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Family venting (probably a long one)

post #1 of 19
Thread Starter 
I don't even know where to begin..Guess the beginning would be good.

A few years ago my parents bought 2 ATV's (four wheelers) for all the grandkids to ride. One is a 90cc and one is a 50cc-one is a bit bigger than the other and so on. My sister's kids pretty much for the last year or so have controlled every move those things have made, including when I called my mom a few times to borrow them, I was told to call my sister and ask her if they were planning on taking them first. Another time, we went out to let the kids ride at my parent's house (and yes we called ahead of time to let them know what our plans were), my sister and her husband came and took both of the 4 wheelers and left my kids in tears. My youngest (aka:"crash"), who is 2 months older than my nephew was not allowed to ride the 90 because he would crash it, according to my father, yet Jon replaced the front bumper 3 times because my nephew hit trees. When we did manage to get time for the boys to ride, we spent 3/4 of the time fixing what was torn up from my nephew and neice riding them.

The boys decided probably 2 years ago that they wanted motorcycles so they could race in the youth races with GNCC. Jon and I pondered this for about a year before we decided that we could pull off the expense and the boys were experienced enough with riding 4 wheelers to manage moving up a step to 2 wheels. We came up with the idea that we would make a chart and if they got 100 stars on it each, they could ask Santa to bring them dirt bikes for Christmas this year. The stars included small jobs like dusting, picking up without arguing, pottying on time and so on.

As I posted in a couple Christmas threads, my kids got dirt bikes from Santa this year. Well, New Year's Day, we took the kids, my parents, and Jon's parents with us to a new indoor MX track that some of Jon's friends built in Kentucky. Jon's stepdad, who works at a motorcycle shop in Indy, borrowed a earlier model of the same size to ride with the boys in case they had any trouble. Of course we all had a great time, no major injuries, etc, etc..Sunday, we took the boys to ride at my parents' house since they already have a few trails made that they ride 4 wheelers on. My sister is there with her kids. She asks if her son can ride one of the boys' bikes. We substituted him with the 4 wheeler that they have basically controlled for the past year. As we are leaving, my dad asks Jon how much they want for another bike up where Jon's stepdad works. As we were leaving, I asked Jon what that was all about and he tells me that my dad wants to buy a motorcycle to keep at his house so my nephew can ride with the boys. I didn't say anything all the way home, basically because I was trying to sort out whether I should be annoyed or not.

Well, I am. I have narrowed my annoyance-if you will-this was supposed to be something special that the boys had. Kind of like their own little thing that they could do on their own. Jon and I bought those with our money, we didn't borrow any from anyone. He bought one and I bought the other. The boys worked all year long to ask Santa for these things and now they won't be so special anymore. Add the fact that since it would be another motorcycle, Jon will be called to fix it when it breaks. He is due to start racing again himself the end of this month, combined with teaching the boys how to ride and fixing their breaks and damages, and the 50 (that my nephew killed) he is already working on rebuilding.

It's like at Christmas, my mom asked the boys what they wanted because she didn't have a clue what to buy them. They wanted these interactive robots. My mom didn't buy them because my sister wouldn't let my nephew have one and she just couldn't buy them for the boys and not him too. It doesn't bother me that they didn't get the robots at all. They were noisy and would have drove me crazy, it was just the usual, everyone has to have the same thing. I really do love my sister and her kids, but I am so tired of playing this game of if one has it everyone needs it. I mean, really, is it such a sin that my kids have something that my nephew doesn't, or am I just being an ass about the whole thing?

Jon says not to worry about it, but it just really irritates and frustrates me. I can't say anything to my parents because it will just hurt their feelings and they will say that I hate my sister (the usual).
post #2 of 19
I don't think you're wrong to be annoyed at your folks about this--I was annoyed at them just reading your post. To me it smacks of favoritism toward your sister's children--it's alright for them to monopolize the four-wheelers, leaving out your children, but god forbid they should be left out of something your kids are doing. Pretty annoying. But that said, try not to let it eat you up. One thing you know--your boys are learning at an early age that special things are to be earned, not just handed to them. This is a lesson that will serve them well not only now but as adults, and you can feel secure knowing that they, unlike your sister's children, will know how to work for what they want and will value what they achieve. That will make them successful in all sorts of ways--including that people will like and respect them.
post #3 of 19
Sweetheart....I would be rip roaring mad....how dare they treat you and your kids like that...You say the policy is one has all of them have, but that doesnt seem the case...It seems like what you sister and her kids want they get, and the rest of you have to deal....That is rude and ignorant, and I dont blame you for being upset.....You raise your kids the way you want to raise them....you seem to be doing a great job thus far...... I am completly fummed right now
post #4 of 19
I would be as annoyed as you. There is definitely favouritism there. Does your sister and her family live closer to your parents? I agree with the others that you are raising your boys to be responsible young men. It's unfortunate that your boys have to learn how unfair life is through their own family, but they will be the better for it in the long run.

