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post #1 of 12
Thread Starter 
I did a thread about how my mother wrote me a letter about a month or so ago. Anyways, I ended up going to her b-day bash. Really fun, let me tell ya. I told her how I felt & she said she'd try to understand more... blah blah blah. When it came to the question where my husband was..... she blew up, saying he shoulda been there out of respect for her, after I told her how he felt about things. This was about 2 minutes before her friends showed up! Anyways, before I left, she said I shouldn't hold a gruge. Well, that is all fine & dandy, but I won't forget what she wrote to me. She said that sometimes that is her only way to communicate to me. To make a long story short, she started to call me more, but then it has gone back to the way it has always been! It will be 2 weeks this Friday that they haven't called me. Sometimes it irritates me, and other times I could care less. I know that I did my part, and it is obvious my parents won't change for me, or understand how I feel. Please don't critizise me for not callling them, etc. because I don't deserve it. I don't need to hear about how one day they won't be here. I am just venting because it irritates me sometimes. I told my husband.... When is the next letter going to show up in the mail??? My point is this: I am tired of being the one to do stuff (i.e. calling to make peace, doing stuff for people when nothing is done in return for me, etc).

Oh well! On a good note: tomorrow we only have to work half a night!! Which means 4 1/2 days off for us! YIPPEEE!! We decided to use half a nights worth of vacation!! I will be so happy when tonight (over at 6a) is over with, and then when we come in tonight 7pn, we have to only work 4 hrs! The cats will be so happy to see us!
post #2 of 12
Tigger - I'm so sorry you have these problems with your mother. I definitely won't tell you that you need to be calling her more often. Sounds like you've done all you can do, and she's the one that needs to be making some changes.

Enjoy your days off!
post #3 of 12
Well, you're right, they're not going to change for you, they can only change for themselves. And if they think everything is just fine on their end, there's nothing you can do.

Still really stinks to deal with, tho'.

You did / are doing your best. You need to take care of yourself and remember that your loyalty is to your hubby now, not them. Kids are not obligated to their parents, even though parents try to make them feel that way. It's not a reciprocal relationship. You don't owe them (and once you can take care of yourself, they don't owe you), esp. after you're an adult. Usually the benefits of the relationship make it worth keeping up, but every now and then that just ain't so. There is no reason to feel guilty if you want to see less of them, since this is a toxic relationship for you.

You have enough on your plate without exposing yourself to more crap. Do what you have to do to take care of yourself.

Peace & joy
post #4 of 12
I am fighting this same scenario with my mother right now. I had hoped with the wtc tragedy she would have a softening of the heart, but it didn't happen. It is hurtful, but what I want to tell you is you can't take it personally. My mother is 82 years old and she should of never had any kids. Back then, there was no choice though and it was *expected* It it their problem and not ours, even though that is a hard pill to swallow, it is so true. Hang in there and if you need to talk to someone who is going through this type of crap- just email me. Holidays are particulary rough for me as the whole family gets together without my husband or I being invited. But confronting her about it results in this ::argue and it simply isn't worth it anymore
post #5 of 12
NOT commenting on Tiggers situation at all. I'm just commenting on sunlions comment about not owing your parents anything. I don't disagree with that because every situation is different, but I feel like I can't even begin to repay the debt I owe to my parents. I have a different situation and point of view.

I'm adopted. I was lucky enough to have been adopted in a household where I was encouraged, and constantly told there was nothing I couldn't accomplish if I set my mind to it. It was never 'if' you go to college, it was 'when'. Not that there weren't bad times. My parents divorced, my mom died after a long drawn out painful battle with cancer & wasted away before my eyes, I have butted heads with my father repeatedly, and for awhile our relationship was strained at best. I found my birth mother, and I respect her for her decision. I can't tell you how much gratitude I have to my adoptive parents. They WANTED me, the treated me like THIER daughter, not an outsider. I never once felt like they could love me anymore than they did. They gave me a sense of self-respect, values, morals, and I am who I am because of them.

I can never repay that, and I owe my dad everything (and my mom, God rest her soul) because I am who I am, because of him. (and my beautiful mom) I have no idea what my life would be like if they hadn't taken me in and loved me. I thank God for them everyday.

