In need of hugs!!!

More hugs from us, Eva, you will be in my prayers.

Aww Eva!

You sounded a lot better yesterday when you pm'd me as well

Hugs from me and my five

Thank you everyone for all those lovely hugs and support. It really helps to have a place where I know I can come and people care about me. You guys all feel like a big family and all your kittys are gorgeous. I am sending you all lots of hugs to you and your babies ((((((Big Hugs)))))))

Things are still really bad and I wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. D my fiance is finding it really rough too but I think its a little easier for him because he can work and get his mind of it where as I am at home all the time (due to being long term sick). Then the fact, I feel its all my fault and all this happened because of me.

I want to try and explain what is wrong but I always find it hard to talk about my feels but I'll give it a shot.

Firstly D and I lost our fourth baby, the one baby we really thought might survive. Loosing Amber was very tramatic and was a lot longer than loosing the other 3 so in ways its made it a lot harder to cope with. As well as it being our fourth loss and us getting to the point where we can't go on like this anymore.

Then there was my birthday coming up and my wedding at the end of may. The timing couldn't of been worse.

I have a lot of problems with my parents/family and I managed to excape from them at 15-16 because they drove me mad. And by that I mean that I completely lost it and was deep in depression, very sucidal and so on.....

They have hurt me a lot and I can never forgive them but I kept in touch because of my sister who I love to bits. She is 7 years old but nearly 8! I put up with so much just to have contact with my sister and let them repeatably hurt me by giving them chance after chance. Things had started to be kind of ok and I was pretending to be all nice aqnd sweet to my parents to keep everything good to keep seeing my sister. I even invited them to my wedding!!!! I thought I was nuts letting people that had hurt me all my life come but it was important that my sister was there and that was the only way.

Then my parents said they wanted to help out at the wedding, and i thought yes ok but I wanted to keep it under control. Things were going ok, with a few little problems but nothing major. My sister was really looking forward to being a bridesmaid and had even got her dress, she was so happy and excited. Well I went to see them the weekend I lost my baby, we hadn't planned it that way but it had been planned for ages and I couldn't let my sister down. So i went and coped the best I could. I hadn't seen them since before xmas so it was so nice to finally have a cuddle with my sister. The weekend seemed to be ok and off we went home on sunday.

Things then started to go terribly wrong, Although I didn't know it at first. I rang my grandma the day before my birthday (thursday 10th march) to have a chat. And the phone call started off in a very upsetting way.... She said ' I hear that you have got a lot larger and put on quite a bit of weight' And the convo went on like that. I replied 'where did you get that from?!' I was very upset and grandma replied 'Your mom, she wanted to warn me before I saw you at your wedding'. I got very upset and went quiet...Grandma said she was sorry and I changed the subject although i wasn't really there for the rest of the convo as I was very upset. After talking to her and said good bye I burst into tears...Thinking 'how dare my mom do this to me' I really was furious...and unlike me I actually rang my mom to have a go and say 'what the hell are you doing?' but no answer so i left an upset message for her telling her how dare she etc....

I heard nothing from her that night, I went out to the sea because I was so upset and distressed about what was being said and needed to cool down. I waited over night and nothing....

Then it was my birthday, and oh so happy I was

It started of really badly with an email from the make up and hair artist that was meant to be coming for a rehersal for my wedding. Basically saying she wasn't coming because she had woke up with the sniffles....I was very upset as throught this I had been looking forward to it and I think the excuse was poor. And if that wasn't enough the whole awful thing was going on with my mom and I'd still not heard from her.

I wasn't coping and I just burst into tears and couldn't stop (unlike me to cry) my parents had hurt me so much and this was not forgiveable. I could no longer fake this nice and sweet act just to stay in touch with my sister because I was getting hurt way too much. That morning on my birthday i decided to ring her after I got an email from her and she bassically didn't say she was sorry and was balming it all on grandma. She was saying how her nan had always made her un happy with her wieght etc and she wasn't going to do that to me. And I am thinking 'what the hell, you've been doing it all my life' and then she goes on with a huge subject on...guess what weight!!! I was getting more upset by the second. And I realised she had gone around all the guests she knew saying to exspect a big fat bride. I was very cross and upset and how dare she put this on my grandmad she was only repeating what she said and she is getting very old anf frail. I was not cross with grandma it was my mom that was the problem. I rang my mom, trying to brave and get my say but dad answered the phobne. i tried to talk to him but he was just as awful and stitking up for my mom and said she was asleep. te convo was nasty and upsetting me way to much so i said good bye and burst into tears.

