Pardon me while I bather a bit...could be long

I don't know how much of this is going to make any sense, but I just need to spill a bunch of stuff. I'm not sure where to start, actually.

Well, it's Dad. Some of you will know that he's just had his 93rd birthday, and despite some health challenges is doing amazingly well. He has a full, interesting life in his extended care facility, which is no more than 15 minutes away from here, so it's handy for visiting and for taking him out from time to time.

I visit him three or four times a week -- usually four, but occasionally one of them has to be dropped. Saturday and Tuesday they have "Happy Hours" and guests are included, and he likes me to go with him; Sunday doesn't have a lot of activity in it, so I try to go then; plus one other week night, usually Wednesday, sometimes Thursday. I've set the pattern, as much for him as for me, so that he knows what to expect.

I wasn't able to go on Sunday, and I gave him the heads up on Saturday when I was there, as I usually do in that situation. Monday, I got a very confused phone call from him not long after I got home. The confusion seemed to be around my not having been there on Sunday. I got him calmed down and assured him that everything was OK and I'd be in today (Tuesday). I resisted the temptation to go charging up there on the one night in the week that I have the luxury of coming home and just being home. If there had been an emergency that couldn't be dealt with on the phone, I'd have gone in a heartbeat. But he's not above a little gentle, probably unintentional, manipulation, and I simply wasn't going to get into a pattern of running up there at the drop of a hat.

So today I arrive as planned. There's a notice in the elevator of a memorial service coming up (usual place for such notices). The guy in the next room has died -- he was 94. His daughter is a familiar face around the place, drops in on Dad and others. Bummer. Not feeling happy as I reach Dad's room, and find him already in bed, asleep. It's still reasonably early, so I make my arrival, and then lean over to kiss him awake. Not a big surprise that it doesn't work, because he sleeps VERRRRRRRRY deep. I sit on the edge of the bed for a few minutes and then repeat the kiss. Same (no) response. I repeat the sequence several times over a period of 30 or so minutes, same result. Eventually, I get a rise -- he comes up far enough to respond to "Have you got a hello for me?" "H'llo" "Have you got a kiss for me?" "Mmmmph" followed by kiss (he's a smoochy guy ), but doesn't really recognize me. Then he drops off to sleep again. I stay a few more minutes and then find paper to leave him a note, and take my leave.

I find one of the nurses, and have a conversation with her on the way out. Seems the intestinal bug he's been fighting off and on for a month or 6 weeks, is back. They're having trouble keeping him properly hydrated (diarrhea) and this is the cause of the confusion (evidenced yesterday on the phone and today in the few moments he was awake). Well, tomorrow the doctor will be in, and Dad is on the list to be seen, and I'll get a phone call.

I don't get the impression that there's any great angst. It's a problem that they've been dealing with, with varying degrees of success, for a while, and it's being tended. I'm not really anxious about it, though I'll be glad to have a chat with the doctor to get her take on it.

But, you know, the thing that has me in this damned funk right now is the slippage in communication with him -- the confusion just scares the crap out of me. It feels like the beginning of the slippery slope to the day when it'll be his name on that notice in the elevator.

I came home and indulged in a little culinary therapy. I'd have been happy to serve tonight's dinner to company. And between that and my sweetie, I felt moderately human again for a little while. But it only lasts so long and I'm a mess again. Damn.

I don't know what I expect to accomplish by all this blather, but thanks for listening anyway.

Fran, it is always hard to watch your parents grow old, and know that whatever they are facing, you can do little or nothing about it as everything ages out of sight and leaving marks that are visible. All you can do is be there for him, as you have been and will be. The confusion will show itself again and it is just something that needs to be adjusted to. It isn't easy but it is part of life-

I'm so sorry you're going through this with your Dad, Fran, how painful this much be for you. Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. I certainly hope your Dad is feeling better very soon and quickly overcomes this stomachbug. Please do let us know what the Dr. says when he calls.

Thanks, both.

