So confused--(hefty stuff)...long(sorry)

sanctie · Apr 15, 2005

Hey guys, my life has just been full of drama and setbacks lately. The day after my recent scare with Conner, Tony and I talk, and he isnt happy in our relationship. Actually what it all boils down to, is that after 5 yrs of living together and having what I thought was a wonderful relationship, he is attracted to another girl. Wooh, ok, that's out. This is really hard for me. He hasnt cheated or done anything that could be construed as such, but he is very interested in someone else. I never saw it coming. I thought we were perfect together. We have talked and talked and talked ourselves blue in the face. We still love eachother and he wants to make it work, but then again he has all of these what-ifs in his head. He came to the decision that we would make it work, and we would rehabilitate our relationship, and I told him he needed to talk to the other girl, because she is likewise interested in him, and let her know what he plans to do, and close any open doors with her. So, he leaves to talk to her, and comes back even more confused, she has told him that she is very interested and wants to be with him, and feels quite deeply about it. And knowing for sure how she feels now, he regrets his decision to make it work with me, but he says he is sticking by it.

After a complete hysterical, nausious, sobbing, breakdown, and pretty much trying to convince him that 'we' are worth it, I had a moment of clarity and it dawned on me. I am being pitiful and pathetic. I have sobbed uncontrollably and havent eaten or slept in two days,,and although I love him with all of the pieces of my heart, I am not this person. I am strong and smart, and I do not have to result to trying to 'convince' him that I am worth it. When I get home today, I am going to make his decision easier for him. I am going to reiterate that I love him, but I will not play second-party to some crush he has on his co-worker. I am better than that, and I want him all or I want none of him. And until he is ready to do that, IF he is ever ready, or IF I even want anything to do with him further down the road, he can call me when he has realized what he wants in life.

Now, now that I have made this horrible decision that I dont want to enforce (although I know its right), I am really screwed. Over the past 5 yrs I have become so emotionally and financially dependent on him for everything. The emotional side will be a slow healing process, but there are many amazing women that face this very thing every day, so I know I will in time overcome that, but the immediate prob is the financial one. I am currently an unemployed college student, he and I split the car and insurance payments, now I will take those on on my own, (with no income, mind you) and I have no place to go. I have no family to help me through this difficult time, and I can sleep on friend's couches for a while, but that cant last. I have student loans and grants, but they cover school, and the extra covers about half of the monthly car costs (pymnt,ins) Even if I find a decent job, with my hectic school sched, I still cant afford to even SPLIT an apartment with a roommate! That is pitiful I know, when I said broke college student I meant it! So I have absolutely no clue what to do, with no financial assistance, and no support, I am utterly clueless. I cant take out any more loans, Ive looked into that, My credit is shot all to hell, and I cant get any credit based loans, and i already have all of the need based loans I can get. Phew, what to do?

I want to fall to pieces and dont have the luxury of doing so because I dont even know how I am going to survive. I am going to look into govt housing or assistance after school today. I also thought maybe I could live on campus, it would be cheaper than an apt, but then I couldnt have Conner, and anything that doesnt include him isnt an option. I just dont know what to do.

fwan · Apr 15, 2005

Oh dear

Im not depending on my bf financially but i am with my dad so i can understand. Maybe you can move into an appartment with 2 other room mates? It sounds like that the car has to go, or else you will end up living in it!
I dont know how your social services work over there,
But here in germany if we go to university or school the government provides us with a house and money for food and clothes everymonth.
Good luck!!
I hope someone else on tcs can help you
and im so sorry that its gone this way with your bf

mrsd · Apr 15, 2005

You are in a rough spot. You're right about this part: 'I am strong and smart, and I do not have to result to trying to 'convince' him that I am worth it. When I get home today, I am going to make his decision easier for him. I am going to reiterate that I love him, but I will not play second-party to some crush he has on his co-worker. I am better than that, and I want him all or I want none of him. And until he is ready to do that, IF he is ever ready, or IF I even want anything to do with him further down the road, he can call me when he has realized what he wants in life.'

