Need to vent -- Sorry

Sorry. I know none of you really know me and probably couldn't care less about my problems but if I don't vent *SOMEWHERE* I think I will explode! And I have no where else to go. So if you read this, my apologies in advance.

I just have no idea what to do. On top of working usually a 45 hour week (this week it's more like 55) I do everything. Take care of the bills, do the laundry, wash the dishes, clean the house, etc. etc. And I feel as though I get no appreciation for it whatsoever.

My boyfriend, on the other hand, works 25, maybe, 30 hours a week. And he does (I bet you guessed it..) ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! Seeing as my work days are usually double (sometimes triple!) his you would think he would chip in and help out more. Of course not.

I just cannot keep up with everything. Something always needs to be done. Like right now I'm in the middle of taking down the Christmas tree. By myself.
And after having a horrible day at work this isn't helping any.

His actions are making me love him less and less. He doesn't seem to think what I do has any significance as he doesn't care if things are clean or not. I'm not asking for everything to be spotless but helping out once in awhile ***will not*** kill him.

I feel that I'm stuck. I do not want to move back home but can't afford to live on my own. I'm currently looking for a roommate on rent.com but I'm leary of moving in with a complete stranger and don't know anyone personally who needs a roommate.

I just have no idea what to do.

It would only be worse. It sounds like a good idea to look for a roomate, I don't have any other suggestions, except have you talked to him? and what does he say? At the moment I am a sahm, so I do most everything in the house and take care of the kids, and I get frustrated because no one helps out, I have also worked part time , took care of the kids, and cleaned and it is frustrating, so I am glad you found him out before having kids and being married. Good luck !

Talking to him seems to make no difference. And he wonders why I like the cat more!!

I'm sorry. I really don't have much advise - but I do strongly sympathise - I dated a total loser who couldn't do anything for himself and made me do EVERYTHING while he sat on his butt doing nothing for a year and a half, and I got very, very frustrated, too. I will say - if you've tried talking to him and he's not willing to meet you even part way and work on things, then don't waste your time anymore hoping he'll change and staying in the relationship. If he hasn't yet, even after you've tried to talk to him, he won't, and you'll just get more and more frustrated and things will just get worse. That's what I wish someone had told me back when I was in that sort of relationship, at any rate.

A roommate does sound like a good idea, though I would be leary about it too - maybe if you're too uncomfortable with it, you could move to a smaller place (not sure how big your place is now) and that would be affordable on your own? I live in a studio apt. (though I was lucky to get a large one with several different rooms, not just the typical one room thing, for those thinking "Oh my god, she lives in a studio with four cats!"), and while it's not ideal, the rent is cheaper than it would be for a one or two bedroom, so it makes it affordable for me to live on my own even though I'm a student. Or, do you live in a city now? If so, it's often much cheaper if you're willing to move just outside of a city rather than right in it (though for all I know you already DO live outside of a city). Those are really the only suggestions I can think of other than a roommate, sorry. Good luck!

I agree with kylie....you can find studios for real cheep out there, and usually all utilities are paid for....I say dump this loser, if talking isnt getting through his thick skull...well what are you supposed to do...I say give him the boot and if worse comes to worse just move home with your parents for a little while until you can save up for a new place...I have had to do that before and there is no shame in it!!!!!.....I have had nothing but problems with roomates though so I don't want to tell you that you should persue that avenue.......
In any case i wish you tons of luck...and am sending you tons of good vibes and .....and another thing...dont ever apologize for wanting to vent....we all care here I have on many occasions seeked out the wisdom of the men and women on here for council......so anytime you need to vent just do it...its better then bottling it up........best of luck

well we just got in another huge fight and I'm off to stay with my mom for the night.
Hopefully, I can figure a solution out soon.

Thanks, catlover juniper and nebula, for your concern. Hopefully, I'll be back to tcs soon.

awwwwww goood luck!!!!!!

My quick and simple advice is..he isn't worth it and if he cannot see now how he is harming you, I highly doubt it will change.

Been there, done that for 10 years and 4 kids because I felt stuck as well. Don;t let this get worse, move on with your life and you deserve better.

I agree. Most people who are like that will never change. That's not fair that you would have to do everything. I am so sorry. Luckily though, you aren't married. Being married makes it a little more difficult. Let us know what you come up with.

I agree with all of the advice youve been given so far. What I can vouge for though is people dont change unless they want to. HE doesnt want to,, you want him to. You might be able to nag enough to see some differences but it will be for the wrong reasons so it will not last. He may say things will be different and he may begin to help out like you want him to, but then you will gradually see his help start to taper off then, again,,become non-existant....sorry Hon.,,,Be very strong in your resolve to move out and make it work no matter what must be done. Because if you give in to him now then you will just wind up 4 yrs down the road, pregnant, with the same old lazy bum boyfriend-husband, and really,, I mean really feel stuck. GOOD LUCK!!!!

