The view

kev · Apr 20, 2005

Most days when I am on my own and not seeing my wife or son, I tend to spend the time sat in a quiet church yard praying things were different as to what they are for me. I pray Carol and I would sort things out and we would all be reunited as a familly (I pray very hard believe me - leaves me in tears most times). Anyway, its a very quiet personal place thats incredibly beautiful and therefore,some place I would like to share with you all. Please find enclosed a link to a photo of the church.

http://www.genuki.org.uk/big/eng/YKS...nStMary_2.html

I get a tremendous amount of something there, I dont know if anyone listens at all, but sat in the quiet of the yard yesterday was very moving. The blossom off the cherry trees was falling on me and it was like Carol and my wedding day all those years ago with the confetti. How I wish it would be for us again.

So, heres to more trips there - I do go most days off, some evenings, looking for the answers. The right things to say. I am trying to become a new person, someone who Carol will see on a weekly basis and start seeing what shes missing. I pray so much for us all as a familly to be together it hurts.
Any advice on becoming a new person / man and how to do it would be great.
In the meantime, say one for Carol and our son to come back to me and enjoy the photo.
I will be there on saturday again.
Yesterday, I met the vicar- really lovely man, told me to be patient.
Kev

jennyr · Apr 20, 2005

Oh Kevin, I kow what you mean - it helps so much when you feel low to be in a lovely quiet place that reminds you of good times. It is a kind of meditation, and that is always healing. I can only hope that things improve for you. And I think the story for your son is a lovely idea.

diane8704 · Apr 20, 2005

Originally Posted by kev

Most days when I am on my own and not seeing my wife or son, I tend to spend the time sat in a quiet church yard praying things were different as to what they are for me. I pray Carol and I would sort things out and we would all be reunited as a familly (I pray very hard believe me - leaves me in tears most times). Anyway, its a very quiet personal place thats incredibly beautiful and therefore,some place I would like to share with you all. Please find enclosed a link to a photo of the church.

http://www.genuki.org.uk/big/eng/YKS...nStMary_2.html

I get a tremendous amount of something there, I dont know if anyone listens at all, but sat in the quiet of the yard yesterday was very moving. The blossom off the cherry trees was falling on me and it was like Carol and my wedding day all those years ago with the confetti. How I wish it would be for us again.

So, heres to more trips there - I do go most days off, some evenings, looking for the answers. The right things to say. I am trying to become a new person, someone who Carol will see on a weekly basis and start seeing what shes missing. I pray so much for us all as a familly to be together it hurts.
Any advice on becoming a new person / man and how to do it would be great.
In the meantime, say one for Carol and our son to come back to me and enjoy the photo.
I will be there on saturday again.
Yesterday, I met the vicar- really lovely man, told me to be patient.
Kev

Kev,
I am not so sure that you need to become a new person/man. I think you need to give yourself the time to heal. I think maybe talking to a grief counselor, or anybody for that matter, may be good for you. The vicar was right...be patient. It just takes time. It doesnt last forever. And if Carol cant see the great person you are, well then, thats her issue, not yours. I think its wonderful that you take time off by yourself to reflect on everything. And especially at the church, that just the sight of the picture took my breath away. Theres nothing wrong with you, it just takes time.
"All things work for good." Thats my favorite verse. But the memory is still going hurt, and I know that. But if you live in the past...theres no future. Not for you, not for your son. Continue on like you have been, reflecting on the past happy times, but resolve, that instead of changing her opinion of you....change your opinion of yourself. Give yourself back the confidence and self esteem you deserve.

beckiboo · Apr 20, 2005

Very well said, Diane.
Kev, sounds like you have found a lovely, peaceful spot. I would like to challenge you, the next time you are there to pray, instead of "this is how I want it God, make it so", pray that God will give you peace, healing for your broken heart, and wisdom to be the best Dad possible for your son.
I know you want your wife and son back. God knows you want that, too. Maybe that will happen, but for now you need to shift your focus away from Carol. There is good in your future, Kev. So great that you can find a bit of good now, despite the tears!

pat · Apr 21, 2005

The photo of this church took my breath away, I wish I could visit it some day.

diane8704 · Apr 21, 2005

Hi there, Kev!
How are you doing today??

jcat · Apr 21, 2005

That's a beautiful, peaceful place, Kev, and the vicar seems wise. Time and patience will help you.

yosemite · Apr 21, 2005

Kevin, bless you. There is nothing more attractive than someone with a good sense of self-worth. You can take a handsome/beautiful person who has low self-esteem and a person not quite as handsome/beautiful who has that "joie de vivre" and you can guess who is the more attractive.

