if you were me what would you do?

cazx01 · Apr 26, 2005

Originally Posted by rosiemac

Nicky when i say it takes a lot to shock me, i mean a lot!, and porn itself doesn't make me bat an eyelid or drop my jaw in disgust, and a site like that still wouldn't shock me, but makes me try to fathom out why someone would go onto that sort of site?!.

I really do think you need to have a good think about this because to me thats kinky material, do you not think?!

And if he is 16 then tell him to stick with the dirty magazines!.

i agree with susan

ugaimes · Apr 26, 2005

Originally Posted by RicaLynn

GAME OVER Nicky. Cut your losses and get out NOW. I don't care how pissed off he is, NO MAN talks to a woman he loves and respects this way. This is emotional abuse, pure and simple. If you stay it will only get worse.
I know, I was in it for almost eleven years. The man NEVER raised a hand to me, because he knew I was still strong enough to end it if it came to that, but the emotional and verbal abuse took its toll on my self-esteem. I know it will be tough, but you need to get out, and rely on your TRUE friends to help you through this.
And you are right, his behavior says guilty, guilty, guilty. You raised a valid concern about your relationship, and he says it's "your problem." He is lashing out in hopes that your self-esteem is low enough that you'll be brow-beaten into taking him back. Show him you're stronger than that.

Erica, you got it right- it does sound like emotional abuse. And Nicky- the fact that he has lied and even tried to turn the blame around on you for his actions are the hallmarks of a person with an abusive personality.
YOU know you deserve better. That doesn't make your decision any easier, and for that I am sorry for what you are going through

Any guy that subscribes to such a website (it's not like he's just looking at porn, he's actually INTERACTING with other women, a HUGE nono!

) while dating someone else FOR A YEAR AND A HALF is not emotionally mature enough to handle a relationship with a smart, wonderful lady. You'll be much better off without him (though I know how that's always easier said than done). We're with ya chick

valanhb · Apr 26, 2005

Just to clarify, because she's not online at the moment to do it herself, Nicky is 22.

bossinova · Apr 26, 2005

I first would like to say a huge Thank You to Brianlojeck for having the guts to comment on this. I also think it's great for him to try and give us a male perspective on this. Now, I am a little confused about the age thing. If this guy is a teenager, that, to me, explains a lot. Embarrassment would most likely be an issue (although that certainly doesn't excuse him from his verbage in his emails, and by the way I was laughing my tush off when I read the Hooked on Phonics comment) if he is that young. However, if she's 22, then I would be willing to bet that he's not 16 (or at least I hope not!

). There very well may still be an embarrassment factor, but one would hope that he would have dealt with it with a little more grace and maturity.
I think that porn is a touchy subject with most people, primarily women. The majority of us don't dig the idea of our man oggling other women, in person or on the computer. There are a select few who either do the oggling with them or truly and honestly don't get affected by it one way or another. I'm pretty sure my husband still takes a peep here and there, and he's 32. My point with that is that they never really grow out of it. And it truly and honestly doesn't really bother me. He's with me, and I'm secure in his love and passion for me.
I understand that the major issue here isn't necessarily the actual porn, it's the lying. And I agree with Maverick kittens' feelings regarding this. Especially if he has a history of dishonesty. He's had a few chances now to pony up the truth, and he has chosen to try and manipulate her and make her feel bad for his dishonesty. Sorry, I have zero tolerance for manipulation of that sort, especially in a relationship, and I really hope that she does, also. Embarrassment sucks, but you get over it. You recover as time passes. Lying is totally different. And the fact that he continues to lie about it should spell out his fate in their relationship. But that is just my personal opinion. She may decide differently.
Brian, again, I think it's great that you are offering a male perspective on this. I think that women, as a general population (and again, there's some out there who are completely different than the majority of us), have some difficulty sometimes stepping out of our persona and ways of thinking into that of a man. It really is completely different. I learned this with my husband. Totally different ways of thinking and dealing with things. And most of the time, I really don't understand. I just try to put it in perspective, shrug my shoulders, and tell him I love him

What else can you do but try and understand?

maverick_kitten · Apr 26, 2005

Originally Posted by valanhb

Just to clarify, because she's not online at the moment to do it herself, Nicky is 22.

as is my boyfriend.

maverick_kitten · Apr 26, 2005

brianlojeck said:
That just means he liked the porn. (again, most likely, I'm just working from my general knowledge of male-itude).
QUOTE]

errrr i hope not. this month's news letter was just pictures of tubby balding men with their bits out....

which brings me onto another issue....

a big part of that site was men looks for no strings sex with other men...

i didnt check THOSE profiles.

lol- i dont think he's gay though

brianlojeck · Apr 26, 2005

Originally Posted by valanhb

Just to clarify, because she's not online at the moment to do it herself, Nicky is 22.

Wow... for some reason I thought Maverick Kitten was Sam in New Zealand. need... more... coffee...

ignore what I said about being 16. 22 is old enough to spell properly and write a decent apology.

maverick_kitten · Apr 26, 2005

Originally Posted by brianlojeck

Wow... for some reason I thought Maverick Kitten was Sam in New Zealand. need... more... coffee...

ignore what I said about being 16. 22 is old enough to spell properly and write a decent apology.

and old enough not to look at ugly naked people online

shows how high his standards are really! (not sure what that says about me...)

brianlojeck · Apr 26, 2005

Originally Posted by maverick_kitten

a big part of that site was men looks for no strings sex with other men...

i didnt check THOSE profiles.

lol- i dont think he's gay though

I would check. If he's stressed over "living a lie", that might explain the hostility and embarassement as well.