I know how it is - my Dad is 91 and has been getting steadily more confused for a number of years, though his physical health is perfect. Now, it takes him some time to recognise me when I visit and in January he was constantly asking who all the members of hte family were - his children, grandchildren and partners. He has no short term memory at all. My mom says he can't be left alone now for a moment as he is likely to do something silly, and if she is ill he can't even make tea. It is so hard to see someone you love and respect go through this - he was a senior civil servant and an inspiration to us all in his love of learning and culture. You just have to hang on to those times and thank fate for giving us good parents and allowing them to live so long.

Fran the person in the next room has obviously been on your mind, then this happens with your dad and you start thinking?!.

Don't think about it too much or your mind can start going into overdrive?!. Just hang on until you speak to the doctor, and think of any questions you might want to ask him and write them down.

I hope your dad get's over this tummy bug soon though

Hey i hope i live well into my 90's as well

My father in law was 91 when he passed away about a year and a half ago. Up to that point he had been living on his own. With the confusion you mentioned- how is his blood sugar?? Do you know if he is taking any medications that he is on?? Earl had episodes of confusion too-but mainly due to messing up his meds.
Take care of yourself and be happy the extended care facility is doing all they can for him.

aw susan, how does it feel to have already lived half of yor life?
I feel for living 1/4 of it

Originally Posted by GailC

My father in law was 91 when he passed away about a year and a half ago. Up to that point he had been living on his own. With the confusion you mentioned- how is his blood sugar?? Do you know if he is taking any medications that he is on?? Earl had episodes of confusion too-but mainly due to messing up his meds.
Take care of yourself and be happy the extended care facility is doing all they can for him.

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I think he's probably OK on his meds. When he's not confused, they just deliver them and he takes them like a good boy -- brags about how trustworthy he is And that's just like him, too.

They do do a great job. I've been very happy with that situation. It was getting scary before he got the placement (no thanks to his doctor at the time -- but that's water under the bridge).

Originally Posted by jennyranson

You just have to hang on to those times and thank fate for giving us good parents and allowing them to live so long.

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I hear ya. I'm sorry you're in the same patch with your Dad. Good parents, indeed, and I was mostly spared this phase with my Mum, since they were still living 3,000 miles away. The day-to-day stuff fell to Dad and my brother, but phone calls were poignant.

Sometimes, the hardest thing is deciding whether this (whatever) is call to fire off an email to my brother. Obviously I need to keep him in the loop, but he doesn't need alarm bells for every little bug. I expect I will be emailing him tonight, though, with whatever.

Originally Posted by rosiemac

Fran the person in the next room has obviously been on your mind, then this happens with your dad and you start thinking?!.

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Precisely. That wasn't a good sequence of events.

Thanks, all, for your caring. We'll see what the morning brings.

Frannie, having my father die of lung cancer 2 years ago, I feel what your goign through. It's one of the toughest things children will ever have to face, the aging and deterioration of their parents. Don't give up on him though and try to think good thoughts. Know that no matter what, he will always be with you as so will we! Enjoy him and let him know he's loved.

*hugs* Fran,

I am sorry that you are feeling down about your Dad. It's tough watching them age. I hope you are able to chat with the doctor .

Dear Fran,

For those of us who care for our elderly parents, the one thing that I know beyond all reasonable doubt is that a good, strong support group of friends and others who know what you are going through is imperative. I don't know what I would do without the people in my life who hold me up when I can't find the strength to stand up on my own ... my husband finds his peace in working - whether it is in the garden or some other household project, he just loses himself in whatever he is doing. Needless to say, the year my father passed away, we had an absolutely gorgeous garden and yard. *grin*

My mom is still in her own home, but that is fast becoming a problem and we are looking into alternative living arrangements for her. Yesterday when I went to have dinner with her as I do each and every day, she got mad at me for saying something nice about Nascar driver Jeff Gordan (Mom fashions herself a Dale Jr. fan) and she threw a forkful of spaghetti on me then invited me in not-so-sweet terms to see myself to the door. *sigh* I got in my car and had myself a good, old-fashioned cry all the way back to my house.

