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Rejection is not easy...

post #1 of 33
Thread Starter 
My last relationship took a long time to heal from, both physically and emotionally/mentally. So it was with no small amount of faith and courage that, after 5 years of being alone, with no significant relationship at all, I decided to start dating.

But see, I don't like bars, and I dance like a chicken being electrified. I don't have any "social circles" I travel in, and none of my friends have ever tried to set me up. The skydiving circle is very small, and while there are lots of men in it, something about dating someone from my own playground seems - well, like I'm giving up my escape routes. Does that make sense?

Anyway, I decided to try an on-line matching service. Why not, I think...not too expensive, anonimity is protected, and I can talk to these guys before I actually meet them....and I can be totally truthful in my responses.

And at first, I was thrilled. And nothing I'm saying should at all be reflective of this on-line dating service; I'd recommend it to anyone in my situation.

HOWEVER!!! I have had 35 or so matches. Most don't get past the "Hi, I'm Michele" stage before they cut communicatons, or I'll cut them because they're about 1000 miles away. Fine, that's all good. But there were 4 men I was talking to, exchanging emails and all that, photos, the whole 9. I was rather interested in two of them. For the last two weeks we've been chatting back and forth.

So either my moon is in retrograde or I just have had a string of bad luck, but all 4 closed communications with me today. No warning, no explanation, just closed. I wonder if Simon sent them emails or something...rueful sigh...no, not really, but I just don't get it. I am not ugly, I am somewhat picky, and I think I'm fairly open minded. But I just don't get what happened.......at all. And I didn't expect to get rejection like this, all at once, from the stupid internet.

So I'm seriously bumming right now. Bumming big time. Especially right before Valentines Day....so someone send me a hug, all right? Please? 'Cause it's another Saturday night, and I'm alone again. And I'm wondering if there ever will be someone for me. And if so, where the heck is he hiding???

post #2 of 33
I'm sorry Michele.

I'm sure your prince charming is out there hun. He just got lost and is too stubborn to ask for directions. (j/k with ya)

I am sure you'll find someone and be mad about each other. Chin up. I'm rooting for ya!
post #3 of 33
Aww Michele... I'm sorry hunny... I know the feeling of rejection all to well, sweetie.. and it sucks, big time! I dont know if this is going to make you feel any better but just remember 'you can lose something you never had'... None of those guys were really worth your time... If they were, you would be with the right one right now...

I'll be alone for Valentine's Day as well... The first time in 5 years and the thing that hurts the most is that I'm in love with a man that, despite the fact that he loves me too, is too scared to commit to me... Talk about rejection...
But, everything will get better...
post #4 of 33
Many hugs to you!!!!!!!!! You know, one of the principal difficulties with talking on the internet is you can't read body language at all. So, when they stop communicating you have NO clue why. You couldn't see their body language, like you could in person, to tell if they were truly interested or not. Plus, all the guys you talk to are doing the same thing you are: looking at multiple people at once. Basically, this means that you're going to get rejected a lot, and it really has nothing to do with whether or not you're worth getting to know. Who knows the real reason they stopped communicating? Don't bum out. Try and figure out what you like to do, and see if there are any clubs or anything doing that. Go on hikes with the Sierra Club, join a book club, join an art appreciation group, join a charity . . .. At least then if you don't find a person to share your life on a romantic level, you'll still find some good friends! Just to share, I met my husband after I'd gotten fed up with looking! So, I think you should make your goal to branch out and form new friendships, and just keep an eye open while you do
post #5 of 33
Aw, I'm sorry! This might be a thought - maybe they closed communication because it's nearing Valentine's and they didn't want you to expect something? I dunno, I've never tried online dating... but I'm sure you'll find your prince charming soon, don't lose hope!
post #6 of 33

Crappy timing! For what it's worth -- I had a few guys in and out of my life, but nothing that could remotely be called serious until I was in my 30s. It was then that a friend of several years, with whom I had not been in touch for over a year, called one day and told me that he and his wife had separated. It wasn't a big surprise. He asked if he could see me. I said sure. It was almost immediately obvious to me when we got together that this turn in the relationship was for the longterm, and that it was right. On the heels of that realization came another: that he had a whole lot of stuff to work out before he could make a new commitment. And for the next 9 years I endured the ups and downs of that situation. As Malakai711 says, that rejection stings like crazy. Long story short, he did get past his issues, he did take the plunge, and it's 15 years for us this year.