I spoke to D my fiance and told him I couldn't go through with the wedding, not with them and what they have done. I can't handle this anymore and I couldn't turn up knowing everyone would be expecting a big fat large bride....Its meant to be the happiest day of my life and I am more un happy than ever and am not even excited or anything. I told him I still loved him but I couldn't get married then...he comforted me and said that was more than fine and we'd go and do it ourselves this year and have a nice one without them. So that was it the wedding was canceled and I felt a little better and I even emailed mom saying it was off..

So as you can see the morning of my birthday was really awful and I wanted to just cancel the whole thing, I was that upset. But D perswaded me to keep going and he took me out for the day and into the evening. It was very hard for me with being ill but I did it anyway and actually started to have a nice time at last. We got home and there was a note saying some flowers had been left for me next door so I was like *yay* and went to collect them...to find out they were from my mom. She was saying she was deeply sorry and please forgive her. The message was very aprut and felt like there was still more to say. And once again she had managed to **** me up. But it wasn't the flowers fault so i sorted them out and then had a good cry. It was going to take more than flowers to sort all this mess out. And since the flowers I have heard nothing.... Whicvh has just messed me up even more.

D took me out for the evening to get my mind of it and after a while I had a really great time and came home very drunk and went to bed. I had the best time...even though I was knakered.

It was the morning after my birthday, still heard nothing from her. Everything that had happened was in my head and I was so ****ed up. but i felt happy about canceling the wedding and D and I doing it later in the year without them.

I was really missing my sister and decided to text my brother (even though I hate him for some very valid reasons) and started of all nice and then asked if tomorrow he wanted to ring for a chat and then i could talk to him and bethany. I didn't get the nicest text back and I got very upset...bassically he was saying to sort it out with mom then i could talk to my sister.

Now right now that is never gonna happen, I can't talk to her and i think she should be the one to contact me because she has a liot more to do before I can forgive her and even if I do the wedding is still off. I miss my sister so much and kniow the result from all this might be that I'll loose contact with her...which will break me but I can't go on like this.

Things are still really bad today and I have no idea when things are going to get any better. You may think I am totally over reacting but if you were me you wouldn't....I am very very hurt....

And about the weight topic, when I exscaped from them at 15-16 i was very anarexic and it kept getting worse...I couldn't even fit into size 10 clothes. yet they wish I was still like that but I wont for them. I am trying to recover and SD since meeting him has helped me through it and I am nowe a lot better and just have to fight the urges every day and I am doing well. As you can guess I have now put on weight which I hate but thats still alot of my ED talking. And due to me being ill UI can not exercise so everything I do eat even if its healthly stays on me, plus from my last 3 pregnanacuies some were quite far on andf I still have a little weight from that too. So it really isn't my fault and I feel bad enough about it already but there is nothing I can do. And I think someone talking about weight to someone who is a recovering an eating disorder is not a brilliant idea.

Anyway thats it, I hope i described it well enough and made sense. I am sorry if it was so long but I hope you all still red it.

I am falling apart and still feel so hurt and am missing my sister so very much. I am off to go cuddle my gorgeous cats and thanks for all the hugs, I really really need them right now.

Eva

Oh eva!
I would be hurt too.
I moved out in january because i had alot of problems at home also.
My mum tells me im getting fat, she even tells my bf but we dont care, we know we need to lose weight! plus we arent that big!!!!!!!!! and NEITHER ARE YOU!
You are so pretty! plus youre ill, and because youve had pregnacies already 4, which i admire you for its okay for the weight to be there!
your family sound cruel, and i dont understand why they are like this.
Do they know youre sick?
I noticed you say you will miss your sister ect, are there any social services that you can have her instead of your mum and dad?
i would have done the same thing about cancelling the wedding and done it with out them!
I know how you feel about being hurt, but i wrote in a thread that we always forgive the people who hurt us the most because we love them so much.
Ihad to turn to tcs when i was lonely and going out of my mind and so many of them were so supportive of me that i dont think i could ever let go of tcs!
other people will give you a bit more advice than me im still trying to work out how to react to certain people.

Eva,
sending a hug your way and your in my thoughts and prayers



There's something in a simple hug
That always warms the heart;
It welcomes us back home
And makes it easier to part.


A hug's a way to share the joy
And sad times we go through,
Or just a way for friends to say
They like you 'cause you're you.


Hugs are meant for anyone
For whom we really care.
From your grandma to your neighbour --
Or a cuddly teddy bear.


A hug is an amazing thing --
It's just the perfect way
To show the love we're feeling
But can't find the words to say.


It's funny how a little hug
Makes everyone feel good;
In every place and language,
It's always understood.


And hugs don't need equipment,
Special batteries or parts -
Just open up your arms
And open up your hearts.

Eva, I can understand why you're so distressed after reading your post, and can only hope that things turn around for you. Hang in there - you'll be in my thoughts!

HUGS! and prayers being sent from Me and Mischka & Linx!

