I do agree with the posts that say that they wouldnt change anything, for those experiences, good and bad, got them where they are now. And I do feel that way. I made lots of mistakes, but I lived through it, and I am happy where I am today.
I think the one thing that I would go back and change was when my brother-in-laws girlfriend committed suicide. (Gosh, this is really hard to write...I have never admitted to anyone the overwhelming sense of guilt I have felt since that day) Her name was Christine, and I had just started dating Jeremy, and Charlie was our good friend, and we hung out with them all of the time. Apparently, christine was on a watch with her high school because she missed so much school having to stay home and watch her younger siblings. I remember the Sunday before she did it, she had called me and said she didnt know what to do, her and charlie were fighting, the kids had eaten all of the food already, and she had no money. I talked to her, and told her it would be okay. It was May 15, 2001, and I think it was a tuesday, jeremy had headed home, and I got online to check my email, and charlie had emailed me and told me that she was gone. I thought she had run away again, so I called him. She had killed herself, by swallowing anti-depressants. Her 8 year old sister found her and then a police officer showed up at the schools request and called the paramedics, but it was too late. Her sister kept telling the police officer that she was cold. I just remember thinking that maybe...just maybe if I had talked to her...had been able to get in touch with her that monday night, that maybe I could have saved her. She was a punk who rarely took any advice, anyways, but maybe I could have warned her mother. Looking back, all the signs were there, I guess I just didnt know how to look for them. I was so angry looking into her casket, that I wanted to shake her and scream at her. It got worse when her 8 year old sister looked up at me and asked me "does she not love us anymore? was she mad at me?" I see that innocent face looking up at me sometimes in my dreams. I told her no, it wasnt her. And then her 3 year old brother wanted to know why christine hadnt woken up yet. It was the hardest thing.
That would be what I would change. Especially after charlie found out she was pregnant, and he knew it was his. We were seniors in high school, and that just shattered the whole experience. She did leave a note for Charlie saying she was sorry and she did love him. He ended up getting his GED because everyone accused him of making christine kill herself. If i had only known that that was such a pivotal moment, if I had known she was reaching out, if her phone hadnt been busy all night, if I had gotten over there. If, if, if, if....all of these if's. But now I know what to look for, and I can see from a mile away. And charlie has moved on, and is with a wonderful woman who makes him happy. Maybe things happen for a reason, I dont know. I just know that that is the one thing I want to go back and do over.