divorce

My now ex when I suggested counseling, refused and said, he wasn't the one who needed the counselor, I was. Bottom line is he had met someone else and didn't want to fess up to it so he invented other reasons for bailing. Now, I know that he was not the right one for me, but back then I was devastated. He also would tell me when we did get together that he missed me, but later told me he said that so that I would give him the least amount of aggravation and grief possible. It was a confusing time to be sure, but in reality it was the best thing to have happened to both of us. He did end up getting remarried but divorced after three years. He is to this day still unmarried.

Originally Posted by yayi

It isn't that easy to switch your feelings off.

Tigger, I'm so sorry. Lots of hugs and support thoughts going your way.

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I know, and I'm sorry Tigger if I have offended you. I just know what it is like to be in your situation somewhat. I know you love him but you should want to be appreciated for being you. There is some guy out there that is perfect for you. Someone who will worship the ground you walk on. You have a right to be happy.

Tigger, you have gotten so much great advice here..
I can only wish you the best, no matter what happens, we are all here for you, please remember that~

Tigger - may I put a perspective on it from a male side and from what I have been through. It may sound trite, but, then again, it may not.
I will tell you very honestly, that I have walked away from Carol many times and shot off in the car. Its normally the net result of me wanting something or to change something and Carol not backing down. Sometimes, I just feel as though I cant take any more and rather than do something that may hurt my wife, I walk away. Then I drive and drive and eventually, my head clears.
I have been married to Carol coming up to 9 years in March and we have ups and downs like anyone. Sometimes, when the ups are up, they are incredible and you cant slip a hair between us. However, when the chips are on the downs, we have had some great arguements. Problem with us both is we are both too blasted stubborn to admit when one of us is wrong. I blamed Carol for everything for 6 years, if I got a flat tyre, she must have made me drive the wrong route, if the kettle was broke, she must have used it. We got to such a stage after 7 years that we talked about divorce and moving away, even what we would do with regards to me seeing my son. However, it took me 7 damned years to realise, it was not Carol that was wrong, it was me. I was living in a world where grey and black existed and nothing else. Everything was not Carol's fault, sometimes, it was just one of those things. So, we sat and talked and talked and we talked all night. We both cried and talked a lot more. After seeing the doc, It was depression that had crept in for me and was not recognised and despite the fact that I had a incredibly loving wife and still do, who has stuck with me for years and years, through thick and thin, through good, but maily poor health needing ops, I needed the help and not her. Ok, so I look back and think what I did not do, ie wash up, I got lazy. Now, I know that if I feel as though I am slipping backwards, i just pour it all out and tell Carol. No matter what it is and how pathetic it is. Even wake her to tell her ( I know is selfish, but if I bottle it, then I will explode). I adore my red head wife, looking back - always have, always will and shes the wind under my wings. Without her, as i hope your husband realises, without you - he is and I am nothing. Carol and Chris are my reasons to live and I now count my blessings day by day.
I can only hope and pray that you get back together, if he misses you, thats something. Where ever there is life, there is hope. Sit down and talk, when you feel as though its going the wrong direction and things get nasty, stop, think and then talk some more. Find out whats on his mind and keep getting to it. there will be a root cause to it. A decision like this is something that no one makes easily (unless in mitigating and exceptional circumstances), man or woman. No one throws away years like that. You may find that talking may get to the bottom of his feelings and if he cries, all the better. I adore my wife and son and nothing will change that, it took me a long time to realise that it was me. Through a lot of give and take, I am and remain extremely happily married to the red head from Goole and I will fight and die to keep that. We both come from parents who are divorced, we are both too stubborn to see that happen to us. If all else fails, have a week away, there are flights to the UK and my door remains open to friends. Have a break, change of scene and then go back determined. Even better, both of you go away for a long weekend, the country, the coast, just get away from everyone around you, the same four walls and have some time for the most important people. You and your husband. (if I had the cash, I would pay for you both happily)
I wish you everything that Carol and I now have and as Carol is to me, I hope that you find that wind beneath your wings and you can fly as high as we do.
Fly high and hang in there.
Kevin

I hope everything works out for you even if you guys don't make it just take it a day at a time i know where your comming from because im going through the samething right now so im not much help to you (sorry) But i hope you two can come to some kinda agreement maybe things will work out he say he misses you so that a good thing
hang in there
(hugs)

Oh Tigger, My best wishes to you for this difficult time...

I feel for you.....divorce is never easy, no matter who wants it. Every case is different, and it's up to the two of you to figure out if this marriage is worth saving. I think everyone should have to go through at least 2 counseling sessions. Heck, I don't know about you guys, but when I married my ex and I married Jerry, we had to go to premarital classes! Why not postmarital classes?
In my case, my divorce was the best thing that could have happened for me. I wish you lots of luck and tons of good vibes coming your way!!

Originally Posted by kittylover4ever

Heck, I don't know about you guys, but when I married my ex and I married Jerry, we had to go to premarital classes! Why not postmarital classes?
:

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That would be a good idea.. its like to drive a car you need a license, to fly a plane, same, to learn a language, you attend night classes.... just wish that same could be said for parenting - seems that you dont need a qualification to bring a child into the world.....