(disclaimer: I'm not saying he's gay, I don't know either of these people IRL.)

brianlojeck · Apr 26, 2005

maverick_kitten said:
and old enough not to look at ugly naked people online

I'm not sure that ever really goes away, to be honest with you.

shows how high his standards are really! (not sure what that says about me...)

Click to expand...

Bill Maher says it rather well: "To women, breasts come in big, small, perky, flat, long, wide, up, down, firm, bouncy. They're always worried about their breasts being "good enough". To men, breasts come in two types. Old, and New."

Not 100% true, but there's a sliver of that in all of us (male and female!) It doesn't say anything about you.

Click to expand...

maverick_kitten · Apr 26, 2005

anything that would have been there he would have taken down by now.

have decided no good would come out of checking anyway- look where its got me so far!

jcat · Apr 26, 2005

I'm sitting here reading this and wondering whether I should comment on the porn dating sites, as a separate issue from lying. I teach people in their late teens and twenties, and often overhear their conversations about their weekends. Many of the women join such sites just for kicks, generally when the "girls" get together and have a few drinks, and create a "persona", and laugh themselves silly about who "bites". I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if some of them visited the sites when they were alone and bored. I don't think they're actively trying to "cheat" on their boyfriends or husbands, but are testing how "aberrant" their fantasies are, and/or trying to prove to the others that they're not easily shocked. Would they lie about their membership if "caught" by their s.o. or parents? You'd better believe it - out of sheer embarrassment.
I definitely can see the point Brian is trying to make. I also wonder if some bored middle-aged people, or even senior citizens, don't do the same, whatever their gender.

5catsandcountin · Apr 26, 2005

"Iâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]m so sick of him lying to me. Heâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s always telling me stupid little lies and Iâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]m really sick of it. We split up a few months ago and he told me heâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]d changed but now I realised that was another lie."

I'm sorry, I would be gone...you have your answer...a healthy relationship is not full of lies...any lies.

brianlojeck · Apr 26, 2005

See! A woman agreed with me, so I must be right. ;-)

Originally Posted by jcat

I'm sitting here reading this and wondering whether I should comment on the porn dating sites, as a separate issue from lying. I teach people in their late teens and twenties, and often overhear their conversations about their weekends. Many of the women join such sites just for kicks, generally when the "girls" get together and have a few drinks, and create a "persona", and laugh themselves silly about who "bites". I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if some of them visited the sites when they were alone and bored. I don't think they're actively trying to "cheat" on their boyfriends or husbands, but are testing how "aberrant" their fantasies are, and/or trying to prove to the others that they're not easily shocked. Would they lie about their membership if "caught" by their s.o. or parents? You'd better believe it - out of sheer embarrassment.
I definitely can see the point Brian is trying to make. I also wonder if some bored middle-aged people, or even senior citizens, don't do the same, whatever their gender.

fwan · Apr 26, 2005

brianlojeck said:
maverick_kitten said:

and old enough not to look at ugly naked people online

I'm not sure that ever really goes away, to be honest with you.

Bill Maher says it rather well: "To women, breasts come in big, small, perky, flat, long, wide, up, down, firm, bouncy. They're always worried about their breasts being "good enough". To men, breasts come in two types. Old, and New."

Not 100% true, but there's a sliver of that in all of us (male and female!) It doesn't say anything about you.

Click to expand...

I dont know why.. but with your sentence of the old and the new... its just like when you look at girls who are going into PUBERTY and the ones who are now out of it and are just starting adulthood...
the younger ones look so fresh and new while the 18,19 year olds look so old...

Click to expand...

brianlojeck · Apr 26, 2005

Originally Posted by fwan

I dont know why.. but with your sentence of the old and the new... its just like when you look at girls who are going into PUBERTY and the ones who are now out of it and are just starting adulthood...
the younger ones look so fresh and new while the 18,19 year olds look so old...

I think he means it more like "ones you've seen before" vs. "ones you haven't seen before", not so much an age-related item.

as for puberty, isn't that like... 12 or 13? That's a little young I think... it's tough to think of a girl that young in that way...

fwan · Apr 26, 2005

i know but im comparing my self to them, because i dont actually realise that i look so old now compared to being 12 13 lol

wellingtoncats · Apr 26, 2005

Originally Posted by brianlojeck

Wow... for some reason I thought Maverick Kitten was Sam in New Zealand. need... more... coffee...

ignore what I said about being 16. 22 is old enough to spell properly and write a decent apology.

Hi Brian.

Nicky, I'm 15 I have no experience with such an issue but I'm always here to offer you lots of love and support. All the best hun.

deb25 · Apr 26, 2005

Originally Posted by brianlojeck

I would buy his ass a copy of Hooked On Phonics though...

That's the funniest thing I've read in awhile!

kellyyfaber · Apr 26, 2005

The only thing I know is "once a liar, always a liar". Trust me, I've been with my share of liars and they never change.

if you were me what would you do?

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