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Need some advise

post #1 of 9
Thread Starter 
There is a person on one of my groups who has a terrible disease and may be dying. Problem is she has a boyfriend she lived with and they get in fights. Also she just sometimes gets depressed and starts making all sorts of trouble for the group.

The group has repeatedly tried to help her but she suddenly lashes out at them and now they have banned her.

I care very much about her no matter if she is going to die or if she is not really in that bad of health, and I email her and answer her emails to me. I try to make her happy but at times she gets angry at me too. NOW she is wanting me to forward her emails to the group, and the moderator has asked me not to.

I feel as if I am in the middle - between her and her off again on again boyfriend and her and the group. I can't be so cruel as to hurt her but what do I do?

She NEEDS a friend who will ignore her outbursts but I have to admit I am almost afraid to open my email as I do not know if I have upset her or what she wants me to do next.

What would you all advise?
post #2 of 9
This is a hard one because it sounds like you really want to do the right thing by your friend but it doesn't seem like she is meeting you half way. Freindships go both ways and while it sounds like she is having a really tough time maybe you should try and explain how much some of the things she does is hurting the people who are trying to care for her? Many people who lash out at their friends are testing these friendships to see how much people care about them. Unfortunately the 'tests' just drive people away and fulfill the persons belief that no one cares about them. I would try and be there when you can but let her know gently but firmly that when she lashes out that you don't think it is acceptable to be treated that way but that if she needs a shoulder you will still be there. Maybe when she sends an awful e-mail or makes a nasty phone call just say that you don't want to talk to her when she is being this hurtful and that you will call her later?
post #3 of 9
"The group has repeatedly tried to help her but she suddenly lashes out at them and now they have banned her."

Tell her the truth. Tell her you want to be her friend, but you cannot make others be her friend. If the moderator asked you not to share her e-mails, then don't. That is the moderator's job, so you must respect that. Tell your friend you can't and you won't.

Don't let her be rude to you either. "I try to make her happy but at times she gets angry at me too." She has to be happy on her own. Happiness is up to the individual. We are responsible for our ownselves. People have found happiness in the hardest of circumstances because they CHOSE to be happy. It's an internal decision.

She does sound like a person who could use a friend, and it's very sweet of you to care. But caring isn't putting up with manipulation. A real friend would want you to be okay too. Your relationship sounds strained. Think of what you're willing to be for this person. If you're willing to exchange e-mails, fine. If you're not willing to exchange angry, hateful, manipulative e-mails, then tell her so.

You cannot be all things to this person. Don't try. Just be what you can be, and let her find help in other places as well.

Best wishes!
post #4 of 9
You're being a better friend than I would be able to be. It really doesn't sound like she's that great of a friend to you, though.
post #5 of 9
This is a hard one there are so many reasons for her anger but as has already been said she should not be taking it out on you and not meaning to be rude but if she is only an online friend it could all be a load of crock and she is just trying to use you to cause more trouble I could have it very wrong either way it is sweet of you to care but you need to look after your self to I agree with telling her the truth about how she is acting I hope it all works out for her and you
post #6 of 9
Remember you have responsiblities for anything posted with your account and you have been directly asked not to forward her emails to the group from the person in charge of that group. That is soley enough reason not to do it.

You consider her a friend and it sounds like she considers you a friend. Be honest, let her know that you feel shes your friend and you do not want to loose that friendship. Then tell her because she IS your friend you have to be honest and you feel there are some areas in your friendship that need a little work. Try not to come off as its all about her, offer some areas you think you need to work on also as you explain how you feel about what is lacking from your point of view, namley being put in the middle of this situation and her outbursts of anger that she is taking out on you. Then be ready for her getting upset or being hurtful or worse, and ask her if there are any things she would like you to be more considerate of with reguards to her and remind her you care and you want to be there for her. If she has a problem with the things you have said, remind her that it is because you care enough to want this friendship to last that you are saying anything at all and you have to be honest for this friendship to have real value, after all she and you both deserve that.

You also can roll play with a family member or someone close to you that is not involved, that may help when you actually get around to having the real talk.

I hope everything works out for you and I wish you both the best of luck. I am sorry to hear that she is dying, cherish the time you have together now and build strong memories that will last you throught your life. Someday we will all be reunited and everything will be new again.
post #7 of 9
I've been on the internet a long time. I have seen things that baffle me, and one of the things I have been witness to is people making up stories to play on others sympathy or to manipulate them. I am not saying that this person is not being truthful. All I am saying is that over the internet there is no accountability and to some people that means they can create a pretend world of their own choosing- why? Who knows, maybe they are bored, or they just like to cause problems or push buttons. Just something to stick in the back of your mind.

Usually on boards, and mail groups banning isn't something that is done lightly. There may be other reasons this person was banned, that you are not privy to. I would tread lightly and send her funny cards, and humorous things but I don't think I would take it much farther. Unless you can somehow find out if she is on the level- as I said, I have seen and heard of some weird things that go on in cyberspace, and nothing surprises me anymore-
post #8 of 9
Heidi please be careful because if she's rude to you now and she's never even met you in person?!.

I've always been a suspicious person and i have them about this woman and their not good thoughts of her either
post #9 of 9
Yes, please be careful hun!
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