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How do you tell a man no?

post #1 of 35
Thread Starter 
Recently a man who stops at seven eleven when I work there is making advances at me. He rides the same bus as me so he began talking to me. Sometimes I wish I would have lied and told him I have a boyfriend. We started talking and he wanted to know if we could be a pair. I told him no, that I prefer friendship. I never ask his age but he seems to be in his mid 40s or 50s. He is not bad looking but I don't feel anything for him and I told him so. I didn't want to tell him I am not interested in him because I prefer men that are between 27 and 30 years. The kind of man I want is one who likes to work, has a steady relationship with his family(this man dosen't), loves children,and animals, and he needs to be religious. Those are important in a relationship. No sex until I really think this is the guy. I want a guy who can respect me. This man, I never made any interested passes at me. All other men who make advances at me and I am not interested, I tell them I have a boyfriend. Or married. I don't have a ring because I took it off when my relationship with my husband ended. How do I tell the guy I am not interested? Should I tell him because he looks old enough to be my father? I've told him no, but his very insistant. Luckily, I haven't given him my number or told him where I live. But this man is very stubborn. Uh!
post #2 of 35
Now I don't know how good of advice this is but, if you tried to be nice and it didn't work maybe it's time to get a little pushy. Some people just don't seem to get the hint no matter how nice you are. There is one sure fire way to get through to them Be Rude! Say "No I'm not interested in you. Leave me alone you creep!" or something along those lines. Don't get me wrong I'm a very nice person and hate being rude to anyone it goes againts my very nature but sometimes it's the only way! I hope someone else has a better idea for you!
post #3 of 35
I have to agree with buttercup, although I'm not very good at being rude or pushy myself! This seems to be the only approach that type of man understands!

I have ALWAYS had a hard time turning away men I'm not interested in... until I saw my best friend do it a couple of months ago. Keep in mind this girl is about 5'2" and can't weigh 95 pounds - she's hardly there! This guy that we both know (I personally think he's SUPER cute, but a total clash as far as personalities go...) would NOT leave her alone. We were at our local annual celebration - called "Strawberry Days" - wandering around looking at the vendor's booths. This guy was following us around, and kept asking her to go out with him, and asking why she wouldn't and darn near begging her... she finally had had enough of it, turned around and said "I don't want to go out with you because I don't like the way you act, and standing there begging me isn't making you look any better in my eyes. I WILL NOT GO OUT WITH YOU. EVER. LISTEN ONE MORE TIME - NO!!!!" Both of us stood there staring at her... we were both shocked! Needless to say, he left her alone. (Although every time he sees ME now he asks if I think she might have changed her mind... )

Anyway, now I know how to handle men like that!

One more thing ~ I'm pretty sure this is my 100th post... I should be a full fledged adult cat now! YAY!
post #4 of 35

I have also had this problem. I finally told the guy I was gay (I'm not but he didn't know that). After that he left me alone. It's very frustrating when people just don't get it.

Good luck!
post #5 of 35
Donna - That's what I was going to suggest!
post #6 of 35
I'm a bartender and I ride the bus too, so I come accross this problem often.

I just politely tell them "I'm sorry, I'm not ready to see anyone right now" (they have never once asked Why?), or I tell them I'm involved (too late for you to use this one though), or if they persist, I just physically get away from them...they get the hint.

Scott gave me a promise ring for our 1 year anniversary in October, so that has made it Much easier, but these ideas worked before.

Good luck to you.
post #7 of 35
Oh yeah, the Gay routine is great if you'll never see them again, but might not be a good idea at work....pretty soon the whole store will be ablaze with rumours!

post #8 of 35
You could tell him you are getting back together with your husband. Put your ring back on and no one will know the difference. It's a shame you must resort to lying to get rid of this guy, but sometimes it is just easier.
post #9 of 35
Don't you hate that? He's probably old enought to have adopted that attitude about "saying no is playing hard to get". I notice younger guys seem to expect that no means no, but there are exceptions. Also, sometimes older guys think they are being cute and flirty but it feels like harassment. It's just things have changed a lot and they don't always keep up.

Why don't you tell him he's too old? You can honestly say you didn't tell him that before because you didn't want to hurt his feelings.