I am so sorry this is causing you so much stress. On top of it all, we can't pick the poeple we fall for, can we? That's the other element which makes it doubly hard to just walk away. BUT if I were you I would firmly, but gently, let him know that he is making his choices and you will need to to make yours. You need to see what the relationship is NOW, not the potential it has or what might be down the road. It does sound like he's taking advantage of your good-natured-do-it attitude and many of us know exactly how that feels. But you are not the city dump. And he needs to understand that as a lover not a maid. If you live together you have four eyes, not just two, so I doubt the dust and dirt and chores are seeable only by you. I hope it gets better and you can find a win-win. Maybe She/He chores to divide up the things he hates but you tolerate, and that you hate but that he can tolerate? Many men take the word "help" to mean they are "assisting you in what you are doing." Don't say the word "help" anymore if you already do. It's as much his responsibility as yours. And if that won't work and it's killing your love, then the idea of an apartment just for you is a wonderful one.
Love,
Elizabeth

I hope you can find a place of your own. Maybe a apartment over a garage or a mother in law cottage behind someones house. When you live with someone you usually find out if you are compatable. I think you know this isn't quite what you had in mind when you moved in. You are probably paying the lions share of the bills too?

Well, I think you can do better by yourself. Get to know who you are and what you want for yourself before sharing your life with someone else. This will build your confidence and give you a better image of your self, because you succeded on your own.

Life is too short to spend it slaving away at work AND home. Enjoy life with you and your kitty. Expand your horizons and give your self a break.

If you choose to stay with this guy tell him that you are dividing the chores and any chores he does not complete by a set date (say Fridays) he will have to pay you to do it for him. Have a list and amount he needs to pay. Have him sign it. This way you don't have to nag or complaine, if it isn't done you make a little extra money to spend on yourself or the kitty.

If he refuses to pay, well you do have a contract and it can be legally enforced It may be just enough to move out.

Ok now I will get off the fence.

I know how you feel. My boyfriend's mom did EVERYTHING for him and his brother as a child. He had no chores or duties whatsoever, nor was he ever taught how. He dropped a yogurt a month ago and tried sweeping it up with a broom, making more work for me. My b/f is the only one who moved out...his brother is 23 and at home so who know how he'll be later on his own. Needless to say, he also does very little. He does do the dishes and cooks at times, and puts his clothes away if I get on his case enough, but nothing else. I am fearful of this oming semester when I student teach, and have even MORE stuff to do. I have lived with him for two years now. He at least realizes the place would fall apart without me, but yes, it does irritate the hell out of me that he can't even take out the garbage on his way out the door (the dumpster is on his way to class). I have to tell him to and even then, there's a less than 50% chance he will so i end up doing it.

If you are fighting so bad over this that you can't be around each other, then it IS time to find a roomate or new place! Don't let the situation escalate much further.

Did you both sign a lease? When is it up?

You have every right to vent, and this is honestly a good place to do it. You are amongst friends. And friends who do understand, trust me.

Originally Posted by valanhb

You have every right to vent, and this is honestly a good place to do it. You are amongst friends. And friends who do understand, trust me.

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Got that right Vent away that is what we are here for and we all care what happens Dump is the word coming to my mind right about now. It want be easy but you can make it on your own.

Originally Posted by sofiecusion

I know how you feel. My boyfriend's mom did EVERYTHING for him and his brother as a child. He had no chores or duties whatsoever, nor was he ever taught how. He dropped a yogurt a month ago and tried sweeping it up with a broom, making more work for me. My b/f is the only one who moved out...his brother is 23 and at home so who know how he'll be later on his own. Needless to say, he also does very little. He does do the dishes and cooks at times, and puts his clothes away if I get on his case enough, but nothing else. I am fearful of this oming semester when I student teach, and have even MORE stuff to do. I have lived with him for two years now. He at least realizes the place would fall apart without me, but yes, it does irritate the hell out of me that he can't even take out the garbage on his way out the door (the dumpster is on his way to class). I have to tell him to and even then, there's a less than 50% chance he will so i end up doing it.

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I understand this situation SOOO very well. Brad is like this. Now he realizes that I WON'T do everything! I've finally let things go until they've run out and he's HAD to to them on his own. I've had to do this because he once asked me to do his laundry when I was so sick I could hardly stand, well that was the end of his needyness. I couldn't do that anymore. SO now he helps, granted not very well, and only once in awhile but he helps. But he does cook so that is nice. ( I can't cook to save my life! LOL!) so though we have our differences, and sometimes he drives me insane by not helping out as much as I'd like him to, he is my ying and I am his yang. and I love him.

Jugen, I have tried that and yes, he will go and do something such as his workshirts if I don't have time or am too sick, but that doesn't stop him from getting on my case to do it, despite me telling him I'm too sick or busy...it really urks me sometimes! I love him and he treats me well. I'm at a loss.

I think men are men. why can you do? Brad is slowly learning that I can't do it all. I just needed to reverse what his mom put into him I guess would be the right words to say. It will take time and soon he will see that I won't be his mother, doing everything he needs. He has to learn that he needs to take up the slack also. With me working 48 to 60 hours a week and him only working 30 to 40 a week, well, it is going to be a long haul, but I WILL train him right! LOL!
and if we ever DO have kids(goodness forbid), my boy will learn that he has to do laundry, cook and help out around the house, just like any girls do!

Good luck with that! Scott says the kids can be trained and he can do even less!

Originally Posted by sofiecusion

Good luck with that! Scott says the kids can be trained and he can do even less!

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LOL! hmmm... maybe that therory is correct, but then at least the future women won't have to deal with this? LMAO!!!