Is there anyone you can talk to on campus? A financial counselor? How long until you graduate? Is there any way you can scale back your classes to get more time so that you can work?

Maybe he'll change his mind? But even if he does, you're going to be faced with the 'what ifs' and 'what is he doing' everytime he's away from you. It sounds like he wants you both, which won't work!

If he decides to go with the other person, have him pay you 'alimony' for leaving you in a financial/emotional crisis.

You deserve something after five years, right? And maybe he'll feel less guilty for being a traitor.

marge · Apr 15, 2005

Hey first of all, we have all been there in some way shape or form. the fact you are talking about it and dealing with it is a big step.

One thing I always do during crisis and be sure to take care of myself *even if i almost do it mechanically*, eat right, exercise, don't do self destructive things like drinking, or hanging around the wrong people etc.

As far as the rest, look into options like you are. Is there a campus advisor you can talk to? Or even counseling?

ugaimes · Apr 15, 2005

Oh my goodness Stevie!

What an incredible blow to you and the life you knew! First off, congrats on realizing that you should not have to convince your bf how wonderful you are! After 5 years, he should KNOW that!
The financial resources I refer clients to are available because domestic violence took place....thankfully, that is NOT the case with you. So I don't really have any good suggestions except maybe to talk with someone in Financial Aid or a similar department at your school about any other options you may have available to you. Surely other students at your school have ended up in similar situations.
My thoughts and prayers and {{{{{things WILL get better}}}}} vibes are going out to you and Conner. We're here for you!

hissy · Apr 15, 2005

You are strong, capable and resilient. There are options out there. There is work for room and board- I am thinking part-time nanny if you can deal with that with school work. Is there a professor you like that you can talk to? This is not an uncommon problem and if your grades are high, perhaps one of your teachers has resources you can turn to?

sanctie · Apr 15, 2005

Thaks Guys, and Fwan, unfortunately, the car cant go. Me and his mom are co-buyers on it. I have to finish paying it off (2 1/2 yrs, yuck) AND, on top of that, I am on his family's insurance, so I have no clue how that will go. His mom and I both have to be on the insurance policy, so maybe she will just let it stay the way it is until the car is payed off and transferred completely in my name. We are so connected in every aspect of our lives that this is so hard, as if it wouldnt be hard any other way, it's just,, this is so overwhelming. I am talking to him around 3:30, sometime after all of the errands I have to run to attempt to pull things together, I will try my best to visit tonight, and give you guys the update. Pheww, I just, I dont know, this is soo hard. It is way too much to deal with.

gailc · Apr 15, 2005

WOW!!!!!!!!!!
At this time I am only going to deal with your auto loan as I work in auto finance. YOu don't want to mess up your credit. Who is on the loan??
It him-its his responsibility. Of course that my leave you without a car but that help your credit. If both of you-contact the place that has your loan and ask for the loan to be rewritten. If they won't you can ask for a extension. Try for 2 months if possible. But if you can make some payments during this time if they grant the extension that should help get you a bit ahead on the loan.
Do they have some type of counselors on campus that could assist w/ a budget???
Hope this helps a bit!

diane8704 · Apr 15, 2005

Originally Posted by Sanctie

Hey guys, my life has just been full of drama and setbacks lately. The day after my recent scare with Conner, Tony and I talk, and he isnt happy in our relationship. Actually what it all boils down to, is that after 5 yrs of living together and having what I thought was a wonderful relationship, he is attracted to another girl. Wooh, ok, that's out. This is really hard for me. He hasnt cheated or done anything that could be construed as such, but he is very interested in someone else. I never saw it coming. I thought we were perfect together. We have talked and talked and talked ourselves blue in the face. We still love eachother and he wants to make it work, but then again he has all of these what-ifs in his head. He came to the decision that we would make it work, and we would rehabilitate our relationship, and I told him he needed to talk to the other girl, because she is likewise interested in him, and let her know what he plans to do, and close any open doors with her. So, he leaves to talk to her, and comes back even more confused, she has told him that she is very interested and wants to be with him, and feels quite deeply about it. And knowing for sure how she feels now, he regrets his decision to make it work with me, but he says he is sticking by it.

