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adult Children moving back home

post #1 of 26
Thread Starter 
I was just wondering if anyone has an opinion on this. In most other cultures, like in Europe and India multi generations live together. But here is taboo and I wonder why.


I moved backin with my Mom in my twenties (my parents were divorced) and it gave me a chance to finish college and regroup. But the other night I was out with some of my parents friends (my parents are no longer with us) and they were very critical of it. I was taken aback.

I can see if the people don't work and just sponge but if you are productive I don't see the harm on individual case by case situations.
post #2 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marge
But the other night I was out with some of my parents friends (my parents are no longer with us) and they were very critical of it. I was taken aback.

I can see if the people don't work and just sponge but if you are productive I don't see the harm on individual case by case situations.
I wonder if they've thought about the possibility of their one day having to move in with their kids due to ill health and/or financial problems?

A friend's 25-year-old son moved back in with her two years ago after losing his job (banking isn't a good field to be in here right now) and splitting up with his live-in girlfriend. She wasn't thrilled about it, because he had always fought with his younger sister, who is still at home and in nursing school, and also because she had turned his bedroom into a study/sewing room. She didn't turn him away, though.

I don't believe there are too many multi-generational households left in Europe, with the exception of Italy, where many parents complain that their kids, sons in particular, take advantage of "Hotel Mama" for far too long. Part of the objection is that the kids make little effort to marry and provide grandchildren, because most of their needs are met by good old mom.
post #3 of 26
It's not taboo so much any more. I know many people who have graduated from college and live at home. My brother is living at home working full time at wal-mart, looking for something that has something to do with weather or teaching. My cousin lived at home for 5 years before getting a job in his major and moving out. It's nothing new, my parents are more then happy to have us home again, as long as we work and keep our room clean. I, however, have been living in my own appartment for 3 years and really don't want to give up my freedom.
post #4 of 26
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by jcat
I wonder if they've thought about the possibility of their one day having to move in with their kids due to ill health and/or financial problems?

A friend's 25-year-old son moved back in with her two years ago after losing his job (banking isn't a good field to be in here right now) and splitting up with his live-in girlfriend. She wasn't thrilled about it, because he had always fought with his younger sister, who is still at home and in nursing school, and also because she had turned his bedroom into a study/sewing room. She didn't turn him away, though.

I don't believe there are too many multi-generational households left in Europe, with the exception of Italy, where many parents complain that their kids, sons in particular, take advantage of "Hotel Mama" for far too long. Part of the objection is that the kids make little effort to marry and provide grandchildren, because most of their needs are met by good old mom.
THey did a piece on 60minutes about the Hotel Mama thing in Italy! It was funny, I don't doubt those guys aren't motivated to leave!

I do wonder what these people would do if they need to move in with their kids. They are very macho about life thus the attitude I got about living at home again. It could happen too, in fact the woman is already losing it a little, and would have a hard time on her own.
post #5 of 26
My mom lived with her parent's until she married at age 30. It's pretty much the same deal for me. Of course, I highly doubt I'll ever be getting married, and the plan is for mom, me, and my aunt to be roomies when they retire.

It's just my mom and me, and neither of us want to live by ourselves. It's too expensive, for one thing! Also, neither of us would feel safe living by ourselves. At least this way we can split the housework and the bills, in theory at least.

But we do have a nice roommate relationship. I listen to her and respect her rules, but when she's being a jerk about something, I call her on it, and she does the same with me. It's been working for about two years, we haven't had one knock-out drag-out fight since she called off her engagement. (A long story in itself.) I think she realized there was more to life than trying to get her own way all the time.
post #6 of 26
Here it is normal for kids to live with their parents until they marry, and then often to move a wife in too. Brothers and sisters often share a room right through their teens - there is so little space. And elderly parents expect to live with a child and his/her family. One side of me I have a family with son and daughter in their twenties at home, and on the other a widower living with his son, DIL and their baby. Money and culture make it necessary.
post #7 of 26
I moved back in with my parents after my divorce, at a young age of 24. It was a life saver. I only stayed 6 months because I didn't want to burden my mom, but still, I'm thankful they took me in.

