WEEK AT THE GYM - ONE MAN'S STORY
Dear Diary...
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local
health club for me. Although I am still in great
shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go
ahead and give it a try.
Called the club and made my reservations with a
personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself
as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and model for
athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed
pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my
progress.............
Monday:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough t! o get out of bed,
but and it was well worth it when I arrived at the
health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is
something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair,
dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
Woo Hoo!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill.
She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I
attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra
aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way
in which she conducted her aerobics class after my
workout today.
Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my
sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from
holding it in the whole time she was around. This is
going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it
out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and
push a heavy iron bar! into the air-then she put
weights on it! My legs were a litt le wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's
rewarding smile made it all worth while. I
feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and
forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both
pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club
parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me,
insisting that my screams bothered other club members.
Her voice is a little too perky for early in the
morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally
whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda
put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would
anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it
would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said
some other **** too.
Thursday:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a
full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour
late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not
looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent
Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the
rowing machine - which I sank.
Friday:
I hate that bitch Belinda more that any human being
has ever hated any other human being in the history of
the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader.
If there was a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any
triceps! And if you don't want dents in! the floor,
don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything
that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure
you learned in the sadist school you attended and
graduated magna cum laude from.)
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health
and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been
someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
director?
Saturday:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her
grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up
today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the
machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up
catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services
today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is
over. I will also pray that next year my wife (the
bitch) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a
root canal or a vasectomy.
Dear Diary...
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local
health club for me. Although I am still in great
shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go
ahead and give it a try.
Called the club and made my reservations with a
personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself
as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and model for
athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed
pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my
progress.............
Monday:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough t! o get out of bed,
but and it was well worth it when I arrived at the
health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is
something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair,
dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
Woo Hoo!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill.
She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I
attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra
aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way
in which she conducted her aerobics class after my
workout today.
Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my
sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from
holding it in the whole time she was around. This is
going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it
out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and
push a heavy iron bar! into the air-then she put
weights on it! My legs were a litt le wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's
rewarding smile made it all worth while. I
feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and
forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both
pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club
parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me,
insisting that my screams bothered other club members.
Her voice is a little too perky for early in the
morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally
whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda
put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would
anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it
would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said
some other **** too.
Thursday:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a
full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour
late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not
looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent
Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the
rowing machine - which I sank.
Friday:
I hate that bitch Belinda more that any human being
has ever hated any other human being in the history of
the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader.
If there was a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any
triceps! And if you don't want dents in! the floor,
don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything
that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure
you learned in the sadist school you attended and
graduated magna cum laude from.)
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health
and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been
someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
director?
Saturday:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her
grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up
today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the
machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up
catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services
today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is
over. I will also pray that next year my wife (the
bitch) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a
root canal or a vasectomy.
