I need "neutral" opinions....

One more thing about him HITTING THE PIKE:

When "that magic moment" happens --- when he is on that road out the door, and your sister has gained her life back (not being called stupid any more, not being made fun of any more or put DOWN any more) --- he WILL react.

He will either lose it mentally (because, she existed SOLEY for him to put down so he could feel higher than her... feel better about hisDipstickSelf), OR he will become physically abusive and start wailing on her.

I know the types, and even the emotionally abusive losers like Dipstick who would probably 'never' hit a woman ---- he just might, once he sees she is serious about taking away his reason to be filled with hate. All that hate he has inside for her might come barrelling forth once she leaves him.

Either she needs to have someone there with her when she ends it with him and he's on his way out --- (police? a big strong guy who isn't a Loser?) or she needs to take self-defense lessons. That, or a ton of bottled up rage she can let loose on HIS sorry a$s. Once again the losery types like Dipstick tend to be utter wimps and I betcha if it came down to it, I could kick his butt.

Anyway keep us posted, having been there myself, I know what I'm talking about.

Originally Posted by darkeyedgirl

One more thing about him HITTING THE PIKE:

When "that magic moment" happens --- when he is on that road out the door, and your sister has gained her life back (not being called stupid any more, not being made fun of any more or put DOWN any more) --- he WILL react.

He will either lose it mentally (because, she existed SOLEY for him to put down so he could feel higher than her... feel better about hisDipstickSelf), OR he will become physically abusive and start wailing on her.

I know the types, and even the emotionally abusive losers like Dipstick who would probably 'never' hit a woman ---- he just might, once he sees she is serious about taking away his reason to be filled with hate. All that hate he has inside for her might come barrelling forth once she leaves him.

Either she needs to have someone there with her when she ends it with him and he's on his way out --- (police? a big strong guy who isn't a Loser?) or she needs to take self-defense lessons. That, or a ton of bottled up rage she can let loose on HIS sorry a$s. Once again the losery types like Dipstick tend to be utter wimps and I betcha if it came down to it, I could kick his butt.

Anyway keep us posted, having been there myself, I know what I'm talking about.

Click to expand...

You are absolutely right. And she is aware that he could be volatile about all of this, and shes prepared. But I can tell you, she probably would let her own rage fly. We arent taking any chances. When the time comes, not only will my father be present but both brothers will be too. And they have been itching for the chance to whip him. They are hoping that they get it. Personally, I think he hates the world. I think there is some manic/ bi polar issues as well, given the extreme mood swings, or maybe hes just a plain ol' jerk, whatever the case, as I have told her before, dumb is dumb and a pill wont fix it!
Thanks for your advice, you really do know what you are talking about, and I tell her the advice I have gotten from you and others who have posted. Thanks, and I surely will keep ya'll posted!

I think you're right --- guys like that DO hate the world. They just LOVE to be totally absorbed in MISERY. They don't wanna be happy; and they most certainly do not want their WOMAN to be happy!

They might come off at first as being such charming, great guys... but that's the bait-and-hook technique. Get the girl to fall in love with that kind facade they put up, and then let the demons fly.

Anyhoo I'm happy to hear there is not only a father but TWO brothers. Wowwie. I *almost* hope they do get to open a can of whooparse on him. I'm not vengeful or anything, I just like to see abusers get their just desserts.

Oh, and the best thing your sister can do --- AFTER this is all over ? ---- smile, be happy, hold her head up high, and love herself. Intensely. It'll show, and it'll make Dipstick stay away.

Originally Posted by diane8704

Are you sure that you aren't my sister? I truly believe that your story has so many similarities to yours, that it makes me wonder if her boyfriend and your ex are related! Thanks for the input. I am going to make sure she reads this one.

Click to expand...

I read the very first post in this thread and imdeatly i thought this had to be my ex-husband. The sad thing is, is there are so many guys like this out there.
I still have to deal with my Ex because of our son together. Wich he pays very little attion to, my son didn't receive anything from him for his birthday, and only hears his voice over the phone once every few months. He kind of finaly got his life on track by joining the military and is now stationed in Korea. Wich i find as a good punishment, LOL, but he rarely pays childsupport on time if at all and he never sends our son anything.
but when we first seperated i did get a death threat from him over the phone, wich i called the cops. And he did break into my car, but i couldn't prove it was him, even though it was obvious.
But now that he knows there is another man in my life who is much better than him. he has backed off .
i wish your sister luck and i'm sure she will be fine (emotionaly) when she does choose to tell him to leave, and just be sure she has people there for her support and protection.

You are a good sister and are doing what a good sister should. She knows you are there for her. She will come to her senses soon. I detest men that are abusive to women, they are wimps.

