Was I too harsh?

katspixiedust · Apr 4, 2005

I hope that idea works as well for you Amy as it did for me. Sometimes you have to go through rough patches so you can come out stronger on the other side. If he's a smart boy he knows what an amazing, sweet, and beautiful girl you are and wouldn't give that up for the world. I'll have my thoughts with you as the week goes on, and be sending you vibes for a smooth talk over the weekend. I know how much you love him and also know that this could be as simple as a miscommunication. Good luck Amy and let us know how it goes.

ugaimes · Apr 4, 2005

Originally Posted by katspixiedust

I hope that idea works as well for you Amy as it did for me. Sometimes you have to go through rough patches so you can come out stronger on the other side. If he's a smart boy he knows what an amazing, sweet, and beautiful girl you are and wouldn't give that up for the world. I'll have my thoughts with you as the week goes on, and be sending you vibes for a smooth talk over the weekend. I know how much you love him and also know that this could be as simple as a miscommunication. Good luck Amy and let us know how it goes.

Thank you Katherine for those extremely kind words

I will keep my TCS family updated. Gotta go search for another box of Kleenex now...

coolcat · Apr 4, 2005

Originally Posted by ugaimes

Thank you Katherine for those extremely kind words

I will keep my TCS family updated. Gotta go search for another box of Kleenex now...

Amy, So sorry to heard that...

..........the costums ( I mean Costumbres) in MÃ[emoji]169[/emoji]xico are so big differents...

.. Just only can I advise to you TALK about it with him, make a DIALOGUE...

Of course IÂ´m here to heard you when you want

coolcat · Apr 4, 2005

and definitely,.... youÂ´re not was Harsh with him

ugaimes · Apr 4, 2005

Gracias Rigel! Ud. es hombre MUY simpatico y sus palabras son muy...um...don't know the word in Spanish.... comforting

goosehazel · Apr 4, 2005

.
I am so upset and confused right now. Was I wrong for saying something? I just feel like he's taking advantage of me and avoiding the committment of living together (we're going on 2 years of dating).
What do y'all think? I hate being at work today; all I want to do is cry

.[/quote]

Heck no you weren't wrong for saying something! You need to know where you stand, it's only fair to both of you. Ya know, I'd be sitting at work wanting to cry too, but only for a little bit. The more I would sit and think about it, the madder I would get. You have every right to say something to him about this. I've been there too and know how you feel. Just make sure you don't back down and let him walk all over you. Be strong and feel free to pm me if you need to talk.

ugaimes · Apr 4, 2005

Originally Posted by goosehazel

Heck no you weren't wrong for saying something! You need to know where you stand, it's only fair to both of you. Ya know, I'd be sitting at work wanting to cry too, but only for a little bit. The more I would sit and think about it, the madder I would get. You have every right to say something to him about this. I've been there too and know how you feel. Just make sure you don't back down and let him walk all over you. Be strong and feel free to pm me if you need to talk.

Thank you goosehazel

Yeah, I'm at the angry point now. Especially since he ALWAYS calls me at lunch (and this week it is our only time of the day to talk since he's at work all day and sea school all night) and so far, no call

Where does HE get off being POd??
I'm definitely not backing down. I will be no man's doormat (any more!). If you don't mind my asking, how did you handle your situation?

sylorna · Apr 4, 2005

You sound so much like me and my boyfriend.
He's so scared of commitment, you can almost taste it. (and we've been dating for about a year and a half)
If it means anything, I don't think you were out of line. Being with someone who seems to work towards something big (yes, Kevin and I have spoken of marriage) but who can't take the babysteps towards it (no...he's not ready to move in together) is so frusterating. To move in to your place one step at a time and to show you progress only to take it back when asked to step up is just plain teasing!
Excuses are so hard to hear, because you know they're just that, excuses. Kevin's favourite is that he's an only child and isn't used to sharing his life (sounds like the diabetic excuse to me). It's either that or he blames it on me....because I don't have a carreer path yet. Regardless of the excuse, it seems plain to me that both of these guys know what committment we want and are scared of that next move. I wish they'd just admit to it clearly.
I'm sorry for bringing in my own story with this message, I suppose in part I'm trying to say that there are other people out there who are going through the same thing. If you'd like, I'd love to chat and maybe we can help eachother a bit.
By the way, you have every right to be angry that he didn't phone. Sounds like he's hiding a bit (and I would too).
Whatever happens we're here to listen, if you need us.
Jess

flisssweetpea · Apr 4, 2005

Poor Amy.

I may be way off track here but - a couple of things spring to mind. Firstly, it seems that the bills issue has really just sparked off something else that's really bothering you - and that is where this relationship is heading. The second thing that occurs to me is that rather than him intruding on your lifestyle, he may be worrying more about the changes that would happen in his lifestyle if you two lived together.

I hope it all works out well for you. In the meantime - sending lots of hugs your way

rosiemac · Apr 4, 2005

Amy did you and Bradley live together before he moved back into his parents house?

ugaimes · Apr 4, 2005

Oh Jess

back atcha and Beth

,
Thank you so much y'all! It means so much to have people who care for me and can offer some excellent advice.
Jess, sounds like we are in the exact same boat!!!

You're so right about the one step forward, two steps back thing. Guys aren't for baby steps....they're for INFANT steps!

