How can I help him understand?

diane8704 · May 23, 2005

Well, this has been an issue the entire 5 years I have been with my husband, and it had gotten better since right before we got married a year ago, but somehow it still creeps out.

I AM MARRIED TO HELL ON WHEELS!

I cringe everytime I think about this. Heres some background...every Sunday, we go to his parents house for Sunday dinner which is around 3pm. They live about 35 to 40 minutes away, depending on traffic. So, we sleep a little later on Sunday, lounge around the house and then head over. Usually, its just me, my husband and our siberian husky, Bjourne, who goes just about everywhere with us.
Me and my husband have been having issues in our marriage, and I think it just stems from being busy, and not having adequate husband/wife time. So, we are working through that. Well, Saturday night, we had this ridiculously stupid argument, and I managed, as always, to make him angry! He brings out the best in me, but he can bring out the worse in me so quickly. So, he was already mad at me.
Sunday afternoon, me, my husband, my sister, and my husbands best friend, in addition to my "child" Bjourne all get into my husbands car to go to my brother-in-laws birthday party. We get off our dirt lane and head out.
Please understand that we live in a pretty rural area, and the soccer teams play in the elementary school field. There is a little country store across the street that sells gas, horse feed, hay, burgers, country BBQ, things like that. So, when the game breaks, people go over and get things. Here my husband is boogying at about 45, which is the speed limit, and this couple starts to walk acrodd the road. There was no way my husband could stop. Theres no crosswalk, so pedestrians need to be mindful of traffic. My husband proceeds to slam on the brakes, and the couple stops in the middle of the road, and gives us nasty looks. Apparently, the guy flicked my husband off.

So, before I know whats going on, my husband has whipped his car onto the road in front of the school with the purpose of finding this "gentleman" (using that term lightly.) and have a discussion about flipping people off. I am stunned...my 80 pound puppy flew ontop of my 96 pound sister, and Bjourne was getting more agitated by the second, so my sister and our friend was trying to calm him down, and I am trying to get my husband to stop it. So, he calms down, and circles back around (by this point, the offender has hidden) and leaves the school parking lot. I am angry for starters because, 1) he shouldnt have let some jack legged punk get him riled, 2) he scared Bjourne, not to mention almost suffocated my sister, 3) he not only put us in danger but other motorists as well, and last but certainly not least, he did this absolute AWFUL behavior in front of impressionable young children. There are probably 32 more reasons why that was wrong, but I didnt list them to him, and I am certainly not going to list them here. Once we are on our way, I calm down, and I think hes calmed down...key word there THINK...no. All of sudden, he slams the car into second gear, runs that gear out, slams it into third, burns out the clutch, and by the time he ever touched fourth, hes doing 80 in a 45!
Now, I have been in a horrific car accident that left me with 2 fractures in my pelvis and couldnt walk, and to this day, I still have nightmares and pain from it. I dont necessarily relish a second chance at one.
But I cant make him see that what he did just proves that not only is he irresponsible with his life, but also all of his passengers and other motorists. I dont know where this behavior comes from. I abhor it more than anything. He thinks I am still mad about Saturday, but I am over that. One situation has nothing to do with the other. He promised me last night that he would stop, but I know better. He will be a different situation and different behavior, so its not the same. And it doesnt help that my sister goes and narks to my mother, who in turn tells me that I need to refuse to ride with him...and I have tried that, but I cant drive everywhere. I decided that I am going to wait until I am a little less mad about this and approach the subject again. I just dont know how to get through to him....
Thanks, I just needed to vent.

carolcat · May 23, 2005

Good luck, I feel for you. I think he needs to take some counciling on anger management but I am sure he wouldn't be up for that. Alot of men become very agressive while driving, its like they store up everything thats bugging them and then when they get behind the wheel the least little thing, or not so little, sets them off and they become a "car bomb". I don't think he WANTS to listen to what you have to say, I am sure when he isn't mad he realizes his behavior is rediculous and dangerous but he is using it to deal with his anger and he needs counciling IMO. Hugs.

sweets · May 23, 2005

How can you help him understand....you can't.

