So confused--(hefty stuff)...long(sorry)

Ok Guys, First let me begin by saying I am sorry I havent posted. Things have been really hard lately, and I havent wanted to talk about anything because I cant even work things out in my head. Tony doesnt know what he wants, and I do,,I want him. I dont know if it will ever work out, even if we try, because I'm not sure how strong my trust in him is. Right now, we are taking a lot of space away from eachother, we are pretty much single, just without seeing other people. We still live in the same apartment, but we never ever see eachother. After the first post about how I was going to make his decision for him, and blah blah blah, I went home and told him my mind and tried to end it, in fact I did,, He pulled me back from the edge and talked me out of it. I dont know if it's the right decision, but we are going to take space for a while, a long while, and then we are going to re-evaluate the stiuation, and come to a somewhat more objective decision.
I may be dragging myself through the mud even more by doing this, and I may be losing something in the process, but the way I am trying to look at it is, if I walk out on it now, I will be losing even more. Whether it ends now because I end it, or it ends later after this space, because he wants to end it, then in either of those situations, it ends anyway. And it will hurt anyway. I might as well try.
Diane, yes marriage has been discussed, the only reason we arent married is because it would effect my need-based loans for school. This is so crazy to me,, he wants kids in like 2 yrs! And he wants to marry me, but he is confused right now.
I have made it clear to him, that if he chooses us, then that is what he is choosing completely, no turning back, no loop holes. I have also made it clear, that if he chooses us, that it will be the harder of the two options he is facing because we have a lot of work to do. Yes, it might dissuade him from choosing us, but if he does, I know he is willing to work against the odds for me, and if he doesn't, then I will know he didn't really want all of me.
I do not feel like the decision I am making is the right one, but I do not feel like any decision is the right one. I dont know if this space thing is the best idea, because that is what caused a lot of the probs in the first place. He told me that if I want to stay with a friend I can leave Conner with him,,,nice offer, but FAT CHANCE!
Oh guys, what to do, what to do. Do I try this, do I sit around and let him take his merry time to figure out whether or not I am worth the effort? Or do I walk away, and throw any possibilities there are away? And if I do stay, and he does choose me, will it even work? Will I always be questioning him and his faithfulness? And on top of that, if he chooses me, then, how am I supposed to spend time with him and his friends, because she is friends with all of his friends, and I just cant, and won't deal with trying to be cordial to a girl who has shown no respect for someone's relationship. I am so confused, I think I have a moment of clarity every now and then, but then the next instant, I feel completely different. It's not like I dont know what I want,, I desperately want to walk out and leave him, and I desperately want to make it work. LOL, see I know exactly what I want, I strongly want two opposing things. That makes it worse, I wish I just didnt care either way!

I have to be completely honest.
When i met my bf, He said he was single, i soon found out that he was living with his ex??? gf! but as time went he was together with me and her and it hurt, because not only did i feel like a s*ut, but i wanted him to leave her so i could have him all to my self, i gave him many chances, and he ended up leaving her for good after 6 months of me and him knowing each other.
Now
Sometimes I DO REGRET THAT I TOOK HIM!
But i kept him, and sometimes i cant trust him at all but im building it up.
He says he isnt as jealous as i am but he is! even more!!!
Now dont get me wrong, bf and i have had a very good relationship for about a year now, there have been our ups and downs, but in the end we did take a bit of space so he could get his head clear, and maybe this is what ur bf has to do also.

My bf said that he would never take a virgin becuase they always want to explore others after a while.. He is actually scared that one day i might leave because i am bored of him and that i have found someone else interesting.
because im so young. (isnt much older than me )

I dont know how your relationship was, but seriously think it through because youre right there is no turning back!

That's gotta be rough Stevie. You've invested 5 youthful years with this guy, but you're still very young. You've got plenty of time for space and it sounds like you both need it. If you truly love each other, I think you could spend a significant amount of time away from each other and still have the same feelings. If it fades away to a significant degree then it wasn't meant to be. I think your boyfriend is being selfish. He wants to pursue the girl he has a crush on, but he wants to keep his options open with you.

i went through the same thing awhile back, boyfriend of 4 years and we had a child together...i was a broke college student as well...talked to some people about the situation i was in and ended up finding someone who had a big house and rented out rooms for cheap...i pulled through and you will too, if you have no family, then make sure you keep your baby, he's your family! on a brighter note, that happened to me 9 years ago...and today i am happily married with 3 beautiful children, things do get better, just hang in there!