Your parents probably don't even realize what they are doing and believe they are being really fair by making sure everyone has the "same". They probably have the best intentions so I would try to not let it get to me and know in your heart that your boys are better off in the long term. (Easier said than done I know.)
post #5 of 19
Im sorry but if i were you i would let it all out at the next gathering.
because this is truly unfair. :angry:
post #6 of 19
Just a question, but if the nephew wants a motorcycle why can't his own parents buy it for him, just like you did for your boys? Nope, the grandparents aren't being fair to all the kids as clearly displayed by who gets first dibs on the ATVs. Definite favoritism, and it seems like a pretty thin veil trying to hide that.

You have every right to be not only annoyed, but mad as hell, because what they are showing your boys isn't that everyone has the get the same thing, but that they like their cousins better. That isn't fair at ALL to children.
post #7 of 19
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by valanhb
Just a question, but if the nephew wants a motorcycle why can't his own parents buy it for him, just like you did for your boys? Nope, the grandparents aren't being fair to all the kids as clearly displayed by who gets first dibs on the ATVs. Definite favoritism, and it seems like a pretty thin veil trying to hide that.

You have every right to be not only annoyed, but mad as hell, because what they are showing your boys isn't that everyone has the get the same thing, but that they like their cousins better. That isn't fair at ALL to children.

That was one of my questions to Jon when I went crabby after we got home Sunday night. I said that we pulled it off with our money, we didn't borrow from anyone and we didn't ask anyone for help. They wanted the bikes enough that they worked for them and we made it happen for them. Sad thing is, when Jon and I first started talking about this, we mentioned it to my parents who made it clear to the boys that they didn't think it was a good idea. Now it's a good idea I guess.
post #8 of 19
eeeek its been like 6 hours since i first read your post, and i am just as peeved .........
I am sorry......but you know what your kids will grow, and have moral decency, while there cousins will grow up and be spoiled and selfish...in the end you get the better deal.....i read your post to john, and he was just as ticked.......
just wanted to reaffirm my support to you.......Bless you and your patience
post #9 of 19
OOOOOHHHH, unfortunately, I can EMPATHISE with you. My story is really really strange. My in-laws do the same thing. My husband's brother's child lives with MIL & FIL, anything that my child gets, "Josh" has to get too. My MIL just passed away in Oct. from cancer and my FIL is trying to pay these medical bills off. Josh lives there with my brother-in-law's EX-GIRLFRIEND. My loser BIL (who has 2 other children he does not support) does not live there any more. So that's the really weird situation.

Here's the situation:
Josh is a spoiled @$%!! I love children but can not stand the sight of this kid. He had choked my son who is 2 1/2 yrs younger than Josh not once but twice!!!! One time the little ^#%$@^ punched me! His behavior is out of control. If we go over there, my son is not allowed to play with anything of Josh's. They also buy this kid "yahoo" drinks, well, needless to say my son is not allowed to have any b/c they are for Josh. This really teaches children compassion and how to share huh?

I could go on and on. I'm just going to tell you what I did. One day we went over there and my son was playing with a big ball outside, Josh comes out and takes it b/c it's "HIS". Josh doesn't even want to play with it, he's just being mean. So, I hoped in the car and went to Wal-Mart and returned with 5 just like it. Took a big marker and wrote my son's name accross evey one of those balls. I told Josh he was not allowed to touch any of them and told my son not to let him. Boy was Josh P.O.D and so was his mother and my MIL. (FIL thought it was funny and pretty inventive....he's got this kids #) Then about 2 months before MIL passed away my son wanted one of those "yahoo" drinks and took one out of the fridge. Josh's mother ripped it out of my son's hands and told him he couldn't have it b/c Josh drinks one every omorningn before school. (There were plenty in the fridge) So I took it out of her hands and put it back in my kids hands and looked her straight in the face and said, and I quote,"Don't ever take anything out of my son's hands again. His grandparents bought and paid for these. If he wants one or 10 he has just as much right to them as your son does. If I ever find anyone in this house fight over food again....there will be hell to pay." She said NOTHING. There has not been any more fighting over food any more.

