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I just got into a really bad fight with my Mother!!

post #1 of 17
Thread Starter 
I'm so mad right now! My mother just called me screaming that I told her I would call her back the other night and never did... She's like "What is your problem!!?!? Why didnt you call me back?? What's wrong with you??" and I'm just dumbfounded because 1. I dont remember telling her that I would call her back.. and 2. I called her the other day and left her a message that she never responded to... She's like "I call you and you're always on the phone with Nikki or Gina (my best friend and my sister) or you're with Adrian... you always tell me you have to go or you'll call me back and you never do..." So, I just got really fed up and said "Maybe that's because you walked out on me 6 months ago, told me I was the most horrible daughter in the world and you didnt want anything to do with me... Now, my father kicks me out of the house and you think you're my new best friend! Well, I've got news for you.... YOU'RE NOT!... Every time I talk to you, you scream at me because according to you and my father, I've disgraced my family because I'm [with someone you dont approve of because he isnt Italian!] When I've been telling you for months that Adrian is my FRIEND!!!!! and I have every right to be friends with whom ever I choose! I'm 23 years old!!! I have my own life... or I'm trying to make my own life because my father practically disowned me! So, leave me alone!!!!!!" We just contined screaming at each other and then finally she says "You know what, Liza? I'm not gonna argue with you anymore because you're not worth it!" So, I'm like "Good, then don't call me anymore!" and I hung up on her!... ARGH!
post #2 of 17
You have to ask yourself ( Is the friend worth losing your family over?) I don't think so.
post #3 of 17
Thread Starter 
My problems with my mother started WAY before Adrian... She walked out on me before I even knew him... My father, on the other hand, started because of him... and to be honest, he's not as bad because he's at least opening up to the idea of allowing me to have control over my own life... See, that's the problem here... My family doesnt try to be there for me and HELP me along... they try to control me... If I dont do it their way, it's automatically the wrong way... I'm sorry that I keep pulling everyone into my problems... I know it's not fair of me, I just needed a place to vent and my friends are used to this... they deal with it every day with me... It's nothing new... They all tell me that I'm right and I cant stress it anymore because I'm gonna end up having a mental breakdown... I guess I just needed to vent... I dont really expect anyone to care... Maybe I'll feel better once I start therapy on Thursday...
post #4 of 17
Theres a saying that goes "You can pick your friends but you can't pick your family!".

But on the other hand your parents may just be worried for you?!.

How old are you?
post #5 of 17
Well, I am 48 years old, and Mama died in 1997. She was very controlling and could be really mean, especially as she got older. I loved her and knew she loved me, but she basically scared the s**t out of me.
I have night mares about her being alive again.
I lived with her always, never got married or left home. It is a long story. PM me and vent ANY time, girl! I would love to talk.
post #6 of 17
Thread Starter 
I'm 23...
post #7 of 17
Oh right so it's not as if your a teenager! It sounds like you need to sit down altogether and tell your mum and dad that Adrian is in your life now wether they approve or not.
post #8 of 17
Thread Starter 
Believe me, Susan... I have... My mother lives in Florida so, I've had many conversations with her but I've come to realize that she's two-faced... She tells my father one thing and she tells me another.. She's told my uncle (her brother) that she's angry with me for choosing Adrian over my family (which I never really did... I made it clear to them that I was choosing ME controlling my life over THEM controlling my life and being friends with Adrian was part of that)... but she tells my uncle that I chose him over my family yet she tells me that my father is being irrational and that I'm right... so, I dont know what to believe from her... I've tried to explain it to my father as well and I think he's finally starting to get it... He went to his first therapy session today... Lord knows what he talked about but no therapist is going to condone him throwing me out of my house because he's racist against my friends...
post #9 of 17
It's silly really isn't it, because no matter What colour Adrian is were all the same deep down!.
post #10 of 17
Thread Starter 
Adrian is truly a great guy... He's so intelligent, creative, cultured, respectable, sweet and he's adorable ... But they never gave him a chance to even show them that... My father didnt say one word to him when he met him and my mother, despite how many times I've made a point to tell her that he's sitting right next to me when I'm on the phone with her, has never asked to speak to him... Everyone who has met him adores him, my sister, my uncle, my best friends parents practically let him live with us when I was living there because my father kicked me out... He's a great guy and I never once looked at him and saw his color as an issue... I love him for who he is... Most of you know that if you've read my Brokenhearted Thread...
post #11 of 17
Hi Liza,

Sometimes even parents who are 'there' for their kids have a hard time letting go when their children become adults. Parents who still have their own issues about control and who have not always made the best choices about raising ther own children, may try to become even more demanding and controlling when they see the children 'slipping' out from under the hand. In many ways, this sounds to me that it is more about your mother's and your father's personal issues in their own lives rather than about you. Because you are their daughter, they may still feel some degree of ownership and 'rights' over you - and the less in control of their own lives they are, the more they might feel the need to try and control yours. Sometimes, it is the child who grows up and becomes the 'adult' and the parents who were never really adults, remain immature.

As hard as it is, at 23 you are an adult and have the right to make and live by your own decisions even if your family disagrees with your decisions. If they believe you are making a poor choice, they can advise you and offer you alternatives, but when push comes to shove, you are the one who has to live your life. Making choices and taking responsibility for those choices can be a very difficult thing at times, but it is the only way that you will truly 'live' your own life, instead of living the life someone else wants for you.

Good luck with this, and good luck with your therapy as well. Having someone to talk to about these things who isn't directly involved and can see objectively can make the world of difference.

post #12 of 17
Hi, Liza! I so admire you for standing up for yourself. I am so happy that you've found a great guy, too. Be happy!
post #13 of 17
Liza, think about what I'm going to say, ok?

If you're that mad over your Mom's words when you spoke, or how the two of you have trouble getting along, then obviously she matters to you or it wouldn't be upsetting you.

Also, I think you're very angry that you don't get along with her and you are seeking that void of love by getting it through the men in your life. And your Mom is trying to reach you in whatever way she can, even if it's through a fight, cause she needs you in HER life.

Just think about this and go with your heart, not your anger. Your heart always points you to what the body needs. Anger always points you to what you don't.
post #14 of 17
Best, simplest advice I can think of giving - you are not responsible for anyone elses behavior but your own. You do not need to feel responsible for upsetting your mom. All you can know is what you feel/need/want/care about/value, and you have to live with the decisions you make in following your own values.

I remember my first retreat at a place called Shalom Mt., during it, my guide for my mat trip, Jerry, told me I was still tied to my mom...our fighting was keeping us connected as closely as an umbilical cord, and around, and around the circle we went. If you do not change how you respond, the fights can not and will not be likely to change. It takes insight, strength and determination to change those patterns...even by 23 they are quite ingrained.

I think therapy is such a wise choice on your part. I wish you all the best as you move forward with your life, and towards the way you wish to relate to your parents.
post #15 of 17
we are in the same boat but i already pmed you.
Its really hard being an italian and fighting with your family!
i dont understand why they have to be so stubborn
post #16 of 17
Originally Posted by fwan
we are in the same boat but i already pmed you.
Its really hard being an italian and fighting with your family!
i dont understand why they have to be so stubborn
There is one good thing about it...stubborness can equate to strength, persistence, sticktoitiveness.

Speaking from experience, I may only be half-Italian but I know all about the passionate -emotional/stubborness genes!
post #17 of 17
Liza, sorry to hear you got into a bad fight and sorry to hear your parents are so racist!

I don't have any advice for you but here's a hug...
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