I just got into a really bad fight with my Mother!!

You have to ask yourself ( Is the friend worth losing your family over?) I don't think so.

Theres a saying that goes "You can pick your friends but you can't pick your family!".

But on the other hand your parents may just be worried for you?!.

How old are you?

Well, I am 48 years old, and Mama died in 1997. She was very controlling and could be really mean, especially as she got older. I loved her and knew she loved me, but she basically scared the s**t out of me.
I have night mares about her being alive again.
I lived with her always, never got married or left home. It is a long story. PM me and vent ANY time, girl! I would love to talk.

I'm 23...

Oh right so it's not as if your a teenager! It sounds like you need to sit down altogether and tell your mum and dad that Adrian is in your life now wether they approve or not.

It's silly really isn't it, because no matter What colour Adrian is were all the same deep down!.

Hi Liza,

Sometimes even parents who are 'there' for their kids have a hard time letting go when their children become adults. Parents who still have their own issues about control and who have not always made the best choices about raising ther own children, may try to become even more demanding and controlling when they see the children 'slipping' out from under the hand. In many ways, this sounds to me that it is more about your mother's and your father's personal issues in their own lives rather than about you. Because you are their daughter, they may still feel some degree of ownership and 'rights' over you - and the less in control of their own lives they are, the more they might feel the need to try and control yours. Sometimes, it is the child who grows up and becomes the 'adult' and the parents who were never really adults, remain immature.

As hard as it is, at 23 you are an adult and have the right to make and live by your own decisions even if your family disagrees with your decisions. If they believe you are making a poor choice, they can advise you and offer you alternatives, but when push comes to shove, you are the one who has to live your life. Making choices and taking responsibility for those choices can be a very difficult thing at times, but it is the only way that you will truly 'live' your own life, instead of living the life someone else wants for you.

Good luck with this, and good luck with your therapy as well. Having someone to talk to about these things who isn't directly involved and can see objectively can make the world of difference.

Kathryn

Hi, Liza! I so admire you for standing up for yourself. I am so happy that you've found a great guy, too. Be happy!

Liza, think about what I'm going to say, ok?

If you're that mad over your Mom's words when you spoke, or how the two of you have trouble getting along, then obviously she matters to you or it wouldn't be upsetting you.

Also, I think you're very angry that you don't get along with her and you are seeking that void of love by getting it through the men in your life. And your Mom is trying to reach you in whatever way she can, even if it's through a fight, cause she needs you in HER life.

Just think about this and go with your heart, not your anger. Your heart always points you to what the body needs. Anger always points you to what you don't.

Best, simplest advice I can think of giving - you are not responsible for anyone elses behavior but your own. You do not need to feel responsible for upsetting your mom. All you can know is what you feel/need/want/care about/value, and you have to live with the decisions you make in following your own values.

I remember my first retreat at a place called Shalom Mt., during it, my guide for my mat trip, Jerry, told me I was still tied to my mom...our fighting was keeping us connected as closely as an umbilical cord, and around, and around the circle we went. If you do not change how you respond, the fights can not and will not be likely to change. It takes insight, strength and determination to change those patterns...even by 23 they are quite ingrained.

I think therapy is such a wise choice on your part. I wish you all the best as you move forward with your life, and towards the way you wish to relate to your parents.

we are in the same boat but i already pmed you.
Its really hard being an italian and fighting with your family!
i dont understand why they have to be so stubborn

Originally Posted by fwan

we are in the same boat but i already pmed you.
Its really hard being an italian and fighting with your family!
i dont understand why they have to be so stubborn

Click to expand...

There is one good thing about it...stubborness can equate to strength, persistence, sticktoitiveness.

Speaking from experience, I may only be half-Italian but I know all about the passionate -emotional/stubborness genes!

Liza, sorry to hear you got into a bad fight and sorry to hear your parents are so racist!

I don't have any advice for you but here's a hug...