Jokes

Here are some jokes for laughs. The first one I understand, but the last one I don't. Can you guys figure it out. And for those of you who know good jokes, please submit them. I need a good laugh.


Everything is Big in Texas

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool
by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

Past Due

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.

The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

Ha ha ha ha the first one was funny, but i am as stumped as you on the second one

Sorry i haven`t got any for you though, i am useless at remembering jokes, and I haven`t been sent any good ones lately

Chee & Breeze

It's going to take to long because their not going to pay the first bill. They also called collect which gave the collections manager another bill!

buttercup...thats how I took it too! :laughing2:

Here are some really good jokes!!!! Enjoy!!

Ordering Pizza

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip,
but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his
hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food.
The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just
opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman
the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a
pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the
pizza.

The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing
uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did you
put on this pizza?"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what
you ordered: pepper only."




One Liners

Would you like to hear the pencil joke?
Well, it's pointless


Nurse: How is the girl who swallowed the quarter?
Doctor: No change yet!


Why couldn't the pony talk?
He was a little horse


What happens when a clown has flatulency?
It smells funny.

:laughing: :laughing2

oh Alicia...noooooo! :LOL: :laughing2 :LOL: :laughing2 :LOL:

I got a kick out of this one...

RETIREMENT IN A TRAILER PARK THROUGH THE EYES OF A CHILD:

After a spring break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent
the holidays.

One child wrote the following:
"We always used to spend holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.
They used to live here in a big house, but Grandpa got retarded and
they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a place with lots of other
retarded
people.

They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.

They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they
don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it
fixed, because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises
there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it
with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in
it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out.
Then they go cruising in their golfcarts.

My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot
how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.
And they eat the same thing every night, "Early Birds".

Some of the people can't get past the man in the doll house to go
out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and
call it pot luck.

My Grandma says Grandpa's worked all his life to earn his retardment
and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house.
Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren."




*smiles*
Ken

:laughing: That was a cute one Ken! :laughing:

:laughing2: Good ones! :laughing2: I have some around here somewhere...I'll have to look.

Really good one Cat. I am going to print it and show it to my friends.:tounge2: :tounge2:

A nice young man wanted to purchase a Christmas gift for his new sweetheart. As they had not been dating very long, after some careful consideration, he decided that a pair of elegant winter gloves would strike just the right note - romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to a fine department store and chose a pair of lovely white fur-lined gloves. The sister did her own shopping, buying a pair of panties for herself. While the clerk was wrapping the items, she got the boxes mixed up, and gave the gloves to the sister and gift-wrapped the panties for the young man.

The young man sealed the package without noticing and sent it to his sweetheart, who opened it on Christmas to find his enclosed note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she demonstrated the short ones she wears that are easier to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked very sharp.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love. (P.S... The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing!)

Here are some more jokes I've picked up:

Cards You Will Never See From Hallmark

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I've changed my mind."


"I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed
in Hell till I met you."


"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help
but wonder: What the heck was I thinking?"


"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here
to ruin it for me."


"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."


"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy..."


"Thanks for being a part of my life! I never new what evil was
before this!"

"Money is tight, times are hard, here's your @#$/& Christmas card!!!"


"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you
to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need itagain."


"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."


"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with breasts that are bigger than mine."


"I just want you to know that I'm sorry for what happened, especially
since you survived."


"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!"


"Congratulations on getting married! It's not every day you decide to ruin your life!"


"I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected. While I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly."



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Exercise While Pregnant

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the
Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the
women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how
to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't
hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"



Getting a Good Hand

A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand
were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the
dealer.

The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's
fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously
had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?"

The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?"

"Yes."

"Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you
should tip me."

"Okay, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for. I'll take an
eight."

Coffee From the Heart

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and
brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and he was so
proud. Anxiously, he waited to hear the verdict. The grandmother
in all her life had never had such a bad cup of coffee. As she
forced down the last sip, his grandmother noticed three of those
little green army guys were in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why would three of your little army men be in
the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV. 'The
best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup'."

Cultural Exchange

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an
English university and was living in the hall of residence with
all the other students there. After he had been there a month,
his mother came to visit him.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The
one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't
stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy
English neighbors?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here
quietly, playing my bagpipes."

More jokes. Enjoy!

An Unusual Offer

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor
with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When
you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor
and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,'
I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed
the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have
moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged.
When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the
young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate
yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her
breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally
before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look
at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "I
do."

The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had
a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back,
"She made me a much better offer."

The Big Shot

A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the
hospital.

He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around
just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted
to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She
walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your
temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down,
crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't
use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he
rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her
announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses
under his breath as he hears people walking past his door,
laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the
room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you
ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"

After a pause, the doctor replies, "Yes, but never with a
daffodil!"


Mad Cow Scare

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."

The other cow replies, "Hell, I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."

:laughing2:laughing2:laughing2:laughing2 Those were good Nena! :laughing2