I won't do it again. As a turn of the tables, my parents will most likely one day end up with me. I welcome it actually, to repay all the kindness they did for me when I was a kid and wild teen and then, divorced young 20-something.



I know a lot of people my age (30+) who live with their parents or parent. There are some people out there who take advantage of it (mom is widowed or divorced and son moves in with her to raise his daughter for him, since he's lazy, etc.) and then there are some who really need it (mom is handicapped, son or daughter moves "back home" to help mom out).

I guess it's a per-situation kind of thing. I'll always leave the door open for my daughter, my ONLY daughter, but I will have stipulations and of course, major rules.
post #8 of 26
I agree that it's a situation unique to each person. I personally could never go back to live with my parents... but I know others that can. And I definitely would not judge someone for living with the parents... it's a smart move to save a bit of money as well as spend more time with your family!
post #9 of 26
well my dad is italian and he didnt want me to move out and i guess they want me back home.
But i dont want to get back into their cr** like before. I feel much better being free.
post #10 of 26
I'm about to BE one of those kids moving home in a mere two months. I had to really think about it though, because I was afraid of looking like a failure. Never mind that my mom is critically ill and widowed, I thought people would look at me, a 30-yr-old divorced college student and say, "Oh, I guess she just couldn't make it on her own. . ."

Then I snapped out of it!! How selfish and short-sighted is that??? I am an independent woman who has chosen to be closer to her family at a time when they (well, she) need her most, and I intend to carry on with my own life by transferring schools and developing my own network of friends in my new location. I know there will be challenges, because my mom and i had a difficult relationship during my teenage years, but I'm older and wiser now and I know we can work through it!

I agree that there are some freeloading kids out there, but that's a problem of the PARENTS' making. There's a BIG difference between a parent offering a helping hand in time of need, and a parent who just can't let go enough to push the chicks out of the nest.
post #11 of 26
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by RicaLynn
I'm about to BE one of those kids moving home in a mere two months. I had to really think about it though, because I was afraid of looking like a failure. Never mind that my mom is critically ill and widowed, I thought people would look at me, a 30-yr-old divorced college student and say, "Oh, I guess she just couldn't make it on her own. . ."

Then I snapped out of it!! How selfish and short-sighted is that??? I am an independent woman who has chosen to be closer to her family at a time when they (well, she) need her most, and I intend to carry on with my own life by transferring schools and developing my own network of friends in my new location. I know there will be challenges, because my mom and i had a difficult relationship during my teenage years, but I'm older and wiser now and I know we can work through it!

I agree that there are some freeloading kids out there, but that's a problem of the PARENTS' making. There's a BIG difference between a parent offering a helping hand in time of need, and a parent who just can't let go enough to push the chicks out of the nest.
In the end we all have to do what we think is right, not what others want of us. I was just surprised that these people were so critical but they are also people who had 6 kids by the time they were 32 so they may be a tad jealous of others having chances like that. Dunno.

Do what you think is right and go for it.My mom and I mended alot of fences when I moved back.
post #12 of 26
You know, I got similar reactions from people who found out that my parents gave me substantial financial help through college. I found it surprising. They essentially said that at 18 you should be able to totally fund yourself and it was irresponsible/freeloading/pick-your-derogative-adjective to have them fund me. My response usually was that I WAS able to fully fund myself, but that it would require loans, working near full-time in addition to being a full-time student. I was grateful that my parents could provide me with an opportunity to attend college and actually be able to fully focus on my studies, instead of feeling stretched thin (as many people without this blessing were) and graduating with a debt load. I was able to take internships that didn't pay much but got me great experience, rather than having to take the highest paying job I could find regardless of whether it would serve my career goals. And my parents were happy they were able to do what their parents hadn't been able to help them with. I will repay them one day when they become old and the tables are turned. At least, that's how I look at it.
post #13 of 26
I knew a lot of kids in high school who were kicked out of the house when they turned 18. My mother even works with a lot of parent's who are planning to do the same thing.