After a complete hysterical, nausious, sobbing, breakdown, and pretty much trying to convince him that 'we' are worth it, I had a moment of clarity and it dawned on me. I am being pitiful and pathetic. I have sobbed uncontrollably and havent eaten or slept in two days,,and although I love him with all of the pieces of my heart, I am not this person. I am strong and smart, and I do not have to result to trying to 'convince' him that I am worth it. When I get home today, I am going to make his decision easier for him. I am going to reiterate that I love him, but I will not play second-party to some crush he has on his co-worker. I am better than that, and I want him all or I want none of him. And until he is ready to do that, IF he is ever ready, or IF I even want anything to do with him further down the road, he can call me when he has realized what he wants in life.

Now, now that I have made this horrible decision that I dont want to enforce (although I know its right), I am really screwed. Over the past 5 yrs I have become so emotionally and financially dependent on him for everything. The emotional side will be a slow healing process, but there are many amazing women that face this very thing every day, so I know I will in time overcome that, but the immediate prob is the financial one. I am currently an unemployed college student, he and I split the car and insurance payments, now I will take those on on my own, (with no income, mind you) and I have no place to go. I have no family to help me through this difficult time, and I can sleep on friend's couches for a while, but that cant last. I have student loans and grants, but they cover school, and the extra covers about half of the monthly car costs (pymnt,ins) Even if I find a decent job, with my hectic school sched, I still cant afford to even SPLIT an apartment with a roommate! That is pitiful I know, when I said broke college student I meant it! So I have absolutely no clue what to do, with no financial assistance, and no support, I am utterly clueless. I cant take out any more loans, Ive looked into that, My credit is shot all to hell, and I cant get any credit based loans, and i already have all of the need based loans I can get. Phew, what to do?

I want to fall to pieces and dont have the luxury of doing so because I dont even know how I am going to survive. I am going to look into govt housing or assistance after school today. I also thought maybe I could live on campus, it would be cheaper than an apt, but then I couldnt have Conner, and anything that doesnt include him isnt an option. I just dont know what to do.

Wow. Thats so much to deal with, that I feel overwhelmed! It seems to me (and granted I dont know your relationship history.) that after 5 years of being with someone, shouldnt marriage be mentioned?? 5 years is a long time to be with someone and not have a permanent comittment. I agree with your decision...you cant play second best. And you cant live your life wondering if every time he comes home late if hes been with her. Its a crazy game that seems to be starting...and he decides that he wants to work it out with you, because your relationship means something...and then talks to the 3rd party, and he decides that he made the wrong choice???Well, thats a contradiction. How can you be worth fighting for if he decides that was wrong?? And how about he sit down and tell you what he needs to make him happy? Somewhere along the line, something quit working for him. I am not sure if you guys went over some problems or not, but you should. All this time you have been thinking everything is fine and then all of a sudden its not. And you have a right to know what this girl has that you dont. And shes really interested in him...she can be interested all she wants, hes with you right now, and until he gets some closure from it, he certainly cant just go off and be with her. And you have no idea what shes telling him, either...he could have had strong resolve and she could have reminded him of everything that was wrong. I dont know. All I can tell you to do is stick by your "I deserve better than this..." And then cross the other bridges when you get there.
Good luck with it...and I hope you know that I am sending you hugs

catherine · Apr 15, 2005

Originally Posted by mrsd

You are in a rough spot. You're right about this part: 'I am strong and smart, and I do not have to result to trying to 'convince' him that I am worth it. When I get home today, I am going to make his decision easier for him. I am going to reiterate that I love him, but I will not play second-party to some crush he has on his co-worker. I am better than that, and I want him all or I want none of him. And until he is ready to do that, IF he is ever ready, or IF I even want anything to do with him further down the road, he can call me when he has realized what he wants in life.'

