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if you were me what would you do?
- Thread starter maverick_kitten
- Start Date
Hello there again,
Personally, I wouldn't worry too much about the email, he sounds like a typical bloke - looking at that stuff for a laugh !
He probably got annoyed cos he found out you were snooping around in his email account - wouldn't you if it was the other way around ?. How long have you been seeing the guy ? and apart from that are you both getting along ok ?
Al I can say is you need to be more sneaky when you snoop !
Personally, I wouldn't worry too much about the email, he sounds like a typical bloke - looking at that stuff for a laugh !
He probably got annoyed cos he found out you were snooping around in his email account - wouldn't you if it was the other way around ?. How long have you been seeing the guy ? and apart from that are you both getting along ok ?
Al I can say is you need to be more sneaky when you snoop !
- Thread Starter Thread Starter
- #23
yes maybe that was my downfall, i told him i did it. lol
i've caught him out reading my diary, txts, and checking my call list. he knows my email passwords and my user name on this site so he's probably checked both of them out too.
then the one time i do the same i go and tell him! lol.
i dont care that he's looking at the stuff, its funny more than anything. its a lot less worse than some of the stuff i know he looks at in private
its the fact he lies about it that gets me. and the fact that this is a dating site. does that mean if i hadnt have found that email he would have met up with someone or placed and advert?
i've caught him out reading my diary, txts, and checking my call list. he knows my email passwords and my user name on this site so he's probably checked both of them out too.
then the one time i do the same i go and tell him! lol.
i dont care that he's looking at the stuff, its funny more than anything. its a lot less worse than some of the stuff i know he looks at in private
its the fact he lies about it that gets me. and the fact that this is a dating site. does that mean if i hadnt have found that email he would have met up with someone or placed and advert?
Here's my opinion on it and it's a bit .. off.
If you suspect someone of lying to you... EVEN if they are telling the truth, your relationship is doomed, as there is something about the person (or possibly in some cases, the suspicious person) that is causing a rift there.
On the subject of porn, is it a dating site, or a porography site, I'm unclear, If it's porn, have you ever told him you don't like for him to look at pornography.. if so, maybe he thought you'd be offended about it. It's still no reason to lie, but it is perhaps more forgiveable if he just didn't want to confront you about his desire to see something a little more risque (not that I'm trying to imply anything, but sure, every once in a while it can kind of remind of other things to do?
I can't think of a way to say it that's family friendly...) Maybe he wants to learn something to surprise you with?
But seriously.. if you don't trust him, whatever the reason, you're never going to fully be comfortable, or feel a reason to trust him, in the most important of circumstances.
Good luck on this.
If you suspect someone of lying to you... EVEN if they are telling the truth, your relationship is doomed, as there is something about the person (or possibly in some cases, the suspicious person) that is causing a rift there.
On the subject of porn, is it a dating site, or a porography site, I'm unclear, If it's porn, have you ever told him you don't like for him to look at pornography.. if so, maybe he thought you'd be offended about it. It's still no reason to lie, but it is perhaps more forgiveable if he just didn't want to confront you about his desire to see something a little more risque (not that I'm trying to imply anything, but sure, every once in a while it can kind of remind of other things to do?
But seriously.. if you don't trust him, whatever the reason, you're never going to fully be comfortable, or feel a reason to trust him, in the most important of circumstances.
Good luck on this.
It's likely that it's a dating site because he's looking at the wierdo's that actually use the site and laughing at them. That's what I'd do ! just curiosity I guess ! Why dotn' you ask him ?
As for him snooping through your stuff, it's a bit out of order. but at least it shows he cares about what you're up to. If I was you, I'd try not to give him the opportunity to look at your texts etc. saying that, my boyfriend looks through mine, but he does it while I'm there so I'm not bothered
As for him snooping through your stuff, it's a bit out of order. but at least it shows he cares about what you're up to. If I was you, I'd try not to give him the opportunity to look at your texts etc. saying that, my boyfriend looks through mine, but he does it while I'm there so I'm not bothered
Sweetie, he has been lying to you and to cover his guilt he has found a way to make you responsible.
