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What should I do?

post #1 of 15
Thread Starter 
Hey guys,
I've been pondering something as of late and I thought I'd bounce it off of your brains.
Last night I was speaking to my boyfriend, who happens to be long distance (and always has been). I'm planning on driving up to his place on Friday to celebrate a late valentines day and to be together for a little while. He works for the military, and mentioned that one of the guys on base wanted us to go up to Ottawa (my boyfriends hometown) with him to "hang out" with some other people who they graduated with from the training base. Under normal situations I'd think "great! he's antisocial, maybe this will be good!"
Unfortunately, here's the situation:
First of all, the last time I went to a party involving the people from the base he left me in the corner, by myself because no one would talk to me and went and played pool. It wasn't until 45mins later that his commanding officer (who's a nice guy) asked me why he wasn't with me and teased Kevin about leaving me alone. His responce to the situation was that I could have come to watch him play pool. So in other words, I could stand by myself in a different corner.
The second problem is his parents. If we go to Ottawa, we'll be staying with his dad, a man who every time I see him he lectures me. I do mean EVERY TIME, including as I walked in the door while meeting him the first time. He wags his finger at me and talks really loudly. My boyfriend says that this is how he treats everyone and just to ignore it, it's his "I'm concerned voice". Coincidently, his concerned voice is the same as my dad's yelling voice, which makes me want to hide under a rock.
So I'm unemployed (which has cost me lectures in the past) and just got a new cat (which I can support, but it wont be seen that way). Even his mom is questioning my sanity over the cat situation, but she doesn't like cats in the first place. I'd bet that she wouldn't have a problem with a dog.
I just feel like I'd be walking myself into a bad situation. My dad says that the problem is that Kevin doesn't know how to protect me properly. I'm going to talk to him tonight about it, but I feel so rotten telling him that we can't go because I'm scared of being left alone and of his parents yelling at me.
What would you do?
post #2 of 15
I am sure you'll get better advice, so I won't call this advice, just an honest, this is what I'd do...the point of the visit was to celebrate Valentine's day..that is private, it's between the two of you. If he's got plans to go visit like this, given what you describe will happen, I wouldn't go. I would take care of myself, and simply tell him, you let me know when you want to celebrate Valentine's day with *me*.

But that's me
post #3 of 15
ha i wouldnt go, to me he is treating you badly?
I cant stand people yelling. and i cant stand people lecturing me about ME AND WHAT I LIKE!
If you love this man talk it through if there is no resolution then.... walk away?
post #4 of 15
Wow, Jess, that really sounds awful I think your boyfriend could do with a good hard kick up the backside for leaving you standing alone at this party - especially after you'd not seen him for such a time and if the relationship is long-distance. Any "man" should at least have that decency in him. If his dad's "concerned" voice is the same as your dad's "yelling" voice, I'd say there was something seriously wrong. It's not his parent's place to be lecturing you about ANYTHING - and I mean anything. If Kevin hasn't got the matse to stand up to his parents and tell them not to treat you in that fashion I honestly can't see him being much of a protective personality in ANY situation. Not only are his parents out of line, but so is he. I'd try talking to him and getting him to see just how frightened and bad his dad makes you feel and if he has any respect for you at all, he'll take it on board and try to sort it out. He's not really got an excuse. If he just brushes it aside again, I'd be worried about your relationship. Maybe he loves you with every fibre of his being, but he's got to get some guts in him. I hate to sound harsh, but I'm calling it as I see it here. If you can at least get him to understand how awful you feel, and how much you dread being at his parent's, that should help to clear the air on your part, but then the ball is in his court to sort out. This has to be a turning point - either he gets stronger, or I can see it being very difficult to salvage. It's an issue of respect and you don't seem to be getting much of it from any three of them. Time to up the stakes a bit girlie and be strong! I also agree that Valentine's is for just the two of you - I think he could do with letting go of mummy's apron strings, as the saying goes in the UK. That's also a mark of a lack of respect towards you. Personally, I'd want a man who can stand up to his parents and not be such a big coward. Although your relationship is important, I think there's a lot to be said for your relationship with any partner's parents to be good as well. Certainly it works for me and my other half - I have three "mother-in-laws" as well as my "father-in-law" and I love all of them to death. They all show me respect, and get it in return. How can you respect someone you fear? Have a little step back, have a rethink, and be strong about it. you can always talk to me if you want to sweetie
post #5 of 15
In my opinion.... it's all what you will do for love. How serious is your love for him? Not meaning that to sound rude.
post #6 of 15
I agree with the other two.

