can i get a man's point of view? girls feel free to chip in too

lottomagicz4941 · Mar 21, 2005

One more thing I don't think I ever said not to generalize men?

Did I ever actually say that? Actually I did the opposite. I generalized men in our society being harmed by being taught not to show our feelings!!!!!

Have you people read what I posted or just jumped to conclusions?

My wife accuses me of being manipulative and I may be manipulative at times. But generally that is not the case when I get accused of it.

Perhpas he is realizing that the grass is not greener on the other side?

Perhaps he is a jerk and she should leave him? She asked for a man's opinion so don't critize me for giving her what she asked!!!!

How about that for some advice. I had an aunt who would always run her husband down. Then she would wonder why the family did not like him.

She started talking about divorce and he decided to give her what she wanted. Most men would not have staied with her as long as he did.

He is remarried to a woman with MS. And he says eventhough she has worse health then my aunt she does not complain about it as much.

So I perfect my advice don't complain as much. If he is a jerk go a head and leave him. But don't call someone a jerk with out being here to defend himself and expect other guys to all support your decision. My dad is a good man. On some level he has given up trying to make my mom happy in cleaning up around the house.

Perhaps what we need is a good joke for some levety.
I'll return with the husband store

KittenKrazy · Mar 21, 2005

Originally Posted by LottomagicZ4941

If he is a jerk go a head and leave him.

Point here being...HE already left her, as a matter of fact, several weeks or more ago!

diane8704 · Mar 21, 2005

Well, there seems to be a lot of good points here. But I felt the need to put in my opinion. When you know that its over, you dont need the time to talk about it. Especially, when you realize that hes okay without you. Its hard to find the strength to fight a battle hes not in. I am sure tigger will be the first to say that half the blame is hers. But theres no use in pretending that everything will be fine.
And when it comes to vows...did he not break a vow to HER? All this talk about HER breaking the vows, and yes the admitting that he did too, but come on. She fought for her marriage. What part of through thick and thin did he not get?? And she should fight for her marrige??? Pardon my language, but he pissed on that vow and sacred ceremony the minute he chose to walk away. And I am "just not into you"??? Whats that?? Was he not to forsake all others for her??? Dont talk about vows, and marriage and christian things when its blatantly obvious that this guys doesnt give a rip about much of anything.
When it comes to your father, Tigger, shame on him!!

Would he be talking about relinquishing control if he hit you??? Come on...that backwoods crap about women staying in marriages and making it work, gags me to this day! He should be ashamed for telling you its your fault. Even if it was a round about way.
If it were me in this situation, hell yeah I'd talk to him. I'd tell him to grow up and be an adult, and be responsible. Its too late, for him. All hes doing is trying to play you like a piano with well worn keys...he wants to keep you on the sidelines so that if he needs you, you'll be there.
What you need to to do, is tell him to stop calling you. And hang up on him. Then, change your numbers so he cant reach you. Dont give them to him, or anyone else that will give them to him. Then get yourself into counseling to help your self esteem..and help you deal with the grief of a looming divorce. Then, contact your attorney, and push forward with the divorce. And be strong. No matter what. Be strong. Be your best supporter. If he sees that hes no longer getting to you, he'll probably stop it. Do not allow there to be anymore conversations between you until you can handle it, and not be so effected by it.
Good luck to you. I hope you find the happiness and peace you are looking for.
And remember, we are all here to listen...and hopefully, help you through this.

deb25 · Mar 21, 2005

And he is acting like a jerk for sending mixed messages. Or more appropriately wanting to have his cake and eat it, too.

lottomagicz4941 · Mar 21, 2005

Good job taking my quote out of context.

This thread has oviously oppened up some wounds.

I'm just a guy who saw a request for a guys opinion.

Perhpas I was a fool for thinking that my opinion was actually wanted.

Learning is best defined as a relatively permant change in behavior(sophmore level principles of learning). It takes a motivated adult 20 to 21 days to change behavior (psycobable from training at work).

The Bible says to speak evil of no man. Sorry I don't know the reference. I think that is because then it makes it harder for us to improve. As I have said before words have power.

You want a guys opinion. Don't be so critical. Consider the psychological concept of projection. When your accusing someone of being manipulative are you the one being manipulative.

