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Prayers or good vibes please?

post #1 of 21
Thread Starter 
Hi everyone, just hoping for some prayers or good vibes/courage today. My husband has his first pre-op visit on his foot surgery (he is doing good) and then after I find out what's going on, I need to call my father about his request to move back out here for me to take care of again . I have done this before and it is a disaster. He and I have never gotten along and without going into gruesom details, I can hardly stand to be around him at all. I will just leave it at he is very abusive, both mentally and physically. He has alienated EVERYONE else in the family, so now is again trying to weasel his way back for me to deal with because NO ONE ELSE wants to have anything to do with him, and I don't either. I have tried to help him in the past and he treated me like dirt. I know he is my father and I try to respect him and honor him as much as I can, but I feel like jumping off the nearest cliff at the thoughts of having him back to terrorize on me yet again. If you can spare any prayers or good thoughts for me, I would really appreciate them as I am going to have to get the guts up to call him back and tell him how I feel and hope that he will stay where he is and leave me alone. Thanks guys.....
post #2 of 21
Aw hun, you've got some real good "be strong" vibes coming your way. You've just got to put your foot down on this one. If he treated you that badly last time, why should you try again, save that he is your father? In this day and age, it's funny to think how little that means. To be respected, he has to give respect and earn his in return. If he has alienated everyone else, it kinda speaks for itself. coming your way from me! Oh and tell hop-along-Cassidy to keep his chin up, eh?
post #3 of 21
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by LilleKat
Aw hun, you've got some real good "be strong" vibes coming your way. You've just got to put your foot down on this one. If he treated you that badly last time, why should you try again, save that he is your father? In this day and age, it's funny to think how little that means. To be respected, he has to give respect and earn his in return. If he has alienated everyone else, it kinda speaks for itself. coming your way from me! Oh and tell hop-along-Cassidy to keep his chin up, eh?
Thanks, I guess I am just feeling bad that after all these years (I am now almost 52) our relationship has never changed and he never stopped being the abuser that he has always been. And I will tell hub you wish him well too . Wondering what the doctor will say, if hubs cheating will show??
post #4 of 21
prayers and crossed paws!! keep us informed
post #5 of 21
Lots of 'be strong' thoughts from this way too. I have similar people in my life. It's hard to say what you really mean, but sometimes it's the best way. My aunt like that told me that she was done being angry. Done fighting. Her bf had just passed away.

Sometimes people will change, sometimes when they push everyone away from them, and nobody wants to be near them anymore, it reinforces how they feel about themselves. It also reinforces their anger, etc. (My assumption based on a family member of mine ) Sometimes they won't change.

I hope that you can say what you need to. I also hope everything works out for the best.
post #6 of 21
heeheehee well, you know what men are like with doctors. Usually they refuse to go and see a doc until they're nearly dead. Some people are born aggresive and stay that way all of their lives. Not necessarily physically, but even psychologically they can be incredibly damaging. Definitely time to stand up to him and tell him how you've felt for the last god knows how many years. I don't envy the position you're in, but I know that you can get through it You're a strong person and just think of it this way, if you don't tell him now, you're going to finish up with this guy impinging on your home-life again. You can definitely do without that! Do let me know how it goes
post #7 of 21
Sending good vibes...
post #8 of 21
On Carol, sending you some good vibes
That is such a tough position that your father is putting you in. But you should be honest (IMO) and tell him that you do not deserve the treatment that he gives you and you will not put up with it any more. Maybe once he realizes that he's burned all of his bridges, he'll be inspired to get the help he needs to learn how to treat people with love and respect.
Hope your husband's surgery goes well and that he has a speedy recovery!
post #9 of 21
Of course, I'll send you calming and be strong vibes to deal with your dad, and healing vibes for your husband...
post #10 of 21
Reading your post is like listening to a girl i work with who is in the same situation with her father

He goes to her house once a week where she does his washing and cooks him tea, but all the time she can't stand him being there after what he put them through.

I asked her why does she have him at the house?, but she said the rest of the family want nothing to do with him and because of his moods he's lost all his friends as well so she's doing what she does out of pity and nothing more.

I know it's her father but if he can't show her any respect?!.

Good luck with him, but remember!, no one is worth getting stressed over!

