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post #1 of 9
Thread Starter 
My mom has instigated another argument. She called @ 10:30 last night, asking about them (my mom & dad) coming over on Saturday. I said I didn't know what we were doing, and she starting yelling at me, etc. She said to me "I feel like you don't give a damn about me anymore!" And, then went on to threaten me saying if I want to find out what it's like not to have a family, then I will find out. I tried reasoning with her, but she didn't want to listen. Oh, and then she hung up on me. I am just tired of all the bull---- that she is pulling on me. I did nothing last time, and I did nothing last night.

Sorry, but I needed to vent this again.
post #2 of 9
Oh Tigger, I feel for you!

I had a very tumultuos (sp) relationship with my Mom for years. She was buried deep in the bottle, and married a man who was even worse than she was, and who also beat her, and me occasionally until I left.
I found myself feeling guilty for leaving her, and ended up with men like my "step Dad"(gag). It took several years, and a lot of arguments, but we are very close now.
I just had to finally take charge of ME, and be happy, and not feel responsible or guilty for her unhappiness and anger...and somehow everything just kinda fell into place. It didn't happen overnight, but it happened.

I wish you the best, don't beat yourself up over this, you deserve to be happy and calm!
post #3 of 9
That really sucks! One thing you need to factor in is as they get older, some adults do appear to loose their minds and do things that they find perfectly acceptable while others do not. Maybe it is time to just walk away for awhile? She sounds like an unhappy camper and very toxic to your well-being. She may just be lonely and scared and feeling her mortality right now because of Sept. 11th but who is to say what is really going on?

I love both my parents deeply, but I also know that I can't spend time with them together for any longer than a day before the conflicts begin. Seperately we are fine together but together we are an explosion waiting to happen.
post #4 of 9
I consider myself very fortunate to have two very supportive parents. However a dear friend of mine was in a very similar situation for a very long time before she decided for her own sanity and the sanity of her wonderful family to cut the ties with what she considered a cancer that was slowly killing her. She told me that it took her a very long time and a hrad path to come to this conclusion since she always wanted to try and try again to "please/be the child her parent wanted".
She never could!

I really admire her - She is a very strong/brave person but she is still is very sad about the whole thing. As a whole I can see a change for the positive in her. Like a big load that was drowning her was lifted.

Has she left a door open in her mind to left her parent back in in case their paths cross again - I think yes - but i think she is not counting on it.

You need to do what is best for you and your family. All the best and chin up!!!
post #5 of 9
If you don't mind, how old was your friend when she made that decision?
post #6 of 9

Tigger, this seems to be a habit with your Mom...I'm sorry to hear this again. This may put some pressure on you and obviously no one needs anymore than we already create for ourselves, not to mention outside static...ie...job, mom, traffic...etc...there's too much in one day that we have to deal with.

It's too bad she doesn't understand that you have a life of your own and whatever your decisions you make to include your parents in your life at this point, may not be what they want to hear. It's hard for a parent to let go hon. I've never been a parent, but I have the same kind of Mom!!! YEP..drives me wacko, but I know that she does love me and I'm all she "thinks" she has. Your Mom has your Dad; hey that's a good thing!

Seems they should start hanging out together more often... Rekindle a love affair?? Maybe sugest something like that? Just a thought.

We all go separate ways to a degree, some more than others; I try to keep it in some type of perspective (whatever that is..haha..it seems to change from day to day!)

I hope that your Mom discovers that you're not a little girl, but instead a married woman and your marriage is first and foremost. Mom needs a chill pill...hey, she have any cats?

Might be a good time to introduce her a new adopted baby kitty Seriously!

Love ya,
post #7 of 9
Poor Tig! Nobody needs that.

Maybe next time you can beat her to the hang up. Sort of, "Mom, I'm not going to talk to you if you can't be civil" and hang up. Then if she calls back let it go to voicemail.

Hubby often checks caller ID on our phone because his dad is a needy person. He is a Viet Nam vet with a disability going through a divorce, and he is also depressed (like hubby). He's not abusive, just draining. Sometimes hubby just looks at me and says, "I can't deal with it tonight, I don't want to talk to him." It's one of the healthiest things he does for himself.
post #8 of 9
To answer your question she was 37 at that time.

Sometimes she compares it to pulling weeds that take over your life.

post #9 of 9
Tigger, I understand totally.

When I was 35, I finally had to cut the ties with my parents. As much as I loved them, they were emotional vampires, leaning on me for everything, not giving me any room for my own life. Also, the guilt trips they would try to put on me worked my whole life, and got to a point where I developed a panic disorder. That is when I said STOP.
I had given them numerous signs and discussions about how I was married, with things to do, and I could not be there emotionally for them 24/7. The did not want to hear me, and therefore this led up to my breakdown, and the severing of ties.

I am now (as I understand through my cousin) the most ungrateful, selfish, awful child ever!

I still love my parents very much, but in the last 3 years, (I'm 38 now), I have HEALED a great deal. My husband says I am a different person, more confidence, panic attacks much better, and I am not on edge about pleasing my parents all the time, just so I won't hurt their feelings. It is clear they did not care about my feelings.

Anyway.....I babble. Tigger, you need to do what is right for YOU.
It is a difficult and devastating decision how to deal with one's parents when these things come up. But my opinion is you cannot let your parents run your life emotionally. You will suffer greatly, and it will only get worse.

I went in to therapy, and that helped a great deal. Made me see that I was not a bad person, and that I had to take care of myself, and how irrational my parents were being. Perhaps therapy could help you? Or just talking about it like you are doing here, feeling the support and advice of all these wonderful people, that what you are going through is VERY common, and there is nothing wrong with YOU taking care of YOU.

I am not saying you must sever ties. I am simply saying that different situations call for different ways of handling. Perhaps there is a way you can work out with your parents an understanding that you have a life, and things need to change between all of you. But if this situation is causing you distress, you must try to find a solution, and not feel guilty. (although I know that is so hard to do).

I send you love and compassion.

If you would like to talk, either e-mail me, VJoyArt@aol.com, post a private message, or a phone number, and I will talk to you anytime, if I can help.
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