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What do you look for in a true friend?

post #1 of 47
Thread Starter 
Recent events in my life have made me re-evaluate my thinking. I would like to ask everyone a question as I am curious -

What are the most important qualities that you would consider in a TRUE friend?

post #2 of 47
sense of humor

I'm sure there is more but that is off the top of my head.
post #3 of 47
I would say first is the ability to accept me as I am...not trying to change me.
Second is the knowlege that my friend will not belittle me behind my back...or belittle others to me.
Third is the ability to just share a moment without a lot of talk.

Hey...that's Barb..

Ummm...we share other things too...but I'm not telling about THAT!!!!!:laughing:
post #4 of 47
post #5 of 47
I have a friend who I've known for 20 years, since the 2nd grade. In my opinion she is the true meaning of the word friend. She is kind, compassionate, honest, beautiful ( on the inside I mean as well as the outside ), loving, caring, funny, smart, and has been there for me NO MATTER WHAT. We have never had an argument, ever. She has been a rock of stregnth and a wonderful listener in my life and she is family to me. I could not imagine muy life without her, and I hope I never have to!
post #6 of 47
A sense of humility
A good sense of her (his) own self worth
Forgiving - as I make mistakes sometimes
post #7 of 47

What a great question!
I would say someone who is "loyal" and will always be there for you, no matter what the cost is.

post #8 of 47

I have to agree with Loretta's comment about "loyalty". (Maybe that's because I read it 3 times- only kidding Loretta- have you been having trouble posting replies this morning, because I sure have. It seems that on certain threads, the replies just don't want to post).
post #9 of 47
Notice I removed the other two?
and yes I was having a problem posting this AM....
It figures, me who hardly ever writes has a problem posting! :laughing:

post #10 of 47
Someone who has seen me at my worst and loves me anyway!
post #11 of 47
sense of humor, honesty, willingess to listen; There are so many different things to look for in a friend. Friendships, if you ask me, are hard to come by now a days. It seems to me that once you have your friends established by the time you are in high school it is hard to make new friends. Atleast that is what I have found out.

A Story:
I only really have 1 friend, from high school who I keep in touch with. We keep meaning to get together, but nothing happens.. I work weird hours, and she works, too. My only real true best friend is my husband, and that's all I really need, I guess? :rednose:
When I was in high school I had a few friends, but as we got closer to graduation, we drifted apart, and after high school.... Forget it! I had a friend who I knew since 2nd grade. After high school, she got her degree, and graduated. She went to my reception and that was the last I saw her. When she moved to the East Coast to get married, we stayed in touch by email, but it got to the point that if I didn't email her, she didn't email me, even if it was my turn to write. So I said screw it. I had a friend in high school who I considered a close friend, but after high school we kinda quit talking because she was involved with some guy. When they broke up, she called looking for a friend, imo. When I met my husband & we started dating, I saw her but not as much. She met a guy. Ok, I got engaged, and about 2 weeks after that, she got engaged, too!! From what I remember he wasn't ready, and I think it was just because I was engaged. Eventually, the guy broke up with her..... She got upset with me for stupid little things, like not calling her on her b-day & stuff like that. About 2 years ago or so, I called her & made the effort to see if she'd like to hang out, but she never called back. So, was she truly a friend? Back then in high school she was & prior to her breakup with her h.s. boyfriend, but after she pulled her little crap on me (made things up & told her mom how she didn't like what my husband (boyfriend at the time) had said to her). Get this: She had never met him, which was bizarre. She also couldn't be happy for me. Then, no, she wasn't a friend.

So, if you ask me what really is a friend? It's someone who listens to you, and doesn't pull stupid immature stunts & people who don't hurt you.
post #12 of 47
Donna, this is a really good thread, and really thought provoking.

I too have recently evaluated what a true friend is......

I recently (nine months ago) lost the person who "claimed" to be my best friend.
We had been 'best' friends for several years....
Then 6 months after my dad died, she sent me a nasty e-mail, and said I wasn't the same anymore, and that I just wasn't dealing with reality anymore. She then dumped me as a friend.
I feel this was cruel, and it made me rethink what a TRUE friend really is.... Here is what I think a TRUE friend really is, (for whatever it is worth)

1. A REAL friend accepts the changes in you
2. A REAL friend loves you even when you piss them off
3. A REAL friend tries to help you to see reality, not just tell you that you aren't dealing with it, and leave you.
4. A REAL friend won't mind if you wake them up at 3 am, just to talk, cause you are feeling insecure, or sad, or vulnerable, etc
5. A REAL friend just loves you......period. And that doesn't mean they agree with you, or even totally understand you, but they are THERE for you, dammit.

Okay, after posting this, I don't feel too great...maybe I just have too high of expectations of my friends, but I don't feel very understood by them.