I'm going to go call my dad right now and tell him how much I love and appreciate him.
post #6 of 12
AP, your story brings tears to my eyes!!
I also have a wonderful relationship w/ my parents. They are the bsst. And I really feel for those of you who can't experience that. I hope and pray for you that someday it may change. Everyone should be blessed with parents who are also their best friends.
post #7 of 12
One of the things we all must remember when thinking about our parents is that just because one gave up some sperm and one got a cell fertilized, having a baby doesn't miraculously turn them into wonderful people. If they were people with psychological problems before they had a baby, they will be people with psychological problems after having the baby. So...although this is difficult, if we stop thinking of them as parents (which has all kinds of wonderful connotations such as parents do no wrong, so if my parents treat me bad, it must be because I am bad) and just think of them as people, there won't be as much stress.

Also...just like you would avoid neighbors who treat you like *%#@, why force yourself to be around other people (parents) who treat you like *%#@? Sometimes a person needs to avoid their parents in order to maintain their own mental health!
post #8 of 12
I feel for you. I went thru a similar period with my parents, but we get along fine now. The important thing that I had to do for me was be true to myself. Your parent's are dealing with their own issues and while you have to respect that, you don't have to respect how they make you feel. You are worthy of their respect as well as they are of yours. If they don't respect you, then if you have to distance yourself to remain "whole" then do so. Try to explain how you feel. It seems your mother likes letters - write her one. Try not to be accusatory - use "I" statements. (eg "I feel....when you...") Parents are worth the effort. Hope I don't sound too preachy
post #9 of 12

I didn't mean that children don't appreciate what their parents did for them. But you reached the conclusion on your own that your parents did wonderful things for you, right? Some parents constantly remind their child of everything they've done for them and that they expect it to be paid back in some way. And since they feel owed on some level, nothing the child ever does will be enough. (By child I am describing the relationship, not the age. I am still my parents' child even tho' I'm over 35 and clearly an adult.)

When my mom was dying of cancer, I quit college to take care of her. My extended family was quite surprised because it wasn't expected. I didn't do it because I was "supposed" to or because she took care of me so I should take care of her or because I "owed" her for giving birth to me. I did it because she was my mom and I wanted to and that's what families do. At least as far as I'm concerned.

But some people are not healthy to be around and sometimes those people have children. It stinks because the parents never deal with their own issues about boundaries or expectations or neediness or control, they just dump it all on their children. And sometimes the healthiest thing the children can do is to push their parents away. It's sad, but it's a reality. Still, perhaps they can learn at 60 what they didn't learn at 16, given the right circumstances and motivation.

You are very fortunate to have wonderful parents who love you, and they are equally fortunate to have a child who appreciates them. I'm sure your dad enjoyed his phone call.
post #10 of 12

I knew exactly what you meant by your post. I wasn't trying to dispute it. I was just expressing how I feel.

I understand that not everyone grew up the way I did (whether that's a good or bad thing) that every situation is different. That one line, struck a cord with me about my situation and I was sharing that. that's all.

I didn't mean to make you feel you had to defend your words or explain them. I understood what you meant and respect it. I get why it's healthier sometimes to not have your parents in your life.
post #11 of 12

That's okay. I just wanted to clarify in case, no biggie for me. You can't always tell online what people are feeling. Didn't mean to give the impression I thought you didn't get it, rather, thought I might have been unclear about something.

post #12 of 12
I'm not sure if I should even say anything here. I don't want to say the wrong thing or have anyone upset at me...but my feelings remain the same on this issue.... and I HAVE been there...so noone can say that I am speaking from inexperience.
I agree with what everyone is saying....some people make horrible parents and should never have children, and put their children through much undue distress. I know. My mother was that way....the things she said to me when I was growing up were horrible, so much so, that I won't even print them here. But looking back, now that she is dead, I realize she had a really bad mental disorder, and it may not have been her fault that she treated me the way she did. We were never close, and I now regret that.
On the other hand, my father was an and I can nor ever will find one bad thing ot say about that man, and I miss him terribly.
Tigger, I feel for your situation, and I am sorry your parents are treating you so bad, I sincerely mean that. I am just saying that in my case, I do wish I had a chance to work it out somehow, while mom was still here. That may not work in your case, and I am not judging you, at all. Please don't take this wrong.
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