I seem to venting a lot lately guys, I'm sorry. I'm just having a rough spot I think. But I really need to get this off my chest.
As some of you know, I haven't been working since May and am currently looking for a job. My bf and I are paying two mortgages right now, even though we're living together, because I haven't been able to sell my co-op apartment yet. Anyway, my mom's b-day is next week, and my dad's is next month. My dad called yesterday and said that I shouldn't get my mom or him anything for their birthdays, because I am not working and the two apartment situation. Instead, he said I should write something for my mother, that she would appreciate that so much more than a material thing (I've periodically written things for people in lieu of gifts when I've been broke). Here's the thing. First of all, we are not broke. We are fine. My bf has a good job and I saved money when I was working. I don't like my parents thinking we are having money trouble, for a lot of reasons, one of them being, if I don't give my parents gifts now because of this, I am going to feel guilty every time we spend money on something "unnecessary" for ourselves, like a nice dinner out or a weekend away.
But there's another issue that is bothering me more than the money thing, and that is this thing about writing something for my mom. I just don't feel equipped to do that in a genuine way right now. I am at a point in my life right now where I feel like I am struggling against everything that came before this point--including some things about how my parents and I relate to each other, and related to each other during my childhood. It's not that I hate my parents, or think they were terrible parents, or anything like that. But over the past year or so I've been really having to examine my life and look into myself, and I am trying to overcome a lot of deep-seated things in me, some of which obviously were instilled in me by my parents. I know that my parents did some great things for me when I was a kid, and taught me some good lessons, but I am having some trouble accessing those right now. It's making me feel really bad though to think I can't say good things about my mother, who I love dearly. I also know that she and my father probably discussed the fact that they would say this to me, and if I don't show up at her birthday with something I've written, she's going to feel hurt. I don't want that either. This is just making me feel so terrible.
As some of you know, I haven't been working since May and am currently looking for a job. My bf and I are paying two mortgages right now, even though we're living together, because I haven't been able to sell my co-op apartment yet. Anyway, my mom's b-day is next week, and my dad's is next month. My dad called yesterday and said that I shouldn't get my mom or him anything for their birthdays, because I am not working and the two apartment situation. Instead, he said I should write something for my mother, that she would appreciate that so much more than a material thing (I've periodically written things for people in lieu of gifts when I've been broke). Here's the thing. First of all, we are not broke. We are fine. My bf has a good job and I saved money when I was working. I don't like my parents thinking we are having money trouble, for a lot of reasons, one of them being, if I don't give my parents gifts now because of this, I am going to feel guilty every time we spend money on something "unnecessary" for ourselves, like a nice dinner out or a weekend away.
But there's another issue that is bothering me more than the money thing, and that is this thing about writing something for my mom. I just don't feel equipped to do that in a genuine way right now. I am at a point in my life right now where I feel like I am struggling against everything that came before this point--including some things about how my parents and I relate to each other, and related to each other during my childhood. It's not that I hate my parents, or think they were terrible parents, or anything like that. But over the past year or so I've been really having to examine my life and look into myself, and I am trying to overcome a lot of deep-seated things in me, some of which obviously were instilled in me by my parents. I know that my parents did some great things for me when I was a kid, and taught me some good lessons, but I am having some trouble accessing those right now. It's making me feel really bad though to think I can't say good things about my mother, who I love dearly. I also know that she and my father probably discussed the fact that they would say this to me, and if I don't show up at her birthday with something I've written, she's going to feel hurt. I don't want that either. This is just making me feel so terrible.