I'm sorry that you're in this situation it's tough to decide what the right course of action should be and it's probably too soon to make rash decisions.
Although I wasn't married, I was with someone for 13 years who decided one day he wanted out. I can't say I was shocked but it did take awhile to get used to the idea and now I'd have to say it was the best thing that ever happened to me. My ex sounds a bit like your husband, never helped out, spent his entire weekend golfing, if I was sick he'd head out with the boys. I think for me the scariest thing was trying to imagine living on my own, being responsible for my own budget and living expenses but I did it and am a better person for it.
If I could offer any advice, it would be to give yourself a couple of weeks space from your hubby and don't try to force anything, it will give you both time to think about your futures.
Sorry, I know you said you didn't want a lecture - I'm a teacher so it comes naturally I guess

Originally Posted by Tigger

cindy,
Does this force him into going? Or is it a court order? What will they do?
Arizona is such a screwy state for divorce. If I read correctly on az laws, its ultimately the courts decision as to whether or not it is disolved, isnt it? I know if you dont sign papers after a certain time, its a default divorce. Since you know have been through it, maybe you can help me with some research or what not?

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If you file the petition, in Conciliation Court, they issue a subpoena and he HAS to appear. At least, it gives you a chance to sit down, with a neutral third party and find out WHY.

You can access the A.R.S. online for free and research the divorce laws. Everything is covered. Using that and a paralegal, to draw up papers, I got an equitable property settlement AND a year's alimony WITHOUT a lawyer. Numbnuts tried to get away, Scot-free. He paid his lawyer $4000.00 and I got everything, that I was entitled to. Numbnuts had to pay for my legal expenses, too: the paralegal, copies, postage, etc. I kept every single receipt and filed to the penny.

If you need any help, PM or e-mail me.

I'm sorry for you. I went through a divorce about 6 years ago but it was my doing. Thank dog I didn't have any kids. My brother left his wife and two babies on New Years day as well and my family is pretty upset about it. They just had their second child two months ago and thier oldest is 2 1/2 years old. He is being selfish and is just thinking of himself and there is nothing any of us can do as he goes on the defense immediatley. I hope you two can work things out.

What is ARS and where do I find it?

While he does not want to go therapy (most men don't) Get yourself to a therapist, to help you cope better in this diffucult time. I believe this number is nationwide...1 800-Therapist. Good luck and warm wishes.

Barbara

Sorry to hear that. If you know that you can fix the problem then give it a shot.

Originally Posted by Tigger

What is ARS and where do I find it?

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Arizona Revised Statutes. Title 25 is Domestic and Marital Relations:

http://www.keytlaw.com/az/ars/arstitle25.htm

scroll down and click Article 7 - Conciliation.

Better yet, read as much of this section, as is applicable. You never know what you might need.

Good luck.

Ah, the nefarious 7 year itch. Ask him if he'll consider going to marital therapy with you first. If he does then you know you definitely have a chance. Good luck!

I was going to say the same thing! So few people know about the 7 year itch as there are so few marrages that last that long! lol Basically the man hits his mid years and gets scaired. What is he doing with his life? why isn't he where he wants to be in his career? Will women still find him attractive???(That is the real biggie)

If I were you I would change my hair style and color, buy some sexy lingerie, rent a motel room and invite him over for a candle lit dinner!

Role play, or get a sexy game from an adult store. It may shock him into looking at you in a different light and maybe he will find the spice just enough to keep him with you. Some times couples get lazy when it comes to meeting each others needs and a little something new can go a long way! It couldn't hurt.

Just wondered how things were going Tigger? Keep your chin up - Kev

Oh, he isnt coming back. He called me on Thursday. We talked and there is no use. I asked if he missed me, and he said for the last week he has not thought about me or the cats, that he is not in love with me and does not love with me, and has completely moved on. AND, with that, ALL I have to say right now, despite what he says, or what anyone else thinks or says (here or in life), he has someone, and I firmly belive that. He had a "good" female friend he has known for a year or so now from work .. Well, Since October, he would mention "S this, or S did this, or S that" Im not going to go into the whole thing .. He spilled his guts to her about us in November or so, and supposedly she offered him advice and then he said she opened his eyes up and he was working on becoming a better husband for me (this was a week after my b-day, which was 12/11) ... The signs are there ... 99.9% of the time when someone tells you that, there is someone. I dont care what anyone says .. So, now, I am more *$#)# off and angry than anything .. I didnt cry last night, and maybe for a second tonight, but that was all.. I didnt think of him today. Its just too bad he wont work things out .. Plus, on Tuesday, I have the great luck of picking up the papers .. Supposedly, I have 20 days to pick them up, if I dont then I get served and then have to go to court or some BS about it. And, I also believe this chick (10 years older than him) has A LOT to do with it. The day he opened his mouth to her, is the day it started, I think. NOT once, have I ever shared my history with my husband to a guy.

awe, i am sorry to hear about the problems that you are having... i hope that everything works out for you.. i dont have any experiece in this..
my parents were divorced when i was 4.. and then were back together b4 their divorce was finial..