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if you were me what would you do?

post #1 of 132
Thread Starter 
I understand if you guys have no sympathy for me because I only have myself to blame.

Last week my boyfriend gave me his email password so I could download some files I sent him onto my laptop. So on the pretence of getting more files I went back into his account yesterday, mainly to see if he’d changed his password and have a snoop.

When I went to his inbox I found an introductory letter to an explicit sex-dating website.

I rang my friend and we went on the website to see if he’d made a profile but found nothing (but I did get bored/creeped out at looking at all the weirdos on the site and stopped looking quite quickly).

She said I should register a fake profile and check and see if he responded which I did. But I was so mad that I txt him to tell him what I’d found.

His reasoning is that my looking at his emails is just as bad as him reading my diary (something he did once which I havent really forgiven him for) and going on that site is no worse than me looking at porn! – by this he means the ancient video one of my friends has that we watched one time at a party. TWO YEARS AGO – before we were going out.

Then he tried to tell me he subscribed to the site years ago and he must still be on the mailing list. My argument is if you subscribed years ago why would they be sending you an email now thanking you for registering? Plus as we’ve been together a year and a half now isnt that ample time to de-register from a hard core dating site?

The thing is the site was really funny and a bit pathetic. If this was someone else I’d really laugh. I’m more annoyed that he keeps lying to me than the actual site. I don’t think he had any intention of meeting up with anyone, it was just an ego boost or a ‘what if ‘ thing.

I shouldn’t have read his email, I guess now I know what they mean when they say ignorance is bliss.

I’m so sick of him lying to me. He’s always telling me stupid little lies and I’m really sick of it. We split up a few months ago and he told me he’d changed but now I realised that was another lie.

If you were me what would you think? What would you do?
post #2 of 132
you know what i said from last night, but if he is constantly lying i think its better to have it over.
post #3 of 132
Thread Starter 
i'm starting to think that too.
post #4 of 132
Regardless of how this came to light, you really can't have any sort of relationship if you're never able to trust him because you're constantly suspecting him of lying.
post #5 of 132
I agree . If you are looking for a long term relationship. and this guy lies to you m(even about little things), move on. Relationships need to be based on trust (I know you've heard it a million times)
post #6 of 132
I agree!. When the seed of suspicion has been planted especially with lying, it's there for life as far as i'm concerned!.

For me it doesn't matter how small the lie is it's still a lie and thats when i couldn't trust anyone
post #7 of 132
All of the above.
post #8 of 132
Thread Starter 
so what are the chances he's telling the truth and his introductory email got lost in the post?

i'm not speaking to him right now as theres only so much you can say when you know someones lying and they arent big enough to admit the truth.

thanks for all your advice guys, i guess i know what i have to do now.
post #9 of 132
I think this is where you have to reflect on things thats happend in the past Nicky.

In the time you've both been seeing each other, how many times has he lied to you and said it won't happen again?.

At the end of the day this is the man you live so you know him better than any of us.
post #10 of 132
If he is lying all the time, then you can't trust him - doesn't matter if it's big or small.

I don't think you should have gone in and snooped, but that is mainly because you nearly always find out something that hurts you if you do. And it hurts even MORE because you know you would probably have not found out otherwise.

I discovered my husband's affair via an email. I wasn't even snooping - I got home from work early one day cos I'd hurt my back, and I went onto the computer to pay some bills and stuff, and it was sitting right there on the screen. Couldn't have missed it if my eyes were glued shut. But it was SOOOOO horrible and a lot of things clicked into place after I read it.

I left him and never went back - I actually haven't seen him since, and it's been over a year.

I think you should do what feels right in your heart, if you can't trust him, then you don't have the most solid and important thing a relationship needs. Look after yourself - there are plenty of guys out there who would treat you like a princess and that is what you deserve!!

You go girl!!
post #11 of 132
I agree with Susan there!

Just a thought though, could the email have been a joke from his mates? We used to do this in high school a lot, just for giggles! (not that I am trying to endorse this behaviour, but it could have been) Alternatively, he could have done it to see if you were going to look through his emails again!

Have you asked him why he won't tell you the truth about it - face to face? You may be able to gage his body language, if nothing else! Only you know the whole situation.

