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Yesterday was a bad day in the neighborhood

post #1 of 38
Thread Starter 
It started out innocently enough, I finally got a doctor's appointment, a real one for Mike. But when he found out I had made it, he exploded at me. Said I could go alone, because he wasn't going! I snapped about then- and we had a raging fight. We have been married 18 years and I can count on one hand how many actual fights we have had. This one was a bad one, culminating in something i don't normally do delivering an ultimatum. Either he goes to the doctor next week or I leave him. I told him I won't sit here while he kills himself from stupidity. He didn't believe me, then he capitulated and said he would go. But said he was really angry. Then last night he changed his mind and said he wouldn't go...sigh....

This morning, my girlfriend came with her trailer and we started loading my two horses inside. He saw then I was serious. He stopped the loading and we sat down and had a good cleansing talk.

Turns out he is scared, and mad at himself for not paying attention to his body when he could do something about it, and now that is spiraling out of his control he is agitated. Plus his blood sugar being so high makes him irritable. It was a good talk after a really dark day yesterday. I had left him for four hours, didn't tell him where i was going, just took off for a long drive and a walk around the lake.

I did tell him that i left one man because I didn't care enough about him, but that won't stop me from leaving the only man that ever mattered to me in my life. I would not sit here and watch him die and do nothing to stop it.
post #2 of 38
Sometimes you really have to take drastic action to get somebody to wise up. You did the right thing, M.A., because he really must start taking better care of himself. I just hope it scared him enough to have a long-term impact.
post #3 of 38
Sigh, MEN!
post #4 of 38
What a hard day for you both. It can be so frustrating trying to get someone to take proper care of themselves. The last time my dad saw a doctor was about 30 years ago. He really needs to get his cholesterol checked out, I've got really high cholesterol with a fairly low cholesterol risk lifestyle and my dad has some telltale signs - but no-one can get him to see a doctor. For the same reason that Mike said - he's scared. My dad is so scared of dying that he won't go to the one person that could make him better if he had anything wrong. The reason why - he's afraid of what he might hear . It takes something really hard-hitting to get through that (I haven't managed it yet). It sounds like you had to take some hard-hitting action to get through to Mike.

I hope it settles down for you now and he can get his body back under control. It's been a really hard time for you and please know that I'm thinking of you both now and sending you both wishes that you are now reaching the end of this difficult period.
post #5 of 38
Mary Anne, I'm so relieved to hear that you had that talk, and that both of you really do understand what is going on now.
post #6 of 38
I'm sorry it had to go out in such a bad way, but at least he understands the severity of it now. I hope he realizes that by not having it taken care of, he's hurting you. At least good came out of the fight. Love and hugs to you both.
post #7 of 38
It takes courage for a man to admit he's scared. It takes courage for a woman to get him to that place.
post #8 of 38
I thought he was scared...it's quite something when you realize your body isn't going to work normally any more and you have to face it.

I'm sorry to hear of such a bad fight, but I hope the cleansing talk that came after, will help Mike see he's not alone in dealing with this, and that he can begin to deal with it.
post #9 of 38
<SIGH!> That WAS a bad day! One can hope that he'll have wised up some because of it -- enough? We'll see, I guess. At any rate, it's good that you got some of the stuff out in the open -- much easier to deal with it, once it's named. It's very hard to offer your support for something he won't even acknowledge.

Still praying for you both, and I'll be thinking of you, as you take these next steps.
post #10 of 38
I'm glad you both finally got all that out in the open. You're both still in my prayers.
post #11 of 38
Originally Posted by mrsd
It takes courage for a man to admit he's scared. It takes courage for a woman to get him to that place.

I wish all the very best for you both and hope things start to turn around. It's clearly really tough for you both right now.
post #12 of 38
Oh dear! I hope you both are okay!

post #13 of 38
I admire you for having the strength to do what you did for your husband who you obviously care a lot about. I hope things get better.
post #14 of 38
MAry Anne, I have been thinking about you and praying for you both.
post #15 of 38
I admire your courage MA. Some people are very stubborn about their health. I know this from experience. Stick to your guns MA and hopefully everything will turn out. He needs to see how how his stubborness about his health affects not only himself, but those around him. I hope everything is okay.

post #16 of 38
MA, I think it's wonderful that you had that talk with Mike. He should not be ashamed to admit to you that he is scared. You are his wife and you should be the first to know about his feelings and vise versa.

Communication is very important in a relationship - without it, you don't have much.

Hugs to both of you!!!
post #17 of 38
MA i wish you all the best.