I also agree with Ryan and a lot of other members.

This guy wants you to be there waiting when he makes up his mind.
That is not a person you can ever have a good relationship again with.
The trust is gone!
If he falls for someone that easily, who's to say the next pretty skirt that comes along and flirts with him, that he won't do this again.

I'm very, very sorry you have to go through this!!
The right person is still out there for you!
I've been through this deeply broken heart stuff, and it leaves a huge scar, but you will heal, although it may not seem like it right now, with only time.

Please keep writing and keep us informed and we can offer you our care and concern and encouragement along the way!!

tough situation

A few things are evident
- he's not 100% emotionally committed to you, while you're 110% committed to him
- you need financial help
- you've been together for a long time, but not married (financial reasons aside, i think it's a soft reason)

Truthfully, I think in 6 months, or a year, or maybe in a few years you'll be separated and going your own different ways. I think for now you should stay together with him, for financial reasons. Since you were never married, you need to, very gently, 'take advantage' of this situation and .. well.. leech off him for a while.

I read this in many different psycology books, but in general, if people live together for a long, long time - they get married for basically two reasons: 1. unexpected baby 2. ultimatum from one of the spouses - which really means that these marriages are 1,000 times more likely to fail and they do!

Having said all this... please remain strong and good luck to you!

I deeply appreciate all of your advice. You people are some of the most honest. Thankyou for that, I need it. Each and every one of your comments touch my heart dearly and I take all of them into deep consideration. Rare Puss, I like your frankness about how you see us seperated within a year anyway,, wow. I think I feel the same way, and it makes me feel guilty, because I do want us to work, but in reality, I dont know if we will. I think I will stick around for a while because my options are extremely limited. I am going to look at this space thing in a different light. I am not going to sit and pine while he does his own thing, I am going to do my own thing too. I am going to look at it as though I am the one who wants this space and I am going to enjoy it.

Let me just apologize in advance for any whining I do, because I know it will happen, I change my mind approximately every 23 seconds, LOL, and am very confused and pitiful right now, and in the next couple months to come, if it's a dominant theme in my posts and ramblings, please forgive me, because I can seldom completely focus on anything else. And for all my resolve about enjoying my space and taking action and what not, it is still so very hard for me. Going into psychology, I know what coping techniques and attitudes I need to have to maintain a healthy mindset, so I will do them (if not mechanically), but it is still so difficult to not turn into a giant pile of sap, again please forgive me in advance.

Originally Posted by Hydroaxe

That's gotta be rough Stevie. You've invested 5 youthful years with this guy, but you're still very young. You've got plenty of time for space and it sounds like you both need it. If you truly love each other, I think you could spend a significant amount of time away from each other and still have the same feelings. If it fades away to a significant degree then it wasn't meant to be. I think your boyfriend is being selfish. He wants to pursue the girl he has a crush on, but he wants to keep his options open with you.

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I totally agree with Ryan on this one Stevie, he's having his cake and eatting it too!

It doesn't sound as though you have family to rely on financially, so you may have to think about putting school on hold while you get a job and get yourself more fluid financially. It is the downside to having been completely financially dependant on him until now.

Originally Posted by Sanctie

I think I will stick around for a while because my options are extremely limited. I am going to look at this space thing in a different light. I am not going to sit and pine while he does his own thing, I am going to do my own thing too. I am going to look at it as though I am the one who wants this space and I am going to enjoy it.

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Even if you have limited options, it sounds like you are on the right track knowing that you shouldn't sit there and pine for him. Keep that mentality in everything you do.

Oh Stevie, all I can do it provide lots of hugs for you -

What do you honestly want from this? before he said anything were you happy or just drifting along?

He might have just said this to provoke you because he was feeling a little comfortable and five years without getting married is a long time. it not just women who need the security of marriage, he might be insecure that he's invested five years in you and had the realisation that you might not be together for ever.

