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need some advice please

post #1 of 8
Thread Starter 
Ok... I am at a loss as to what to do with my life...

I have been with Mike for almost 4 years now and things are so much different than when we first were together. I don't feel for him as I used to. We have gotten in many fights where we say we are going to break up but it has yet to happen. I always feel bad and stay. Now, what is even worse......
I like one of his friends.

I feel even horrible writing this but I don't know what to do. For some reason, I just cannot stop thinking about him. I've been wanting to break it off with Mike but I don't know how.. and what about his friend? Should I tell either of them?

I have just felt so empty the past couple of months. I don't want to hurt Mike but I feel I am just hurting both of us by staying together.

Anyone have any ideas????
post #2 of 8
First of all, resolve or dissolve your relationship with Mike. Let him know you no longer care for him like you used to. Would either of you try to work out your differences? Perhaps he is ready to move on from you too? Once those decisions are settled, then you can think about Mike's friend.

Maybe Mike's friend will stay loyal to Mike? Who knows? But you have to settle your relationship with Mike before you can think of starting another one. It's only fair in my opinion. Good luck!
post #3 of 8
Thread Starter 
You're right... it's just that it's so hard. I don't think I love him anymore.. but I just don't want to hurt him. But it's really not fair to either of us to keep the relationship going. I mean, I've known it's been going to happen for a while now but I just can't seem to break away from him. I think we'd both be better off in the long run if we broke up.

I just wish it wasn't so tough.

Thanks for your help. I appreciate it.
post #4 of 8
MrsD gave you some great advice... You need to work on you on Mike first and foremost and then decide where that it going, if anywhere.

Let's say you and Mike do break up. Are you ready to jump straight into another relationship? After 4 years, you will need time to yourself. It won't be something you can just get over.

Especially with one of Mike's friends?
As an outsider in this I can see so many many many things that could end in disaster there.
I was in a similar situation though it was a friend who fell hard for Brandon. I noticed her acting strangley around me and asked her about it. Everything came out, and while we tried to remain friends it didn't work out. We do not speak anymore. Would you want that for Mike? I'm not trying to say you feeling for his friend is wrong, but it is something you have to be VERY careful with.

I hope you can work this out. Good luck~
post #5 of 8
I knew my last boyfriend wasn't for me after 3 months, yet I stuck it out because I didn't want to hurt him (when in actuality, it was hurting both of us more by staying together), so I finally broke it off after 7 months.

My only regret is that I didn't break it off sooner, because I knew I didn't have the same feelings he had for me. However, that being said, I wasn't ready to get into the dating pool immediately after we split up. In fact, it's been 6 months, and I'm still not ready for a relationship.

You may find that, after you break up with your boyfriend (please, it will be easier for BOTH of you if it's a clean break and done soon), you may need some time to heal before pursuing a new relationship.

In addition, your boyfriend's friend, even if he's really into you, may be worried about hurting his friend, so you may need to put these feelings on hold for a while...

At any rate, worry about this relationship and don't jump in to another one on the rebound. It's best to sort out all your feelings about your current boyfriend first. Good luck.
post #6 of 8
IMO rebound reoationships often don't last, so it would be better to wait a while before jumping into anything. But everyone else is right - I would take a deep breath, set a time to talk to MIke calmly - otherwise it all may come out at a bad moment - and get this one out of your life in as rational a manner as you can. You have obviously got to a time when it is 'when' not 'if', so do it at a time and place of your own choosing. And SOON.
post #7 of 8
I agree, you have been given some great advice here.

I have been on the other side of a situation like this. All I can say is that you should be honest. (my long term boyfriend and his best mate's girlfriend dumped, me and bestmate, both on the same night so that they could get together in secret) Explain honestly and frankly the way you are feeling and encourage Mike to do the same. Don't make promises you can't keep (like you will never go out with one of your mates and such like - I had this! *sigh*)

You may also be looking to his mate because he has similar traits to Mike. They are friends and will have similar mannerisms etc, but will still be different, exciting and new compared to Mike! It is often a bit of a comfort blanket to fall into (again, been there)

Please take care and make sure you are truthful, yet sensitive!
post #8 of 8
OH sweetie that's so sad and I really feel for you. There have been some really good points on this thread - the thing you have to remember now is that if you really don't think that you can work things out, then it's best not to stay. My mum stayed with my father for a long time in the hope that they could work things out - she tried everything and had no input form dad. But she stayed for the sake of me and my brother - in the end it just made her ill. She didn't eat and she didn't sleep and one day she went from a really happy, healthy woman, to a bag of bones who didn't even have the energy to pretend that she could smile. It's heartbreaking to watch someone you love suffer like that - I'd hate to see you suffer like that too. Don't stay in a situation you don't feel can be resolved. If you think it can, BOTH of you have to give it everything. You have to let your feelings known - and if things are going to work, and if he truly values you as highly, Mike will make just as much effort. PLease don't rush off into a relationship with his friend though - you might like him now, but rebound relationships don't work very often at all, plus it'll have the added complication of probably destroying his relationship with Mike - If you do split up, Mike will need his friends as much as you'll need yours. Friends and family are the support network for a relationship, if a relationship doesn't work, friends and family are the constant you can go back to for help. I know there are a lot of selfish reasons to split up with someone - and they're the most common reasons - but there are two people in a break-up just as there are two people in a make-up. There will come a point though where things either improve, or get so bad that you will have to get out for self-preservation. Either way, I hope you can find happiness again
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