I am almost 60 yrs old with a "bit of experience" and I can only say that this is a situation that WILL NOT GET BETTER.
I told my husband many years ago - I will NOT tolerate someone LYING to me, STEALING from me, or CHEATING on me.
I understand men wanting to look at porn but when they start lying about it and try to blame you - this is a recipe for disaster.
When ANYONE lies to you constantly and tries to make it your fault - run - do not walk - to the nearest EXIT.
I am almost 60 yrs old with a "bit of experience" and I can only say that this is a situation that WILL NOT GET BETTER.
I told my husband many years ago - I will NOT tolerate someone LYING to me, STEALING from me, or CHEATING on me.
I understand men wanting to look at porn but when they start lying about it and try to blame you - this is a recipe for disaster.
When ANYONE lies to you constantly and tries to make it your fault - run - do not walk - to the nearest EXIT.
I also just wanted to say that I had a job where my boss wanted me to check his e-mails and handle the ones I could and let him know which ones he had to handle.
Unfortunately, by doing this I inadvertently opened an e-mail from someone he was having an affair with (he was married and I also worked with his son). Very soon after this incident (I assume when he saw the e-mail he must have known I had also seen it as I opened his e-mails first), I was "let go". Very, very unfair! However, I was not comfortable working for him anymore and he couldn't even look me in the eye.
Unfortunately, by doing this I inadvertently opened an e-mail from someone he was having an affair with (he was married and I also worked with his son). Very soon after this incident (I assume when he saw the e-mail he must have known I had also seen it as I opened his e-mails first), I was "let go". Very, very unfair! However, I was not comfortable working for him anymore and he couldn't even look me in the eye.
Coming from someone who has been there and done that. I'd say get out while you can. Regardless of why he registered for that site (and I bet it is for more than laughs as he is so defensive about it and obviously was hiding it from you), and if I understand correctly it is a DATING site, it is disrepectful to you and your relationship. And quite frankly I'm not sure how old you are but you shouldn't allow anyone you are in a relationship to talk to you the way he did in that e-mail. You deserve better.
I also don't believe for even a second that he registered months ago and the e-mail got lost. That is the biggest pile of malarky I've ever heard. I would believe something getting lost and never showing up but showing up later? I don't think so.
I also don't believe for even a second that he registered months ago and the e-mail got lost. That is the biggest pile of malarky I've ever heard. I would believe something getting lost and never showing up but showing up later? I don't think so.
Well M- I am not one to give relationship advice in any form because mine is so royally tangled right now, but I hope whatever is supposed to happen, happens. I would have supported you staying with him before I read that email he sent you, but I cant bring myself to not be disgusted at the ways he talks to you. Whatever you do, GOOD LUCK!!!
Would you believe nearly this same thing happened to a good friend of mine just a year ago? She had been dating a guy for a little over a year, they shared a computer, and one day she took a glance at his emails (whether that's wrong or not isn't really relevant) and found one from an internet adult(ahem)-dating site! He had created an account for himself and had been browsing around! This boyfriend too tried to act as though it was nothing, but once someone goes onto a DATING site (regardless of their so-called intentions) they've shown you that they have no respect for your relationship! Fine, if he wants to look at porn...whatever, but to sign up on a dating service (an "adult" one no less) just screams out "I don't care about us!"
I think, like most everyone else, you'd be better off without him. It's obvious from his behavior and that email he sent you that there are MUCH better people out there!!!
Good luck to you!!
I think, like most everyone else, you'd be better off without him. It's obvious from his behavior and that email he sent you that there are MUCH better people out there!!!
Good luck to you!!
Hopefully what I say here won't make anyone too mad here, but I have to say.... Some of the things in this thread are a load of malarky! I agree that in a PROFESSIONAL relationship it isn't a good idea to "snoop" in others' emails, but in a personal relationship when given permission to do it and particularly in a relationship that has had issues in the past...You Betcha it's going to happen! And if you say you wouldn't you've either never been in a situation like that, or you want to bury your head in the sand. My husband has access to my computer all day long, and I wouldn't care if he read every one of my emails because I have nothing to hide (he'd be bored to tears after about 3, though
). He's going away for the weekend, and while he'll turn off his computer I will still have access to it, and all the passwords are in there. I could check it if I wanted to, and he couldn't say boo about it.