Dear Eva, well first I am sending you a big cyber hug. I am not even sure where to start but I guess I will start with the fact that the way your family treats you is not normal IMHO. If they were they would be happy that you have found someone who loves you and be happy for you, not nagging you about weight, especially since you are overcoming an eating disorder. I do not blame you in the least for being outraged and terribly upset to be treated in such a manner by your "loving family". If this is how they have treated you all your life I am surprised that you even speak to them anymore but I do understand. I have a somewhat similar situation with my father. He is an abuser and a user of people, not just me, but being his daughter makes it worse. All HE cares about is money and how someone looks. He is very fat but highly critical of my weight, even when I was not heavy he was still constantly on my about my weight, as in, "you could afford to lose some weight"...etc.. I have finally had to distance myself from him to protect myself from the hurt and abuse he hands out so freely and I will tell you that even at my age of nearly 52, I was still hoping in the back of my mind that "SOMEDAY" we could have a "normal" relationship but it is only a dream, it will NEVER happen. My heart goes out to you as I hear and feel the hurt that your "family" has caused you. The only thing I could suggest is maybe counciling would help. In my case the only thing that helped was to put my foot down and tell my dad that I would not accept any more abuse from him. I haven't heard from him yet, and I don't know if I will. But at least I gain peace of mind knowing that I will be free of his hurtful ways. I wish you the best and I will pray for you that God give you strength and peace of mind. Hugs.

Thank you Carolcat for everything you have said. I don't know if you noticed by the way I was talking but all my life I was abused by my family and then I finally exscaped. As far as I was concerned I wanted nothing to do with them but I had one problem....My sister. I love her to pieces and she is such a little angel. And don't worry my family treat her like an angel unlike me.....

My sister means so much to me and until now I just kept going through the **** they handed out to me, giving them chance after chance even though they repeatably kept abusing me. Well this particular time, I thought 'why am I taking this ****?' and stodd up for mysekf for the very first time...it was scarey but I knew I could do it because I wasn't with them any more. I was with D and he wouldn't let anyone hurt me. So i stodd up for myself and I am glad I did. I came to the realisation I couldn't keep going through this just for my sister. Because I kept getting continuely abused and hurt. So I will try and keep writing to her and hope she gets it and if not I'll have to wait till she is a little older and explain things to her and hope she understands. Because I love her so much, she means the world to me.

Things are still really tough right now because I hateb having all thats happened hang over my head. And my suposed family are playing with ym head yet again which messes me up even more. Like the day it happened, that afternoon she sent a big bunch of flowers...now that makes me feel guilty cause I feel I should of said 'i forgive you' and rang her up but I did nothing because she can not buy me. But they somehow get this hold of me even though I am no longer with them...

Anyway thanks for all your support through this because I didn't know where else to turn,

Big hugs all around

Eva x

Sending and vibes, Eva. What a lousy situation! You have every right to be upset. The consolation in it all -- and it's a big one, I should think -- is that you clearly have D's wholehearted support. That's an anchor for the present and the future; let your parents be in your past. It's a bummer that it may mean less contact with your sister, but however important that is -- and it is! -- remember that you cannot be the support to her that you want to be, if you allow yourself to be run into the ground. Take care of YOU first. And please be gentle with yourself.

Peace.

Eva, what a tough situation! Your instincts are right, however. You must take care of yourself. Even those who were abused somehow still seek the approval of their parents. Sometimes that is not possible, as hard as that is to accept.

You've done so well so far...you got out! But your mind and your body are telling you something now. Heed that advice. It sounds like you have a wonderful fiance, and you have your inner strength. Let that heal your mind, body, and spirit. It sounds like your family uses your love for your sister as a weapon and a link to you, and that's what keeps you from breaking all ties. I wish I had good advice for you there, but I don't. All I know is that in by trying to smooth things over with them, you are causing yourself great harm. Take some time to gain your strength and your health. Wrap yourself in your fiance's love (and the love of your kitties!). Let that work some magic for awhile.

Take care of you! We're all here for you!

I am so sorry Eva, and I truly wish that there was more that I could say to help you to feel better. I am very glad that you have D's support through all of this trouble. You will be in my warmest thoughts and I hope things improve for you very soon. Peace.

God gives us two legs for a reason. So we can walk away.

Eva,

I too "escaped" when I was 17. I lived in my car a bit - with two cats it was warm and toasty. It is hard to walk away, and I commend you for sticking around for your sisters sake and hopefully you can contiue some sort of interaction. I am not saying that I think you need to cut off comminucations with your parents, but you might have to for your own sanity - but only you can make that choice.

I think eloping is a wonderful idea! The two most important people are there - you and him!

If you want to talk more, just PM me.

Tracey *HUGS*