How is an 18 year old expected to go to college on their own, let alone get enough money to survive even if they don't go to college?
post #14 of 26
Our daughter is almost 25 and she moved in with a friend for a couple of months to try being independent. It didn't work out so well and she moved back home. She works full-time and contributes to the household and is a joy to have around. She, her dad and I have a lot of fun together and until she ever decides to get married, we have no problem with her being here.

When my dad died, my husband asked my mom if she wanted to come live with us and she did for 18 years. Before she passed 2 years ago, she said they were the best years of her life. She was never a burden and made it wonderful to come home from work all those years to a nice dinner and every couple of days a batch of bread fresh from the oven. Sometimes I'd call her from work in the afternoon and say I'd like a chocolate pie and for dinner that night I had my chocolate pie. My laundry was done every week (she left the ironing for me since I enjoy ironing and she didn't) and all the little jobs of dusting and cleaning up the bathrooms, etc. I did the heavier cleaning on the weekends. I could easily live with my MIL as well - she's awesome.

I think it's a small payback for all the years she went without so much to give to me and my brothers. I'm just so glad we were able to make her last years easy and that she was happy.
post #15 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yosemite
Our daughter is almost 25 and she moved in with a friend for a couple of months to try being independent. It didn't work out so well and she moved back home. She works full-time and contributes to the household and is a joy to have around. She, her dad and I have a lot of fun together and until she ever decides to get married, we have no problem with her being here.

When my dad died, my husband asked my mom if she wanted to come live with us and she did for 18 years. Before she passed 2 years ago, she said they were the best years of her life. She was never a burden and made it wonderful to come home from work all those years to a nice dinner and every couple of days a batch of bread fresh from the oven. Sometimes I'd call her from work in the afternoon and say I'd like a chocolate pie and for dinner that night I had my chocolate pie. My laundry was done every week (she left the ironing for me since I enjoy ironing and she didn't) and all the little jobs of dusting and cleaning up the bathrooms, etc. I did the heavier cleaning on the weekends. I could easily live with my MIL as well - she's awesome.

I think it's a small payback for all the years she went without so much to give to me and my brothers. I'm just so glad we were able to make her last years easy and that she was happy.
What a wonderful story...and refreshing to hear!
post #16 of 26
I moved back in with my parents after my husband left me and again when my fiance cheated on me. Sure, I enjoy living on my own, but when money is short -- living with family is a good way of getting back on your feet.
post #17 of 26
I lived at home until I was 26. At some level I had a sense that it was "time I was on my own", but I never could figure out how to do it, because I got along with my parents so well that we didn't NEED not to be in the same house. I contributed to the household expenses and we just had a good time together.

I only made the move when the guy I was working for got stir crazy, looked for another job and it happened to be at the other end of the country. Once I got over "I can't leave my family and friends " and realized that this was the rationalization for moving out on my own (you don't commute 3,000 miles!), I accepted his invitation, and the rest is history.

Well, sort of. Almost 20 years later, Mum has passed on, Dad is on his own, still quite independent, but no longer comfortable dealing with Montreal winters, he explores the possibility of moving west. By this time he's almost 80. That still boggles my mind. He made the move. He had a studio suite at ground level in our duplex, which functioned much like an inlaw suite. His independence pretty much preserved, except that major meals he took with us upstairs -- and during the day, while we were at work, he'd be concocting breads and sweets -- see, he was for most of my life the cook in the family, but it was always the baked goods that he had the most fun with. Made us a good team, because it's the savouries that I have the most fun with.

We had a few good years until his mobility began deteriotating, he had to give up the cooking, couldn't do the stairs anymore, etc etc...(we don't need to go into detail), and it all reached a point where he really needed extended care. He's about to be 93, marbles still rolling, thankyou! -- he just needs more help than we can give now.

Adult children and parents living together? Sure it can be a nightmare. But it can also be a splendid experience, if the players are not trying to take each other for a ride.
post #18 of 26
this is definitely more and more acceptible these days. In fact, i see a lot of people at work, all who are working professionals (college educated) still living with parents up to about 30 years old.