Is there anyone you can talk to on campus? A financial counselor? How long until you graduate? Is there any way you can scale back your classes to get more time so that you can work?

Maybe he'll change his mind? But even if he does, you're going to be faced with the 'what ifs' and 'what is he doing' everytime he's away from you. It sounds like he wants you both, which won't work!

If he decides to go with the other person, have him pay you 'alimony' for leaving you in a financial/emotional crisis.

You deserve something after five years, right? And maybe he'll feel less guilty for being a traitor.

WOW Mrsd!!!
I was thinking exactly what you said!

I'd also like to add that at my university, students can work on campus for campus room & board. We have apartments that are owned by the college in addition to the dorm rooms. In the apartment, I'm pretty sure that Conner could stay with you.

Another option (and I'm only suggesting this b/c you have said that you have already taken the step and realized that you have to deal with this) is posssiblity to continue living with him as roommates. Make some ground rules, such as you can each date but the date can not come home with either of your or pick either of you up. No touching, or sweet talk, no more talk about your relationship, you each do your own laundry, cooking etc. I know it would be hard, but it's an option if you think you could handle it for a few months until you get on your feet.

I know it will all work out. Remember, don't worry, take action. It takes too much energy to worry.

Also, check into working on campus for a room.

talon · Apr 15, 2005

I am proud of you! You realized that you are worth more then what he obviously thinks right now - which makes HIM the loser! One thing you might consider is putting college on hold for a semester or two - find a job that offers tuition reimbursement and go back when you are more able.

coolcat · Apr 15, 2005

Oh Stevie..

so sad this,

.... I donÂ´t have advice to share with you,

but I know youÂ´re a Strong Woman!

..... IÂ´m thankfully to God for he send you again to Conner..

, Try to Focus what is the best for you and keep the "GodÂ´s path"

With on my best wishes for you....

sweets · Apr 15, 2005

I'm going to go against what almost everyone here is saying. I hope you read this before you talk to Tony.

If you love him, fight for him! It sounds like cold feet to me. Its also called the 7 Year Itch. When everyone suddenly questions their relationship and wonders if the grass really is greener on the other side of the fence! I went thru it 2 years ago! I went away for the weekend with friends and this incredible guy hit on me all weekend. I mean, he was the epitome of "my type". And I came home fighting myself. Luckily, my SO realized something was wrong and started laying on the love. I came to my senses.

Before you move out and move on, do some serious talking. Yes, he has a crush on the other woman. But he has been in love with you for 5 years. Chances are, if he doesn't do anything about this crush, nothing will come of it, and he'll realize it is a crush.

berylayn · Apr 15, 2005

Originally Posted by Sweets

I'm going to go against what almost everyone here is saying. I hope you read this before you talk to Tony.

If you love him, fight for him! It sounds like cold feet to me. Its also called the 7 Year Itch. When everyone suddenly questions their relationship and wonders if the grass really is greener on the other side of the fence! I went thru it 2 years ago! I went away for the weekend with friends and this incredible guy hit on me all weekend. I mean, he was the epitome of "my type". And I came home fighting myself. Luckily, my SO realized something was wrong and started laying on the love. I came to my senses.

Before you move out and move on, do some serious talking. Yes, he has a crush on the other woman. But he has been in love with you for 5 years. Chances are, if he doesn't do anything about this crush, nothing will come of it, and he'll realize it is a crush.

Oh Stevie, I am sorry this has been such a difficult week for you.

I agree with Sweets 100%. I have seen this happen with one friend in particular. Her and her SO split for a few months to explore the "grass on the other side" and they ended up coming to their senses and are now happily married. You deserve the best in the world and if you are in love with this man then it is worth fighting for the two of you.

flisssweetpea · Apr 15, 2005

Stevie - I'm so sorry you're going through this - but what a wonderfully strong, confident person you are. Although any long term relationship is worth fighting for, if he is not sure that he wants to be with you then you shouldn't be playing second fiddle to any one else in this relationship.