You can also tell him you've met someone. I think guys like that don't realize you have a life apart from them (they seem very self-centered, they can't accept you don't want to go out with them) so he might be surprised to hear it. If he keeps asking you about it, you can say you aren't comfortable talking to a stranger about your personal life, and if he keeps asking you just say "None of your business." He might be an acquaintance, but he's not a friend, at least I get that impression from your description.

I agree about not starting a rumor about your sexuality that might backfire at work. And I have found that a raised voice around someone who might be in a position to assist you (bus driver, boss, coworker who knows about the situation) can bring good results. If nothing else, to say "I DON'T want to go out with you, you're too old for me, please leave me alone!" where someone overhears you might embarass him.

Just a few thoughts, and a lot of sympathy.
post #10 of 35

:laughing2 Ya know, in these times if you tell a guy you're gay, they're even more intrigued! :LOL: SICK! For me, I would have to go with the direct approach and tell him like it is.
"I'm not interested, and if you keep it up, I won't even be an acquaitance" and if that doesn't do it, I'd probably say, if you don't leave me alone, I'm going to have to call the police for your harrassment. Boom! The End of that guy! hahaha

I don't know anything more obnoxious than some guy that thinks he could have a chance with you! When they're bold enough to think that your hearts melting when you look at them! Ewwwww...You have your hands full, you definitely don't need that!
Keep us posted on how ya do

post #11 of 35
I wouldn't say you were gay ...... might start rumors, etc, that you don't want! I would just tell him you aren't interested, and if he doesn't stop you will call the police. Hopefully, that will end it!
post #12 of 35
One of my sisters is single, and sometimes she will be out having a drink or two with friends. A guy she doesn't know will come up and start trying to talk to her, and just start being a major pain that doesn't understand the word no. My sister can make herself sound exactly like Donald Duck! She will say in a very loud and very perfect Donald Duck voice "What is your problem? Can't you see I'm busy? Go away and leave me alone!" And the guy leaves very quickly after that!
post #13 of 35
:LOL: Now, that is too funny!
post #14 of 35
The best thing to do is to look the man in the eyes, and tell him you are NOT interested. And you must seem very sure of yourself. If not, he can tell, and he'll keep on with you, thinking that eventually you'll break down under pressure. You MUST be assertive. It's the only way to go.

I usually just throw my head back and give a good hearty laugh, then pat the man on the head while looking sympathetic and say "Oh how cute" But that's a pretty bold move that many gals may not be comfortable with. But humiliation works. I'm probably going to get shot one of these days.
post #15 of 35
Good tactic Illusion :LOL:
(although I'm not sure that I'd like to touch most of the men that hit on me! )
post #16 of 35
Thread Starter 
Well, I have discovered his work schedule. So I am usually on the bus an hour or so after he is off. I haven't seen him though. I remember one time he asked me to meet him at outside a gas station near my house. He wouldn't let me go until I promised him I'd meet him. It was the night before Thanksgiving. He had asked me to dinner on thanksgiving and I told him I was going with my mother(not true). I went shopping at the grocery store across the street from were I told him I'd meet him. Well, I did wait for him until I got cold. It was seven at night and it was dark. So I had to leave. Luckily, I haven't run into him. I am very good to avoid him. I almost ran into him at work. i saw him coming but he didn't see me. So I ran to hide in the vault(the cold place were they have all the cold drinks and beer.) I can see people coming and going through the place without them seeing me. So I saw him getting his coffee. I thought he'd never leave. But half an hour later he left. I waited a while longer before punching out of work and going to the bus. He was gone. But who knows when I will run into him. Thanks for the advice. I will print it and put it on a wall in my room to remember them.
post #17 of 35
Apart from all the good advice given here, I think you should make sure your family knows about this person. He's probably harmless, but you never know. Do you know his name, address, phone number? You should give them to your family and keep them in the picture.

I know how you feel and it's a terrible feeling. Remember you are not to blame for this man's personal problems. You are in fact being stalked by him and you shouldn't go on like this, changing your routine just to avoid him.

Check out this link for info:
post #18 of 35
do NOT agree to meet him, no matter how insistant he is. He will read this as you encouraging him. If you do anything that he construes as a 'green light' he will only pester you more relentlessly. DO NOT AGREE TO MEET HIM, AND DON'T ACTUALLY GO MEET HIM ALONE ANYWHERE. YOU ARE ASKING FOR TROUBLE. IF HE DOESN'T LET YOU GO UNTIL YOU AGREE, THEN YELL FOR HELP (IF HE IS PHYSICALLY STOPPING YOU FROM WALKING AWAY)
post #19 of 35

Like AP said, do not go alone to meet him anywhere. If he prevents you from walking away, YELL FIRE!!!! That will get people's attention more than HELP!. This guy sounds like the filter in his gene pool is broken.