I"m in a very similar situation only my SO uses his mouth. He will pull up next to the car, roll down his window and proceed to yell at the other driver. Many many times I have told him to pull the car over because I don't want to drive with him. I'm just waiting for the next person to pull a gun out and shoot him while we're doing 75! A lot of this has to do with where he grew up (Brooklyn, NY) and even more has to do with his HUGE *ss car...a Lincoln Towncar...that he can squeeze thru the smallest spaces. Spaces that I wouldn't even try to put my little car thru cause I'd scratch it.

The only thing you can do is sit down when you are both in a calm mood and let him know that his anger and his driving scares you. Remind him of your accident. One suggestion is something my sister did that worked with her husband (bad male drivers seems to be universal) She refused to let him take the kids in the car. So for about 2 months, they took 2 cars. He wasn't allowed in her car till she felt he learned his lesson.

rosehawke · May 23, 2005

You need a hug

Sorry you're having to put up with this. I am going to make a guess here. I'd be willing to bet you and your hubby are in your mid '20s? The only reason I ask is that this sounds somewhat similar to the behavior I had to put up with when MY DH was in his mid '20's. Not quite that extreme, and with him it was always when he was working on the cars. We lost more tools from him throwing them. Fortunately I was pretty laid back, and almost seven years older than him to boot so I was a bit more emotionally mature. I don't think I could have handled it if I had been the same age or younger like most relationships. Sometimes I feel like I had to raise him

.

I usually just avoided him when he was in such a mood, and he eventually grew out of it and got control of his temper. Of course the Buspar and Cymbalta help too

(Him, not me!)

caprice · May 23, 2005

Interesting...for starters, he needs to realize how his anger problems are effecting him and others around him. It brings everyone around him terribly frightened. In a couple of days, softly and gently tell him that he needs to focus on not letting people get him so uptight and angry. He doesn't need to stoop down to the level of others and their childish games, like flipping the bird and name-calling. Let him know that you don't want to see him hurt and you don't want to go through the same thing again, be firm yet gentle. He'll get the point.

diane8704 · May 24, 2005

Good luck, I feel for you. I think he needs to take some counciling on anger management but I am sure he wouldn't be up for that. Alot of men become very agressive while driving, its like they store up everything thats bugging them and then when they get behind the wheel the least little thing, or not so little, sets them off and they become a "car bomb". I don't think he WANTS to listen to what you have to say, I am sure when he isn't mad he realizes his behavior is rediculous and dangerous but he is using it to deal with his anger and he needs counciling IMO. Hugs.

Thanks, I needed the hug. Hes not really an angry person...its just like all of sudden. Hes really easy going and most of the time, he doesnt let things get to him, but Sunday, that was not the case. And you are right about the "car bomb". I keep telling him, dont save it for the car. Its not just you out there. Like I said before, we live in a pretty small town, kids are walking everywhere, and riding bikes, so you never know when one will be walking on the blind turn just up ahead. I think he knows how juvenile his behavior was. I think he needs to find constructive ways to deal with his anger...like cut some of the dead trees down on our property.

How can you help him understand....you can't.

I"m in a very similar situation only my SO uses his mouth. He will pull up next to the car, roll down his window and proceed to yell at the other driver. Many many times I have told him to pull the car over because I don't want to drive with him. I'm just waiting for the next person to pull a gun out and shoot him while we're doing 75! A lot of this has to do with where he grew up (Brooklyn, NY) and even more has to do with his HUGE *ss car...a Lincoln Towncar...that he can squeeze thru the smallest spaces. Spaces that I wouldn't even try to put my little car thru cause I'd scratch it.

