can i get a man's point of view? girls feel free to chip in too

tigger · Mar 20, 2005

So, my husband is a jerk. The last 3 weeks things have gone good, untile this past week. He led me on, and I wont go into details. So, the other day, I was upset & tried to tell him how I felt, and he tels me " I am not into you" So, ok. We fought and fought the whole week on the phone. Friday comes, and Tigger goes to her new home. I called him up because I was hurt & angry . I told him " I hope you are happy with your self what you have accomplished, and told him I am done talking to you forever" & hung up. So, last night he callls & leave a message (I didnt want to speak to him) asking about a prescription that his dr wrote up for him 2 years ago & he wants me to look for it so he can have it (to go to the dentist... he has mitro valve prolapse & has to take antibiotics). I thought whatever .. evertime something like this happens, he calls. He called 1 hour ago & didnt leave a message. I do so much better when I dont talk to him, so this is why I dont answer/ How am I EVER supposed to heal?

I dont know if its the fact that he cannt fathom what I told him or what. FOr someone who doesnt want to be with me, yet he wants my friendship ... He could EASILY call his doctor's office tomorrow & ask for a new prescription .. He's an intelligent person for pete's sake. My dad told me from a guy's perspective, he doesnt like it that I am taking control & he sees it as his power being taken away. I know that in 2 weeks or so, it'll go back to being all fun & lovey dovey, etc even though he says no.
I just dont understand it... he wants this divorce sooo bad/ Is it so bad of me to not want to talk to him? Its like he doesnt understand this. And, he will keep on calling too .. the he will start with his stupid little threats like "if you dont answer, when you call me I wont answer"

Thank God for gyms

cheeseface · Mar 20, 2005

Originally Posted by Tigger

So, my husband is a jerk. The last 3 weeks things have gone good, untile this past week. He led me on, and I wont go into details. So, the other day, I was upset & tried to tell him how I felt, and he tels me " I am not into you" So, ok. We fought and fought the whole week on the phone. Friday comes, and Tigger goes to her new home. I called him up because I was hurt & angry . I told him " I hope you are happy with your self what you have accomplished, and told him I am done talking to you forever" & hung up. So, last night he callls & leave a message (I didnt want to speak to him) asking about a prescription that his dr wrote up for him 2 years ago & he wants me to look for it so he can have it (to go to the dentist... he has mitro valve prolapse & has to take antibiotics). I thought whatever .. evertime something like this happens, he calls. He called 1 hour ago & didnt leave a message. I do so much better when I dont talk to him, so this is why I dont answer/ How am I EVER supposed to heal?

I dont know if its the fact that he cannt fathom what I told him or what. FOr someone who doesnt want to be with me, yet he wants my friendship ... He could EASILY call his doctor's office tomorrow & ask for a new prescription .. He's an intelligent person for pete's sake. My dad told me from a guy's perspective, he doesnt like it that I am taking control & he sees it as his power being taken away. I know that in 2 weeks or so, it'll go back to being all fun & lovey dovey, etc even though he says no.
I just dont understand it... he wants this divorce sooo bad/ Is it so bad of me to not want to talk to him? Its like he doesnt understand this. And, he will keep on calling too .. the he will start with his stupid little threats like "if you dont answer, when you call me I wont answer"

Thank God for gyms

Well I can give you my point of view, but there are a lot of details left out of the story so far.

"I am not into you"

My view is that he means it.

told him I am done talking to you forever" ...So, last night he callls & leave a message (I didnt want to speak to him) asking about a prescription... He could EASILY call his doctor's office...

Mr. Obvious says: He's testing/tormenting you.

How am I EVER supposed to heal?

That's a tough one. My point of view is that you need to keep your life busy without involving him in it. Time doesn't heal, but the things you do with your time will. Live well.

Is it so bad of me to not want to talk to him?

Well, we don't really know any details, but any man who does not respect a woman's wishes and give her the space that she needs, (he shouldn't even have to be told) is a bad choice for a partner. So... no, it's not bad of you to not want to talk to him. He told you that he wasn't "into you". He meant it. However, he might be "into" tormenting you.

My dad told me from a guy's perspective, he doesnt like it that I am taking control...

Okay, we don't know what you're referring to here. I assume you've begun taking control of your own life and your dad figures that your husband doesn't like that???

I just dont understand it... he wants this divorce sooo bad/ Is it so bad of me to not want to talk to him?

