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Need Some Advice :(

post #1 of 13
Thread Starter 
I'm haveing some big prob's with my family right now I'm haveing a pritty bad week all up not sure weather to or ok first I was out with my husband on the weekend we went to see a friend of his and he wanted us to go fishing but I was not keen to go because were he wanted to go there was a good possabillity of running into a snake and it may sound dumb but I have a really bad fear of snakes they make me feel ill so I said na it's cool we will pop back round when you get back or I told Rick he could drop me at the shopping center and pick me up on the way back oh no this was not on with his stupid so called mate well he blasted me hole sale he called me names I'm sure you can imagen told me I need to see a ****** shrink he was out rightly mean and nasty and my husband just let him do it he said nothing when we got into the car I said to him I don't aprushiate the way he spoke to me and he said yeah I was not happy about it either but he said nothing I could have said something but I tend to get really nasty when I go off and he had his kids there and I did not won't to upset them but I think my husband could have said hey thats not on mate back off but nope just let him talk like that to me so I told my husband to drop me off at the shopping center he said I can't he's not going that way so I said fine drop me off at the bus stop and he would not do that either so I feel he thinks more of his mates feelings than mine ? so I went fishing and sat there both hurt and egnored worred the hole time about seeing a snake I'm so mad and I don't feel very loved right now but I think Richard should have told his mate to go jump in the lake to put it politlely and backed me up I don't think I'm over reacting or am I I don't know ? I'm feeling really low right now.

Now for problem number 2 my youngest son is 18 years old and he has to be the lasyest sod I have ever met he dose not do most of what you ask him and if he dose do something you can garantee he dose it badly I truely belive he only dose it to **** me off and he is so argumentative it's driveing me crazy I know from this it sounds like he's a normal teenager but he's not it's so bad these days that every time he's home we end up fighting and I'm truly at the stage were I am ready to pull my hair out I think he needs to be told to leave home but I do not have the strength to through him out so I am now concidering leaveing myself I don't know if I'm over reacting or am I being pooped on left right and center I could use some out side advice thanks for lisening.

Sorry to dump this here all but I have no one else to talk to about this I hope you all don't mind.
post #2 of 13
Wow. I feel for you. First let me say you deserve more respect then that. If you and your husband are in a fight and you both exchange mean words thats not right either, but at least its mutual. To let someone else go off on his wife like that and not stand up for his "soul mate" and "life partner", the mother of his child(ren)?.. that is just not right in my opinion. I do understand with him not wanting to drop you off at a bus stop in the middle of nowhere if it was an unfamilar place, but he should have let you make up your own mind since you are an adult. If he wasn't going towards the mall and only had an appointment with some fish he should have taken you to the mall anyways. I find this a very disturbing story and I wish everyone could just get along. In most cases I would say you should see the vet, but in this case maybe some family therapy is in order. Get back to the basics, get some help and remeber what it was you found attractive about each other in the begining and maybe you can get back to whats important, loving and caring for each other as a couple should be.

On the other side of the coin, perhaps he was not able to make a stand and it is just the way he is even though he knew it was right. Some men are scardy cats and lack self confidence. He could simply have been afraid that his friend would not speak to him again also, or as he said, he had kids around.

None of that excuses his treatment of you, dont get me wrong. I think at the very least you should speak to him about it in a neutral private place or with a therapist.

