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texas chilli contest (this is hilarious)

post #1 of 5
Thread Starter 
A Texas Chili Contest - If you can read this whole story without laughing
then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.
>>This is a scream!
>>Note: Please take time to read this slowly.

> If you pay attention to The first two judges, the reaction of the
> third judge is even better..
>>For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City park.
>> > >
>>The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Chili
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the
Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they
told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
>>Here are the scorecards from the advent:

> (Frank is Judge #3)
>>Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili....
>>Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>>Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy smoke, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that's the worst one.
> These Texans are crazy.
>>Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
>>Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>>Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
>>Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
to taste beside s pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me
the Heimlich
> maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
>> > >
>>Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
>>Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
>>Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
>>Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.Get me
more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest.
I'm getting
wasted from all of the beer...
>>Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
>>Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>>judge# 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods,
not much of a chili.
>>Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to
look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>> > >
>>Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
>>Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick.
Very impressive.
>>Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.Must admit
the cayenne peppers
make a strong statement.
>>Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks.
>>Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
>>Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
>>Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
>>Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I messed on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore.
I need to wipe my
butt with a snow cone.
>>Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
>>Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>>Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
>>Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing.
I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing
water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.
My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy,
they'll know what killed me.I've decided to stop breathing it's too
painful.Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll
just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>>Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
>>Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough
to declare its existence.
>>Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed,
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
> Not sure if he's going to make it.

Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
post #2 of 5

That's funny!
post #3 of 5
post #4 of 5
Very funny! LOL!
post #5 of 5
That is so Funny!
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