Whack the side of the head...what to do?

I have a friend who used to describe that unforeseen jab or verbal attack by a "friend" as like getting a "Whack the side of the head", that you didn't see it coming, and thus what the hell do you do about it?

Ok, excuse my rant but I had a recent whack and I am not sure if I should just walk away or tell this friend off etc.

I have a group of friends with whom I have a reunion once a year (some of us see each other more than that but as a group its a once a year reunion) We change locations of this all the time, since three live a bit farther a way it can get unfair(there are 12 of us total). But this year it's closer to the minority three. Well my best friends out of the group can't go this year due to either money or job (we all float in and out, not a problem..) and so I asked one of the ones who lives farther away if she was going to go, because that would give me incentive. She wasn't sure, then I casually mentioned how it's too bad she couldn't come up our way instead (she really likes one of the members who can't attend) and she went off on me, true via email but I was shocked. The thing is I noted she hasn't been responding to my emails for awhile now, so I suspect she is angry at me for something prior (have no idea what but she is really high strung) She was so angry saying "why are we the ones who always have to travel?" and how "sick ofthis she was" I felt attacked and I was really just trying to be nice, hoping to get to see her. She kept saying I had some ulterior motive, and was "nagging" her and not anyone else. I didn't really stand up for myself after but instead decided to just not attend the event. But now I feel bullied out of it.

What would you do? My sense is that she doesn't care and if I say something she will just yell back. I think it's just doomed...

I'm so sorry about your friend , I know I don't know you, and you don't know me, but I send a hug your way (sorry, I don't know the huggy smiley yet).

What I would do, is wait a couple of days, for you both to calm down, and maybe write an email back, not arguing, or angry, just simply explaining where you were coming from, and tell her simply how it made you feel when she got so angry.

you could leave it open at the end, like "I am willing to discuss this/work it out if you are" and then the ball's in her court.

After that, I don't know, but if you want to go to this reunion, don't feel bullied out of it. Just go, try to have a good time and visit with everyone else. I hope this helps at all, and I wish you lots of good luck, Mandi

Wow that does seem kinda strange.... I suspect she's probably had something more stressful on her mind and the thought of travelling has just given her something to let that frustration out. It just so happened you were in the firing line I'd do as Mandi has suggested and leave her to cool down for a bit. Just explain that you weren't looking to get her there for an ulterior motive, that you only want to see her, but you'd understand if she doesn't want to come out that way. I think she has overreacted - and possibly now she'll be realising this but is feeling a bit off and won't want to admit it either! Just stick with it, go to the reunion and have fun with the people who will be there. You don't have to spend time in her company if you don't feel comfortable. Who knows, you might even get an apology out of her. It seems just a little rash to have blown up at you, for something that was only an innocent remark. My aunt is like that - and frankly, I have nothing to do with her any more, because she did the very same thing to me for years and I got fed up of being a doormat. I'm a person, not something for angry people to wipe their feet on I'm sure it'll all work out - if not, in the long run it may not be such a great loss. You've other people around you who love you and aren't prone to random explosions

I wish you wouldn't allow the selfish remarks of a friend to prevent you from attending an event you would truly enjoy. It really hurts to hear something like that from a friend. Often, though, we take out our stress or frustrations on those for whom we care the most. Is it possible that her anger had nothing to do with you at all, but that you were there and thus bore the brunt of it? Perhaps you could move on as if that conversation never took place the next time you communicate? or, you could always ask her about what took place in a nonconfrontational manner to talk it out and get to the bottom of it? I really hope this experience doesn't ruin what was once a good friendship or keep you from seeing others whose company you enjoy.

It sounds like they feel part of a lesser clique then the people who do not have to travel. In high school maybe they had to deal with feelings of not belonging or not fitting in and this reuinion has awakened those feelings and they lashed out at you, the person asking them to travel to see others instead of others traveling to see them. Maybe?

Thanks everyone, yes I think a follow up email (with no expectations about response or type of response) is best to clear the air.

As pointed out< i do think she does feel second class with this group, but that is the ironic thing, I was one hoping to *see* her. She used to be one of the most enthusiastic about the reunions, but now has soured (not sure why...)

Is it possible that you are hurt and angry? I'm just asking because I would be. I would email her that I missed her and wanted to find a way to see her at this event, but didn't realize how much it bothered her that she was doing so much traveling. I would also point out that the suggestion that I had an ulterior motive hurt my feelings.

Originally Posted by Rockcat

Is it possible that you are hurt and angry? I'm just asking because I would be. I would email her that I missed her and wanted to find a way to see her at this event, but didn't realize how much it bothered her that she was doing so much traveling. I would also point out that the suggestion that I had an ulterior motive hurt my feelings.

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Thanks, I did write to her. For what it's worth, I tried to just keep the air clear. Sigh, life is just hard lately for people I think. I am not letting her off the hook but I want to be the bigger person.

Originally Posted by Marge

Thanks, I did write to her. For what it's worth, I tried to just keep the air clear. Sigh, life is just hard lately for people I think. I am not letting her off the hook but I want to be the bigger person.

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I hope it helps.