It allows to save money, and i think makes the families stronger
post #19 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marge
I was just wondering if anyone has an opinion on this. In most other cultures, like in Europe and India multi generations live together. But here is taboo and I wonder why.


I moved backin with my Mom in my twenties (my parents were divorced) and it gave me a chance to finish college and regroup. But the other night I was out with some of my parents friends (my parents are no longer with us) and they were very critical of it. I was taken aback.

I can see if the people don't work and just sponge but if you are productive I don't see the harm on individual case by case situations.
As long as the adult children help out around the house, whether it be financially or chores or whatever, then I think it is perfectly fine and acceptable. Otherwise, it is bad.
post #20 of 26
One key difference in the US is that at around 18 the person would most probably go to college and it is highly unlikely that they will happen to go to the college that is just next door, even if there is such a college. But in other places, perhaps because of the size of the country, going off to college may not really be that far from home.

Furthermore, it should be noted that there are a number of more well to do people who create a trust fund for their children. (One need not be super rich and such a structure could be very tax advantageous, especially with estate tax or inheritance tax in certain states)

I also know of people who purchase a house or rather an apartment for their children when they go to college, especially for those colleges located in a city. I know people who does that in US, in Canada and London.
post #21 of 26
Honestly I find American culture weird in the aspect. I was born and raised here in Missouri and it was never even a thought that I would move out at 18. My family is incredbily close though and I notice that other families aroudn here do not seem to be as close as ours is.

I didn't move out until I was almost 27 and even then my Dad didn't want me to go, Mom was more supportive of my move but even now I see them at least once a week. That being said once I had a full time job I did help out around the house with the bills and such.
post #22 of 26
did I mention I would have to share a rom with my sister again?? My sister and I have shared a room since as long as I can remember. My mom combined our old twin beds to one king size bed while we're away at school. So during breaks we share a bed too!!
post #23 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by bumpy
I also know of people who purchase a house or rather an apartment for their children when they go to college, especially for those colleges located in a city. I know people who does that in US, in Canada and London.
My friend's parents bought a trailor for him and his sister to liv in while in college. Next year their brother is coming up too. I know other people who have done somethng like that. It's cheaper then renting and people would kill to get out of the dorms.
post #24 of 26
I moved away from home at age 18, got married at 23 then divorced at 26. My father had just passed away and mom wanted me to move back home. Her excuse was that I could go back and finish college but I think she was lonely and wanted company.

I thought long and hard about it then had a frank talk with mom about it. Neither one of us wanted to adjust our lifestyles for each other. Mom was very old fashioned and I was newly divorced and out having a good time most the time. She would have ended up worrying about me most of the time and I would have felt guilty about it.

I think if both parties can give in to each other's lifestyle, there shouldn't be a problem. I couldn't do it because mom would be too much of a "mom" to me and at that time we both needed a "friend".
post #25 of 26
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mom of Franz
What a wonderful story...and refreshing to hear!
Yes that was so nice to hear. I hope my Mom liked me being there, I know I liked the time with her. We traded off cooking etc, it was quite nice.
post #26 of 26
That phrase has always bugged me. "Make it on my own". NO one truly makes it on his/her own. He or she usually has at least ONE friend or relative to lend emotional, spiritual, or financial help if needed. Many people looked down on me for living at home (mostly) until I was 37. I said to them:

I was a single woman with NO friends who could be supportive, or relatives who could help. I wasn't about to live in some roach infested dive to prove my "independence". I have tried five or six times since I turned 18 to make a "living" wage(above $20K a year). I have been unable to do so and still am struggling. My latest setback happened because my Student Teaching placement fell through. I would have graduated in May and gotten certified to teach in June. Because the University asked me to withdraw from my placement and do it again in a future semester, I am set back ONE year's salary and I lost $3K from this semester and have to pay another $3K for another Student Teaching semester which comes out of MY savings, not a loan.

People who move out and look down on women who live at home into their 30's have no call to judge. They might have a boyfriend, a boy friend, relative, or co-worker to at least CALL in an emergency. I would have had none of those options so I stayed home until I got married.
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