Donna, you have pissed me off a few times, but I have always loved you.
The one thing I never told you is that the night I was so worried about Merlin, I wanted to call you so bad....you were honestly the one person I wanted to call and talk to about it.....
I think thats why it hurt me so bad when I saw your response to it.
About how America had worse things to worry about than my cats b@lls...etc.
But you know what......a TRUE friend still loves you, so you want to know what a true friend is....I think you are looking at it.

A real friend loves unconditionally, and God only knows I need that.
I hope you feel the same way.
post #13 of 47
I had another instance where my one friend in high school quit talking to me, too. In 1996, my grandmother died at my parents' house of a massive heart attack. I was home alone, and when I woke up, she was dead in the bathroom. About 3-4 weeks after that, the Maricopa County Fair was in Arizona. I didn't want to go, but my mom thought I should go to get out of the house. She did tell my friend when she arrived that I wasn't feeling too good. About an hour after we got there, I busted into tears, and she asked why? So I told her.... So, we went to get a snack... I told her I wanted to go home & she wouldn't take me home, because she couldn't leave her younger sister there by herself! I told her I'd be right back, and called my then boyfriend (my husband now) that I was going to walk home (which was about 30 minutes away from my house) and he told me just to stay there. SO, I talked to him for about 20 minutes. I lied to my friend that I was talking to my parents, because I didn't think she'd understand. Well, about a week later, she figured it out & sent me an email saying how I lied, etc. I said if you were a true friend, you would've taken me home, etc. Eventually, we stopped talking.... And, I haven't heard from her since then (well except a few months before I got married). It is sad how friends cannot except when you are going thru something. Had she beeen a true friend, she would've taken me back home.
post #14 of 47
I totally agree with with you Tigger, she could have found some way to take you home, even if it meant taking her sister with her. The point is, you needed her, and she wasn't there.
I Know how you feel. Losing my father iss the worst thing I will evevr, everr go through, and all I ever needed was a little unerstanding.
post #15 of 47

This is a great Thread!!! I'm not sure that a true friend means that they have to be all the time, but I do think that they should be when times are rough. It's easy to be a fair weather friend; but nothing to be proud of.

For me, I think honesty is key. It sets the foundation for trust and respect. I think loyalty, comapssion and forgivenss (as no one is perfect) are next in line for me and then of course the trimmings would have to be sense of humor and freedom within thier own sense of self and style!

Love & Peace
post #16 of 47
Boy, I'll tell you what. Anymore I think a true friend is someone that can just put up with me. I just have bad luck in the friend department!

Right now I have one true friend, and I think we're going to be friends a long, long time... because she understands what it IS to be a friend. She would never try to 'steal' my boyfriend (like one of my previous friends). She would never be jealous over one of my accomplishments (like another previous friend). She always listens when I need to vent (instead of talking about herself instead). She laughs at my stupid jokes, cries with me, and loves me. I, in turn, try to do all those things she does for me. The only thing that sucks is our schedules prevent us from ever seeing each other! I haven't seen her since July! (I'm so sad!)

Since we're telling stories as examples - here's one that I will just never understand: I ended up in the right place at the right time, and there was a magazine writer that decided he wanted to do a story centered around me changing the bearings in his Chevy truck. (Quite an unusual thing for a woman to be doing in his opinion - he was a writer for a popular 4x4 magazine.) I was very excited, and when I told my 'best' friend at the time about it, she got all huffy and said "Why would he ask you to do that? That's pretty stupid." You could just see the jealousy.

At the time I ignored it, because I'm not good at confrontations, but I also made it very clear that I was hurt. It was the beginning of the end of our friendship!
post #17 of 47
Originally posted by Jin & Spawn

Since we're telling stories as examples - here's one that I will just never understand: I ended up in the right place at the right time, and there was a magazine writer that decided he wanted to do a story centered around me changing the bearings in his Chevy truck. (Quite an unusual thing for a woman to be doing in his opinion - he was a writer for a popular 4x4 magazine.) I was very excited, and when I told my 'best' friend at the time about it, she got all huffy and said "Why would he ask you to do that? That's pretty stupid." You could just see the jealousy.

:laughing2...I'm not laughing at you ...it's just the way you presented your story. I was always getting the heat from friends about my job, but it's not from the women! It's from the guys. I really think they don't like the fact that I'm a carpenter! LOL I have my own crew...so, I do get a little more picked on about my work. Seems like a jealousy/insecurity problem...it seemed hard to work through, in my case, I found that if I gave them a chance by killing them with kindness they'll come around...it's hard at first, just swallow the false pride thing...That's what I had to do. After that, I just laughed at 'em...which started a huge giggle between all of us...it's really cool now Thank God...work can be stressful enough without all the extra pressure of doing a "man's" job! :LOL:

Love & Peace,

PS...You never did say, but how did the article came out?!
post #18 of 47
I am like you Debby, i discovered the true worth of my friends at the expense of loosing people i love, my brother 6 & 1/2 years ago and my father earlier this year, they were both killed in high profile accidents in New Zealand (where i am originally from) and it was a very very hard time, and always will be for me...and it was very hard to have to deal with being treated like a lepper by people who were meant to be my best friends at the the time.

