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Memo to the cat and dog

post #1 of 9
Thread Starter 
Memo to the Family Dog and Cat

1. When I say move, it means go someplace else. It does not mean switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

2. The dishes on the floor are yours and contain your food. All other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note: placing a paw or nose-print in the middle of my dinner does not stake your claim on it, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing in any way.)

3. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

4. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. Locate your inner beast and remember that sleeping animals can actually curl up in a ball, so it is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

5. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

6. For the last time, humans like to use the bathroom alone. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it won't help to claw, whine, meow, bite the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. (Trust me, I have been using the bathroom for years...canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)

7. When you see me asleep on the couch, it is not funny to make a sudden leap onto my stomach and drop a chew toy, bone or jingle ball on my crotch, no matter how much that makes other family members laugh.

8. Dog: Don't think for a minute that making a sad face and whimpering pathetically will get you out of trouble when I find a puddle of pee on the carpet. The face and the whimpering only validate that you knew it was wrong when you did it.

9. Cat: My sitting down to bite into a juicy sandwich is not a signal for you to begin gagging loudly and then hocking up the most disgusting hairball in history.

10. Dog and Cat: The proper order is kiss me, then go lick yourself. I cannot stress this enough.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here; you don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my pet(s) better than I like most people.

4. To you it's an animal. To me, it's an adopted child who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech-challenged.

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, are easier to train, usually come when called, don't ask for money, never drive your car, don't hang out with losers, don't drink or smoke, and don't worry about the latest fashions.
post #2 of 9

Love the rules for visiting non-pet owners though!
post #3 of 9
A lot of deep truths there!
post #4 of 9
I'd just add one more:

The chicken that I take off my plate and put on your dish after you BEG me for it does not change in flavour or quality in the five seconds it takes to move it from my plate to yours. It is still the same chicken and should taste as good - it will not taste any better eaten directly off my plate - honest!
post #5 of 9
My kitty needs to read #4. She likes to sleep as close as she can to me- you can't get a piece of paper between us sometimes. She takes up over half the bed and leaves me with about an inch of space! Silly girl.
post #6 of 9
Those are soooo cute! I am going to print off those rules for non-pet people and post them on my door! Too cute. Thanks so much for posting.
post #7 of 9
I have seen this before and it still amuses me. I also seem to remember:

There is only one exit from the bathroom. I must go out the same door I came in, there is no need for scratching at the door or reaching under it.
post #8 of 9
love it!!! thanks for sharing!!
post #9 of 9
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