My point? The wait was hell, but it was worth it. Sometimes it's a long painful time before Mr Right steps out of the woodwork. I hope your Mr Right doesn't take a lot longer to find you.

Meanwhile, many hugs
post #7 of 33
I'm sorry this happened to you.....it sucks...I know.

I have just recently (in the past few days) broken up with the man I love and was planning to spend the rest of my life with after a year of being together. So I'm right there with you....all alone again....and right before Valentine's Day. I've been so down the past few days....that I've actually been changing the channels anytime a corny Valentine commercial comes on.

I've been divorced for 10 years now and was sure that this one was the one I was supposed to be with forever. But it's not going to happen.

So I guess we just move on and become the stereotypical "Crazy Cat Ladies."
post #8 of 33
Michele I thought the same thing as Ari - perhaps it was just because of the big V-Day coming up? I don't know...it seems to freak out a lot of guys. When my parents were dating in school, Dad always managed to break up with Mom before V-Day "because of track" or some sport he was in. He just couldn't handle the pressure of being with someone for Valentine's Day.

to you too Robin! I'm sorry to hear it didn't work out...

But one thing I can say to both of you - YOU ARE NOT ALONE ON VALENTINE'S OR ANY OTHER DAY!!! Boys (and men) come and go, but friends are here for life. You both have a LOT of friends here at this site!
post #9 of 33
A lot of guys feel pressure around Valentine's Day. When I was single and dating, guys that I had not dated much, if they were going to break up with me, or in a couple cases, me with them, it was around that time. They seem to think if they are in a relationship, it has to be a serious one with all the pressure to buy diamonds, candy, roses, all sorts of stuff. I know it is ridicilous, but I have actually had this conversation with male friends.
There are a lot of success stories about online dating, but not so many of them about meeting "the one" right away.
I have had 3 serious relationships in my life, and met all of them in the Spring.
I think someone is out there for everyone. I hope yours comes along soon. Springtime is right around the corner!
I know it stinks being alone on Valentine's Day. We are all sending you vibes that it will be the last time! Don't get discouraged! Someone wonderful is always worth waiting for.
I think it is very brave of you to get back in to the dating scene at all. I don't think I could do it. While you are waititng for your soul mate, you might as well have some fun.
post #10 of 33
Originally Posted by valanhb
But one thing I can say to both of you - YOU ARE NOT ALONE ON VALENTINE'S OR ANY OTHER DAY!!! Boys (and men) come and go, but friends are here for life. You both have a LOT of friends here at this site!
I agree wholeheartedly with Heidi. Vday is one of many. And boy did I spend many of them alone! Mr. Right is waiting for you out there somewhere, and I truly believe in the old saying that "he'll surprise you when you least expect it". But what always got me through Vday or any day I was a single lady was knowing that I had wonderful friends to share my life with. Whether they be in a forum like TCS, or my next door neighbors. So chin up and here is a big hug coming your way!
post #11 of 33
Ah Michele, hugs here! My rejection sensitivity is still there but has gotten a lot better with therapy and meds. There is an interesting chapter in Listening to Prozac, that you might find interesting, the author is Peter Kramer. Do you have a Date Bait chapter in your city? Horrific name I know, but a fun program. It was originally started for gays and lesbians, but they now have programs for straight people...see aren't we an inclusive bunch. Go to www.DateBait.com and check it out.
post #12 of 33
I know it can be tough, hon.. To be honest, I feel that you're best off lookng within the people you run with to see If they're available, or if they know someone.. I know this is rough (especially if something negative happens from it, there's a bit of "which of the two of us is going to be sided with?" BUT those are the people that you're more likeyl to have \\things in common with, and that you already know them without pretense of dating can only make for a healthier relationship. *shrugs* as far as online dating.. it can be difficult, especially in the begining parts-it's hard to believe that there can be such strong emotion created online with people you've never met, but it DOES hurt. I hope something turns around for you, but, if nothing else, you've got 5 lovely valentines sitting at home with you
post #13 of 33
I want to applaud you for beginning to look/be open to dating again. You took 5 years off, I took 10 before I met my dh!