The only thing you can do is sit down when you are both in a calm mood and let him know that his anger and his driving scares you. Remind him of your accident. One suggestion is something my sister did that worked with her husband (bad male drivers seems to be universal) She refused to let him take the kids in the car. So for about 2 months, they took 2 cars. He wasn't allowed in her car till she felt he learned his lesson.

I know. He doesnt want to understand. I would die if my husband ever pulled up to a car and yelled at the driver! I would be so mortified...and in this day and age, you never know who has a concealed weapons permit, or who has an oozie under their passenger seat, and is going to kill you. My husband goes through moods where things like Sunday happen. And I keep trying to make realize that it does scare me. I understand that everyone has road rage...some are just more severe than others. I'll be driving along, and someone will do something positively ignorant, and I'll be like "You idiot! You've got your kids in the car!!" And the worse drivers I have ever seen are men in mini-vans. They will put those things in places that would make your head spin. They tailgate, they whip in out of traffic, they yell at people, all the while with their kids in the back of the van singing along to Spongebob Squarepants. You hear "You @#$$%%^!! (spongebob squarepants, spongebob squarepants) GET OUT OF MY WAY!!!!" It kills me. And I dont want my husband to be one of those out of control men that become like Jeckyll behind the wheel of the car. He needs to learn a lesson. And I told him that (the above reference with the kids) and he thought it was funny. So, he is in such a time out.

You need a hug

Sorry you're having to put up with this. I am going to make a guess here. I'd be willing to bet you and your hubby are in your mid '20s? The only reason I ask is that this sounds somewhat similar to the behavior I had to put up with when MY DH was in his mid '20's. Not quite that extreme, and with him it was always when he was working on the cars. We lost more tools from him throwing them. Fortunately I was pretty laid back, and almost seven years older than him to boot so I was a bit more emotionally mature. I don't think I could have handled it if I had been the same age or younger like most relationships. Sometimes I feel like I had to raise him

.

Click to expand...

I usually just avoided him when he was in such a mood, and he eventually grew out of it and got control of his temper. Of course the Buspar and Cymbalta help too

(Him, not me!)

Thanks, I did need a hug! Oh, yes, in our 20's, in our first year of marriage. And are you sure that your DH and my husband arent related?? Hes a mechanic too, and we went through the throwing of tools, the cursing, the kicking trees because he couldnt get the transmission back in...all of that. And we are the same age, but I am more mature than he is, and it shows. Hes gotten better. Hes a lot less likely now to punch something when a car wouldnt cooperate than he used to be. This last Sundays incident was a shock because he actually stays pretty calm on the road. I guess that just rubbed him the wrong way, I dont know. I think all men have to be raised just a little, but I had to learn to lighten up a bit, and not get testy everytime he got snitty over something that had nothing to do with me.

He really is punished. I dont think I am going to let him play Grad Tourismo 4 on the PS2 for a week. Maybe thats where the aggression is coming from!

Interesting...for starters, he needs to realize how his anger problems are effecting him and others around him. It brings everyone around him terribly frightened. In a couple of days, softly and gently tell him that he needs to focus on not letting people get him so uptight and angry. He doesn't need to stoop down to the level of others and their childish games, like flipping the bird and name-calling. Let him know that you don't want to see him hurt and you don't want to go through the same thing again, be firm yet gentle. He'll get the point.

I tried to mak ehim realize that his anger in the car effects everyone, and its not going to be tolerated by me. And youre right, he shouldnt let someone who is obviously immature get him that angry. He could have lost control of that car. I told him I didnt want to go through another car accident. I could have gone my whole life and never experienced the first one, trust me. I could have gone all my life never knowing what fractured pelvic bones feel like rubbing back and forth...it makes my body ache just thinking about it. And think that when I told him the gruesome details...you think when you saw me after that accident I was bad...you should have been present when my car stopped sliding sideways down a busy highway, when my friends blood was all over me, and all over her, and I couldnt move because my seat had wrapped all the way around my body...when I yanked a piece of glass from my thigh, and when I was bleeding from my abdomen...all the bruises...the smell of the airbags...not being able to feel my legs, and smelling gas, and wondering if the car was going to blow up with me in it because I couldnt get out, and my friend wouldnt leave me in the car, even after I shoved her out, I think that thats when I got his attention. Its not neecessarily going to be a fender bender. My car looked like a horseshoe. The frame was hanging on the ground. I will not go through that again, and he knows it. So, hopefully that will be what it took to get through to him.
And thanks for the support ya'll. I really needed it, and you didnt let me down. Thanks!