It is the most difficult thing I have ever done - caring for my parents. And so with that now being said, please know that we are here for you as your support network - feel free to PM me or email if you like ... it helps to have someone to listen and to be there in the event you need the extra strength.

Yours from the heart,

Gaye

Thank you everyone My God, this place is special!

Cory (the nurse) was concerned last night when she went in to him toward the end of her shift, and he fought her attempts to take his vitals -- not like him -- he's one of the most docile and compliant patients they have. Everybody loves him. So she fired him off to the hospital just to be on the safe side. I talked to them just before midnight. They figured he'd probably be given some antibiotics and shipped home either last night or today, but weren't expressing any other concerns. No news yet on that front. If I haven't heard something by early afternoon, I'll call and see what news there is.

I know I'm not the first, nor will I be the last, to have these experiences, but it's helpful to hear other people's experiences and frustrations. It helps "Daddy's Little Girl" keep things in perspective

The community that TCS is boggles my mind -- you guys are great. Thanks

That's cause we love you Frannie!

Fran that must give you so much peace of mind knowing that they love your dad like that!

Fingers crossed he's out soon then!

The other thing is I am guessing your Mom already passed?
Whenever you lose one person, the thought of losing another brings up all the PREVIOUS stuff, the first funeral I went to after my Mom died I got violently ill. Not that I liked them before but they didn't bring up so much stuff for me. The next close family friend who became seriously ill I had to force myself to visit. So anyways, it's very hard what you are dealing with so be kind to yourself.

Frannie... what can I say you... ...I just can listen to you and share not only this time, ...every times that you need it! God I really could travel throw the time to be next to you to share my hand.. ....
Thanks for share this with us, It make me reflex where we going someday...believe me...

Originally Posted by rapunzel47

Thank you everyone

My God, this place is special!

Cory (the nurse) was concerned last night when she went in to him toward the end of her shift, and he fought her attempts to take his vitals -- not like him -- he's one of the most docile and compliant patients they have. Everybody loves him. So she fired him off to the hospital just to be on the safe side. I talked to them just before midnight. They figured he'd probably be given some antibiotics and shipped home either last night or today, but weren't expressing any other concerns. No news yet on that front. If I haven't heard something by early afternoon, I'll call and see what news there is.

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I like Cory the nurse! I am also a nurse, and although I have been in psych for many years, from your first post it sounds like your Dad could be dehydrated. This can cause confusion. It sounds like he is in a good place, where they know when to refer to the hospital. I would doubt it will be an ongoing problem, I think once his electrolytes are back to normal, he will be himself.
I'm sorry he lost a friend recently. Please keep us posted as your Dad improves. You sound like a very loving daughter to keep his needs at the forefront as you do!

Well, I called between meetings, and learned that he was back home, basically OK, still a bit confused, but not like yesterday. They're still running various tests -- not sure what they're looking for, but maybe if they find it, some questions will get answered. So, I'll see him later on.

You're right, Susan, it is great to know that they love him. They bend over backwards for him -- suits me down to the ground. Whatever else there might be to worry about, the standard of care is not one of those things.

Marge, yes, Mum passed away 17 years ago this month. And you're right, once you've been there, just the suggestion of a threat feels like imminent doom. Perspective is not easily retained. I'm thankful for the reality check and love that I'm feeling here.

Rigel, I feel those hugs. back at ya!

Thanks again, all. I love you.

Originally Posted by Beckiboo

I like Cory the nurse! I am also a nurse, and although I have been in psych for many years, from your first post it sounds like your Dad could be dehydrated. This can cause confusion. It sounds like he is in a good place, where they know when to refer to the hospital. I would doubt it will be an ongoing problem, I think once his electrolytes are back to normal, he will be himself.
I'm sorry he lost a friend recently. Please keep us posted as your Dad improves. You sound like a very loving daughter to keep his needs at the forefront as you do!

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Thanks. Yeah, I like Cory the nurse, too. She's great. They're all great, actually. I suspect you are right. I know Cory was concerned about dehydration. Now, if only they can knock out whatever it is that's giving him the diarrhea.