I need some advice and prayers

batgirl2good · Mar 12, 2005

My best friend has been married for 20 years or so. Her husband CAN be so sweet, but he can also be verbally and physically abusive. The verbal abuse has ALWAYS been there, but it is becoming physical, more and more.
There are 3 children: ages 16, 12, and 11. The 2 older ones are boys, the youngest is a girl.
Both of my friend's parents are dead, but she has 2 married sister's and a married brother who are aware of the situation.
Our pastor and the elders of the church also are somewhat aware of it.
My friend teaches in a Christain school and thus has no benefits or insurance.
She's taking courses to renew her certification.
She feels as if she cannot leave yet.
This is affecting her children, esp the oldest boy, who says as soon as he turns 18, he is LEAVING.

I took some pics of her rear end where he had put bruises on it. He is always careful to not hurt her where anyone can see, since that time he threw a glass of water at her, and it cut her face.

She knows where a key is to my house so she can come over. She'd park her car at a motel.

What to tell her?
I love her like a sister.

hissy · Mar 12, 2005

You can tell her to leave, but it won't do any good. When you are in a situation like that you are terrified by the abuser and the threats against you are real. She has to leave when she is ready and even though you are worried about her, all you can do is give her outside resources she can go to when it gets really bad. It will escalate and hopefully soon she will leave before it is to late for her-

batgirl2good · Mar 12, 2005

Thanks, hissy. I am not telling her to elave. She has told me that she needs someone to listen and not fuss at her.
I appreciate the response.

darkeyedgirl · Mar 12, 2005

The most unfortunate part is how the kids will be affected. The boys will think it's okay to yell at women & throw things, and the girl will accept that boys yell & throw things. They will all wind up in abusive relationships themselves once they're grown & gone, whether they are the abuser or the abusee. And the pattern will repeat itself over and over, unless they get help.

Same with your best friend. Even if/when she does leave the jerk, she will likely wind up with the same type of guy; an insecure little man with no self esteem. That's why he calls her names & that's why the abuse is escalating. He might sense she's thinking of leaving, and once the kids are grown & gone, she has no real reason to stay! So he's grasping at air on the way down.

I've seen it before, and I know what happens when the woman gets out. She chooses the same type of little guy who wants nothing but to find someone he can push off his demons on.

Hopefully you can continue to be there for her and listen to her. She needs to continue to take pictures of the bruises & cuts, she really should write everything down for when she DOES leave. That way she will have it right there in black and white to look at every day as to what type of man he 'really was' and what type of man she needs to steer clear from!

Best Wishes.

batgirl2good · Mar 12, 2005

Hey, I like the idea of the journal. She would have to hide it from him, though.
Thanks!

Originally Posted by darkeyedgirl

The most unfortunate part is how the kids will be affected. The boys will think it's okay to yell at women & throw things, and the girl will accept that boys yell & throw things. They will all wind up in abusive relationships themselves once they're grown & gone, whether they are the abuser or the abusee. And the pattern will repeat itself over and over, unless they get help.

Same with your best friend. Even if/when she does leave the jerk, she will likely wind up with the same type of guy; an insecure little man with no self esteem. That's why he calls her names & that's why the abuse is escalating. He might sense she's thinking of leaving, and once the kids are grown & gone, she has no real reason to stay! So he's grasping at air on the way down.

I've seen it before, and I know what happens when the woman gets out. She chooses the same type of little guy who wants nothing but to find someone he can push off his demons on.

Hopefully you can continue to be there for her and listen to her. She needs to continue to take pictures of the bruises & cuts, she really should write everything down for when she DOES leave. That way she will have it right there in black and white to look at every day as to what type of man he 'really was' and what type of man she needs to steer clear from!

Best Wishes.

catherine · Mar 12, 2005

The journal will also be a huge asset in court. The judge will be able to review it and see this man for who he really is. It may even help her obtain alimony and/or a little more than 1/2 of everything.

If nothing else, the journal should help to keep this man away from the children unless supervised. He should really be kept away from that young little girl.....at any time his anger could turn to her.

I hope your friend soon finds the strength to move on.

And I know you will continue to be the friend she needs at this time.

batgirl2good · Mar 12, 2005

I wish that would happen!

Originally Posted by catherine

The journal will also be a huge asset in court. The judge will be able to review it and see this man for who he really is. It may even help her obtain alimony and/or a little more than 1/2 of everything.

If nothing else, the journal should help to keep this man away from the children unless supervised. He should really be kept away from that young little girl.....at any time his anger could turn to her.

I hope your friend soon finds the strength to move on.

And I know you will continue to be the friend she needs at this time.

dmcwlvssr · Mar 12, 2005

Just be there for her! Hugs to you and her! prayers being sent!

rita · Mar 12, 2005

Originally Posted by darkeyedgirl

Same with your best friend. Even if/when she does leave the jerk, she will likely wind up with the same type of guy; an insecure little man with no self esteem.

You pretty much said it all in your post but I don't agree with this part at all. I, and I'm sure many others, choose a totally different partner.

sadie · Mar 12, 2005

hi..I'm new but your story struck a chord with me...I just wanted to suggest that your friend might want to talk to a therapist. It's true that victims tend to gravitate toward the same kind of person that had abused them before, for a number of reasons, but it might help her to talk to someone objective about her problems and get some guidance for the future. And you're such a great friend for being there for her and listening and supporting her. Everyone should be so lucky as to have someone like you to lean on.

mrsd · Mar 12, 2005

Bless you for being her friend.

rosiemac · Mar 12, 2005

Bobbie she has to realise unless she walks away this isn't going to go away and it could get worse

You've said it's affecting the children as well, well it's not fair on them to have them in that environment either.

sadie · Mar 12, 2005

also, I wanted to say that of course not everyone does choose the same kind of partner afterwards and I didn't mean to generalize.

I need some advice and prayers

batgirl2good

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