If he is a controlling person as your dad assumes, then he's interrupting your life simply for the purpose of... interrupting it. That's what people like that love doing.

tigger · Mar 20, 2005

I'll try to clarify about what my dad said: he says that my husband probably doenst like the idea of me taking control of the issue about me not picking up the phone. I guess in other words, he cant control me like a puppet so to speak and he doenst like it. Does that make a little more sense?
Because just 2 weeks ago, he tried to get all lovey-dovey with me and I backed up and said no it wont work. My husbands response was that I am not a psychic and that i dont know what the future may hold for us. You see for him to go back and forth on this, is confusing to me/ In 2 weeks for all I know, he will want to start haning out, etc. See, he goes back & forth, and to me, he is confused and doesnt know what he really wants.

cheeseface · Mar 20, 2005

Originally Posted by Tigger

I'll try to clarify about what my dad said: he says that my husband probably doenst like the idea of me taking control of the issue about me not picking up the phone. I guess in other words, he cant control me like a puppet so to speak and he doenst like it. Does that make a little more sense?
Because just 2 weeks ago, he tried to get all lovey-dovey with me and I backed up and said no it wont work. My husbands response was that I am not a psychic and that i dont know what the future may hold for us. You see for him to go back and forth on this, is confusing to me/ In 2 weeks for all I know, he will want to start haning out, etc. See, he goes back & forth, and to me, he is confused and doesnt know what he really wants.

If he is so confused and can't make up his mind, why is he so sure that he wants to talk to you so frequently then? I think if he is so predictible in certain aspects of his behaviour then he is doing exactly what he wants and is not confused at all. I think he likes to confuse you. If your best friend's husband was acting like this, what would your point of view be? Would you think that she should answer the phone?

valanhb · Mar 20, 2005

It sounds to me like he's trying to keep you in the back pocket. So if being single doesn't work out for him, he can just tug on the leash and you'll come right back. By calling and asking you to do little things for him, he's assured that you still care about him and will go out of your way to make his life easier. If I were you, I would make it clear that you are only going to talk to him about legal matters regarding the house and the divorce. Then do just that. That is how you get over him.

BTW, I'm not saying that as a "guy thing". Girls do it too. It's manipulative and mean no matter who does it.

pat · Mar 20, 2005

I am so sorry for this tough time...do what you feel is best for you.

javern · Mar 20, 2005

I think it is common break up BS and doesn't make sense to over anyalize this. Frankly you need to not talk to him otherwise he will keep you on emotional puppet strings.

mrsd · Mar 20, 2005

He's being manipulative. Change your number and don't give it to him. If he has medical questions, he can call his doctor. He's an adult, and he knows how to work a telephone... He wants you to hang around for him, but at his bidding. Is that being considerate of you? I call it being selfish.

How can you 'heal'? I don't know. Maybe he'll always try to keep you in the background, while checking out the foreground. If he ever wants 'just you', I'd try to keep the relationship alive. But if he wants you and others too, I'd move myself out of the background. Because you'll always be getting bruised, scarred, and hurt. And you won't heal.

I'm so sorry for your pain.

kiwideus · Mar 20, 2005

Ack, get rid of him I say. He is an adult, he should know how to call his own doctor. Since he left you, that is not your problem. Yes, change your phone number. And like Heidi said, he just wants you in the background in case he can't meet someone else and so you are there waiting for him and just because you won't wait for him, he doesn't like that. I would tell him to kiss my grits.

Why don't you go and get your hair done, buy a new outfit and go out with some friends, pick up a guy, get his phone number and go out on a date, and you will feel better, the ego boost will help.

And if he wants to contact you about the house, divorce, have his lawyer talk to your lawyer. Simple.

I wish you all the best.

hissy · Mar 20, 2005

You aren't going to heal, not right away. Sometimes it takes years to get over an ex depending on how heavily invested you were in him. Cut your losses and walk away. look at exposure to him as being toxic to your heart.

deb25 · Mar 20, 2005

Heidi's 'back pocket' analysis is dead on. He wanted out so badly, but it sounds like now the grass isn't quite so green, or at least he is uncertain about it. If he keeps you around as a 'friend', he bides his time while he makes a decision. I wouldn't let him do that to you. Makes it all the more painful and harder to move on. He has 2 choices: either stay married to you or not. He wanted complete control of his life? Hand it to him on a silver platter.

cougar · Mar 20, 2005

Well I'm a guy and to me it sounds like he's just being an ass. If he's not into you, I don't know why you would care about him

tigger · Mar 20, 2005

Its just so hard not to after 7 yrs of marriage.