Atleast now he has admitted his problem.

Men can be so silly at times. But i hope everything works out for the good
post #18 of 38
Glad you both cleared the air and can get on with what needs to be done!
post #19 of 38
Wow. You did the courageous thing. The right thing. Good for you! That fight may well have saved his life. To him, the scope of his health problems may seem "too big", but once he sees a doctor, and a plan is implemented, he may regain a sense of control over his health. Men seem to need to "take action"...it seems to make them happy .
post #20 of 38
Mike was not only scared but he didn't want to look weak and helpless to you, the person he values most. Glad to hear you had a talk to clear the bad air.
post #21 of 38
Sorry I can't add anything that hasn't been said. I hope he comes around.
post #22 of 38
I'm glad you did that Mary Anne. You shouldn't have to sit there and watch someone you love die through stupidity. Men can be like that sometimes. I hope he keeps doing the right thing.
post #23 of 38
Thanks for keeping us up to date, MA. My heart goes out to both of you. And I'll continue to keep you both in my prayers.
post #24 of 38
I'm so sorry - nobody needs this sort of stress

Thankfully the treatments for diabetes keep on improving. If he is not already testing his blood sugar level, his doctor can recommend a device for him - it allows him to track and chart his BSL. Knowing where he is at allows him to adjust his insulin intake or any other medications that he may be taking for this.

(I have diabetic relatives in my family, I know how skittish they can get sometimes about going to the doctor - the worst part is NOT knowing or assuming the worst - it doesn't have to be that way.

post #25 of 38
I'm just so sorry, Mary Anne, that you are enduring such incredible stress right now in your life and with the man you love so dearly. You did exactly the right thing to make your feelings so clearly known, and I'm glad Mike got the message. You only want what is best for him, but only he can make the effort to care for himself. You know that you both remain constantly in my thoughts and prayers.

post #26 of 38
understandably he is scared but so are you...i think you did the only thing you could do at this point....i would have done the same....i wish you both the best, and good job i hope his openess and realization continues....
post #27 of 38

Wow... I dealt with that with my mom. Her and her lungs. She finally decided to start taking care of herself AFTER she had cancer. When she realized she was dying and nothing could be done about it.

I fully understand not wanting to sit and watch someone who is a part of you wither away by their OWN choice. They can help it but they don't. What they need sometimes is a swift kick in the pants, as my grandfather would say. Sometimes people can shut themselves into a dark world inside where they try to make themselves believe that things are NOT the way they really are. They may function from day to day on the outside, but they are hiding.

I am so sorry that YOU have to deal with this. It is HIS problem. When you fell in love with him, a part of you was changed. He has become a part of you in ways. As a part of you, his health effects YOU too. Even if it's not the same physical problem, his health effects YOUR health, and vice versa. He might not realize that is true. He may even feel as though ignoring it will go away. Unfortunately that isn't true.

With him being a part of you, and him slowly killing himself with neglect, he is also killing you. A part of you. I understand wanting to move away from that part. You are a very valuable and important person. There is no reason to sit there and allow yourself to whitness a slow suicide.

I really hope he does realize that you are serious. I hope more then anything that he WILL start taking care of himself. 18 years is a lot to walk away from, and especially when you care so deeply. At times though, we need... NEED to take care of ourselves. Not many women, or people for that matter, would be able to put their love on the line like that. It hurts to loose someone, but it really tears you up more inside, to watch someone suffer. And to watch someone die, especially when you know it could have been prevented.

I can attest to that. My mom COULD be here today if only she would have taken a little time out for her own health. Instead we watched helplessly as she slowly killed herself. Then right after she got herself on track, and started taking care of herself, she found out she had cancer. She fought so hard, so hard to live, but she'd already given up... Unfortunately some people don't realize they want to live until they are dying... Some people don't even realize they are killing themselves until it can't be stopped...

For strength, patience, understanding, and love...
post #28 of 38
Hissy, I think it was a great day in the neighborhood.

Know why?

Because you and Mike got some things cleared up which had been eating at you both for some time. And more clarity, a deepening of both compassion and understanding (on both parts), can only be a good thing.

Sure, it was hard. But I've yet to discover anything in this world, when dealing with emotions and life questions, to be easy. The outcome was worth all the upset and turmoil. On the whole, and in the end, it was good.

Hugs to you both.

post #29 of 38
MA, since the fear of dying wasn't the motivator we vibed and prayed for, thank GOD love was. Your strength should be a lesson to us all.

post #30 of 38
Mary Anne glad you and Mike had a talk! I really hope he understands of his serious problems.
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