Also, joining a sexually explicit dating site is not just being a typical guy. I could buy that if it was just an explicit site, but not a dating site. Even if he wasn't interested in having a face-to-face relationship with someone else, the fact is that these sites promote interaction with another real life person for sexual gratification - whether that be in chat, via email, or in person. That is the reason for joining. Is having cyber-sex any less cheating emotionally than meeting in a seedy motel? If he was joining for any other reason, he (a) would have told you, and/or (b) would have had a viable explanation when you found it instead of blaming YOU for doing what he said you could!
Nicky, I have to agree with the others. Run, don't walk, away from this relationship! If he had shown ANY remorse, perhaps it would be different, but the fact that he's blaming you, and trying to make you feel guilty speaks novels about his intentions...
Also, joining a sexually explicit dating site is not just being a typical guy. I could buy that if it was just an explicit site, but not a dating site. Even if he wasn't interested in having a face-to-face relationship with someone else, the fact is that these sites promote interaction with another real life person for sexual gratification - whether that be in chat, via email, or in person. That is the reason for joining. Is having cyber-sex any less cheating emotionally than meeting in a seedy motel? If he was joining for any other reason, he (a) would have told you, and/or (b) would have had a viable explanation when you found it instead of blaming YOU for doing what he said you could!
Nicky, I have to agree with the others. Run, don't walk, away from this relationship! If he had shown ANY remorse, perhaps it would be different, but the fact that he's blaming you, and trying to make you feel guilty speaks novels about his intentions...
Originally Posted by valanhb
Hopefully what I say here won't make anyone too mad here, but I have to say.... Some of the things in this thread are a load of malarky! I agree that in a PROFESSIONAL relationship it isn't a good idea to "snoop" in others' emails, but in a personal relationship when given permission to do it and particularly in a relationship that has had issues in the past...You Betcha it's going to happen! And if you say you wouldn't you've either never been in a situation like that, or you want to bury your head in the sand. My husband has access to my computer all day long, and I wouldn't care if he read every one of my emails because I have nothing to hide (he'd be bored to tears after about 3, though). He's going away for the weekend, and while he'll turn off his computer I will still have access to it, and all the passwords are in there. I could check it if I wanted to, and he couldn't say boo about it.
Also, joining a sexually explicit dating site is not just being a typical guy. I could buy that if it was just an explicit site, but not a dating site. Even if he wasn't interested in having a face-to-face relationship with someone else, the fact is that these sites promote interaction with another real life person for sexual gratification - whether that be in chat, via email, or in person. That is the reason for joining. Is having cyber-sex any less cheating emotionally than meeting in a seedy motel? If he was joining for any other reason, he (a) would have told you, and/or (b) would have had a viable explanation when you found it instead of blaming YOU for doing what he said you could!
Nicky, I have to agree with the others. Run, don't walk, away from this relationship! If he had shown ANY remorse, perhaps it would be different, but the fact that he's blaming you, and trying to make you feel guilty speaks novels about his intentions...
That was very well said, Heidi. I agree 100% with this. What needs to be kept in mind here is that he KNEW she was going into his email to download some stuff. It's not like she randomly decided that the day before yesterday would be an excellent day to snoop! I can say in all honesty that I probably would have opened it, too. How could you not?!
His guilt and bad attitude towards you shows clear as day in his poorly written email. I'm sorry that this happened. I know you are probably hurting inside pretty badly by now. It's one thing to know in the back of your mind that something isn't right, but to have to admit it out loud and elicit change because of it is a whole new can of worms. I agree that you'd be better without him. He won't change, honey, and it will get worse over time. Right now he's lying about internet porn dating sites...what will it be next time? And that's the part that I really agree with Heidi on...It would be a different story if this was just a porn site, but it's not. It's a dating site with one thing in focus.
Find the strength within yourself, grab ahold of it, and don't let go! Leave this man and don't look back! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Take this for what it's worth. I'm a dude, so I think I speak from some experience.