During the first year of my relationship with Brendan his dad made me feel like he didn't like me. I felt as thoug he was constantly judging me, and that he didn't want me around. I knew that the real reason he acted that way was because he wanted Brendan to be single and "play the field," but that only made me feel worse. This was something I talked with Brendan about quite a bit. We would try to sort things out on our own and figure out a way to make me feel more comfortable. In the end Brendan suggested that the 3 of us sit down and discuss it. So that's what we did. Brendan and I sat together so that I could feel the support from him, and his dad sat on another couch. We talked for about 15 minutes about how I felt and about how his dad really felt. This helped A LOT. I was able to see that his dad really did like me as a person, and he was able to see where he was making the mistakes in the ways he would respond to me. Now we both make conscious efforts to be aware of each other. He even gives me hugs. Though there are still ocassional tense times, it is much better. I'm hoping that your boyfriend would be as open and understanding as mine was about ths issue with his dad. If I were you I would bring up your issues with his parents in a very calm and nonthreatening manner. Try not to insult his parents, this would only put him on the defensive. Simply explain that you want to feel comfortable around them but that because of your upbringing you feel out of place and highly uncomfortable with the lectures. If he can't handle having a conversation like this or doesn't want to help you, he's probably too much of a coward for you anyway. See how he reacts and if he refuses to help or gets defensive explain to him (again, calmly) that you need him to help you or else you can't see yourself going back and spending time with them again.

Sorry that's so long, but I figured a similar story might help a bit.

Good luck.
post #7 of 15
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by CJandBilly
In my opinion.... it's all what you will do for love. How serious is your love for him? Not meaning that to sound rude.
I love him so much. When I'm around him it seems that all is right with the world, and everything will be ok. I suppose that's why I try so very hard for our relationship, he's a good person through and through and cares for me a great deal. I guess that I can't tell you how much I love him, I've only had 2 other boyfriends and I love him more than I loved either of them. We've been together almost a year and a half and our biggest problems arrise from his lack of social knowledge, and his parents. I'm really happy now that he has his own place, before it was like pulling teeth trying to convince him that maybe his parents were wrong, but now that he's out of the house he can have his own opinions again. Every single time he goes home (just got back from a visit) he tells me all of the things that his parents are concerned about revolving around us. If you can imagine, one of our biggest arguments has been his parents beliefs that I'm going to move in and mooch off of him because "they've seen it before".
He says they like me and are just concerned, but I don't see it. I see "get your dirty grubby little paws off my son" at every turn.
On one hand, I've thought of giving up and letting him go, on the other I don't want to loose him. Fortunately I feel like I can talk to him about this and am going to tell him that I don't want to go and the reasons why, including his lack of willingness to stand up for me to his parents.
It's just so frusterating to care so deeply for somone who doesn't realize what they do sometimes (and he really doesn't, he gets very angry with himself and changes when he realizes what he's done 80% of the time).
At least I know I'm not on crack.
post #8 of 15
Thread Starter 
Thank you, your story did help. I know that his dad is being both protective over his only son, and is having a hard time with his pretty recent (3 years) divorce. I try to keep it in perspective, but I just don't feel like I can say anything to him that wont produce finger waving.
I think your idea of sitting down with him might be a good one, although I'm not sure how his dad would respond to being spoken to in such a manner. I've just come to dread going down there.
post #9 of 15
there are some things i choose not to do with my bf because i know i will be annoyed and it will hurt rather than help. I think every relationship should have it's back off time. But if you don't see him often and he really wants you to go, make a second effort. It's wise to learn from past experiences and apply them to current ones, but one past experience should not a decision make. Now if you go 5 times and all 5 times it sucks then probably it will suck if you go for a 6th. But I think everything is worth a second chance. And maybe you should tell him if he made you feel uncomfortable and tell him that you fear he will do so again. Open the communication and maybe the situation will be easier to understand for both of you. And practice playing pool so you can kick his butt...
post #10 of 15
Originally Posted by CJandBilly
In my opinion.... it's all what you will do for love. How serious is your love for him? Not meaning that to sound rude.
I couldn't disagree more.