Well, she did it. She broke up with him last night. And he guilt tripped her, and he played on her emotions, and he stayed at the house last night, and she was so devestated, and it killed me to see her so upset. But so many things led up to this point. And she knew it was the right thing to do. And it took all I had not to race over there and throw him out myself. He said that he gave up his family for her (not true) and that he was having his heart ripped out by the love of his life, and that he wasnt going to let her go, and that he just needs someone to love him, and she is going to love him. I dont know, I just told her to be strong.
And then she called me at midnight, crying, and it just broke my heart. I told her she couldnt go back now. It was over. And she agreed. But he blames me and my mother. And I am a little concerned because I dont know what he will do. I think he is unpredictable. My husband and my father dont think he would do anything, but they dont know that for sure. So, as of now, they are broken up, he just hasnt left yet. I will keep you posted. Just please keep her in your prayers and the good vibes, they have worked so far!
Thanks guys, for being here. I need to support to keep supporting her.

Originally Posted by ugaimes

Diane,
First of all, congratulations to your sister for having the strength to go through with the breakup! Don't be terribly surprised if she returns to him at least once though....as not good as it is, that is pretty typical when someone leaves an abusive relationship....the power and control that Dipstick had/as over your sister may remain for some time. The typical battered woman leaves their partner 6-7 times before they leave for good. But HOPEFULLY this is the END of that relationship

.
You are very smart to be worried. When one person ends a relationship, that is the time that has the potential for the most violence to occur. If you'd like to PM me with your email address, I could send you a lengthy safety plan that your sister may want to look over just to be extra careful. Also, again, if there is a domestic violence agency in your county (which there probably is) an advocate could help her out greatly. If her boyfriend becomes very threatening (and yes, him saying that he isn't going to let her go is potentially a VERY dangerous threat), she may even want to consider a protective order. Your family may even be able to take out a peace bond (may have a different name where you live) that basically says that he needs to stay away from them and they'll stay away from them.
Whatever you and your sister decide, please keep y'alls safety and mind.
Remember, I'm always here if you ever want to PM me

Click to expand...

Great advice, Amy. I agree, if she can get a restraining order, that would be a great first step. I was alarmed when I heard he kicked in your screen door... Please keep your guard up, and keep us posted on how things are going.

wow!!
do keep us updated!!

Good vibes for your sister..and hopefully she will soon be with knightinshinningarmor.

I don't trust this guy. I would have my father and brothers all over there and kick him to the curb immediately and/or have the police escourt him off the property. Re-key the locks and all of you will need to watch your backs for quite a while. I hope he doesn't find out about knightinshiningarmor. This guy
sounds like a loose cannon. Good luck.

I have been reading and rereading these posts, and there is a lot of great advice and kind words. I wish your sister well, but there is something else she needs to do. She needs to take out a restraining order against this guy.
I was also married to a creep that turned out to be violent. He threatened our daughter, and that was the final straw. I left him for the guy I should have been with all along, my s/o of 20 years, my knightinshiningarmor. Right after I left him, he tried to kill both of us, after permanently scarring my face. I should have taken out a restraining order, and renewed it every time it ran out. It would have put him in jail over and over until he got the message, and had records in place in case he ever preyed on another woman like this. As it stands, he has disappeared, and after 20 years, I stll wonder if he will be around the next corner. Trust me, no one should live like that.

Also please tell your sister to stay busy. Go out and have fun. Spend time with the family & friends she lost contact with whist she was busy Dipsticking.

She might start to reminesce (sp) about the good times, the good things about Dipstick's personality. And as far as my two cents about knightinshiningarmor? Please please PLEASE tell her to NOT get involved so quickly after being with a losery wimpy Dipstick!!! She's EXTREMELY vulnerable right now and even the Devil himself might look inviting and innocent next to what she just left.

She needs to be ALONE. No dating. No running off to another man. She needs time for HERSELF. If she's a social butterfly, she can surround herself with friends... they're only a phone call away. Tell her to DESTROY all the photographs of this guy; destroy all tangible momentos. Destroy everything. No going back. Period!

And, as far as memories, I know you cannot destroy those. They are actually going to come in very handy. She needs to (RIGHT NOW) write down --- black & white --- all the BAD THINGS he did, said, and especially -- - write it down how he MADE HER FEEL. Go back and read it --- re-read it --- til she's got every letter memorized. Only THEN, once she's got it ingrained in her head she's done the right thing (As she may doubt herself for a while, and be tempted to fall back into the old familiar shoes) --- she can PURGE the memories. Get rid of him entirely, even in her head, and more importantly; her heart.

Abuse can break your mind... your heart... but it cannot break your spirit. If anything, after she's gone through all the stages of healing, purging, and gaining her self-esteem back -- she will be much, much stronger. Some day, she might even thank him.

There aren't any "pros" in that relationship, just "cons". The guy is a user and abuser. You all have to make it clear to your sister that he has been emotionally abusing her all along, and it will almost certainly lead to physical abuse, and possibly death. He won't change, and things won't get better. Believe me, I went through this with my younger sister, and I think she's finally accepted, since her ex's second wife has been beat to a pulp and hospitalized nurmerous times, that nothing was "her fault", but his.
I also agree that she shouldn't get involved with somebody else right now, because her self-confidence has been seriously eroded, and she won't regain her ability to stand up for herself by immediately becoming dependent on somebody else. She's 19, and has her whole life ahead of her. Why does she have to have a "partner" right now?
A restraining order might help - she should do that in any case - but it won't be enough. I definitely agree with ckblv on that point.