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So confused--(hefty stuff)...long(sorry) - Page 2

post #31 of 61
Originally Posted by Sanctie
I think I will stick around for a while because my options are extremely limited. I am going to look at this space thing in a different light. I am not going to sit and pine while he does his own thing, I am going to do my own thing too. I am going to look at it as though I am the one who wants this space and I am going to enjoy it.
Even if you have limited options, it sounds like you are on the right track knowing that you shouldn't sit there and pine for him. Keep that mentality in everything you do.
post #32 of 61
Oh Stevie, all I can do it provide lots of hugs for you -
post #33 of 61
What do you honestly want from this? before he said anything were you happy or just drifting along?

He might have just said this to provoke you because he was feeling a little comfortable and five years without getting married is a long time. it not just women who need the security of marriage, he might be insecure that he's invested five years in you and had the realisation that you might not be together for ever.

I have been in this situation but I was the one in your bf's shoes. I was in a relationship for two years that was ok but he was definitly not 'the one'. (no comparison to your relationship intended). I met my current boyfriend, we started flirting and i ended up leaving my partner for him.

if your boyfriend was going to leave you for this hussy or cheat on you he would have done it by now. And he most certainly wouldnt have told you about her. personally i think he is testing you. trying to provoke a reaction one way or another.

if you want this to work you have to give it some time and space. build up a life away from him so you have something to fall back on. take up a hobby and make new friends and build strong relationships with your old ones.

speak to him. find out what he wants to do.

if he wants to stay together set time aside twice a week to be together. once to talk seriously about what you want and another day to date. start dating each other again and have fun.

my friend was with her husband for five years and they did not marry because it would effect her college funding. they have been married three years now so i dont think thats a poor excuse.

Most of all dont forget that you are a wonderful, beautiful girl and he is lucky to have you. How ever this works out I have every confidence that you will be ok.
post #34 of 61
Thread Starter 
All your advice is great, and thanks Maverick for reassuring me (especially about the marriage thing) and for offering such helpful advice. You guys are wonderful.
post #35 of 61
Thread Starter 
Guys; I said I would keep you updated, well... It's over. I tried, he didnt. I found he had spent personal time with said girl, and came home today to find him talking on the phone with her. I ended it finally, with no hopes of recovery. He was really callous about the whole thing. That hurt alot worse, he acted like he couldnt care less, and he was happy I was ending it. It makes me realize that he has been out of love with me for a really long time to have been able to be so cold. It really hurt and upset me.

I moved alot of my stuff out today and took it to some out-of-town family's to store. Took immediate necessities and Conner of course, and am staying with some really amazing friends who are being absolutely wonderful. Having Conner with me is no prob either, they really love him and have a cat and pup of their own who are incredibly spoiled. Everytime they have visited they bring Conner a toy or treat, they are angels. They have offered to let me stay as long as I need, and have even offered to upgrade to a larger (2 bedroom) apt. so I could move in fully. Dont really know what's in me and Conner's future though.

Another blessing: My grandmother just paid off my car in full (with a recent small inheritance she recieved from a late great-aunt--about $15,000) I owed $7,000 on my car and she paid it off, and is allowing me to pay her a little here and there and doesnt ever expect the full amount back, as long as I make effort to give her $20-50$ every now and then when I can, and stay in college. This is awesome news! On top of that, when I went in to pay my insurance bill, they informed me that my premium recently dropped and my account was credited some money and I do not owe again until July 25th. God is really looking out for me in my time of need right now by providing me with amazing friends and financial blessings. Thank you all for praying for me, please continue for a little while longer, I am still really hurt and confused and feeling a little alone since my world has quite recently been turned upside down and inside out. Thanks again guys, I will try not to whine to much on TCS, but if I do, here's an apology in advance! Sorry!!
post #36 of 61
It's okay to whine to friends... I'm sorry for your pain. He's missing out on a sweet person! Although it's hard to see through your hurt right now, you deserved more than you were getting. Hold tight!
post #37 of 61
What a JERK!!!
I am so happy you got out of there and sound like things are going better than expected.