I have been in this situation but I was the one in your bf's shoes. I was in a relationship for two years that was ok but he was definitly not 'the one'. (no comparison to your relationship intended). I met my current boyfriend, we started flirting and i ended up leaving my partner for him.

if your boyfriend was going to leave you for this hussy or cheat on you he would have done it by now. And he most certainly wouldnt have told you about her. personally i think he is testing you. trying to provoke a reaction one way or another.

if you want this to work you have to give it some time and space. build up a life away from him so you have something to fall back on. take up a hobby and make new friends and build strong relationships with your old ones.

speak to him. find out what he wants to do.

if he wants to stay together set time aside twice a week to be together. once to talk seriously about what you want and another day to date. start dating each other again and have fun.

my friend was with her husband for five years and they did not marry because it would effect her college funding. they have been married three years now so i dont think thats a poor excuse.

Most of all dont forget that you are a wonderful, beautiful girl and he is lucky to have you. How ever this works out I have every confidence that you will be ok.

All your advice is great, and thanks Maverick for reassuring me (especially about the marriage thing) and for offering such helpful advice. You guys are wonderful.

Guys; I said I would keep you updated, well... It's over. I tried, he didnt. I found he had spent personal time with said girl, and came home today to find him talking on the phone with her. I ended it finally, with no hopes of recovery. He was really callous about the whole thing. That hurt alot worse, he acted like he couldnt care less, and he was happy I was ending it. It makes me realize that he has been out of love with me for a really long time to have been able to be so cold. It really hurt and upset me.

I moved alot of my stuff out today and took it to some out-of-town family's to store. Took immediate necessities and Conner of course, and am staying with some really amazing friends who are being absolutely wonderful. Having Conner with me is no prob either, they really love him and have a cat and pup of their own who are incredibly spoiled. Everytime they have visited they bring Conner a toy or treat, they are angels. They have offered to let me stay as long as I need, and have even offered to upgrade to a larger (2 bedroom) apt. so I could move in fully. Dont really know what's in me and Conner's future though.

Another blessing: My grandmother just paid off my car in full (with a recent small inheritance she recieved from a late great-aunt--about $15,000) I owed $7,000 on my car and she paid it off, and is allowing me to pay her a little here and there and doesnt ever expect the full amount back, as long as I make effort to give her $20-50$ every now and then when I can, and stay in college. This is awesome news! On top of that, when I went in to pay my insurance bill, they informed me that my premium recently dropped and my account was credited some money and I do not owe again until July 25th. God is really looking out for me in my time of need right now by providing me with amazing friends and financial blessings. Thank you all for praying for me, please continue for a little while longer, I am still really hurt and confused and feeling a little alone since my world has quite recently been turned upside down and inside out. Thanks again guys, I will try not to whine to much on TCS, but if I do, here's an apology in advance! Sorry!!

It's okay to whine to friends... I'm sorry for your pain. He's missing out on a sweet person! Although it's hard to see through your hurt right now, you deserved more than you were getting. Hold tight!

What a JERK!!!
I am so happy you got out of there and sound like things are going better than expected.

I hope things continue to get better!

That was a good update Stevie, but one of the best things about it was that you seem to be thinking clearly and handling it well considering it was so hurtful. Whining is when you complain about your life without doing anything in the follow up to change it or even accept it. I don't think you've done that here. Good luck with the new direction you're heading.

Stevie, I don't know you personally, but reading this entire thread made me think of my past and an ex-girlfriend. In our situation, it was the reverse. She met someone and I was left with the lost sick feeling. I was out of work at the time as well. But, things are looking up for you. You did the right thing by ending it. You will feel lost and confused, it is only natural. I too spent 5 years with my ex and that is a big part of your life to spend with someone. Now that you ended it, you will not have to keep thinking about the "what if's" and will begin to see things more clearly as your heart begins to heal. Yes, it will take time, but I promise, you will feel better. I recovered and am now married to a wonderful woman for the past 4 1/2 years. Makes me think, what the heck did I see in my ex? So, give yourself all the time you need. Cry if you want to, don't hold it in. If you whine, no need to appologize, we all understand. Remember, you have lots of friends here and Connor who loves you dearly. I wish the very best for you and Amber and Boris give you BIG bobcat hugs and kisses.

Fate/God/Destiny steps in when we need it - I am so glad that the immediate problems are out of the way and you can concentrate on your long term goals. First of all. I would do everything you can to stay in college - it is so hard to go back later. That happened to me and I didn't get my masters till 40 years later! So try to plan everything round that, and things will fall into place. You sound incredibly strong and clear headed so although things have fallen apart in some ways, I am sure you will find the way through. And there will be other people in your life and another love, though it always seems impossible at the time of a break-up. Very best of luck - you will succeed.