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Was I too harsh? - Page 2

post #31 of 46
Thread Starter 
Oh Jess back atcha and Beth ,
Thank you so much y'all! It means so much to have people who care for me and can offer some excellent advice.
Jess, sounds like we are in the exact same boat!!! You're so right about the one step forward, two steps back thing. Guys aren't for baby steps....they're for INFANT steps! Sounds like Kevin is giving you the same lame excuses that Bradley is giving me...girl, we gotta stand up to that crap! Call a spade a spade and tell these guys that their excuses are getting old! We can definitely help each other through this. Please feel free to PM me anytime you'd like!
Beth, you were not off track at all. You're right that the bill issue opening up a whole 'nother can of relationship worms It is his commitment that is a big issue for me. I am just beyond baffled: if he can stay at my house each and every night, why can't he just move in???
post #32 of 46
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by rosiemac
Amy did you and Bradley live together before he moved back into his parents house?
Hey Susan,
Nope, he was renting a 1BR apt. while he was in school (so obviously he could afford to pay rent when he was a broke butt college student; his parents did not help him with those bills), which was an hour away from where I live. He moved back in with his folks (who live about 2 minutes from my apt.) after he finished school.
post #33 of 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by ugaimes
I am just beyond baffled: if he can stay at my house each and every night, why can't he just move in???
Perhaps because whilst it's like this he can bail any time. He can decide whether he wants to stay at your house one night or his parents. If the going gets tough - he has somewhere else to go. If he moves in with you he has to stick it out!
post #34 of 46
I'm trying to think of everything here?!.

Has he had a bad experience with a previous girlfriend, such as living with her?!.

If not it sounds like what Beths said, along with "Having his cake and eating it!", because at 26 it's not like he's a young teenager if you know what i mean?!.
post #35 of 46
what a terrible situation

You know, i listen to Dr. Joy (radio) on lunches, and she'd probably say you did everything wrong Her advice would probably be to not accuse him directly, but start with a lighthearted joke, something like "do you want me to contribute to your parents as well?" ... but really, i think you should not have mentioned it, because you put him on defenses and of course, feeling vulnerable and as if someone wanted something from him, he said to hell with this and moved out. I really think the best approach now is to call him, apologize and ask to reconcile. BUT, in addition, ask him, that if he decides to commit to you and move back in, he needs to be paying for half of your bills, which he should have been doing in the first place.

In short, it's wrong to accuse him of not paying, if you haven't been asking to pay him in the first place - what's worse is that you brought up his parents into the mix, that's not 'kosher'.

Plus,you never know why he was contributing money, maybe his parents DO need it more than you
post #36 of 46
Thread Starter 
Marina, he wasn't "living" with me in the official sense, which was the cause of it all. He was more like "Dude on couch" who stayed over every night. I can already tell I wouldn't like Dr. Joy....I'm not a big TV/radio Dr. fan (Dr Phil? ) Especially with after talking to other TCSers, I do not regret how I talked to him last night.
Beth, I think you hit the nail on the head: he has a backup plan (his parents) and could bail out if we had a tough night together. He's being a weenie. And yup Susan, he's "having his cake and eating it, too." If I have anything to do with it, he'll be having nothing but sour grapes to eat until he can commit to something more!!!
post #37 of 46
The thing is he can't live with his parents forever?!............can he

Next time he stays over give him what we call over here the "huffy bed"

Better still tell him the cats give you more of a commitment!!
post #38 of 46
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by rosiemac
The thing is he can't live with his parents forever?!............can he

Next time he stays over give him what we call over here the "huffy bed"

Better still tell him the cats give you more of a commitment!!
Hehe, you are too funny! Do explain the "huffy bed" to me! And you're right about the cats giving me more commitment... at least all of their stuff is at my place
Fortunately, he doesn't plan on living at his parents any longer than he has to (or does he? Last night made me start to wonder since he had the perfect out...) because lately he has been saying he really wants to buy a house. Isay, move in with me, we can each pay half of everything, save up, and buy a house together . Guess that idea is too practical
post #39 of 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by ugaimes
Yes, I am so confused! We have talked about living together a few times and he always said he doesn't want to intrude on my life (which is a LAME excuse when I am the one bringing up the topic!), so something else is going on. That's what worries me. If he can spend each and every night at my apt., why can't he quit being a weenie, take the plunge, and move in?
Part of what I see as the problem (IMHO) is that YOU keep bringing up the topic! It tells me he is going to keep talking to you about marraige, but he's going to stay where he is since there is no real commitment to it.