He has called twice today and I have not picked up the phone

I will be strong on this. As for what Kiwi said, its hard. I am a quiet person by nature and I dont even know how to pickup a guy or even begin to ask for his number for fear of rejection or being on the rebound, which is what i dont want to do. I just want to be able to find a man who will treat me right. I want someone who will take me out to dinner, and to buy me flowers because he wants to just because. I want someone who will be romantic ... someone to snuggle with when it gets cold, blah blah. I didnt date anyone (exept for one or two date swith someone) before I met my husband. I never had a true broken heart like I have now. Sure in high school when you find out a guy does not like you that is hard enough, but when its marriage, its different.

imsoocute222 · Mar 20, 2005

their is a lot of details left out but i would say go with your gut feeling then if your not comfortable with that feeling follow your heart but don't do what your brain tells you because the cycle will never end and you'll never heal.

deb25 · Mar 20, 2005

I realize that starting over is hard, but after 7 years of marriage all he had to say is, "I'm not into you."????? I am sure he is aware of your feelings, and it's just plain selfish to play on them while you are vulnerable.

hissy · Mar 20, 2005

Gal you would really benefit from reading this book

Love Must Be Tough

sashacat421 · Mar 20, 2005

Originally Posted by Deb25

Heidi's 'back pocket' analysis is dead on. He wanted out so badly, but it sounds like now the grass isn't quite so green, or at least he is uncertain about it. If he keeps you around as a 'friend', he bides his time while he makes a decision. I wouldn't let him do that to you. Makes it all the more painful and harder to move on. He has 2 choices: either stay married to you or not. He wanted complete control of his life? Hand it to him on a silver platter.

oh dear oh dear oh dear. This must be incredibly stressful and draining and worst of all, it sure can do a number of your self-esteem, can't it. Deb (and Heidi) just kinda nailed what I wanted to say....and I will add that you MUST believe in your own worth and pay attention to that. Do NOT fill your waking and sleeping hours with your energy over-analyzing him or worrying. His comment was insipid - he can do better than that and YOU can do better than him for a mate right now. I suggest very strongly, and I will tell it like it is even if I am not a man, that you fill your waking and sleeping hours with a really good safety net - a darn good doable, workable, realistic game plan that you might want to write out in some notes to guide you through what YOU want and how YOU want to Move Forward With or Without Him. YOUR esteem and sanity are #1 right NOW, or you will go nuts.

You are a beautiful, smart, compassionate, and very intelligent woman and put that to very good use in every facet of your life. He can either step up to the plate and live at a higher level with you and do your marriage justice - or - he isn't allowed to. Amazing how as soon as you start paying super great attention to yourself and moving forward, making plans without him...he will either come back and raise his marital behavior to a higher level OR you will grow exponentially in a short time and realize you can be all you can be without him and I know that's a really hard pill to swallow, but it might be in your destiny and path to do so. Big Hugs to you -- and I am thinking of you.

Love,
Elizabeth

KitEKats4Eva! · Mar 21, 2005

Wow that's quite a hard one. I haven't had time to read all the other posts, but I was in a similar situation with my marriage before it ended and the only advice I can offer that seemed to help at all, is remember who is the one who is behaving badly here. Everyone knows on some level whether or not the way they are acting is acceptable.

Your husband KNOWS he is manipulating you, is DELIBERATELY trying to pressure you and keep you under his thumb, and is CERTAIN that his bad behaviour will keep you just where he wants you. And it sounds, at this stage, as though he is succeeding. You are miserable and confused and frustrated and that is exactly what he is after. You know as well just how badly he is acting and so you must try your very best to be above all of that - to not respond to his threats and to be strong for yourself.

When my husband intimidated or threatened me, the only way to stop him was to ignore it - he went on and on for a while, but after he realised that I wasn't going to put up with his garbage he finally just stopped doing it. He was incredibly stubborn and it was SO hard, but I did it and it made me so much stronger. I left him and I didn't go back. And now we are kind of friends but he damn well treats me with the respect I deserve, and he never did that before. Because I knew and was convinced and determined to always behave perfectly, and so when he behaved like an ass it just made him look bad and childish, and after a while his pride wouldn't stand for it.

Please pm me if you want to talk about things further. But in the meantime, listen to the Christina Aguilera song,`Fighter'. The lyrics are so good and that song was my real power song after I split up with my husband.

Good luck

rosiemac · Mar 21, 2005

I'm giving him 10/10 for knowing how to play mind games with you!!.

I have a friend who is in the same position as you at the moment. Her partner walked out on sunday and she said to me last night that she felt so lonely, but i told her as long as she has friends and family she won't be alone!.

I work with 40 men and i know for certain that theres several of them who hate to see a woman cope on their own, these sort of men are so insecure with themselves!.

Stand your ground with him and show him that your not a pushover.

lottomagicz4941 · Mar 21, 2005

Both of you said very mean things to each other. Him saying he is not into you was very mean and uncalled for statement.

I am a man and a Christian. A divorce should be a total last resort. God permits divorce because of our hard hearts.

Certainly he was into you at one time or he would not have married you.

Since I don't know either of you it may be inaproprate to give all but the most general advice. Try to make your marriage work. What God has put together no other man should put apart.

I'm not always the best Christian. Martin Luther once said that lack of faith was his biggest sin. I'll try and remember to pray for you. Us Christians are to pray with out ceasing and my prayer life is something that like your relationship could be imporoved.

can i get a man's point of view? girls feel free to chip in too

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