I hope you will be able to resolve this soon!
post #12 of 132
Clearly you can't trust him and he can't trust you. Both snooping and lying will undermine a relationship. You are both better out of it. I also hope you both display better sense in any future relationships.
post #13 of 132
Thread Starter 
no it wasnt a joke email. he admitted as much.

i still had to go onto his account to get some files so whilst i was snooping that time i would have found it sooner or later.

he's acting very defensive and i'm pretty sure he's lying, i can normally tell. if he wasnt guilty i think he would have actually tried to defend himself too (i know i would). he just emailed me to say:

u read my
e-mails and have the nerv to b pissed off, what a
surprise. i really dont care if u believe me or not
cos u never trused me whatever.

u callin me a liar. when ahve u ever told me the
truth?? stop balmin the world and me for ur problems!!
...well done nicky u just
****ed-up again!
post #14 of 132
Well the thing is if he hadn't lied to you in the first place you wouldn't be so suspicious of him?!
post #15 of 132
Originally Posted by maverick_kitten
u read my
e-mails and have the nerv to b pissed off, what a
surprise. i really dont care if u believe me or not
cos u never trused me whatever.

u callin me a liar. when ahve u ever told me the
truth?? stop balmin the world and me for ur problems!!
...well done nicky u just
****ed-up again!
Oh God he sounds just like my ex-husband GET OUT OF THERE NOW!!! I am not joking - he obviously doesn't respect you or care for your feelings. He can't even take the time to write you an email with proper spelling and words in it (which, to me, smacks of juvenility and disrespect). He is trying to blame you for his guilt - sure, you shouldn't have snooped, but what's done is done, and he needs to give you some answers. I notice that he says `Stop blaming the world and me for your problems' but that is actually exactly what he is doing - he did something wrong, and is blaming you for it.
post #16 of 132
Thread Starter 
i challenge anyone if some one says heres my email password, you can check it if you like (he told me that!) not to do it atleast once.

if the title of the email wasnt so explicit i wouldnt have read it. there was four pages of emails at least i didnt even look at.

at the end of the day whenever he joined the dam thing he was registered on a sexually explicit dating site whilst he was meant to be with me. i'm not too sure whats worse whether he registered recently or a year and a half ago. the point is he joined this website and didnt de-register.
post #17 of 132
M_K. I work as a system's administrator. i have hundreds of passwords at my disposal. I have never looked at some-one else's e-mail unless they asked me to, usually to fix a problem. It is unprofessional and rude.
post #18 of 132
Originally Posted by gopher
M_K. I work as a system's administrator. i have hundreds of passwords at my disposal. I have never looked at some-one else's e-mail unless they asked me to, usually to fix a problem. It is unprofessional and rude.
I wouldn't either BUT!, when you've been lied to i the past, no matter how small the lie is, trust me it makes you very cautious!.
post #19 of 132
Originally Posted by maverick_kitten
stop balmin the world and me for ur problems!!
...well done nicky u just
****ed-up again!
GAME OVER Nicky. Cut your losses and get out NOW. I don't care how pissed off he is, NO MAN talks to a woman he loves and respects this way. This is emotional abuse, pure and simple. If you stay it will only get worse.
I know, I was in it for almost eleven years. The man NEVER raised a hand to me, because he knew I was still strong enough to end it if it came to that, but the emotional and verbal abuse took its toll on my self-esteem. I know it will be tough, but you need to get out, and rely on your TRUE friends to help you through this.

And you are right, his behavior says guilty, guilty, guilty. You raised a valid concern about your relationship, and he says it's "your problem." He is lashing out in hopes that your self-esteem is low enough that you'll be brow-beaten into taking him back. Show him you're stronger than that.
post #20 of 132
Ah, he sounds like he's being a fool! I think you would be better off without him! If he is lying to you and blaming you, then he's not worth it!

His email was horrible too! He really does sound like he's trying to beat you down.

I hope you can sort things and everything improves after!
post #21 of 132
tut tut... nicky, can you please refresh my mind when i saw a pic of you and your bf? what did i say to you?
post #22 of 132
Hello there again,

Personally, I wouldn't worry too much about the email, he sounds like a typical bloke - looking at that stuff for a laugh !

He probably got annoyed cos he found out you were snooping around in his email account - wouldn't you if it was the other way around ?. How long have you been seeing the guy ? and apart from that are you both getting along ok ?