Good luck with this mess, I hope things work out for you.
post #3 of 13
Oh dear,, you poor thing. I am so sorry to hear of this. Your hubby was definitely in the wrong hon., he should have said SOMETHING, not necessarily shouted obsenities at his friend or anything, but atleast let him know that speaking to you in that fashion is uncalled for and you did nothing to warrant that treatment. I am just so sorry about the situation with your son too. Dont jump the gun and leave yet. If you and hubby are able to talk, then chat this through with him. Most peole (i.e. your husband and son) tend to think that someone isnt being serious when they threaten to leave and they dont take their complaining seriously,,, sit down with hubby and truthfully let him know EXACTLY how you feel in a calm but serious manner. Let them know that you feel so helpless and overwhelmed that you dont even want to be there anymore. They will see that you are not playing(hopefully). If they are interested in helping better the situation, then give them one or two things for them to individually work on in order to make the family unit a more mutually rewarding thing for you and them. I say just give them one or two things to work on because people tend to feel overwhelmed by a good griping and hearing all of their faults hashed out and then they will do nothing about it. Also they will not know how to make things better for you and the family unless you provide them with specific and simple instructions. It sucks that it has to come down to an ultimatum, but tell them both that you are serious and you are unhappy and things need to change or you cant live this way. Inform your hubby that you still love him dearly, but sometimes there is more to a good marriage to love and you need him to step up in being a better partner for you and in dealing with your teenage son so the workload doesnt fall solely on you. Again sweetie, I am sorry,, you gave me such good advice when I was going through my neuter-issues,, I hope that this advice doesnt seem to aggressive or condescending on either your husband or son,, I am sure they are both wonderful, but sometimes people need to be reminded that they need to consider the whole family and not just themselves or their friends. If this makes any sense at all then great,, if not,, sorry I was typing and thinking fast!!LOL!!
---We are all here for you at TCS,, dont feel bad for venting<<I do it al the time!!!
post #4 of 13
I'm sorry you're having such a bad week I dont think you are overreacting at all about how your husband treated you... It was totally wrong for him to allow his friend to speak to you the way he did... I know for a fact that Adrian would never let anyone speak to me like that without saying something to them... Maybe you should go to therapy, either alone to work things out for yourself or with your husband... probably with your son, too.. If he's acting out there has to be a reason... Sure, teenagers go through their phase of being lazy and rebellion (I sure did) but if it's to a certain extent it may be something more than just 'terrible teens' Either way you need to express your feelings to both your husband and your son... I hope it all works out for you... Just hang in there, it'll get better... If you ever need to vent, feel free to PM me... I've dumped my problems here before and everyone was wonderful about giving me advice so, anything I can do to help, just ask...
post #5 of 13
That's awful! You deserve more respect. It seems that word is not in their vocabulary. Nobody should be treated that way.
post #6 of 13
I'm sorry but kids or no kids, if my husband decided not to stand up for me, Woe is the person doing the brow beating to me! I'd give as good as he was giving I tell you what and as far as my husband, well, let's just say, when I was done, my vengance would turn to him next!
post #7 of 13
You ARE having a rough go of it, for sure!! Sounds like the men in your area are alot like some of the men in this area ( I've learned that here in California, where people were raised makes a huge impact on gender behavior). I wish that you were getting the respect that you deserve. If that "friend" would speak to you that way, imagine what "modeling" he gives his children in the privacy of closed doors - his poor wife! Believe me, you did a fine example of dignity and self-control for those children. Do you get Dr.Phil on TV over there?You can go on Dr.Phil's website. He has 2 very good books, "Family First" and "Relationship Rescue". I was raised in a rural area where only women get counseling; more people from the cities are moving here, so things are changing but for those locals I grew up with, the guys can be really backwards. Good luck! Susan
post #8 of 13
now i have had a similar problem but in the supermarket.
Here, we get to choose which stupid plastic bag to get, and since i like the freezer plastic bags i took one of them untill bf did a whole B****ing schene right there. I went to red from anger that i could hve just smashed his face in!
Now as a sweet person as i am i dont blast untill i get in the car.
But i have already threatened that if he keeps up his behaviour i pack my things and go back to my parents!
As for your son... My dad probably thinks that about me that im lazy and rebelling. But i just think you need to sit down with your family and tell them to get their act together because if you are going to pull your hair out then i will too!!!
post #9 of 13
So sorry that your hubby didn't defend you and even went along with it. How about you take him to visit a friend of YOURS and maybe when you get there you and she will decide to go do something like ... get your hair done and go shopping...he should understand (after the episode with HIS friend), right -and go with you...Ha Ha - how would he like it with the shoe on the other foot!
post #10 of 13
My thoughts are brief- if your husband does not think enough of you to stop his friend from harrassing you, that speaks volumes to me. His lack of respect for your feelings has passed on to his son- children learn from their parents. Your son figures if his dad can't respect your feelings and words why should he? All of you need counseling to find your way back to each other, or to just end it and go find peace elsewhere. Once you get into counseling your answers will become clearer.
post #11 of 13
Thread Starter 
I just wan't to say thank you to you all I aprushiate your advice and suport more than you will ever know so thanks to you all.

I have carmed down since I last posted I'm feeling better now I have talked to my Husband about what happened I have told him it's not on and if he want's me to hang around he is going to have to make an effort and we are going to try theripy whitch is something I have been trying to get him to go to with me for quite awile so maby something good has come out of it after all.

As for my son who knows we have both tryed a number of things with him and nothing seems to work but like me my Husband can't kick him out it's one of those things where your damed if you do and damed if you don't you know.

I can't begine to tell you all how gratefull I am for your help I'm sorry I did not post a replie sooner I was haveing trouble getting back into my thread and this is the first time I have been on since so sorry all thanks again for your suport it has helped me a lot
post #12 of 13
Wow, I was so glad to read your latest reply Jaspers Mum, as I was reading this thread, & getting more worried! I'm glad you've talked to your husband, it certainly sounds as though you have cleared the air a bit. You make sure that he sticks to family therapy, it sounds to me as though you are the strong partner, so it may be up to you to 'kick some butt'.

As for your son, well if I were you I would give him the cold shoulder. I wouldn't cook for him, shop for him, clean his room, or his clothes. I'd leave him to sit in his own mess until he did something about it himself, even if it was only asking for help. Do you remember those parents in USA who went on strike? They moved into a tent on their front lawn & left the kids to it. I know most teenagers go through this phase, but yours seems to be taking advantage of your good nature. Think about his future too - you will be doing him a favour by teaching him that he doesn't have a personal slave, if he can learn to do all these domestic tasks, whoever he marries will be thanking God that you are his mother and taught him all that stuff!

Hope you go on OK.

post #13 of 13
I am so glad that things are taking a slight turn for the better,,, I truly hope hubby will go through with it as he says...(leave it to me to be the pessimistic one!) But again,,,YEAH for you,, I am happy!!
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