scary because he obviously took his sweet time), my underwear drawer was ransacked and items (sexy) were gone, and he had poured Comet/Ajax cleanser into my large aquarium, killing my fish!
Nothing of monetary value was missing, which made me believe it was him.
The police dusted the place, and found prints but had no record of them.
After this happened, I never got another note or anything else from him, and he never returned to the bar...

I never encouraged this guy and this is what happened to me...don't even talk to this man Alicia, I got off lucky.
Be smart and be safe.

This is why I stressed the importance of being assertive in my reply. Alicia , you come off as being a shy sort of person, and if you are not strong and assertive with a man like this, he will try and push you if he can. I don't worry about hurting people's feelings anymore. Remember, you don't owe this guy anything, no explanation for why you don't want to go out with him. Heck, you don't even owe him your time. Just be stern and tell him, no you aren't interested. If he pushes the issue, tell him you don't owe him an explanation, you are just not interested. And then tell him, LOUDLY, that he is SEXUALLY HARASSING you, making you feel uncomfortable, and if he continues to do so, you will call the authorities. If possible, say this with phone in hand. And always look the man square in the eyes.

And let your boss and coworkers know this guy is a problem. The more people know, the better for you. He might be harassing another person at your work. At least if he comes in, someone else will be able to keep an eye on him too. And if he continues to bother you so that it interferes with your ability to work (hiding in the cooler for half an hour!), then it is defintely your boss's business. A sympathetic boss might even know a way to prevent him from coming in.

You should absolutlely let friends/family know of this guy, JUST IN CASE. And I would also let the local PD know, you can never be too safe. And there are some real sicko's out there. If he is being as insistant as you seem to be saying, I think its already a problem. Think smart, and stay safe!

Thank you everyone for your advise. The man came to my work on Friday and started harassing me. Well, I finally told him off! I told him he was too old and that I had a boyfriend. He kept telling me that I don't know what I was missing. I told my boss about it and he told the guy to leave and never come back. The 7-11 store has 24 hour survellience cameras where four places are being monitored. My supervisor also gives me rides home so that I don't have to ride the bus and face him. I am also trying to by pepper mace to carry.

Sounds like you have it settled but just in case:

Why not take a man with you (friend, brother, anyone) and have him put his arm around you. And if he still talks to you say this is so and so and no explanations. It could work.

You can say your not interested and make it sound real and it is real. But this does not always work. I had a neighbor man who attempted to try out his new Viagra perscription on me, I was not aware this was coming until he very quickly backed me into an outside wall of a garage and tried to force himself on me. No amount of pushing and yelling to stop, I was not interested and please not to do this, made any impression on him. I finally went limp, he eased up and I made a break and ran for it. This was soo disturbing to me, I had no intention of a boyfriend or any type of relationship with this man. His Dr. just gave him a perscription and he thought been I have been a widow for 4 1/2 years, I ought to be ready! I was and am thouroghly disgusted with this attitude, I had thought at nearly 60 years old that I was done with all that. If I was out flaunting myself that would be different but if I ever get interested in any man again, it will be after dating, friendship and the whole line of getting to know each other, taking our time. Dinner might be nice.
OK, now I've blown off my opinion and I do hope you can get through to him in an affirmative way. Good luck.

I am disgusted every time I hear about these losers. These are NOT men..they are total scum.

But people,I know you get all this "Don't resist' garbage all the time. That is PURE BULL!! These...things..are not "nice guys". They are not "poor souls" or "misunderstood". They are gutter trash or worse. Stalkers aren't lonely or "in love with you"..they see you as a THING they want to possess. They are just as nuts as bin Laden.

Tell the Social workers and other "experts" who tell you to scream but be passive to cram it...sideways. RESIST,RESIST,RESIST..HARD. You don't have to be big to hurt him. Go for his eyes with your fingers,hit him in the throat(adam's apple),use your knee or whatever on his "privates". Punch,kick,claw,bite..go crazy on him. Yell and curse him at the top of your lungs..you want people to look.

Forget mace or pepper spray. these whackos know about that and expect it. A woman's purse is an arsenal. For example,carry a metal pen..makes a dandy dagger. Stick him with it,repeatedly,wherever you can. A comb in the eyes..whatever. even a tightly rolled newspaper makes a weapon. Swing like a club,or thrust like a sword.