Sending((((positive vibes)))) for hubby as well
post #11 of 21
Thread Starter 
Dear Friends, thank you for all the kind words, prayers and encouragement.I need all the help I can get. I should add that it is my husband's first POST op visit, he has already had the surgery and is doing well, we think. We will find out for sure this afternoon. He will be off of work for the next 3 months if things go GOOD so I already have my hands full since he is not supposed to be on it for more than 5 minutes at this time, the rest of the time he is supposed to be sitting or laying in bed with foot proped up! But even if he weren't "under the weather" I would still feel the same way about my father, I do pity him, but he brings stress and unhappiness with him wherever he goes and he has the worst temper that I have ever seen, not to mention that he ENJOYS throwing a fit and behaving like an @ss . For some reason that I have NEVER been able to figure out he seems to think that he is KING of the world and everyone else was put here to be his slaves, especially ME. He treats everyone like used TP and when they find out how he is and tell him to get lost he moves on to the next "victim" on his list. But now he has used up ALL of the names and so he is back to me because he has always bullied and abused me and thinks it is his RIGHT to do so because I am his daughter and he has always treated me like this. Sorry, I guess now that I am whineing and venting. This is really hard for me because I was raised to respect and honor my parents and I have been afraid of my dad all of my life. It doesn't help that he is 6' 5" almost and weighs about 300 pounds, he is quite intimidating physically and takes advantage of it. Please forgive me for rambling on, I don't know what I would do without the love and support of the kind people of this forum because you give me so much support and strength in my time of need. I hope that I can be there for all of you if you ever are in need like you have been for me. Thanks again and hugs to all of you.
post #12 of 21
I'm glad your husband is recovering so well now, and pray for a good report today and many more to follow! I'm so sorry you are having this present situation with your father. You're already having such stress in your life, this is just not the time for you to have to deal with this also.I pray that you will feel strength to best handle this difficult time. Sending lots of love and hugs your way!
post #13 of 21
Sweet Carol - honoring thy mother and father only goes so far! One has to assume firstly that they are WORTHY of honor!

Your father clearly is not WORTHY of your honor nor your respect! If any other person treated you the way your father does, would you put up with it? If the answer is NO (and I suspect it is), then let him know in straight honest language that you would not allow anyone else to treat you that way and that from now on you will not allow him to either.

I would let him know that you will be there for him as long as he shows you the respect you deserve and if he doesn't then he is no longer welcome in your home or your life and make sure you mean it and he understands that you mean it.

Sometimes bullies (and that's what he is) just need you to stand up for yourself and they will automatically respect you more.

I don't know you, but through this site I have come to love you in a way and I can't bear to see you in such agony. My strong vibes and hugs and all the good stuff is coming your way to help you be strong and deal with this big bully.
post #14 of 21
Of course, I will pray! Let us know who it turns out!
Are you ok?
post #15 of 21
Awww Carol you are in my thoughts!
post #16 of 21
I just wanted to point out that you are in no way whining. You are sharing your feelings and trials with people who care about you and your situation. If you are calling what you are doing 'whining', then sheesh, I must BELLOW when I am relating my complaints,,LOL. Sweetheart, good vibes coming for your husband, I am sure all wil be well. Your father is another story,,I do not have any advice for you in regards to him, because you say he's always been this way. Some folks never change. Just out of curiousity, and I dont know your exact situation, but could you possibly distance yourself from him. You do not deserve to be treated with such disrespect. Good luck and God bless!!!
post #17 of 21
Your father sounds like a brat. If he wants honor, he needs to act more honorable. Nope, he doesn't have to be perfect, but he does have to TRY to be decent! 'Getting along with others' used to be on report cards. Tell him he gets an 'F' with a face!

Hope your husband does well. And I would use him as an excuse if you don't have the nerve to tell him your real feelings. But if you have the nerve, send him the 'F' grade.
post #18 of 21
Carol, You are in my prayers. Glad hubby is doing better!
post #19 of 21
Carol, no one deserves to be treated like your father seems to be treating you. The next time he calls, just tell him no. If he pushes for an explanation, tell him you don't like him or the way he treats you. If you need me to be there to hold your hand while you do, just let me know! I've dealt with bullies all my life and I've learned to deal with them. (Well, actually I'm better in print since I still cringe when I talk back, unless you get what my S/O calls my Italian MOMMA mad. Then all h*ll breaks loose!)

Remember, he isn't there in front of you so its easier to speak your mind! He can't do anything but make sounds over the phone...and you can hang up on that!
post #20 of 21
Ok carol, I'm starting to get a wee bit worried here.......you haven't updated us, and missed our regular lunchtime chat......is everything ok out there, cyber-sis?
post #21 of 21
Carol, I'm glad to hear that your husband seems to be doing well, and send him lots of healing vibes.

As for your father, let me just say that it's hard enough to take an elderly parent into your home and care for him, when you have a good relationship -- I know -- I've been there. No parent has the right to expect you to take that on, if he is not going to be decent with you. It sounds as if there is little likelihood that he will be any different than he has been previously, but I think Yosemite had the best appoach. At any rate, please be strong, and don't let him manipulate you into another abusive situation. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
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