Us men are not mind readers. I only know of this based on this thread. What is the real issue here. Wasn't a guys opinion asked.

I would advise women not to ask for something they don't want.

Once again I think this thread has oppened some wounds. I'm not a bad guy just a guy who saw a request for a simple opinion. And I never advocated anyone remain in an abusive relationship. I am against both verbal and physical abuse.

diane8704 · Mar 21, 2005

My advice to women is don't call a guy a jerk unless you want him to be one. My mom use to always say make your words sweet incase you have to eat them. Also you get more flies with honey then vinigar. I don't know why you would want a fly but. . . . I think you get the meaning of the message.

You know...it sounds to me like you are more than a little bothered by your wife's constant criticisms. All of your posts are all about christian behavior and how your wife accuses you of manipulative behavior. And yet you choose to stay in the marriage because that is your belief. And good for you. But when you have tried to work it out, and its just not working..wouldnt staying in that relationship be against all the rules??
And I disagree with what your saying...dont call a guy a jerk unless you want him to be one, well, then men shouldnt call women the horrible names they do, either.
I am a christian...but I will be the first to tell you now, that if my husband left me, after i fought for our marriage, then its best we go our separate ways. I deserve to be happy. And I have been taught that jesus died so that I could have that choice.
Your right...thats your opinion...and you are entitled to it. No one should be mad at you for that. But you shouldn't cram religion down peoples throats either. Not that its it in your case, but some of the most biggest hypocrites I know are "christians".
Please dont take offense to what people said, they feel just as strongly about their beliefs as you. One thing I learned here, is that everyone is honest to a point of blunt. And they may say things that seem harsh...but they arent. They have good intentions.

diane8704 · Mar 21, 2005

Originally Posted by LottomagicZ4941

Good job taking my quote out of context.

This thread has oviously oppened up some wounds.

I'm just a guy who saw a request for a guys opinion.

Perhpas I was a fool for thinking that my opinion was actually wanted.

Learning is best defined as a relatively permant change in behavior(sophmore level principles of learning). It takes a motivated adult 20 to 21 days to change behavior (psycobable from training at work).

The Bible says to speak evil of no man. Sorry I don't know the reference. I think that is because then it makes it harder for us to improve. As I have said before words have power.

You want a guys opinion. Don't be so critical. Consider the psychological concept of projection. When your accusing someone of being manipulative are you the one being manipulative.

Us men are not mind readers. I only know of this based on this thread. What is the real issue here. Wasn't a guys opinion asked.

I would advise women not to ask for something they don't want.

Once again I think this thread has oppened some wounds. I'm not a bad guy just a guy who saw a request for a simple opinion. And I never advocated anyone remain in an abusive relationship. I am against both verbal and physical abuse.

PS I love cats I can't be all bad

I did not take your quote out of context. I told you my opinion on it. Sorry if that upsets you. Yes, a guys opinion was asked for...but you have to be prepared to have people responding to it.
No one said you advocate anything...and I certainly didnt.
Good job for taking it personally.

KittenKrazy · Mar 21, 2005

Originally Posted by LottomagicZ4941

Good job taking my quote out of context.

This thread has oviously oppened up some wounds.

Sorry darlin', didn't mean to take it out of context, I was just weeding out what I wanted to discuss with you, without reposting your whole post. I'm very prone to that.

And I agree with the wounds, and could some of those open wounds be yours?

Originally Posted by Lottomagicz4941

. I'm not a bad guy just a guy who saw a request for a simple opinion

Hon, I don't think anyone ever said that you were a bad guy. I'm glad that you were kind enough to give your opinion, 'cause there aren't a lot of guys on this board. But an opinion was asked of his behavior, not a sermon on the sins of divorce, that's all!

lottomagicz4941 · Mar 21, 2005

I just think we are divorce happy as a society.

Now if she did everything to save here marriage then she has already followed my advice.

However he is not here to defend himself. We only have one side of the story.

And Jesus came to heal the sick not the healthy.

I am the decient guy who has lost out to tons of jerks. So yea I have some emotional trama. I have often wondered why gals stick with abusive men. Why do women marry these guys?

In her post she askes for a man's advice. She still calles him her husband.

I feel her pain as I would rather die then lose my wife. I saw some signs of her being abusive before we were married. I'm dislexic and I get my lefts and rights confused and she is not very patient with me.