I would add my voice to the others who have suggested that you speak to a trusted professor or your campus counsellors. I see students with issues like this frequently and am able to connect them with specialist advisors within the University who can offer them practical and emotional support. In the US counselling and support has been offered much longer than it has here - I am sure there will be someone to help you.

Good luck Stevie - you know you can come to us anytime

consumerkitty · Apr 15, 2005

I understand what you are going through because I went through a similar painful experience. In 2000, my husband of 15 years had his eye on his secretary and decided he was tired of me. We got divorced and I still haven't fully recovered. When we met, it was love at first sight and was very powerful. I thought everything was fine in the marriage until he sprang it on me. I'm sending hugs and good vibes to you and you are in my prayers.

On the financial side of things, in some states you can get alimony even if you weren't legally married. I'm not sure which states though. I'll see if I can find out. He should give you enough money to live on for at least 6 months (rent, car payment, food, insurance, supplies for Conner, etc.)

What does his mother think about this? Does she know? Would she be willing to help you? Do you have any relatives that could help you?

I'm praying that your bf will come to his senses and reach a higher level of maturity, but if he doesn't I'm praying that you will quickly be able to overcome the financial and emotional upset. Keep in mind that you still have love in the form of a beautiful cat named Conner who will always love you.

katspixiedust · Apr 15, 2005

Oh sweetie I'm so sorry you're being put through this. I don't have much to add in the way of advice since everyone else has done a beautiful job on running the gamet in that area, but I would just reiterate the use of campus counselors. I'm positive that you have a counseling center on campus, definitely check them out (and being a psych major, I'm sure you know of some wonderful professors as well). My only real advice to you would be this: breathe, keep a strong clear head on your shoulders, push your way through all of the murkiness, and fight your way to where you want to be. It's so easy to lose yourself and end up sick. A couple of years ago I was broken up with because he was feeling that he wanted to see what else was out there (how typical) and I made myself so unhealthy because of the grief. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, I'd go to the beach early in the morning and stay there for 5 hours at a time, then head to a party or go to a nightclub every night and drink myself sick. Needless to say I ended up underweight and very sick and it took all of that to realize that I needed to stand up for myself and make myself who I wanted to be and not a shattered mess of who I really was. Just be you and you can never go wrong. We are all here for you and I know that Conner is there offering as many headbutts as he can. Be strong sweetie, you will get through it.

sadie · Apr 15, 2005

Hey...I'm sorry to hear about all the stress. I just wanted to say that despite what your BF's thinking now ( and he's not thinking with his head, if you know what I mean) there's a good chance he'll wake up and see it as a passing crush. Everyone gets crushes, esp. in a long relationship. Hell, I've been with my BF for about 3 years and I still have moments where I wonder what if...you know? But then I wake up and see him and know that it's a good thing. Hopefully the same thing will happen with your BF. If not, like you said, you are a smart, strong woman and you don't need to let him decide this for you. You will find a way to pay the bills; you might have to cut back school and make time. I'm a student too; I feel you. Just hang in there...keep us posted. I hope everything works out.

wellingtoncats · Apr 15, 2005

Stevie, I have no advice for you hun but I just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts!

misstorri · Apr 15, 2005

Stevie, As I always say things have to get better b/c they cant get ant worse! Listen Tony knows exactly what you are going to have to deal with if the two of you break up,and you need to remind him of this, if he cares about you he will help you! You arent the one initiating this break up so it should happen on your terms only. I truly feel for you I often wonder what would happen if Eric left me, I rely on him alot financially too,and it scares the heck out of me.Something will work out for you and Conner,what ever you do make sure he is with you as I know you will.We are all sending you good vibes,and you know what that means!

So confused--(hefty stuff)...long(sorry)

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