A short while ago I got into an acrimonious fight with my father (again).... just the usual. The most colorful words in the dictionary of the Royal Spanish Academy, insults, screaming around... oh, the works. Mostly on his side, while I am trying to ride it out and hold my sanity together until its over. This is all very common. Mostly its caused by the fact that both of my parents, are 99% of the time angry enough to be one step away from a tantrum. So I can upset any one of the two with anything, provided they are in the mood.
Perhaps the worst fights are between each other.
The main problem with it, is that for years, for as long as I can remember I dare say, their marriage has been so sour, its dead in everything but some legal paperwork, which I honestly wonder how on earth is it that it hasn't happened long ago. They are in the state of hating each other and actually avoiding each other even inside the house most of the time. Don't get me wrong about them. I love them, and I know far too well how much they love me, and truth is, I owe to them more than what most people owe their parents. But at the same time, they are the type of parents, where the best way to keep the relationship a loving one, is to be living in separate countries, and be meeting only when everyone is feeling alright, if you understand what I mean.
Now, I wouldn't be so mindful about this all, if it wasn't its always been the chief cause of my old depression,
and the main reason that the only thing that keeps me stable are the anti depressants I've been taking for like four and a half months. The truth, its a living nightmare most of the time (Anyone here who ever wondered why I keep so many, many things a secret from my parents and talk to them about as little as possible of my life has got his answer here). The medication has done wonders (in fact, I haven't ever had thoughts of suicide or any similar stuff in all that time), but still it doesn't feel like enough....
After it was over, I just kinda locked myself, and cried a while. Afterwards, I started thinking... angry, heavy duty angry, but just thinking in a very reflective mood. A thought came to me.... I have two options here: I can just sit down crying like I've been and hope that some miracle is going to happen thats gonna make things all better.... or actually try to do something about it. Thats when I started to just sit and think... indeed. It doesn't feel like enough because it is not.... thats whats missing here.... some extra determination, and thats something I have to spare.
Thats when I just sit thinking like "Okay, if my parents constant fighting accounts for like nine tenths of my problems, then what do I need to do to stop being with them 24/7.... okay, thats easy, finish my studies as soon as possible, and keep on with my plans to study out of the country." In the meantime, I really need to apply myself a tad more in the studies so as to finish them as quickly as possible. And prioritize. I can't save a marriage that is already six feet under. I can save my sanity, though.
My thoughts went through a bit of the first meeting of my psychiatrist over four months ago who at that meeting already suggested the idea of hospitalization. I rejected it point blank and told him that if he dared mention that again, I was changing for another doctor. But I was still angry, and ended up smashing a glass in which I was drinking water in a rage of thinking along the lines of "I will show everyone.... I'm going to get through this mess, and outlive anyone who dared to think I was going to die an early death by attempting something stupid - starting by my psychiatrist."
This is the first time I had been feeling like this -not only depressed, but angry in a determination to get it better-. And experience tells me I might forget this feeling in quite a while. I even got to sit down and write all those thoughts into my computer in a similar fashion to a resolution. And right now, while I feel calmer I am feeling like its one of those promises that its gonna stick around in my heart for a while. Heck, I don't even know if I am thinking straight right now. I feel the urgent need for advice... thats what I am writing for mostly, because I really do not know what to do, or if I am doing the right thing.
The main problem with it, is that for years, for as long as I can remember I dare say, their marriage has been so sour, its dead in everything but some legal paperwork, which I honestly wonder how on earth is it that it hasn't happened long ago. They are in the state of hating each other and actually avoiding each other even inside the house most of the time. Don't get me wrong about them. I love them, and I know far too well how much they love me, and truth is, I owe to them more than what most people owe their parents. But at the same time, they are the type of parents, where the best way to keep the relationship a loving one, is to be living in separate countries, and be meeting only when everyone is feeling alright, if you understand what I mean.
Now, I wouldn't be so mindful about this all, if it wasn't its always been the chief cause of my old depression,
After it was over, I just kinda locked myself, and cried a while. Afterwards, I started thinking... angry, heavy duty angry, but just thinking in a very reflective mood. A thought came to me.... I have two options here: I can just sit down crying like I've been and hope that some miracle is going to happen thats gonna make things all better.... or actually try to do something about it. Thats when I started to just sit and think... indeed. It doesn't feel like enough because it is not.... thats whats missing here.... some extra determination, and thats something I have to spare.
Thats when I just sit thinking like "Okay, if my parents constant fighting accounts for like nine tenths of my problems, then what do I need to do to stop being with them 24/7.... okay, thats easy, finish my studies as soon as possible, and keep on with my plans to study out of the country." In the meantime, I really need to apply myself a tad more in the studies so as to finish them as quickly as possible. And prioritize. I can't save a marriage that is already six feet under. I can save my sanity, though.
My thoughts went through a bit of the first meeting of my psychiatrist over four months ago who at that meeting already suggested the idea of hospitalization. I rejected it point blank and told him that if he dared mention that again, I was changing for another doctor. But I was still angry, and ended up smashing a glass in which I was drinking water in a rage of thinking along the lines of "I will show everyone.... I'm going to get through this mess, and outlive anyone who dared to think I was going to die an early death by attempting something stupid - starting by my psychiatrist."
This is the first time I had been feeling like this -not only depressed, but angry in a determination to get it better-. And experience tells me I might forget this feeling in quite a while. I even got to sit down and write all those thoughts into my computer in a similar fashion to a resolution. And right now, while I feel calmer I am feeling like its one of those promises that its gonna stick around in my heart for a while. Heck, I don't even know if I am thinking straight right now. I feel the urgent need for advice... thats what I am writing for mostly, because I really do not know what to do, or if I am doing the right thing.