All I can say is that in retrospect, doing the things I loved to do while living alone, the kinds of activities that I refused to put off until I was with a partner, is what led me to finding my dh. I did happen to find him online, as we both loved cats and ended up on the same forum, but I think that decision to try again, to open my heart is the largest reason that anything happened between us.

So...as much as I wanted to swat my grandmother when she told me to just live life and the right one would turn up someday, she was right.
post #14 of 33
Don't give up, the right one will come along
post #15 of 33
Michele, while I was reading your post (and I am sorry you're feeling a bit down) I got a really strong sensation that they're just unable or incapable of keeping up with you. If they closed communications.....sounds like you were on a more in-depth kind of site? Many times men in cyberspace are looking for a thrill, a jolt, an escape and something that's so instant that they won't have to be responsible for their own identites or "real" actions. Now that said, you are a brilliant writer, and no matter how you string your words together, you shine very bright and your intelligence just bursts right through. That's a lot to deal with, and POO POO on them if they couldn't handle a real dialogue with a great lady. I just felt that very strongly and wanted to share that with you. I do like the suggestions of becoming engaged in other aacitvities. I don't smoke or drink and I am not a bar person or a party person and I do feel that by getting involved even once a month with something you really enjoy (besides diving), undoubtedly you'll run into a man that's on your level and "real". Have you thought of joining a large writer's group or going on a retreat for artists and writers?? I'm sorry if I'm not much help but I am hugging you anyhoooo!
post #16 of 33
Well, I've tried online dating sites in the past and I don't think it lends itself well to meeting people and a lot of them don't have any manners either. I know it's rough at times and I believe the success stories of online dating are greatly exagerated. Don't let the negative experiences of online dating discourage you from trying different approaches to dating altogether. I think one of the best ways to meet someone is to get involved in things you like and then go from there. Good luck.
post #17 of 33
I know the pain of rejection, and I'm so sorry you're experiencing such a difficult time. Oh, Michelle, let's celebrate Valentine's Day together.
post #18 of 33
Ahh, Michelle, I'm sorry this happened. From one single girl to another, I know what you're feeling! For all of them to cut and run all at once has to be especially confusing and painful.

As trite and cliche as it may sound, the book, "Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus" really helped me. While reading it, there were several times when I dropped the book in my lap with a snort as I recognized myself, and some of the past men in my life. Amongst the "tips" in this book, there are also some pearls. Things which we know in our heads, but don't acknowledge. The one that sticks with me, and I paraphrase, is "...if he's not interested, then he's not the one for you...", and letting him go without hard feelings. True, it sounds like grandmotherly advice, but it doesn't make it any less viable. Anyway, it's a good read, and eerily accurate. It also helps you understand the "ways of men".

On a more practical level, have you ever tried Speed Dating? I've done it a couple of times, and it's actually pretty fun. I'm a talker, and unless I miss my guess, you are too, so you should do well. If you're interested, just Google: Speed Dating (city near you). If nothing else, it will help you get back into the swing of talking to men face-to-face, especially if you've been on a 5 year hiatus. If you have the courage to sky dive, you definitely have the courage to do this!

Hang in there, you have so much to offer, and you deserve happiness! Try not to get too discouraged. Retreating won't enhance your life; a leap of faith just might!
post #19 of 33
I'm alone on Valentines Day as well. However, I'm not interested in a relationship. I kind of like being alone. Too many complications the other way. Anyway, I'm in Los Angeles, as well, so if you feel like you would like someone to talk to, I can send you my telephone number if you want it.
post #20 of 33
First of all ((((HUGS)))) to you. Please don't read anything into these men cutting communication to you, I'd bet Jeepers (that's how sure I am) that it had nothing to do with you and a whole lot to do with their own problems and neurosis. Please don't think I'm putting them down but I know that for years I ended relationship after relationship because of my own hang ups rather than anything they may or may not have done, it sounds cliched but it may really be an 'it's not you it's me' type of situation. Please don't take it to heart, there are some real keepers out there waiting to get to know you.
post #21 of 33
for you, Michele. I, too, suspect that Valentine's Day paranoia played a big role. Don't give up!
post #22 of 33
Michele - don't worry about this. They were just not right for you. Although I was only 19 when I met my husband, I'd already decided a couple of years before that I would wait until I was 30 to get married (yeah right, like that worked ). I couldn't stand boys my own age, none of them seem right to me; so I thought I'd wait until they'd grown up a bit. I'd decided it was better to be alone than with someone I didn't like all that much. It was especially hard to meet people as I'm not a great one for going out drinking etc, nor did I have a big circle of friends. As it turned out, hubby arrived when I least expected him. So what the others have said is quite true - expect the unexpected. We met at work.