Years ago I had a student who was in one of my State Police classes I was teaching in stalk me. He would sit in front of my house in his car and wait for me to come home. He'd call (this was before stalking laws and Caller I.D.) and let it ring, 20-30 times a day. One day I got home from work early. He evidently called me at work and found out I left early because shortly thereafter he showed up at my house. There I was, curled up in a corner in the second floor bedroom with all the drapes drawn, whispering on the phone to then best friend who was telling me to get out of my house fast. I was terrified.

Please do yourself a favor and listen to everyone's advice. If you have to, go to the police or his place of work and file a complaint. And for heaven's sake, don't talk to him, do not meet him. He sounds like trouble.
post #20 of 35
I was stalked once after I got divorced, by a perfect stranger. He followed me everywhere, and I mean everywhere. I was working with a publishing company at the time and was traveling throughout Northern and Southern California and while I was in San Diego, this man saw me, became fixated on me and stalked me for 2 months until finally my regional manager went to the owner of the Oakwoods and told him if he didn't do something about it, the owner was going to lose all of Donnelley's business, and they typically brought in about 40 renters a month. Finally the man was sent back to his own home state- he traveled too and thankfully his state was Detroit. I lost over 90 pounds, wore out my welcome at all my sales reps and secretaries apartments (scared to go to mine alone) or I would be holed up for the weekends unable to go out and enjoy myself because he was standing just a few feet from my front door. This was back in the early 80's when stalking laws were virtually nonexistant. It was the most terrifying ordeal of my life and you are asking for trouble if you even suggest to this man you are interested. Everyone here has told you how to say NO, it is up to you to find that inner resolve that you have and stand up for yourself and tell him to GO AWAY!
post #21 of 35
I had a similar experience several years ago.

I was working in the bar I'm now at, and had a very "normal" seeming customer who asked me out, I had a boyfriend and told him so, and he seemed fine with that...at the time.
He continued to frequent the bar, would make polite conversation, and I didn't think anything of it.
Then the trouble started. Somehow he found out where I lived...he may have followed me home as I was still driving at this time. I started to find flowers and cards at my door in the morning, love letters in my mailbox with no stamps on them, and sometime just envelopes with money in them...all with no name.
This would happen about every other day.
This really scared me, as I had no idea who it was, and he obviously knew the "safe" times to leave these things.
He also could've very easily been watching me when I was home!
Finally after about 2 months of this, he wrote his name and number down for a customer, I saw it, and recognized the writing...I freaked!
I told I knew what he'd been doing, and to stop. He apologized, and left the bar.
3 days later, when I got home from work at 3 a.m. my front door (I lived in a small house then) was wide open, and so was a window in front.
I went to the corner market and called the police. (no way was I going inside!)
When we entered the house, all my clothes had been piled on my waterbed (this was the early '80's) and the bed had been slashed ruining my clothes, my sons babybook was gone, many photos had been taken from albums...but not all (this was scary because he obviously took his sweet time), my underwear drawer was ransacked and items (sexy) were gone, and he had poured Comet/Ajax cleanser into my large aquarium, killing my fish!
Nothing of monetary value was missing, which made me believe it was him.
The police dusted the place, and found prints but had no record of them.
After this happened, I never got another note or anything else from him, and he never returned to the bar...

I never encouraged this guy and this is what happened to me...don't even talk to this man Alicia, I got off lucky.
Be smart and be safe.
post #22 of 35
This is why I stressed the importance of being assertive in my reply. Alicia , you come off as being a shy sort of person, and if you are not strong and assertive with a man like this, he will try and push you if he can. I don't worry about hurting people's feelings anymore. Remember, you don't owe this guy anything, no explanation for why you don't want to go out with him. Heck, you don't even owe him your time. Just be stern and tell him, no you aren't interested. If he pushes the issue, tell him you don't owe him an explanation, you are just not interested. And then tell him, LOUDLY, that he is SEXUALLY HARASSING you, making you feel uncomfortable, and if he continues to do so, you will call the authorities. If possible, say this with phone in hand. And always look the man square in the eyes.
post #23 of 35

Holy cow Cleo, that was some story!