Don't worry about hurting him..that's what he intends to do to you. Stop thinking of this trash as a person.

You know, I just had a version of this discussion on another site, and I got lambasted for giving the advice to fight back. A woman who is a rape crisis counsellor said that lots of attackers like the struggle! Who knew? I guess every situation is different. You will have to judge your attacker if it happens.

Anyway . . .

If you have keys, carry them in your fist with a big one sticking out from between your fingers. Also, a big metal keychain is good to swing - mine has a mountain climbing hook on it, weighs a ton, good for brass knuckles. oops, those are illegal, sorry.

Remember that a woman's strength is in her lower body - and so is a man's vulnerability. Kick and kick and kick again.

A friend of mine who used to teach karate told me that, if you can get two fingers up someone's nostrils, their head will always follow their nose. So noses make a good handle - as in, he has you against a brick wall and you manage to smash his forehead into it.

I don't know about pepper spray - that's illegal in some places too - but a good old air horn is useful. We used to have one as a distress signal when my parents had a boat, so you can imagine it is quite loud. Close to someone's ear, it should at least stun him if not actually blow out an eardrum. And since it doesn't sound like a car alarm, people are pretty likely to at least look.

Hey, let a few of your neighbors know. If he can't get to you at work, he might try to find you at home. Not to scare you, but so you can be prepared.

What an amazing boss you have! There's someone who cares about his employees more than about making the sale. Good for you for speaking up.

and I asked him for the most useful moves if I am ever attacked. He said that if you are going to resist, be SERIOUS about it. Here is the advice he gave me. It requires no practice or props.
1. Put your hands on the sides of his head, and gouge out his eyes, from the outside corners in, with your thumbs.
2. Get your teeth up against his throat at his adam's apple, bite down HARD and tear out his windpipe.
3. DON'T EVER GO ANYWHERE. If someone tries to push you into a car, etc, that is the time to fight. Fewer than 2% of victims leave the second scene unharmed. How's that for motivation?
I know these things sound gross, but I firmly belive I could do them if provoked by the thought of rape or death. I think it would be easier to forgive myself for these things than for not fighting hard enough.

Nena

If you have to walk somewhere alone be prepared. Every day on my way home from work I have to walk down a poorly lit side street that crosses over a ravine. I always have my keys laced thru my right hand (I am right handed) & I am prepared to gouge someone's eyes out if I have too. My sister was sexually assaulted in the neighbourhood a few years back on the steps of our church. She was waiting outside for me at night after a choir practice. If it can happen at a church it can happen anywhere. When you walk somewhere always walk like you have somewhere to go - walk with purpose.

I hesitated for a long while before saying anything here since often this type of problem is seen as "only a woman understands". I do appreciate that there are feelings in this issue that ARE particular to women,but at it's base it is intimidation. All of us have had someone try to cow us at one time or another. Certainly with most grown men it's usually more psychological but every boy has had to face a "bully" on the way up. The basic principle is the same.

The "hide or submit" mantra that is preached by the "experts" is a bunch of effete,intellectual crap. It belongs with the wooly headed idea of "negotiating" with the bin Ladens of the world.

It sickens me to see people telling women,or children,that you have to live your life in fear because the freaks have "rights". The police do the best they can,but they cannot be with you 24/7. You have to take responsibility for your own defence.

Certainly it is better to avoid violence and confrontation if possible and there is no one method that will guarantee perfect safety. You still have to use your head and avoid setting yourself up for this type of situation. It amazes me how often women will go partying at a bar or club,get swacked,flirt with every guy in the place and then cry because some guy thinks you're looking for a quickie. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck......

The best advice I can give you is to go take a good course in self-defence. Many YMCA's have them or can recommend one. Many martial arts schools are likewise. You don't have to become a black belt,but actually being able to "practice" with another person will let you see you CAN handle yourself. You will be amazed at your self-confidence levels and how much freer you will feel.

Take your kids along,it's a good lesson for them too. Maybe the young girls will stop dressing like teen-age hookers..but that's a whole different thread.

At any rate I wish you a new year with much less fear.