One of my ex-boyfriends used to talk to me about where he wanted to get married, where he wanted us to honeymoon, what time of year he wanted us to get married. But when we were sitting in front of a fireplace one night, I mentioned that on my honeymoon, even if we were in Hawaii, I wanted us to have a fireplace cause I loved them. I meant, who ever my husband was at the time. It was explained that night. But he broke up with me less than a month later cause I was "moving too fast".
post #40 of 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by ugaimes
Hehe, you are too funny! Do explain the "huffy bed" to me! And you're right about the cats giving me more commitment... at least all of their stuff is at my place
Fortunately, he doesn't plan on living at his parents any longer than he has to (or does he? Last night made me start to wonder since he had the perfect out...) because lately he has been saying he really wants to buy a house. Isay, move in with me, we can each pay half of everything, save up, and buy a house together . Guess that idea is too practical
Seems to me that boys have a problem with practical ideas in general. Maybe that's why so many of them get stuck as "boys" and don't turn into "men" until WELL past when they should!
post #41 of 46
Ugh, Amy!!

I'd throttle him.. but really.. I agree with beth and susan-

he's just trying to have someplace to go if you're steamed at him, or if he doesn't want to fess up to his own stuff. I can understand that type 1 diabetes can throw your world sprawling backwards, but for all that- 26 is time to get his arse in gear!

I think trying a backhanded sort of thing would be a good way of handling this.. you know.. not.. "why the hell can't you just live here" but more of.. "It's no trouble to me at all if you live here...."

*hugs* I hope he realizes how good he's got it!
post #42 of 46
Ok, here's a different perspective. Amy, we know what you said, but how did you say it? Is it possible that he wanted you to ask him to move in rather than just telling him it would be ok because it would be more logical financially? Maybe something like - "I would love it if you lived here with me. I'll even give you a dresser drawer." From all of your other posts, it seems that you two have a wonderful relationship, so its hard for me to believe he is not as happy as you are.
post #43 of 46
Amy,

I agree that you were not out of line. When Brendan and I got together 3 years ago he had a lot of growing up to do and we've been through many of the same arguments.

One thing I was wondering is, was Bradley caught off gaurd by your comment about the rent. Its hard for us not knowing exactly what went on. What I mean is, he may not have been expecting a serious conversation about cohabitating, or contributing to rent, and was just caught completely off gaurd. I know that I have been stewing over certain things with Brendan before, and just lash out about them when he isn't expecting it, and from experience I know that there has never been a good outcome from those moments.

What I also do know, is that moments like these, that force us to sit down and have serious conversations about our future is what moves us forward. One other suggestion I have (you can take it or leave it), is why not write a letter to Bradley about how you feel? You said he's really busy this week. By writing him a letter, you get out your feelings now, he can read it when he has time, and then respond accordingly. I have done that with Brendan before simply because Brendan expresses himself much better through writing as he is not the most socially adept person.

Also, when Brendan and I were having commitment issues, I sat down with him and asked what he felt his timeline was. I saw all my friends around me getting engaged and married and was really jealous. I wanted it to be my turn. But I had no idea what Brendan's feelings were. So we sat down and had a long chat. We now have a road map for where we are going. I feel a lot better knowing he has a road map inside his head too and he is not just giving me excuses for not committing for no reason.

*whew* I said a lot. I hope some of it helps. I know how you are feeling girl. Please feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to.
post #44 of 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by ugaimes
Hehe, you are too funny! Do explain the "huffy bed" to me!
Amy the "huffy bed" is when you won't let him share yours if you've both fallen out over something?!.

In other words throw him a pillow and a blanket and point him in the direction of the couch, then say goodnight!!

Can you tell i've done that before?!
post #45 of 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by rosiemac
Amy the "huffy bed" is when you won't let him share yours if you've both fallen out over something?!.

In other words throw him a pillow and a blanket and point him in the direction of the couch, then say goodnight!!

Can you tell i've done that before?!
Can I suggest the "huffy doorway"? Let him find somewhere else to sleep until he comes to his senses.
post #46 of 46
Thread Starter 
LOL, Kelly and Susan! I LOVE the huffy bed AND the huffy doorway!!!
He actually DID get the huffy bed Sunday night when all this came up; he slept on the couch and was no doubt covered in cats all night!
Beryl, I followed your advice about the letter (Katherine said to do the same thing, as did my mom- y'all are some sage women! ). I wrote it last night. I don't know if I'll ever actually GIVE it to him, but it did feel good to get my thoughts down on paper.
Bradley and I spoke for a few minutes here and there yesterday, but he is so busy with work and sea school and this is not the type of conversation that you have in 10 minutes. He keeps going back to the money issue and I am sorry I said anything about it. I used money as a way to bring up what I was REALLY feeling, about the commitment issue. That's not even a big deal; I wouldn't have rented this apt. if I couldn't afford anything. I guess I shouldn't have mentioned money at ALL since it's not the real issue here.
Oh well. I'm just sick to my stomach with this since we won't really get to talk until Sat. night.
I did, though, tell him last night that I am through bringing up living together, through bringing up our future, through with bringing up anything of that sort. I told him the ball is in his corner, he knows where I stand, and he needs to start communicating with me what he wants and what he sees happening between us. If he is incapable of that, then we need to have a more serious chat...
Anywho, thank you EVERYONE for caring and offering such great advice. I love you guys so much!
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