I hope things continue to get better!
post #38 of 61
That was a good update Stevie, but one of the best things about it was that you seem to be thinking clearly and handling it well considering it was so hurtful. Whining is when you complain about your life without doing anything in the follow up to change it or even accept it. I don't think you've done that here. Good luck with the new direction you're heading.
post #39 of 61
Stevie, I don't know you personally, but reading this entire thread made me think of my past and an ex-girlfriend. In our situation, it was the reverse. She met someone and I was left with the lost sick feeling. I was out of work at the time as well. But, things are looking up for you. You did the right thing by ending it. You will feel lost and confused, it is only natural. I too spent 5 years with my ex and that is a big part of your life to spend with someone. Now that you ended it, you will not have to keep thinking about the "what if's" and will begin to see things more clearly as your heart begins to heal. Yes, it will take time, but I promise, you will feel better. I recovered and am now married to a wonderful woman for the past 4 1/2 years. Makes me think, what the heck did I see in my ex? So, give yourself all the time you need. Cry if you want to, don't hold it in. If you whine, no need to appologize, we all understand. Remember, you have lots of friends here and Connor who loves you dearly. I wish the very best for you and Amber and Boris give you BIG bobcat hugs and kisses.
post #40 of 61
Fate/God/Destiny steps in when we need it - I am so glad that the immediate problems are out of the way and you can concentrate on your long term goals. First of all. I would do everything you can to stay in college - it is so hard to go back later. That happened to me and I didn't get my masters till 40 years later! So try to plan everything round that, and things will fall into place. You sound incredibly strong and clear headed so although things have fallen apart in some ways, I am sure you will find the way through. And there will be other people in your life and another love, though it always seems impossible at the time of a break-up. Very best of luck - you will succeed.
post #41 of 61
I agree with everyone else here Stevie.

All the best to you!
post #42 of 61
Wow, I've just read this whole thread and I'm really, really sorry for you Stevie. That must have been SOOOO hard, but I'm very pleased that you were able to have the power to end it yourself, and not have the insult of him ending on top of the injury of his `affair'.

I'm sure if you were with him for five years then he is a pretty good guy, and you had some lovely times together. I'm sure he never meant to hurt you and was not acting in a callous way to be nasty, but was perhaps just uncomfortable and embarrassed and didn't know how to deal with you. When I found out about my ex-husband's affair he was exactly the same way at first.

I am thrilled about all the good news you've had with your friends, Connor and your car and insurance. It seems as though this decision was the right one for you, as all of a sudden things have started to fall into place.

And all I can say on a feminine-revenge note is SUCKED IN TO HIM. You were the one who showed that you had strength and respect and character here, and you will come out flying. He will regret his decision for a very long time, I suspect, and although it might be hard to imagine now, one day you will be over him, and either be good friends or he could be but a distant memory.

post #43 of 61
Stevie your bound to be hurting inside, and will do for possibly months ahead!.

But for me you did the right thing because to be speaking to this other girl on the phone in your presence is the lowest of the low!.

Just take it one day at a time like i did when i had my breakup, and i promise you that it does get better!.

You make sure your well groomed at all times and smiling just incase he sees you out because take it from me ex's don't like to see you looking "normal" so soon after a breakup!
post #44 of 61
Stevie, I'm so happy that you are strong enough to take some action. It was a very brave thing to do and something that I'm sure will make you happy in the long run. Your friends are wonderful - treasure them; as I'm sure you do.

With regard to your (former) relationship, I wouldn't take anything from the fact that he was callous about the whole thing ending other than the fact that this was right. When hubby was divorced many years ago, he said while you're still feeling angry or sad, there is still some emotion there. He said you know the relationship is finally dead when you just feel nothing about it ending. He also said that in general (and by no means does this apply to every male) men will let a relationship drift for a long time hoping their partner will end it.

