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Feeling troubled... Help, Please? (long)

post #1 of 12
Thread Starter 
I will appologize now if this is long.. I hope I can explain things without confusing you all.

I've been separated from my ex for 7 months now and am very happy with my new life. He & I get along better apart, and still hang out sometimes. For instance, today, I took my laundry over there today because he doesnt have to pay for it where he lives. So, after I left there, I was on my way home and was passing his Father's TaeKwonDo school where his father & brother teach. So, I thought that because his brother's birthday is on Thursday, I would stop by & wish him a Happy Birthday, and hopefully bury the hatchet between his father & I. Side Note: His father has hated me from day one, and I always knew this.
So, I stop in there and of course they were suprised to see me. The father and I actually ended up in a LONG conversation about how he felt about me. Basically, I was told how much they hated me from day one, and why.. that they felt that I was snooty, spoiled, controlling and all of these things that I am actually SOOO not!!! I was shocked, to say the least, but listened. It appears that everytime my ex & I got into it, he ran to his father who already hated me. I mean, this man knew EVERYTHING, but not everything as they actually happened, but in a twisted over-exaggerated way. SO, I felt this was my time to actually clarify some things and defend myself (something that I have been DYING to do for almost 7 years, because I feel (especially now) that they never gave me a chance and really missed out on the real me (which of course, I feel is totally their loss). SO.... at one point, his dad asked me what I was doing in that area, and I replied that I had been over to Al's doing my laundry. And his reaction was that Al & I need to stay out of each others lives, and let each other move on. That as long as we continue to involve ourselves in each others lives that we are never going to be fully happy, and are going to waste our lives. I should also note that he says this very same thing about AL and his previous wife too, whom he also hated. He also said that he is worried about Al, because Al is still tetering between me and his previous ex, but wants to have his new life and possibly end up with someone new.... but is trying to please everyone. And that sooner or later, he is going to just lose it because he cant take the pressure of trying to please both me, the previous ex, deal with finances, work, and have a new relationship.
I DO understand a father's concern for his son, but I'm not sure how I feel about all of this. While I am happy that his dad & I finally cleared the air (or at least said how we felt), I still care alot about Al. I do not want to re-kindle things, or anything like that. In fact, I have never been happier without him. But, I dont want him completely out of my life. I like it when him & I get along. He makes a much better friend than a husband. But should I heed what his dad said and leave him alone? What do I do?
post #2 of 12
Darlin', I'm by no means the smartest person when it comes to relationships, but IMHO, this is a relationship between you and your ex, not you, your ex and his dad, you know what I mean? Dad may want what "he" thinks is best for his son, but it's not really any of his business how the two of you work things out. {{{{HUGS}}}} for you, and hope things keep looking up for you!
post #3 of 12
Al's father sounds like a very jealous man trying to live vicariously through his son. Nobody will ever be good enough for his boy,not you ,not his ex, not even someone new.Are him and Al's mom still together? Anyway ,friendship is so important even if it is with an ex, so don't let ANYONE influece you into making decisions that are completley personal,even us! I hope everything works out for the best, you sound very genuine, too bad some people aren't.
post #4 of 12