Alicia, I really hope you're taking heed to these suggestions and stand firm to this guy. The women here have told you some very real scary stories. You don't owe him the time of day...so, don't even feel like you have to talk to him. He's nothing but a stranger, who's harrassing you. Tell him to get lost Alicia or tell him you'll call the police...

I know you're going through some personal issues, but I know you can muster the courage up to stand your ground against this him.

Please keep us posted...

post #24 of 35
And let your boss and coworkers know this guy is a problem. The more people know, the better for you. He might be harassing another person at your work. At least if he comes in, someone else will be able to keep an eye on him too. And if he continues to bother you so that it interferes with your ability to work (hiding in the cooler for half an hour!), then it is defintely your boss's business. A sympathetic boss might even know a way to prevent him from coming in.
post #25 of 35
You should absolutlely let friends/family know of this guy, JUST IN CASE. And I would also let the local PD know, you can never be too safe. And there are some real sicko's out there. If he is being as insistant as you seem to be saying, I think its already a problem. Think smart, and stay safe!
post #26 of 35
Thread Starter 
Thank you everyone for your advise. The man came to my work on Friday and started harassing me. Well, I finally told him off! I told him he was too old and that I had a boyfriend. He kept telling me that I don't know what I was missing. I told my boss about it and he told the guy to leave and never come back. The 7-11 store has 24 hour survellience cameras where four places are being monitored. My supervisor also gives me rides home so that I don't have to ride the bus and face him. I am also trying to by pepper mace to carry.
post #27 of 35
Sounds like you have it settled but just in case:

Why not take a man with you (friend, brother, anyone) and have him put his arm around you. And if he still talks to you say this is so and so and no explanations. It could work.
post #28 of 35


Wow, I bet that sent your adrenaline! Never can tell though...just be careful and never let your guard down. Keep alert at all times. I'm sure you've thought of this, but it always helps when you have a support group. Good luck sweetie! I'm so glad your boss told him off too and is giving you rides home...that's so awesome.

Love & Hugs,
post #29 of 35
You can say your not interested and make it sound real and it is real. But this does not always work. I had a neighbor man who attempted to try out his new Viagra perscription on me, I was not aware this was coming until he very quickly backed me into an outside wall of a garage and tried to force himself on me. No amount of pushing and yelling to stop, I was not interested and please not to do this, made any impression on him. I finally went limp, he eased up and I made a break and ran for it. This was soo disturbing to me, I had no intention of a boyfriend or any type of relationship with this man. His Dr. just gave him a perscription and he thought been I have been a widow for 4 1/2 years, I ought to be ready! I was and am thouroghly disgusted with this attitude, I had thought at nearly 60 years old that I was done with all that. If I was out flaunting myself that would be different but if I ever get interested in any man again, it will be after dating, friendship and the whole line of getting to know each other, taking our time. Dinner might be nice.
OK, now I've blown off my opinion and I do hope you can get through to him in an affirmative way. Good luck.
post #30 of 35
I am disgusted every time I hear about these losers. These are NOT men..they are total scum.

But people,I know you get all this "Don't resist' garbage all the time. That is PURE BULL!! These...things..are not "nice guys". They are not "poor souls" or "misunderstood". They are gutter trash or worse. Stalkers aren't lonely or "in love with you"..they see you as a THING they want to possess. They are just as nuts as bin Laden.

Tell the Social workers and other "experts" who tell you to scream but be passive to cram it...sideways. RESIST,RESIST,RESIST..HARD. You don't have to be big to hurt him. Go for his eyes with your fingers,hit him in the throat(adam's apple),use your knee or whatever on his "privates". Punch,kick,claw,bite..go crazy on him. Yell and curse him at the top of your lungs..you want people to look.

Forget mace or pepper spray. these whackos know about that and expect it. A woman's purse is an arsenal. For example,carry a metal pen..makes a dandy dagger. Stick him with it,repeatedly,wherever you can. A comb in the eyes..whatever. even a tightly rolled newspaper makes a weapon. Swing like a club,or thrust like a sword.

Don't worry about hurting him..that's what he intends to do to you. Stop thinking of this trash as a person.
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