I can feel the lump of tears in my throat now...sorry.

But on the other hand, i did find out who really was my friend, not people who were just there when things were good. they didn`t always know what to say, but that didn`t stop them from being there. I think i can safely say i lost most of my college friends after my brother was killed and then a lot of my university friends earlier this year. But i have also discovered some absolute angels too, who don't mind if i say nothing for hours on end, or if i just cry, or if i want to talk about my dad and brother. They are my true friends.

And my husband is the best and most understanding of them all, and i don`t think i could have got through yet another tragedy in my family without his love and support.

Sorry for going on,

post #19 of 47
I lost my mom to cancer the day after I graduated from high school. That summer was the longest, most loneliest of my life. I spent a lot of time alone. When she died, I wasn't really close to anyone (even my best friend since 6th grade) because all through the later years of her illness I felt isolated. I couldn't get into the fun of senior year, the carefreeness of it all, because my mom was slowly dying and I didn't feel like I could relate to any of my peers.

Then I went to college 4 hours away, and started fresh. While some people struggled with being away from thier families, and being in a new environment, without old friends, it was just what I needed.

Just recently (in the last 10 months or so) My best friend for the past 16 years broke down over the phone and told me how bad she felt for not being there for me during my senior year, and then after my mom died. It's something she's been carrying around for 10 years. I told her, that I didn't make myself available for anyone to be there for me. I pretty much broke away from people and spent a lot of time alone. I let her know that the thought has NEVER once occurred to me that she wasn't there for me.

I guess I've been lucky when it comes to friends. Sure I had a girlfriend or two in highschool who stole my boyfriend. It hurt at the time, but I haven't thought about those things in years. April, who has been my best friend since we were 12 (we are now 28) and I have had times when we drift away from each other, but our bond is too strong to be broken by anything. Nobody knows me like her. She'll call me up and say 'I can't tell ANYONE but you this, but...' cause she knows I'll understand and never judge her for anything.

I've got probably 2 good friends back in Indiana, from highschool who I see everytime I go home. Then I have probably 3 other highschool friends who I talk to every other month or so, and I try to see when I get home, although it doesn't work out everytime. I still consider them friends, although, not as close as my other 2.

I am so blessed, because I am surrounded by wonderful people. I have my friends who have known me since I had braces and pimples, who know all the struggles I've had. Who knew my mom and mourn her passing with me. Who will call me and say remember when you mom did this at our slumber party? It means so much to have people in my life who knew what a wonderful person my mom was. And then I have my other friends who I've never met, but I feel as if they have known me my whole life.

I don't know how I got so lucky, but I thank God everyday for these beautiful people.
post #20 of 47

LOL! I know, I know! What's funny is that in my situation I don't generally have to put up with snide comments from men NEAR as much as I do from women! What's up with that??? You would think in this day and age it would be assumed that a woman can do anything she sets her mind to!

I've had MANY jobs that are considered to be more along the male line. I've worked on a construction crew as a framer. I've hung drywall. I've worked at a meat processing plant. I was a counter person at an auto parts store. Now I'm mainly a bookkeeper at a 4x4 shop, but you can catch me in the garage getting all greasy quite often!

So now that you've all formed your stereotypical opinions of how I probably look, you'll probably be surprised to hear that a few years ago I did some modeling for one of the local clothing stores! LOL!!!

Oh - the article was wonderful... they printed my whole name, titled it "Hubba Hubba", and didn't once second guess what I had said. But... they didn't print a picture of my face! It was all my hands - long fingernails (at the time) and all! :tounge2:
post #21 of 47


I'm very sorry to see that you've gone through so much pain. I have no idea what it's like to lose a brother, but I do know losing my dad was no picnic either. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope you can gain a good friend or two here from the site. There's a lot of great people on it.

I know we haven't talked much Colby, but I am very sorry about your Mom. I don't know what I would do without mine at times. There's been someone that I seem to take advantage of sometimes and that is someone I love the most. I see how I do that with my Mom; thanks for reminding me how fragile life is and how I should cherish each moment I have with her.
On a much more uplifting note, I'm truly happy that you've made such wonderful friends in your life. I sincerely believe your Mother is looking after you.