Al I can say is you need to be more sneaky when you snoop !
post #23 of 132
Thread Starter 
yes maybe that was my downfall, i told him i did it. lol

i've caught him out reading my diary, txts, and checking my call list. he knows my email passwords and my user name on this site so he's probably checked both of them out too.

then the one time i do the same i go and tell him! lol.

i dont care that he's looking at the stuff, its funny more than anything. its a lot less worse than some of the stuff i know he looks at in private

its the fact he lies about it that gets me. and the fact that this is a dating site. does that mean if i hadnt have found that email he would have met up with someone or placed and advert?
post #24 of 132
Here's my opinion on it and it's a bit .. off.

If you suspect someone of lying to you... EVEN if they are telling the truth, your relationship is doomed, as there is something about the person (or possibly in some cases, the suspicious person) that is causing a rift there.

On the subject of porn, is it a dating site, or a porography site, I'm unclear, If it's porn, have you ever told him you don't like for him to look at pornography.. if so, maybe he thought you'd be offended about it. It's still no reason to lie, but it is perhaps more forgiveable if he just didn't want to confront you about his desire to see something a little more risque (not that I'm trying to imply anything, but sure, every once in a while it can kind of remind of other things to do? I can't think of a way to say it that's family friendly...) Maybe he wants to learn something to surprise you with?

But seriously.. if you don't trust him, whatever the reason, you're never going to fully be comfortable, or feel a reason to trust him, in the most important of circumstances.

Good luck on this.
post #25 of 132
It's likely that it's a dating site because he's looking at the wierdo's that actually use the site and laughing at them. That's what I'd do ! just curiosity I guess ! Why dotn' you ask him ?

As for him snooping through your stuff, it's a bit out of order. but at least it shows he cares about what you're up to. If I was you, I'd try not to give him the opportunity to look at your texts etc. saying that, my boyfriend looks through mine, but he does it while I'm there so I'm not bothered
post #26 of 132
Sweetie, he has been lying to you and to cover his guilt he has found a way to make you responsible.

I am almost 60 yrs old with a "bit of experience" and I can only say that this is a situation that WILL NOT GET BETTER.

I told my husband many years ago - I will NOT tolerate someone LYING to me, STEALING from me, or CHEATING on me.

I understand men wanting to look at porn but when they start lying about it and try to blame you - this is a recipe for disaster.

When ANYONE lies to you constantly and tries to make it your fault - run - do not walk - to the nearest EXIT.
post #27 of 132
I also just wanted to say that I had a job where my boss wanted me to check his e-mails and handle the ones I could and let him know which ones he had to handle.

Unfortunately, by doing this I inadvertently opened an e-mail from someone he was having an affair with (he was married and I also worked with his son). Very soon after this incident (I assume when he saw the e-mail he must have known I had also seen it as I opened his e-mails first), I was "let go". Very, very unfair! However, I was not comfortable working for him anymore and he couldn't even look me in the eye.
post #28 of 132
Coming from someone who has been there and done that. I'd say get out while you can. Regardless of why he registered for that site (and I bet it is for more than laughs as he is so defensive about it and obviously was hiding it from you), and if I understand correctly it is a DATING site, it is disrepectful to you and your relationship. And quite frankly I'm not sure how old you are but you shouldn't allow anyone you are in a relationship to talk to you the way he did in that e-mail. You deserve better.

I also don't believe for even a second that he registered months ago and the e-mail got lost. That is the biggest pile of malarky I've ever heard. I would believe something getting lost and never showing up but showing up later? I don't think so.
post #29 of 132
Well M- I am not one to give relationship advice in any form because mine is so royally tangled right now, but I hope whatever is supposed to happen, happens. I would have supported you staying with him before I read that email he sent you, but I cant bring myself to not be disgusted at the ways he talks to you. Whatever you do, GOOD LUCK!!!
post #30 of 132
Would you believe nearly this same thing happened to a good friend of mine just a year ago? She had been dating a guy for a little over a year, they shared a computer, and one day she took a glance at his emails (whether that's wrong or not isn't really relevant) and found one from an internet adult(ahem)-dating site! He had created an account for himself and had been browsing around! This boyfriend too tried to act as though it was nothing, but once someone goes onto a DATING site (regardless of their so-called intentions) they've shown you that they have no respect for your relationship! Fine, if he wants to look at porn...whatever, but to sign up on a dating service (an "adult" one no less) just screams out "I don't care about us!"

I think, like most everyone else, you'd be better off without him. It's obvious from his behavior and that email he sent you that there are MUCH better people out there!!!

Good luck to you!!
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