What stress is her husband going through? Why is he not into her any more? That is a very mean and evil statement. What motivated him to say something so mean and evil? My wife is still upset that her friend took the guy who left her back. But for a man losing a job is almost as bad psychologically as for a woman to be raped. She told him to get a job so he did.

I don't think any of my advice has been bad. What is the real issue here?

And why am I responding to all these people who are not the orginal poster?

It is in men's nature to defend our selves.

Love is kind and patient. It is a tragidy when love is lost. It is a tragedy when a marriage falls apart. "Critisim is strong where love is week" Don't recall who said that but I think it is true.

sweets · Mar 21, 2005

So, last night he callls & leave a message (I didnt want to speak to him) asking about a prescription that his dr wrote up for him 2 years ago & he wants me to look for it so he can have it (to go to the dentist... he has mitro valve prolapse & has to take antibiotics). I thought whatever .. evertime something like this happens, he calls. He called 1 hour ago & didnt leave a message. I do so much better when I dont talk to him, so this is why I dont answer/ How am I EVER supposed to heal?

What he's doing here is keeping you involved in the relationship and attempting to stroke your ego. Like it or not, women often look at their self worth by how they take care of people. "He must love me or he wouldn't need me so much" "When I grow up, I want to get married and have kids and be the mommy" So by letting you take care of him, he is making sure you will always be part of his life.

That said, let him take care of his own life!

He just wants you there as his mommy, not his lover or his mate or even his friend! And baby, we don't marry to become our husband's mommy.

You can do what you can to improve the other person. I am working on getting my wife to be less abusive.

Lotto, this reminded me of my mother's favorite saying. The only thing you can change is your own mind and a baby's diaper. So don't try to change (improve) your spouse.

diane8704 · Mar 21, 2005

LottomagicZ4941 said:
I just think we are divorce happy as a society.

Now if she did everything to save here marriage then she has already followed my advice.

However he is not here to defend himself. We only have one side of the story.

And Jesus came to heal the sick not the healthy.

I am the decient guy who has lost out to tons of jerks. So yea I have some emotional trama. I have often wondered why gals stick with abusive men. Why do women marry these guys?

In her post she askes for a man's advice. She still calles him her husband.

I feel her pain as I would rather die then lose my wife. I saw some signs of her being abusive before we were married. I'm dislexic and I get my lefts and rights confused and she is not very patient with me.

What stress is her husband going through? Why is he not into her any more? That is a very mean and evil statement. What motivated him to say something so mean and evil? My wife is still upset that her friend took the guy who left her back. But for a man losing a job is almost as bad psychologically as for a woman to be raped. She told him to get a job so he did.

I don't think any of my advice has been bad. What is the real issue here?

And why am I responding to all these people who are not the orginal poster?

It is in men's nature to defend our selves.

Love is kind and patient. It is a tragidy when love is lost. It is a tragedy when a marriage falls apart. "Critisim is strong where love is week" Don't recall who said that but I think it is true.

I understand where you are coming from. And its obvious that you have emotional trauma, just from some of your posts, and I think that this post hits a sore spot somewhere within you. No one said you were a bad guy. And maybe you need to realize that those girls werent good enough for YOU. Not the other way around. Not all women want jerks. I am want of them. I dont want a guy who is a jerk. And if your wife is abusive to you, shame on her. My husband is color blind, and I am patient with him. Maybe you need to tell your wife that the two of you need counseling so that she can learn to be a better person. Maybe you have this deep rooted fear that you could be the guy in the original poster that everyone is calling a jerk. You grew up with a lot of emotional abuse from women to men. Naturally, this would be really sensitive for you, and you see the man's side of it. But some men dont think the way that you that. And some women dont abuse their husbands. Maybe you need to realize that you deserve to be treated better, along with the original poster. I didnt mean to jump down your opinion.

sweets · Mar 21, 2005

Lotto, if I may ask a personal question:

I feel her pain as I would rather die then lose my wife. I saw some signs of her being abusive before we were married. I'm dislexic and I get my lefts and rights confused and she is not very patient with me.

Why did you open yourself up to an abusive person if you knew ahead of time that you would be abused? Most people would run, not walk, in the opposite direction.