Love & Peace,
post #22 of 47
Originally posted by Jin & Spawn

So now that you've all formed your stereotypical opinions of how I probably look, you'll probably be surprised to hear that a few years ago I did some modeling for one of the local clothing stores! LOL!!!

Oh - the article was wonderful... they printed my whole name, titled it "Hubba Hubba", and didn't once second guess what I had said. But... they didn't print a picture of my face! It was all my hands - long fingernails (at the time) and all! :tounge2:

Okay, so now that I got the low down on the article...Now, I know we're all dying to see what your hands and fingernails look like! :LOL: :laughing2 Just teasing! :laughing2 I think they should've put your face on it! Why not? It was you're moment girl!
post #23 of 47

thank you for your kind words. what can I say? We all carry around sorrow and loss in our hearts. It's amazing what you can live with if forced to. I know she is watching out over me, and I draw my strength from that.
post #24 of 47
I have been very fortunate in life, I have several good friends. I have 2 best friends. My first best friend passed away earlier this year. She was in a coma for several days before I was contacted. She lived in Alaska and I'm in California, I didn't get to say goodbye, she was only 43. But you know, we had the type of friendship that we didn't have to always talk to each other... we knew when we were needed most and we were there for each other. If we didn't talk for a month, our next call would pick up from the last as if it were only yesterday. Her name was Toni Arvold, she lives on in my heart. We'll meet again some day and pick up from where we left off...

post #25 of 47
When my son died, I also lost my best friend. We had been married around the same time, got pregnant at the same time and when I went into early labor and lost the baby (he was 18 hours old when he died) She came to see me and it was really awkward. We had been doing everything together up till then, and after that one visit, I didn't see her again until after her daughter was born. I went over to give her a gift at the hospital and I could tell that she was uncomfortable around me and I soon left.

Many years later when we got together she confessed to me that she felt so bad for me she didn't know what to say, then when Kaylee was born, she felt guilty. But by that time we had pretty much pushed each other away. We are still in touch today when I go home to visit, but we don't have that best friend aspect we used to carry. She went on to have 4 healthy girls and she went one way in life and I the other. We were both so young back then, guess we didn't understand the true meaning of friendship and let death cloud the issue.
post #26 of 47
I have to agree with all the qualities listed by everyone concerning what makes a true friend. For me it boils down to 2 simple statements.. . . "a Friend will help you move; a TRUE FRIEND will help you move a body. . . . . (think about it) & a true FRIEND is the person who holds your hair back from your face when you are on your knees in front of the toilet bowl barfing your guts up. . . . All fun aside; a true friend is one that has seen you at your worst; knows your deepest, darkest secrets, and loves you and defends you anyway!
post #27 of 47
This is an excellent thread idea! Thank you!

There are different types of friends: childhood friends, comrades in military service, adulthood friends, et cetera. I've been blessed with good friends throughout my life!

During the 1990s I became homeless and was also embroiled in an international media-circus controversy. Nevertheless, there were four people who stood tall as friends; and I shall love them forever! They weren't judgmental about my being homeless nor regarding my point of view in the journalistic media. They were just there for me. They gave me food and lodging when they could; they provided unlimited moral support; they, in fact, saved my life.

Sadly, during that same period of time I lost a few friends. They couldn't handle the fact I was homeless, nor could they distinguish beween me and the media circus. One of those lost friends has been found again; and for that I'm eternally grateful.

So, I guess I'd say a true friend is someone who doesn't abandon you when your ship is sinking: They stick with you while you're struggling to find safety; and they're still there when all is well again.


post #28 of 47
I know this is nothing compared to what some of you have been through, but I feel like sulking today.... I left all my closest/best friends behind when I moved to be with my husband....so now I don't see my best pal Sarah anymore, and I rarely see my Mum and sisters who were also like my best friends....snif....My hubby is now my best friend which is great, but ya know, I just miss the "girl stuff"?!! I guess thats what comes from living in a house of four women!! ha ha ha.... Im still sulking though....
post #29 of 47
Thank you Catarina, for your kind words, and for all of you, it is a bit strange for me to be telling everyone my life story, i usually don`t do that, as people seem to run a mile when they learn about all the tragedy. So thank you all, and my love to you all who have lost loved ones too, it is very hard to have to go through.

And Bodlover, i know what you mean about not being around your girl friends, i don`t have any female friends over here (i too moved to be with my best friend husband) but thank goodness for e-mail thats all i can say! My mum, too, says she hears more from me when i am over here than when i am at home

Thank you all again
post #30 of 47
I am so sorry to hear about everyone's losses, (Chee, Colby, Hissy) among others. It is so hard to lose family members, and people who have never been through it, just don't understand the pain of it, and that it never goes away. My prayers are with you all.
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