You are in a long distance relationship, and when you visit you get a) left to stand alone in a corner, or b) chastised by the father? Sounds to me that perhaps this guy isn't necessarily as emotionally committed to this relationship as you seem to be.
post #11 of 15
Let me try a different take on this.

Maybe his father really is just that way and it isn't that he truly dislikes you personally?

The reason I say this is experience with my own father. Every one of my friends and boyfriends who has ever met him (except one, whose father was the same way) thought he hated them. Bar none. He comes across as gruff, he's actually an introvert. It takes a while for him to warm up enough to actually crack a smile. He is a Marine, through and through, and carries that military stance with him everywhere. Most people who aren't used to that see it as standoffish. When he was in the Marines he was aircraft maintenance, as well as the time he spent on the Rifle Team. Starting aircraft inside a closed hanger and shooting hundreds of rounds a day for 4 years didn't help his hearing (at different times during those 4 years, of course ). So when he gets any kind of stern voice, with his slight hearing problems, it does seem like he's yelling to a lot of people. He's really a teddy bear, but he sure doesn't come across like that to others. I was constantly reassuring people that he didn't hate them.

Of course, that doesn't solve the leaving you in the corner issue, which IS an issue with any relationship but especially one where you don't get to see each other much. I have to agree with Pat on this...there is no reason for you to make the effort to go there for a romantic weekend if there's going to be all this other stuff going on instead.
post #12 of 15
Originally Posted by Pat & Alix
I am sure you'll get better advice, so I won't call this advice, just an honest, this is what I'd do...the point of the visit was to celebrate Valentine's day..that is private, it's between the two of you. If he's got plans to go visit like this, given what you describe will happen, I wouldn't go. I would take care of myself, and simply tell him, you let me know when you want to celebrate Valentine's day with *me*.

But that's me

I agree. The whole point in the be-lated Valentines' day time was for the both of you.. Not you, him, his parents and his buddies.... I say that he should be a bit more sensitive to this. I mean... you hardly get to see him anyway, why should your only time with him be with everyone else?
post #13 of 15
Relationships imo should be two words because it takes two people working to make one. If one person isn't working the other is left to wonder why, or work twice as hard to make it work? Is it worth the effort? I used to think so. And I would stay with guys I loved, because I thought I could make it work. But the problem was me, and my expectations. What I was looking for that others were supposed to supply to me. Once I realized this, my dating life changed, and I met Mike. I worked on myself first, and then didn't go looking for love, it found me-
post #14 of 15
Yell back at his father, not in a angry manner, but in a conversational high decible manner. "It's cold tonight, isn't it?"

After he's finished lectureing, "Thanks for the lecture! I'm so glad you care!" in a loud voice. (Like you'd speak to someone who's hard of hearing.

Boyfriend gets one night with the friends and one night with you alone. That's fair. And play him a round of pool at the party, don't just watch.

Relationships are tough, but both sides have to give.
post #15 of 15
I agree - don't be a doormat - try and stand up for yourself. If he leaves you at a party, find someone to talk to - I don't mean flirt with all and sundry - but every room has someone who has something interesting to say to you and it is up to you to find that person. Or as suggested, play him at pool and surprise him. With his father, take every opportunity to talk about 'my apartment' and 'my life' so that his Dad sees that you are independent, even though you love his son. That might help a little. Good luck.
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