to KittenKrazy's response
post #5 of 12
I am best friends with my ex-husband and I wouldn't trade that friendship for the world. This is how I made the decision to stay close to my ex-husband... I decided that although our marriage didn't work out, you never leave family. And that was what he had become to me over the years. People in our new lives and some family members objected and they are entitled to have opinions and I allowed them each to voive them ONCE! In the end, Al is a grown man and his Dad is probably a lot of what went wrong with you two. I am assuming that you are the one who left the relationship...is that true? Don't give up your friendship if it is one you truly treasure. Hope I made sense here!
post #6 of 12
Have to agree with everyone else. Whether you maintain a friendship with your ex is between the two of you. His father obviously is entitled (no, is even EXPECTED!) to have an opinion on the subject, but it is Al's opinion and yours that should ultimately matter because you are the only two people directly impacted by your friendship. The only exception to this would be if either Al or you were to become seriously involved with someone. The feelings and needs of that someone, either on Al's side or yours, should be given precedence over the feelings and needs of your ex. So, chat with Al. If he wants to maintain a friendship with you, then keep it going and don't worry about his dad.
post #7 of 12
Thread Starter 
I think it's going to completely freak him out that his dad & I talked like this. So, I dont know. I dont know if I should tell him about the talk that his dad & I had, or let his dad tell him. I dunno. I want to do what is best for Al, and me.
post #8 of 12
Seems to me that you can't make a good decision if you don't have all the information, and that you need to talk to Al to get it. Why would it freak Al out that you talked to his dad? Are you worried that he'll feel like it was a betrayal? If so, as you seem to have pointed out, his dad is likely to talk to him even if you don't. You're in a better position if you bring it up yourself than if you wait for the info to get to him from someone else. You could bring it up casually and start out with "I'm so glad Al, I talked to your dad and we got to clear the air between us a bit. He said he was concerned about us staying friends and I wanted to talk to you about that. How are you doing and how do you feel about it?" However you work it out, good luck to you. Positive thoughts headed your way!
post #9 of 12
You know...Al is still a huge part of your life. And it sounds to me like his father is the one putting a lot of pressure on him. Not you. And it also sounds like his father likes to be in control of things, and you were a threat to that control.
I think its great that the 2 of you are friends, and I dont think you are standing in the way of him moving on, and he isnt standing in the way of you moving on. This isnt about You, Al, Als father, and Al's fathers opinion. Its you and Al. You should tell Al that you and his father talked, and you should ask him if he wants to be left alone by you, or if hes ok with the new friendship.
And you are right, they missed out on what a great person you are. And I can tell that by the fact that you were willing to stop contact with Al that you care about him quite a bit.
It sounds to me also, that no one will ever measure up to Als fathers standards.
Talk to Al and the two of you work it out. Its your friendship, and your life.
Good luck to you...I am sending good vibes your way!!!
post #10 of 12
I agree with everything said so far. And I do think you should bring it up with Al in the interests of your new found friendship - don't start that with deceits and lies, even of omission. That does not mean you should accuse him of going behind YOUR back to his father, just that you have cleared the air and can now put that side of things behind you both as you build a new relationship based on respect and friendship. I think you are doing the right thing - it is good to keep exes as friends - I did with my first husband, not my second (his wish, not mine). After all, as you say, you were family, and you had good as well as bad times together. But you must also respect the wishes of any new family either of you acquire too. Good luck.
post #11 of 12
Geez, some parents are way too overprotective and buttheaded when it comes to their ADULT KIDS lives. This father guy sounds like it with his son.

Do not listen to what he said about you, first off. You're a good person and YOU know that, so that's what counts. HE doesn't know you (the father). And as far as forming a friendship with an ex? It happens all the time, forgives & forgets, and can actually be way better as friendship than relationship, as yours is. Daddy-O prolly just doesn't understand this and thinks "you are divorced therefore you should hate each other". Lots of guys feel this way, unfortunately --- especially an overprotective parent!!!

WE think you're great, YOU think you're great, so don't listen to this fella. If you can have a friendship with your ex, then that shows that YOU are a great person! There's a lot of moms & dads out there who will never, ever let their sons & daughters have adult relationships because "no one will ever be good enough for my son" or some such nonsense. Happens a lot in this world.

Good luck, and remember, we like ya.
post #12 of 12
Originally Posted by KittenKrazy
Darlin', I'm by no means the smartest person when it comes to relationships, but IMHO, this is a relationship between you and your ex, not you, your ex and his dad, you know what I mean? Dad may want what "he" thinks is best for his son, but it's not really any of his business how the two of you work things out. {{{{HUGS}}}} for you, and hope things keep looking up for you!

Couldn't have said that better myself!!!!!

Is there an acronym for that, by the way?
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