Sounds like Kevin is giving you the same lame excuses that Bradley is giving me...girl, we gotta stand up to that crap! Call a spade a spade and tell these guys that their excuses are getting old!

We can definitely help each other through this. Please feel free to PM me anytime you'd like!
Beth, you were not off track at all. You're right that the bill issue opening up a whole 'nother can of relationship worms

It is his commitment that is a big issue for me. I am just beyond baffled: if he can stay at my house each and every night, why can't he just move in???

ugaimes · Apr 4, 2005

Originally Posted by rosiemac

Amy did you and Bradley live together before he moved back into his parents house?

Hey Susan,
Nope, he was renting a 1BR apt. while he was in school (so obviously he could afford to pay rent when he was a broke butt college student; his parents did not help him with those bills), which was an hour away from where I live. He moved back in with his folks (who live about 2 minutes from my apt.) after he finished school.

flisssweetpea · Apr 4, 2005

Originally Posted by ugaimes

I am just beyond baffled: if he can stay at my house each and every night, why can't he just move in???

Perhaps because whilst it's like this he can bail any time. He can decide whether he wants to stay at your house one night or his parents. If the going gets tough - he has somewhere else to go. If he moves in with you he has to stick it out!

rosiemac · Apr 4, 2005

I'm trying to think of everything here?!.

Has he had a bad experience with a previous girlfriend, such as living with her?!.

If not it sounds like what Beths said, along with "Having his cake and eating it!", because at 26 it's not like he's a young teenager if you know what i mean?!.

rarepuss · Apr 4, 2005

what a terrible situation

You know, i listen to Dr. Joy (radio) on lunches, and she'd probably say you did everything wrong

Her advice would probably be to not accuse him directly, but start with a lighthearted joke, something like "do you want me to contribute to your parents as well?" ... but really, i think you should not have mentioned it, because you put him on defenses and of course, feeling vulnerable and as if someone wanted something from him, he said to hell with this and moved out. I really think the best approach now is to call him, apologize and ask to reconcile. BUT, in addition, ask him, that if he decides to commit to you and move back in, he needs to be paying for half of your bills, which he should have been doing in the first place.

In short, it's wrong to accuse him of not paying, if you haven't been asking to pay him in the first place - what's worse is that you brought up his parents into the mix, that's not 'kosher'.

Plus,you never know why he was contributing money, maybe his parents DO need it more than you

ugaimes · Apr 4, 2005

Marina, he wasn't "living" with me in the official sense, which was the cause of it all. He was more like "Dude on couch" who stayed over every night. I can already tell I wouldn't like Dr. Joy....I'm not a big TV/radio Dr. fan (Dr Phil?

) Especially with after talking to other TCSers, I do not regret how I talked to him last night.
Beth, I think you hit the nail on the head: he has a backup plan (his parents) and could bail out if we had a tough night together. He's being a weenie. And yup Susan, he's "having his cake and eating it, too." If I have anything to do with it, he'll be having nothing but sour grapes to eat until he can commit to something more!!!

rosiemac · Apr 4, 2005

The thing is he can't live with his parents forever?!............can he

Next time he stays over give him what we call over here the "huffy bed"

Better still tell him the cats give you more of a commitment!!

ugaimes · Apr 4, 2005

Originally Posted by rosiemac

The thing is he can't live with his parents forever?!............can he

Next time he stays over give him what we call over here the "huffy bed"

Better still tell him the cats give you more of a commitment!!

Hehe, you are too funny! Do explain the "huffy bed" to me! And you're right about the cats giving me more commitment... at least all of their stuff is at my place

Fortunately, he doesn't plan on living at his parents any longer than he has to (or does he? Last night made me start to wonder since he had the perfect out...) because lately he has been saying he really wants to buy a house. Isay, move in with me, we can each pay half of everything, save up, and buy a house together . Guess that idea is too practical

sweets · Apr 4, 2005

Originally Posted by ugaimes

Yes, I am so confused! We have talked about living together a few times and he always said he doesn't want to intrude on my life (which is a LAME excuse when I am the one bringing up the topic!), so something else is going on. That's what worries me. If he can spend each and every night at my apt., why can't he quit being a weenie, take the plunge, and move in?

Part of what I see as the problem (IMHO) is that YOU keep bringing up the topic! It tells me he is going to keep talking to you about marraige, but he's going to stay where he is since there is no real commitment to it.

One of my ex-boyfriends used to talk to me about where he wanted to get married, where he wanted us to honeymoon, what time of year he wanted us to get married. But when we were sitting in front of a fireplace one night, I mentioned that on my honeymoon, even if we were in Hawaii, I wanted us to have a fireplace cause I loved them. I meant, who ever my husband was at the time. It was explained that night. But he broke up with me less than a month later cause I was "moving too fast".

katspixiedust · Apr 4, 2005

Originally Posted by ugaimes

Hehe, you are too funny! Do explain the "huffy bed" to me! And you're right about the cats giving me more commitment... at least all of their stuff is at my place

Fortunately, he doesn't plan on living at his parents any longer than he has to (or does he? Last night made me start to wonder since he had the perfect out...) because lately he has been saying he really wants to buy a house. Isay, move in with me, we can each pay half of everything, save up, and buy a house together . Guess that idea is too practical

Seems to me that boys have a problem with practical ideas in general.

Maybe that's why so many of them get stuck as "boys" and don't turn into "men" until WELL past when they should!

Was I too harsh?

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