Rules for Cats to Live By
>
> BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not
> necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
>
> DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open,
> stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it
> is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door
> opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This
> is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or
> mosquito season.
>
> CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If
> you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no
> Oriental rug, shag is good.
>
> HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the
> other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping,"
> otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering:"
>
>
> 1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook.
> You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped
> on and then picked up and comforted.
>
> 2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and
> book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
>
> 3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as
> to obscure as much of the work as possible or at least. Pretend to
> doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen.
>
> 4) For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas
> cards, keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being
> worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table.
> When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering
> them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second
> time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
>
> 5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure
> to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.
>
> 6) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across
> keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human's lap
> across arms, hampering typing in progress.
>
> WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible
> in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something
> in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning.
> This will help their coordination skills.
>
> BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move
> around.
>
> LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter
> out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter
> between their toes.
>
> HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot
> find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any
> circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love)
> thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the
> humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a
> treat.
>
> ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially
> their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love
> this, so do it often. And don't forget guests.
I thought this would be cute to share. It sounds just like my kitties!
>
> BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not
> necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
>
> DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open,
> stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it
> is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door
> opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This
> is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or
> mosquito season.
>
> CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If
> you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no
> Oriental rug, shag is good.
>
> HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the
> other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping,"
> otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering:"
>
>
> 1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook.
> You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped
> on and then picked up and comforted.
>
> 2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and
> book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
>
> 3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as
> to obscure as much of the work as possible or at least. Pretend to
> doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen.
>
> 4) For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas
> cards, keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being
> worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table.
> When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering
> them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second
> time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
>
> 5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure
> to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.
>
> 6) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across
> keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human's lap
> across arms, hampering typing in progress.
>
> WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible
> in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something
> in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning.
> This will help their coordination skills.
>
> BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move
> around.
>
> LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter
> out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter
> between their toes.
>
> HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot
> find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any
> circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love)
> thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the
> humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a
> treat.
>
> ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially
> their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love
> this, so do it often. And don't forget guests.
I thought this would be cute to share. It sounds just like my kitties!