Nearly ALL GUYS at some point in their lives, sign up for a sex dating website. Ever poke your head into an expensive shoe store, even though you know you can't buy anything? That's about the same mental state. Most guys sign up, run a search or two, say "boy, that's a nice pair of shoes, but I can't buy them right now", and go on with their lives.
As a network admin I have worked on computers belonging to almost every imaginable race, creed, income, social rank, and sexual preference of guy out there, and THERE IS ALWAYS PORN ON A GUY'S COMPUTER. Maybe a little, maybe a lot. That in itself does not mean much towards his loyalty or honesty.
I'm not saying you shouldn't dump him, I'm just saying you shouldn't dump him because of that email you found.
I would buy his ass a copy of Hooked On Phonics though...
Nearly ALL GUYS at some point in their lives, sign up for a sex dating website. Ever poke your head into an expensive shoe store, even though you know you can't buy anything? That's about the same mental state. Most guys sign up, run a search or two, say "boy, that's a nice pair of shoes, but I can't buy them right now", and go on with their lives.
As a network admin I have worked on computers belonging to almost every imaginable race, creed, income, social rank, and sexual preference of guy out there, and THERE IS ALWAYS PORN ON A GUY'S COMPUTER. Maybe a little, maybe a lot. That in itself does not mean much towards his loyalty or honesty.
I'm not saying you shouldn't dump him, I'm just saying you shouldn't dump him because of that email you found.
I would buy his ass a copy of Hooked On Phonics though...
well my bf has alot of porn on his computer. Infact he even downloaded a girl who has the same figure as me and hair style on his phone.
There was this girl who was trying to break us up and she saw the pic and she was mortified since then on she hasnt tried to and i think has gotten over him. Because she thought it was me
I am okay with bf looking at porn, but meeting a girl for it? no way
There was this girl who was trying to break us up and she saw the pic and she was mortified since then on she hasnt tried to and i think has gotten over him. Because she thought it was me
I am okay with bf looking at porn, but meeting a girl for it? no way
I think the point is that it's a site designed to meet people, not just a site to look at porn. If it were just porn it would be a different story, but signing up for a dating site while you've been in a 1 1/2 year long relationship is just crossing the line.
I DEFINITELY agree about the Hooked on Phonics though!!
I don't think the biggest problem here is the porn, not that it's not a problem in some cases. It's the lies and the fact that this isn't just a porn site but a dating site and how nasty he was in that e-mai. There are plenty of sites that you can sign up to watch porn without it being a dating site and he chose to sign up for one that offers dating? Don't you think that is disrespectful to their relationship?
Also I don't doubt that all guys sign up for sexual dating sites at one time or another in their lives, I have entirely too many male friends to doubt that but they have to be stupid to do it during a relationship. News flash boys, that is cheating period. You are looking to hook up with someone else. Or at the very least putting yourself in the situtation where it could happen. And yes I would "lauch" if I found out a man I was seeing signed up for one of those sites during our relationship regardless of why. Especially if he got defensive when I confronted him about it.
Sorry I just don't buy that whole boys will be boys mentality. If boys will be boys, then women have every right to be women and dump them for being disrespectful.
- Thread Starter Thread Starter
- #37
just to make this clear it was an explicit dating site- you post naked photos of yourself and tell everyone your sexual preferences, email address and sometimes a home phone number. but to his credit i didnt find a profile for him.
porn i have no problem with. everyone does it, even my mother has admitted she saw a porno in college- lol.
also the thing that got me was he'd read the email but hadnt deleted it. that to me showed so sort of intent as there was no other junk email in his inbox (that i noticed).
we've both been sending each other some spiteful emails. immature but makes me feel better.
i dont think it was a case of he was planning to do anything but he wanted to know he had the option if he wanted to (does that make sense?). the thing is if he had just admitted to joining the dam thing and said why he did it i probably wouldnt mind so much. the women on that site were no threat to me (and thats saying something as i'm no oil painting) and if he had been intending to hook up with them more fool him.
its because he lies so much that this has got me so bad. i have proof he joined the site but he's denying it more or less! whether he joined it two years ago or now he's still a member.
