The Feline Diet
Most diets fail because we are still thinking and
eating like people. For those us who have never had
any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle
Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except
for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots
of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or
tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you
achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this
diet for one week and you'll find that you not only
look and feel better, but you will have a whole new
outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!
DAYS ONE & TWO
Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any
flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can -- and
place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look
around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor.
Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into
the other room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw
it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.
Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is
almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.
Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's
or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it
goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of
chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on
the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food
from the can you opened this morning.
DAYS THREE & FOUR
Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from
the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under
the television set. Chew on the corner of the
newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.
Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you
bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday.
Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the
middle of the loaf.
Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it
into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it
is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the
bed.
Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat
food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously.
Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room
rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you
leave. Track footprints across the entire room.
DAYS FIVE & SIX
Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's
or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking.
Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum
appliance you can find.
Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house.
Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make
sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before
you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.
Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream
or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps
and then turn the bowl over on the floor.
FINAL DAY
Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a
collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom
floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of
the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow.
Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's
chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed
in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor
several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.
Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat
food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like
Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy
and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.
` ``` ¸¸
((___<°°>
.[`, __,/
/ ' '\\` ) \\ `°º¤ø
Most diets fail because we are still thinking and
eating like people. For those us who have never had
any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle
Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except
for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots
of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or
tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you
achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this
diet for one week and you'll find that you not only
look and feel better, but you will have a whole new
outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!
DAYS ONE & TWO
Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any
flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can -- and
place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look
around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor.
Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into
the other room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw
it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.
Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is
almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.
Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's
or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it
goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of
chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on
the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food
from the can you opened this morning.
DAYS THREE & FOUR
Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from
the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under
the television set. Chew on the corner of the
newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.
Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you
bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday.
Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the
middle of the loaf.
Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it
into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it
is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the
bed.
Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat
food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously.
Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room
rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you
leave. Track footprints across the entire room.
DAYS FIVE & SIX
Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's
or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking.
Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum
appliance you can find.
Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house.
Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make
sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before
you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.
Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream
or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps
and then turn the bowl over on the floor.
FINAL DAY
Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a
collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom
floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of
the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow.
Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's
chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed
in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor
several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.
Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat
food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like
Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy
and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.
` ``` ¸¸
((___<°°>
.[`, __,/
/ ' '\\` ) \\ `°º¤ø