krazy kat2 · May 24, 2005

I hate that you are going through such frightening times in the car. My s/o used to be the worst driver ever, then he lost his license for 11 years for doing stupid crap on the road. He calmed down when he finally got it back. Maybe it was just being older and wiser, maybe it was appreciating having his license back. He is now one of the best drivers I have ever ridden with, car or Harley. I hope you can get through the 20 something testosterone load and talk to him about this before something more than just scary happens.

ugaimes · May 24, 2005

I'm so sorry that all of you car passengers (including Bjourne) had to experience that road rage!

That is very insensitive of him to act like that, knowing that you'd already been through such a traumatizing car accident.
In all honesty, yeah, anger management would probably be very helpful in at least "softening" his road rage. However, as with any therapy, it won't amount to a hill of beans if he doesn't go into it willingly. If he goes into therapy kicking and screaming, there will be very little (if any)success.

I would suggest talking to him about how his behavior scares you. He should realize that your emotional and physical security is more important than some idiot flicking him off!

coolcat · May 24, 2005

Diane

just only can I share my ears with you...

...

annabelle33 · May 24, 2005

my bf is just as bad or worse. And it's not just during the road rage thing, he's a crazy driver in any case. He doesn't do it around me now because it causes problems but I keep worrying that I'm gonna get the phone call that he's dead from some dumb car accident that should've never happened because he drives like he's invincible. There have been a few times where it was sorta fun, like during a bad snow storm when he was doing donuts on the major highway (no one else would have even thought about coming out), or some of the other goofy but not really dangerous things. But his father's the same way, though toned down a lot over the years, they are the car guys and car guys race and go offroadin and peel wheels even leaving grandma's house, so I guess it's engrained since birth so changing it is probably not possible..

caprice · May 24, 2005

Originally Posted by diane8704

I tried to mak ehim realize that his anger in the car effects everyone, and its not going to be tolerated by me. And youre right, he shouldnt let someone who is obviously immature get him that angry. He could have lost control of that car. I told him I didnt want to go through another car accident. I could have gone my whole life and never experienced the first one, trust me. I could have gone all my life never knowing what fractured pelvic bones feel like rubbing back and forth...it makes my body ache just thinking about it. And think that when I told him the gruesome details...you think when you saw me after that accident I was bad...you should have been present when my car stopped sliding sideways down a busy highway, when my friends blood was all over me, and all over her, and I couldnt move because my seat had wrapped all the way around my body...when I yanked a piece of glass from my thigh, and when I was bleeding from my abdomen...all the bruises...the smell of the airbags...not being able to feel my legs, and smelling gas, and wondering if the car was going to blow up with me in it because I couldnt get out, and my friend wouldnt leave me in the car, even after I shoved her out, I think that thats when I got his attention. Its not neecessarily going to be a fender bender. My car looked like a horseshoe. The frame was hanging on the ground. I will not go through that again, and he knows it. So, hopefully that will be what it took to get through to him.
And thanks for the support ya'll. I really needed it, and you didnt let me down. Thanks!

Hang in there!

Hopefully, that did the trick! Refuse to go anywhere with him if he continues to drive wreaklessly! We don't want to lose you

How can I help him understand?

diane8704

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carolcat

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sweets

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rosehawke

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caprice

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diane8704

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krazy kat2

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ugaimes

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coolcat

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annabelle33

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caprice

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