It will happen for you.
post #23 of 33
Thread Starter 
I'm not giving up...and I do think it's likely that it's "them" and not me (although...there's a part of me that says: Hey, 4 guys flopped on you at once...it's YOU, dingbat, YOU!). It just hurt that 4 on the same day made the same decision which was a negative thing. It may be Vday, or it may be that we'd come to a point in the conversation where, had it been face to face, they'd've gone off to check out the other ladies in the bar (or social club, or wherever). It still stung. And not because I had developed strong feelings (I hadn't, although there was definitely one who I wanted to get to know much better...), but because there was no explanation nor "warning." Sigh....and yes, I checked my outgoing emails; it was NOT Simon. LOL.

The problem in expanding my circles is simply that I haven't time to do that, not really. I wish I did...but I work so much. And I'm starting to wonder if I work so much because I don't want to know what I'm missing in the rest of my life.

Argh....but I'm not giving up. I'm just a bit frustrated and pretty down about it. I guess I just need to keep kissing frogs and seeing which one will become a prince.

I got a really strong sensation that they're just unable or incapable of keeping up with you. If they closed communications.....sounds like you were on a more in-depth kind of site?
Yes, it's a far more indepth site than just "here're some singles looking in your area; good luck!" It's a great site, and again, nothing I say here is said to denegrate them in any way.

you are a brilliant writer, and no matter how you string your words together, you shine very bright and your intelligence just bursts right through.
Thanks for that...and it's not something I've never heard before. And yes, I've heard it's sometimes hard to keep up with me. But I don't think changing/hiding who I am deep down inside will make for a successful relationship, irrespective of it's genesis (on-line or face to face). I've tried that before, and it simply doesn't work. I know you weren't suggesting that at all, either.

I know the right guy will come along, someday. But if I don't put the hook in the water, how will I know he's there, swimming around? I'm not taking my hook out of the water...just sitting here on the bank cursing the fish, and wondering if I have the right bait. LOL...it's still early, and that's an awkward metaphor, but you get the idea.

Sigh....I still feel rejection, but it helps having all of you cheer me up and send me hugs. Thanks much....it really is appreciated.

And I *do* have 5 Valentines sitting here at my house, and that's a good thing...kitty love is amazing.

post #24 of 33
You'd get a lot of "Valentines" from people on this site, just for being you! Do you read "Cat Fancy"? There are some online dating sites just for pet lovers, e.g., www.kittykat.com , www.DateMyPet.com , and www.AnimalAttraction.com.
post #25 of 33
Aww Michelle don't worry!, i'm not with anyone either.

It's been 2 years since my boyfriend and i split and although i have been asked out several times i'm just not ready yet.

It'll happen when your not looking for it because thats what happend with my last one

In the meantime heres Rosie to cheer you up!

post #26 of 33
Originally Posted by rosiemac
Aww Michelle don't worry!, i'm not with anyone either.

It's been 2 years since my boyfriend and i split and although i have been asked out several times i'm just not ready yet.

It'll happen when your not looking for it because thats what happend with my last one

In the meantime heres Rosie to cheer you up!

Rosie is irresistable!
post #27 of 33
Oh my! Rosie is too cute... the look on her face!
post #28 of 33
Oh, Michele! I have tried that route, too. It is so discouraging,and I have about decided if the Lord has someone for me, He's gonna have to throw him at me.
It hurts too much, the rejection.
PM me if you want to talk.
post #29 of 33
Oh Michele! Here are some hugs for you - you are a good lady, and you deserve better then them!
post #30 of 33
Three of my friends did the Eharmony and had good luck with it. Two are now married and seem happy. I don't know which service you used, but you might want to look elsewhere if your heart is up to it-

I met Mike through the personals over 25 years ago. We wrote for 4 years and will soon celebrate our 18th wedding anniversary, so it can work-
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