i'm just going to try to maintain some dignity and ignore him. i'm not going to reply to any more of the emails or contact him.
porn i have no problem with. everyone does it, even my mother has admitted she saw a porno in college- lol.
also the thing that got me was he'd read the email but hadnt deleted it. that to me showed so sort of intent as there was no other junk email in his inbox (that i noticed).
we've both been sending each other some spiteful emails. immature but makes me feel better.
i dont think it was a case of he was planning to do anything but he wanted to know he had the option if he wanted to (does that make sense?). the thing is if he had just admitted to joining the dam thing and said why he did it i probably wouldnt mind so much. the women on that site were no threat to me (and thats saying something as i'm no oil painting) and if he had been intending to hook up with them more fool him.
its because he lies so much that this has got me so bad. i have proof he joined the site but he's denying it more or less! whether he joined it two years ago or now he's still a member.
i'm just going to try to maintain some dignity and ignore him. i'm not going to reply to any more of the emails or contact him.
Uhh. Something semi similar happened to me in the past and it was that he was sneaking around that really got to me.
My current bf, we have looked at porn together and if I don't want to see it for whatever reason he's free to do what he wants. In past relationships I have went to dating/personals sites just to look out of curiousity not out of wanting to be with someone else. I don't do that now, probably because I'm no longer curious because I looked before. But at the time I did hide it because it does sound really bad. Just awful. But it wasn't like I was talking to or meeting guys. I even put up an ad once just to see. I never contacted the responses but it was interesting to say the least.
I don't know what I'm trying to say but that would probably mess up any relationship I had, regardless of what his intentions were.
My current bf, we have looked at porn together and if I don't want to see it for whatever reason he's free to do what he wants. In past relationships I have went to dating/personals sites just to look out of curiousity not out of wanting to be with someone else. I don't do that now, probably because I'm no longer curious because I looked before. But at the time I did hide it because it does sound really bad. Just awful. But it wasn't like I was talking to or meeting guys. I even put up an ad once just to see. I never contacted the responses but it was interesting to say the least.
I don't know what I'm trying to say but that would probably mess up any relationship I had, regardless of what his intentions were.
gotten a bunch of questions, so I'll just do 'em all in one. This may be a bit honest for those of you with Southern Baptist sensibilities.
I'm not saying don't dump him, I'm just trying to give you an insight into what he's thinking. Remember, ladies, he is a kid (16?). To expect a teen (of either sex) to act truly "adult" is like waiting for your cat to bring you a beer when you get home from work.
if you found he'd been contacting these women, I'd say you had a real problem, but if he's the typical male 16 year old kid (I think I remember you're 16, yes?) he's just looking to see some t*tties...
Then rest easy in the knowledge that he (most likely)was just looking at porn.
That just means he liked the porn. (again, most likely, I'm just working from my general knowledge of male-itude).
it makes sense, but it's a very femine way of thinking. All men know they have "an option". We don't generally plan and test to see if we do.
He was embarassed. He's not used to dealing with girls any more then you are dealing with boys, he got scared, and he circled the wagons. He may be an ass, and you may be looking to dump him (I don't know either of you well enough to say), but this website in itself isn't that big of a deal.
if he met any of these women I'll bring the rope to his hanging, but the chances are he was just looking around.
Just because the site offers dating doesn't mean he was looking for dating. There are a lot of sites with porn on them, but... how can I put this... maybe he was looking for a different "flavor" of porn. (the spackle-makeup-cgi-perfection of a Playboy shot vs. Lawanna in the trailer park with her cellphone camera).
I'm not saying don't dump him, I'm just trying to give you an insight into what he's thinking. Remember, ladies, he is a kid (16?). To expect a teen (of either sex) to act truly "adult" is like waiting for your cat to bring you a beer when you get home from work.
Nicky when i say it takes a lot to shock me, i mean a lot!, and porn itself doesn't make me bat an eyelid or drop my jaw in disgust, and a site like that still wouldn't shock me, but makes me try to fathom out why someone would go onto that sort of site?!.
I really do think you need to have a good think about this because to me thats kinky material, do you not think?!
And if he is 16 then tell him to stick with the dirty magazines!.