Sandy

ps... Sorry, I don't mean to hijack the thread, but this is bothering me

yosemite · Mar 21, 2005

Oh for heaven's sake - just dump him - he's no good. He wants his cake and eat it too. He wants to date other women but make sure you are hanging around in the background if he finds he doesn't like it out there.

Cut the rope and let him loose then find a decent man for yourself.

valanhb · Mar 21, 2005

Originally Posted by LottomagicZ4941

<snip>But for a man losing a job is almost as bad psychologically as for a woman to be raped. <snip>

Oh

my

god!

I simply cannot believe you could actually believe that.

As someone who has had both things happen....I don't care how much ego is built into a job that does not even come close to compare to rape! And that statement is so degrading to women, I can't even begin to put it into words.

And no, I'm not taking what you said out of context. It seems your entire view of women is out of context.

Sorry for the hijack, Tigger. I just couldn't let that statement go...

diane8704 · Mar 21, 2005

Originally Posted by valanhb

Oh

my

god!

I simply cannot believe you could actually believe that.

As someone who has had both things happen....I don't care how much ego is built into a job that does not even come close to compare to rape! And that statement is so degrading to women, I can't even begin to put it into words.

And no, I'm not taking what you said out of context. It seems your entire view of women is out of context.

Sorry for the hijack, Tigger. I just couldn't let that statement go...

I think you are right. Rape is totally different when it comes to losing a job. They are at totally different ends of the spectrum. I chose not to comment, because luckily for me, I have not experienced either one. Hats off to you for overcoming them!!!

pat · Mar 21, 2005

Folks, we need to stop this. It isn't about Tigger anymore, and it needs to stay focused on her and what she needs of us.

I just am not reading/responding any further to replies that are off this topic or unhelpful to her. I am too blunt when I read something I find absurd.

Tigger - sending you a huge hug, and wishing I could give you all the answers, or that I had a crystal ball to tell you why your dh has done this or is behaving this way.

In the end, you need to survive, to protect yourself, to care for yourself well. You have no idea, I often think none of us does, how many lives we touch day to day. You are important, more than you know, and we want you to heal and be happy again.

deb25 · Mar 21, 2005

Lotto,

As I stated earlier, this current thread is part of a continuing story. Perhaps you should begin by reading where it began. There are other threads on the subject, but this was the start:

http://www.thecatsite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=41003

I realize that the thread title asked for a man's opinion. However, being new to our site, perhaps you should ease your way into sensitive issues by reading and getting to know the people to whom you are posting.

valanhb · Mar 21, 2005

Originally Posted by Pat & Alix

Folks, we need to stop this. It isn't about Tigger anymore, and it needs to stay focused on her and what she needs of us.

I just am not reading/responding any further to replies that are off this topic or unhelpful to her. I am too blunt when I read something I find absurd.

Tigger - sending you a huge hug, and wishing I could give you all the answers, or that I had a crystal ball to tell you why your dh has done this or is behaving this way.

In the end, you need to survive, to protect yourself, to care for yourself well. You have no idea, I often think none of us does, how many lives we touch day to day. You are important, more than you know, and we want you to heal and be happy again.

Thank you Pat. We needed that reminder.

Tigger, you are in my thoughts. Be strong, and remember there's a lot of us here to support you when you aren't feeling so strong.

cheeseface · Mar 21, 2005

Well lottoplastic, or whatever your name is, I watched this thread giving you the benefit of the doubt hoping maybe you could redeem yourself before I posted again. How overly optimistic of me.

Every one of your rantings have been unintelligible and easily predictible attempts to turn the attention to yourself and your so called pain. You're not the underdog here and this thread isn't about you. It's so easy to guess your next move that I could almost post it for you. It wouldn't hurt my feelings one bit if you got banned.

Let's get our attention back to Tigger and her situation. We support you and we're here to listen. We'll give our points of view when asked and we'll offer you advice if you specifically ask for it. I think everyone else can agree with that.

fwan · Mar 21, 2005

sometimes you have to keep your religion belief to your self regarding other peoples questions.
But ihave to go along with the others
HOW DARE YOU TALK ABOUT RAPE! WHEN HARDLY ANY MAN KNOWS WHAT THE TRAUMA IS LIKE!
i mean have you ever seen a woman rape a man? I certainly havent!

can i get a man's point of view? girls feel free to chip in too

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