But what ever my son wants and gets, she has to run out and buy it for Josh. We can afford it. She can't. So , I just laugh and think to myself, my son WILL go to college, my son WILL be left an inheritence. HERS will not. I will win in the end and my child is a more compassionate, responsible, sensative likable person.

Don't let it get to you like I did. Wake up. Your children are going to know that value of life, things, feelings. They will be the better person.
post #10 of 19
Wow, I can't even begin to imagine how annoyed I would be all the way around. I don't really have much advice except for at some point, this pimple is going to burst.

I am sooo thankful my new inlaws have accepted my kids as there own and so far no worries. I so have you in my thoughts.
post #11 of 19
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by catherine
OOOOOHHHH, unfortunately, I can EMPATHISE with you. My story is really really strange. My in-laws do the same thing. My husband's brother's child lives with MIL & FIL, anything that my child gets, "Josh" has to get too. My MIL just passed away in Oct. from cancer and my FIL is trying to pay these medical bills off. Josh lives there with my brother-in-law's EX-GIRLFRIEND. My loser BIL (who has 2 other children he does not support) does not live there any more. So that's the really weird situation.

Here's the situation:
Josh is a spoiled @$%!! I love children but can not stand the sight of this kid. He had choked my son who is 2 1/2 yrs younger than Josh not once but twice!!!! One time the little ^#%$@^ punched me! His behavior is out of control. If we go over there, my son is not allowed to play with anything of Josh's. They also buy this kid "yahoo" drinks, well, needless to say my son is not allowed to have any b/c they are for Josh. This really teaches children compassion and how to share huh?

I could go on and on. I'm just going to tell you what I did. One day we went over there and my son was playing with a big ball outside, Josh comes out and takes it b/c it's "HIS". Josh doesn't even want to play with it, he's just being mean. So, I hoped in the car and went to Wal-Mart and returned with 5 just like it. Took a big marker and wrote my son's name accross evey one of those balls. I told Josh he was not allowed to touch any of them and told my son not to let him. Boy was Josh P.O.D and so was his mother and my MIL. (FIL thought it was funny and pretty inventive....he's got this kids #) Then about 2 months before MIL passed away my son wanted one of those "yahoo" drinks and took one out of the fridge. Josh's mother ripped it out of my son's hands and told him he couldn't have it b/c Josh drinks one every omorningn before school. (There were plenty in the fridge) So I took it out of her hands and put it back in my kids hands and looked her straight in the face and said, and I quote,"Don't ever take anything out of my son's hands again. His grandparents bought and paid for these. If he wants one or 10 he has just as much right to them as your son does. If I ever find anyone in this house fight over food again....there will be hell to pay." She said NOTHING. There has not been any more fighting over food any more.

But what ever my son wants and gets, she has to run out and buy it for Josh. We can afford it. She can't. So , I just laugh and think to myself, my son WILL go to college, my son WILL be left an inheritence. HERS will not. I will win in the end and my child is a more compassionate, responsible, sensative likable person.

Don't let it get to you like I did. Wake up. Your children are going to know that value of life, things, feelings. They will be the better person.
My aunt and uncle did the same to us when we were small. Whatever mom and dad had, they had to run out and get the next best up the line. When mom and dad built a house, they not only built a house, it was double the size and 3 times the expense. Same as you, my parents could afford it, they couldn't and still can't. My cousins were instructed to lock the doors of their bedrooms at Christmas time and if anyone wanted to see their gifts, they were to lay them out on the bed for inspection, but no one could touch them. If they were at our house as kids, they got to choose what we did because they were company, if we were at their house, they still chose what we did because it was their house! It was a no win situation with them really. Even now, my cousin can call me and talk for hours on end, but if I call her, she has nothing to say.
post #12 of 19
I feel for you I can relate to your frustrashion and yes you should be mad as hell with them we had a real humdinger with my mother we have 4 children 2 boys and 2 girls 2 being step children for me well my mother hated my son not my step son my son she hated him from the day he was born but my daughter she adored it got so bad that to stop my son being scared for life I stoped talking to my mother and did not let her have anything to do with my family I have no idea why she hated my son she just did so I really can understand your frustrashion and if I were you I would say something because it is not fair to your kids and they are going to relise at some point that there cousins are more important to there grandparants than they are and even if they don't say it there going to be hurt
post #13 of 19
can i ask a question???......
how is the relatiomship between you parents and your hubby, and the relationship between parents and sisters hubby???
could this possibly be an in-law thing???
still makes me mad as hell
post #14 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nebula11
can i ask a question???......
how is the relatiomship between you parents and your hubby, and the relationship between parents and sisters hubby???
could this possibly be an in-law thing???
still makes me mad as hell
I was planning on asking this myself. My MIL HATED and I mean HATED me but adored my BIL's ex-girlfriend, Josh's mother. My FIL loves me but he didn't want to rock the boat too much but he would make comments. They also cater to Josh b/c his dad (their son) has nothing to do with him and is a crimminal. This kid gets everything and if you tell him "NO" he litterally throws a temper tamtrum like a 3 yr old would. So they cave in to him. He very much dislikes me b/c I don't buy it. I tell him he''ll give in before I will and he's learned it 's the truth.