It may not be that this girl was the cause of your break up. If everything was rosy he wouldn't give her a second glance. She was most probably really a symptom of the things that were not right.

Whilst you'll have some sad days among the happy ones to begin with, I wish you and Connor a bright and happy future
post #45 of 61
i will agree with beth there about the men letting the relationship drift for a long time.
I'm glad everything has sorted out for the mean while, it seems like "god" and destiny is on your side.

When ever people have hurt me, i always tell them that they are going to regret it and that they are going to suffer for it. (kind of witchy in that way) usually a few days or weeks later they do regret saying certain things to me because they really had to pay a high price for it

What goes around, comes around, and he isnt going to get any better in life.
post #46 of 61
Thread Starter 
Well, today I got the rest of my things from the apartment. It was much worse. I liked it a bit better when he was being an a&&hole, today was a very emotional and sad day. He let me know that he still wanted to talk, not be strangers,,and I had to tell him No, I am not putting myself thru that. It was very hard. We actually said a weird final emotional hugging goodbye, and I cried the rest of the day. I thought I was doing so much better, and maybe I am, but their are moments that I just completely fall apart, like today. I hope these moments get fewer and fewer. It was/is just sooo hard. Thanks for all your prayers!!!
post #47 of 61
Thread Starter 
Well, today I got the rest of my things from the apartment. It was much worse. I liked it a bit better when he was being an a&&hole (yesterday), today was a very emotional and sad day. He let me know that he still wanted to talk, not be strangers,,and I had to tell him No, I am not putting myself thru that. It was very hard. We actually said a weird final emotional hugging goodbye, and I cried the rest of the day. I thought I was doing so much better, and maybe I am, but their are moments that I just completely fall apart, like today. I hope these moments get fewer and fewer. It was/is just sooo hard. Thanks for all your prayers!!!
post #48 of 61
Oh ***** I am *** sorry!!!!!!!! I cried about halfway through this thread because I hadn't known of it's existence (things can get pushed really far down -really fast- on this Board) as your first post happened when I was entirely away from computers in Utah, leaving the 11th. Stevie, I am so sorry. There are flashes of brilliance in this thread that hit me really hard, that is, your undying faith and resilience in yourself, and your pride in who you are. I guess that's where I started crying because you are kind to yourself. You don't beat yourself up: you try and guide your soul through these uncharted waters instead and that is a higher calling, I believe. I feel so deeply that is right so your internal kindness to your own heart moves me. I've seen your photos and you are so pretty - have no fear there. But this break must be so hard....it wears on your emotions, it plays with your sleep, it seeps into your heart when you promised yourself you'd shut that door. I do know. But having said that, I really admire you in the way you're handling this break. I feel so very strongly that there is a very special angel on your shoulder that is protecting you somehow. Your wonderful family has aleviated some of the financial burden and there's been some good things that have sent you strong messages. When we are in harmony with God and nature, things get taken care of when we least expect it, like a soft message saying "there you are...this is the path....keep going this way."

I wish you lived in Seattle, you could stay with us and bring Connor too! You have something very special, Steve, has anyone told you? -- You are not bitter. You are not bitter. What a gift that is. Every word you write is kind, even the harshest. You're ready to move on, and there is somebody out there, sometime in your very bright future, that deserves such a light turned towards them as the good light around you. I normally use a lot of icons when I write, but I wanted to say this all plain and simple. I hope you understand my words as my heart is with you and I see a very pretty, bright, strong and kindhearted young woman down in Texas who has set a huge example for others.
post #49 of 61
Things will get easier. Slowly, and it will seem like it's taking forever. But each day is a new day, and each day will be clearer for you and slowly be better.