Get your self-esteem healed and know you are a good man, a deserving man and try to get on and go about your life today and tomorrow. It's nice to have memories of yesterday, but don't dwell on the what ifs and wishing things could be what they were - they never will be even if you two did get back together. Things have already changed in your relationship.

I think somewhere down the road Carol will realize what she gave up and you will realize how much you are worth.

Hugs and good thoughts to you Kevin.

rockcat · Apr 21, 2005

Kev, you and your family are still in my prayers.

wellingtoncats · Apr 21, 2005

Kev, you are still in my thoughts!

kev · Apr 21, 2005

Originally Posted by diane8704

Hi there, Kev!
How are you doing today??

If my wife happened to be reading this "I'm doing great".
Truth is, reality is very different... no such thing as a good day at the moment. Sorry:-(
K

kev · Apr 21, 2005

Originally Posted by Pat & Alix

The photo of this church took my breath away, I wish I could visit it some day.

Its only 10 minutes away in the car for me, as we had a bright afternoon with the sun, I went down last night and sat for an hour.
The vicar saw me and waved as he walked past. It was incredibly quiet last night, no wind, just me, the churchyard, my thoughts, prayers and tears.
When I left, I drove to Towton and watched the final few minutes of the sunset accrross Marston Moor (famous battle took place, we Yorkshire folk dont give in and one of the bloodiest on British record). That and the quiet and a few more tears was extremely emotional for me.
Today at work, tomorrow, well, possible back to the area I love and sunday, huge smile, look good and go see our son for a few hours. Want her to see whats shes missing in me.... not the broken bit.
Have a good day guys
K

kev · Apr 21, 2005

Originally Posted by diane8704

Kev,
change your opinion of yourself. Give yourself back the confidence and self esteem you deserve.

How????

cazx01 · Apr 22, 2005

Originally Posted by kev

How????

I think that just comes with time Kev

flisssweetpea · Apr 22, 2005

Yep, I agree with Carrie. And, by looking ahead of you rather than over your shoulder at what's gone before.

lillekat · Apr 22, 2005

OH Kev.... I used to live in Church Fenton. That's where mum and dad got married and where if I recall, I was baptised. It is a very beautiful place and the vicar sounds really lovely.

I know this is really stupid sounding... I've taken solace from angels. TImes are not good for me either now.... but it's comforting to know that out there there is someone watching over me to guide me and make it better. I've called on them many times.... through cards... oh please don't laugh because it makes me feel so much better. And every time... i pull out the card of Archangel Michael. Every time I draw. There is only one card for him in 52... I don't know if it means something but it's nice to think it does. I've asked them to watch over you.... and in the last five draws, no matter how I've shuffled the cards, I've drawn Archangel Chamuel. Archangel Chamuel is all powerful in the matters of love. Maybe it does sound really really stupid and like I've lost my mind... but maybe there is something in it. I'd like to think they are looking after you like they seem to lok after me. PLease don't laugh...please don't, it's given me great comfort... I jsut want to bring some of that comfort to you too. God bless.

kev · Apr 22, 2005

emma - I never laugh at that sort of thing - I have sent you two very long PM's - you will understand why when you read them.
Love to you
K

beckiboo · Apr 23, 2005

Kev, the time you are spending in tears is time facing the grief of your loss. You won't feel better about yourself soon, but over time it will come.

I'm glad you are able to share your feelings here. I'm glad you have found a beautiful place to cry and pray and heal. I hope you felt some happiness in the time you spent with your son. ((((Hugs)))

misstorri · Apr 23, 2005

Kevin, Every time I read one of your posts I want to cry! Things will get better, maybe not as soon as you want them to, but they will. What a beatiful place, I would go there too.I am sending you lots of hugs!

kev · Apr 23, 2005

Originally Posted by misstorri

Kevin, Every time I read one of your posts I want to cry!

I am so sorry - if you had wept as much as I had yesterday at that place, then I am personally responsible for the growth in the grass there. I am off to see Christopher, via the church and then to him. How I wish for a miracle and that there was two of them to take out today, not just one.
Take care pet
K

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