I really think that you need to stand your ground and take up for your children. It will cause problems in the beginning but your children need to see that you are there for them. The other children will learn that you mean business and probably not like you too much but who cares? They aren't treating your children right.
post #15 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by catherine

I really think that you need to stand your ground and take up for your children. It will cause problems in the beginning but your children need to see that you are there for them. The other children will learn that you mean business and probably not like you too much but who cares? They aren't treating your children right.

I agree with you 100%...kids need guidelines...they need dicipline...they need to be taught morals, and loyalty, and they need to be taught of love, kindness, selflessness, and friendship.......but utmost they need to be taught respect... I attribute a lot of this generations "lost children" to having not been taught respect....These kids obviously have no respect for there family, for there possesions, or for there integrity.....and this can be blamed on no one but the adults in there life........
post #16 of 19
Thread Starter 
My parents really like Jon. They wish that my sister's husband was a bit more ambitious, meaning that he works about 5 months out of the year and spends the rest of the time out with his friends, leaving my sister at home with 3 kids, but they like him too. Actually, after the baby was born this past April, he decided he really wasn't ready to settle down afterall and left for around a month. She puts up with him for whatever reason.

As far as Jon's parents go, I get along fine with his whole family.
post #17 of 19
I won't go into it but for me it was my brother and I he was the favored one, and it spilled into our children. I havent spoken to my mother or brother for 12 yrs now,and am alot happier. I don't know if getting it all out will change anything, it will be healthier for you, but I am sure your parents will say it is not true and you are imagining it. I do suggest that you learn to be around your parents and sister less so you don't have to stress out over this , and tel your parents that you will be spending less time there for your health. There are somethings we just have to accept we can't change and get on with our own life. Good luck! cat.
post #18 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by Abby7625
My parents really like Jon. They wish that my sister's husband was a bit more ambitious, meaning that he works about 5 months out of the year and spends the rest of the time out with his friends, leaving my sister at home with 3 kids, but they like him too. Actually, after the baby was born this past April, he decided he really wasn't ready to settle down afterall and left for around a month. She puts up with him for whatever reason.

As far as Jon's parents go, I get along fine with his whole family.

geeze then i dont know what the problem is...besides them being incredibly rude....well i hope things work out.....good luck
post #19 of 19
[quote=Abby7625]My parents really like Jon. They wish that my sister's husband was a bit more ambitious, meaning that he works about 5 months out of the year and spends the rest of the time out with his friends, leaving my sister at home with 3 kids, but they like him too. Actually, after the baby was born this past April, he decided he really wasn't ready to settle down afterall and left for around a month. She puts up with him for whatever reason.

As far as Jon's parents go, I get along fine with his whole family.[/QUOTE

There's your problem. Your sister's husband. Your parents are looking at it like this: you and your husband are stable and provide for your children. Your sister and her husband are not stable and do not provide for their children. By providing for, I mean emotionally. So, your parents are trying to fill that void with material things. In the process, they fell that they are doing the right thing and do not know who you and your family feel about it. I too have a sister who doesn't not provide emotional support to her children. My parents did something similar. They would go to everything that these children were in b/c the parents weren't there for them but didn't come to my son's events. I called them on it, we did not have an arguement just a talk and now they split their time equally.
Your parents may feel the same way, I think that you should keep a journal of events that happen and approach them - without the journal. If they don't believe you THEN you can take it out to jogg their memory.

GOOD LUCK!
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