Breakups are always such a hard thing to do, especiailly when there are so many memories and so much time involved. You just need to constantly reassure yourself that you deserve someone who will treat you how you deserve to be treated and make you number one. Anytime a thought of sadness comes into your head you need to remind yoruself that this is better for you because you deserve someone who will treat you like a princess.

And then, one day.. one day near or far, you'll wake up and truely believe it.

I should practice what I preach.
post #50 of 61
Elizabeth has eloquently said everything I was thinking. Know that you are being guided here; you're being watched over, even though it doesn't seem so. Overhearing the phone call must have been an emotional punch in the face, but it gave you the push you needed to know that the relationship was well and truly over, and stopped you from wasting time trying to hold onto something that wasn't meant to be. It pushed you at a time when all else started falling into place, physically and financially. You're stronger than you know. Tears don't mean you're weak, they mean you're a loving, caring person. Although it is painful, it will get better, hard as that is to imagine now. Force yourself to move through the world, study hard, work hard, get together with friends (even if you don't feel like it). One day you'll realize that the pain has changed...it's no longer sharp, but a dull ache, and, eventually, gone. Lean on your friends. Lean on your family. Lean on us.
post #51 of 61
You are an extremely strong woman and I am very proud of you for keeping your good character intact. You deserve better and now that you're free you can explore your options, in good time of course.

Always remember to cry when you need to and talk whenever you have the urge. We will be here for you.

But also go out and have fun, let loose, burn some energy. You'll feel good during it and afterwards.

post #52 of 61
Thread Starter 
Thankyou to all the new replies guys. I am about to explode right now, I am so angry. His roommate just informed me that the new girl stayed over last night!!! Now I know that we are NEVER getting back together under any circumstances whatsoever, but this just makes me want to scream and cry all at the same time!!!! Has he been doing this all along, how could someone I thought I knew inside and out have changed so much?? Has he always been this person?? I really need to hit something and that is not a feeling that I am used to feel. AAAAaaagghhhh!!! THe day after all of the breakup and him being an ass, I went over to get the rest of my stuff, and he was all sentimental wanting pics of me, and he wanted us to still talk and I told him no, and he was trying to show concern. It was sooo hard for me to not fall into it. We went thru our old papers and stuff and found Valentines Day cards and old little post-its that we had left messages for each other on and stuff, and it was all so sweet and loving, it was like, wow, we were so much in love with eachother at one point in time,, what happened?! When did it happen?! I spent the rest of the day crying, and now to hear this!! It's only been like 3 days, and he sleeps with her openly? Did I really mean that little to him? I loved him w/ all my heart, and I do not consider myself one of those stupid girls who are blinded, but I would have sworn he felt the same. We had an awesome open, best friend and lover type of relationship. Was I really that stupid? I dont think I have ever been this mad. Just 2 days ago he was feeding me his sentimental BS wanting pics of me and Conner,, the nerve! I just dont know how to deal with this overwhelming feeling of anger and disappointment, and sadness, and stupidness, and helplessness, and restlessness, I just dont know. I want to cry and scream all at the very same time, and there are people over so I can do none of these, I, well I just don't know. Someone please say something.
post #53 of 61
Stevie, This is the first time I have read this thread, And I must say whew!, you've been through a bunch. First, I want to say that I am SO very happy that you got yourself out of there.
I think what your feeling right now makes perfect sense. It has been less than a week and he is already 'moving on'. He's a peice of crap man, that is what he is. And if it were me... I'd be hoping that she gives him some kind of something down below. The man cant face to be alone. And you know what that makes him? WEAK. YOU, Stevie, are the strong one here. You did the harder, stronger thing and left this man that was treating you poorly. I hope you can take comfort in that, even though you are hurting. It may be hard right now at this moment, but it will get better. Trust me. It WILL get better.
When my husband & I separated, he immediately went to stay with his ex-wife. Talk about a BLOW TO THE FACE!!! I was furious!! But now... 8 months later... I have the BEST job that I've ever had ( l love it) AND a brand spanking new car, awesome friends (that I wouldnt have been able to make while with him), and I am more care free than I have been in several years. Life is good. Yours will get better. I promise!!!
post #54 of 61
hey sweetie, Dinah is really right-on about things that will come about later. It's ok to feel angry and exhausted and awful and bitchy and it's ok. What I will say besides the words I've already written in my post to you, is that he's immature. What you are experiencing is his AGE. Yes, even older men can act that way, but his judgement and rushing right into something new is just immaturity in a really big and general sense. I have a gut feeling that it won't last and then he'll really wonder what went wrong with a lot of things. Better yet - YOU are the one better off. He might never have the self-possession to look inside his own character that deeply or he might have it much later in his life, I dunno. I will tell you that my Eric did a similar thing when he was 22 and he's nothing like he was at that age now. I actually feel sorry for her on a way...the ghost of you will be there, so to speak, and he'll feel it and it will trip him up.
post #55 of 61
Thread Starter 
Ya know, I truly hope that in the future he realizes his mistake and wants me back,,, because I want the oppurtunity to tell him to kiss my a$$. Honestly, I really hope so. I have felt like the victim through all of this, I want a little power, I would love to see him feel the way I do. Shame on me for feeling this way and wanting to be soo vindictive. I am just so angry.
post #56 of 61
Not shame on you at all for feeling this way, honey. He has hurt and betrayed you to a degree that is just so unfair and unkind. Elizabeth is right, the ghost of you will be there and it will make them both completely unable to move on together. And sucked in, I say. It is proven that less than 5% of affairs result in lasting relationships, and I tell you, he will want you back one day. But you know? I think you're such a strong and obviously sweet and kind person that by that time you won't even want to tell him to kiss your butt. You will be over it and him, and be pretty much indifferent, I'm thinking, and that will hurt him a whole lot more than any anger or aggression. `Success is the best revenge' so they say. When my ex-husband first came over to my new place after we separated (this is after years of him telling me I had no spine and I would never be able to look after myself blah blah blah) he almost fell over on the spot. I was living in a beautiful villa, by myself, with beautiful furniture and everything I could possibly want, cable TV, great food and friends and music and wine and life, and of course my beautiful cats. He was stuck out in a hole somewhere in woop-woop with no curtains and no garden and no friends and no anything. I tell you I've never felt better than when I did that night. I was so nice and normal to him, and my landing on my feet snuffed him better than anything else could have.

