- Joined
- Feb 19, 2001
- Messages
- 34,872
- Purraise
- 77
Dear Staff,
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we
see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci Bag we assume that you
are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that
you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore
you do not need a raise.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturday and Sunday.
LUNCH BREAKS:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they
can look healthy.
Normal-size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
maintain their average figure.
other people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to
drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.
There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls.
At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will
retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company
bulletin board under the "Chronic Offender" category.
SURGERY:
As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. You should not
consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed,
constitutes a breach of employment.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, irritations,
aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation,
consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week!
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we
see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci Bag we assume that you
are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that
you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore
you do not need a raise.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturday and Sunday.
LUNCH BREAKS:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they
can look healthy.
Normal-size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
maintain their average figure.
other people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to
drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.
There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls.
At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will
retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company
bulletin board under the "Chronic Offender" category.
SURGERY:
As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. You should not
consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed,
constitutes a breach of employment.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, irritations,
aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation,
consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week!