This is what you need to do, darl. See this as the best opportunity of your life to learn to love yourself again. Forget him as a motivation and think of YOU, and before you know it, you'll be on top of the world and he will be far, far below you, where he belongs, and where he has obviously been all along anyway.
post #57 of 61
No you are human. No shame on you - you have acted in a very good way from what you are saying and describing. Funny, I was head over heels in love with a guy when I was your age (and I don't mean it that way, just 26 is all).... I wanted more than he could give. Months later I met up with him again and he opened his mouth to talk to me, he was genuinely glad to see me! But something funny happened.....he was so ugly inside! All the intense attraction I had for him just evaporated right then and there....and he became pathetic to me. I knew I had outgrown him; I'd never have any interest in him again. I felt so free!
post #58 of 61
Oh Stevie, just read this thread and I'm soo sorry. It took me back to about 10 years ago and I was in the same situation. I'll be honest and say that I didn't really feel normal for about a year afterwards.

But you know what, at that point, a year later, I realized SOOOO many things that had been totally wrong with the relationship and that I had become so much stronger as a result. You will do it too!

Stand proud on the outside, but feel free to hug the tile floor and bawl your eyes out. Find some positive thinking new girl friends that just went through breakups (they're out there, and they'll not only understand, they'll sleep over, provide comfort and love, and want to hear about the weird things that will go on in your head! That's what helped me the most and one of those women is still my best friend)

You are grieving a loss that while not as "tangible" as death, is a loss that it just as great. Let yourself grieve.

Thinking of you,
post #59 of 61
Stevie, may I suggest to you, that you do not make any contact or ask any questions about him now. Don't even let him know you care. Just go on with your life, as hard as that may be right now. You know, as hard as it may seem, he can also be hurting and having this other girl over may be the only way he can cope with the situation. But, all the feelings you are having right now are normal. You tend to go through 3 phases. First, it's the "why me" phase, where you feel like this has only happened to you. The second is the "angry" phase, where you seem to be heading for now. You get mad and that is normal and ok! Then the last phase, is the healing phase. Where you begin to cope with the situation. It has only been a few days, you need to give yourself time. But please, stay away from him. Don't speak with him and don't ask anyone about him. (Like, what is he doing or who is he going out with.) These things will only make it worse for you and prolong the healing phase. After time, you can stay in touch, if that is what you want, but only after you have given yourself time to heal. What ever you do, do not date anyone now for awhile. You do not want to "rebound" on another person that you may not know much about. You may feel as if you are in love with this new person, but in actuality, it would more than likely be old feelings for your ex. Learn to be happy with yourself, even if that means being alone for a while. You will come out stronger and wiser, to this often times, difficult dating/relationship game. When my ex-girlfriend of 5 years left me, this is exactly what I did. I went out with friends and even did many things alone. I was happy being single and once I did start dating again, I felt heck, if this doesn't work, I have nothing to worry about, because I was also happy being single and alone. Your mind is more clear and free this way. I ended up dating again after awhile. The next thing I knew, I met this wonderful woman who is now my wife
post #60 of 61
Thread Starter 
I just wanted to say thank you all. And I really mean it. Your advice is so genuine, and you actually took the time to offer honest and indepth advice, it means alot to me. I am going to re-read this entire thread every time I start to feel pitiful and lonely, just to remind me to be positive, and that there are lovely people out there who have been through it and care. So your advice will get a lot of use, lol. Please know that, I truly treasure each and everyone of your honesty and friendship in this time. I am going to do my best to not rant, I feel like I have so much in my head to say, but then I realize that I have pretty much said it all, and I would just be repeating myself.

I had mentioned before I was going to check out housing programs for college students and such, well I did, and found that the city housing list doesnt open until september but I should have no prob, qualifying. They explained to me that I do not have to live in the projects, I can live anywhere in my county, and they will provide me with a housing voucher that covers some or all of my rent depending where I live. If I live in a cheap one-bdrm apt they will prob pay all my rent except like, $50. I just have to prove that I can pay utilities. That I could do, and while I am not excited about government assistance, I am just reminding myself that that is what it is there for, for those who truly need it.

The lovely friends I am staying with now have also offered to upgrade to a two bdrm apt and let me live rent free just do housekeeping.(which is what I am doing now) Although it is a wonderful offer, and I will probably be staying with them for a long time, I feel the overwhelming need to live by myself, well, with Conner ofcourse. And have my own things and not depend on Tony or friends. (although I would be depending on govt assistance) But again, Hey, I am in college. THey say that they like to help college students out. Again, that isn't until Sept./Oct., so it is a while away anyway, just on my mind.

I have also decided to take up Taebo after finals are over, and try to start running, although I am quite out of shape. I need some kind of physical outlet for my anger. I cant get the very vivid and graphic picture of him being sexually intimate with her out of my head, and it blinds me with rage, if I cant get the pic out of my head, then I may as well put it to good use, because everytime I think of it, my adrenaline rises, I will use that as my motivating thought to kick butt at Taebo, lol. Sounds crazy and kind of sick I know, but I cant stop thinking about it, might as well put the crazy rage feeling to some kind of beneficial use, rather than sitting around thinking self-destructive thoughts.

Sorry if I have been rambling. Again I thank each and everyone one of you for your kindness and wisdom, and for your continued concern and support.
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