how do i walk away

batgirl2good

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Same here! I have never been married, but I think that you have been given some good advice.
It would be sad to me to live with someone, but to feel alone and to be unhappy.

Originally Posted by Cyclesarah

Rhonda, sorry I cannot help you, but your happiness is important, and I want you to know we are here for you!
 

jennyr

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I will just add something to my previous post - my ex was basically a good man, we just found eventually that we had nothing in common. And of course I wanted to avoid hurting him - it was one of many reasons I put off doing anything for years. But then I realised I was hurting him more by staying - we were not getting younger and both of us needed a second chance. He was lazy and as long as he had meals and a warm house he was prepared to carry on. Also, he loved our daughter and was a good father, and he still sees her often. He has remarried, I have not and don't intend to, but we are both happier in our new lives. Someone once said to me that it is easier to be alone than lonely with the wrong person.

When I told my daughter we were going to separate (she was 14), she said that she had known something was wrong from when she was a little girl. Not that we ever fought or anything but she said 'Mummy, you and Daddy never look at each other, you never hug or touch. You are not connected at all'. That was the only time I cried through the whole business.
 

flisssweetpea

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For all those who've had a bad experience before - don't think that you won't find happiness again. This is my hubby's second time round, he had an unhappy time first time that lasted 11 years. He wasn't looking to get married again. But when we met he said he just knew it was different. Next year, will be our 20th anniversary and he tells me that he is happier now than when we first got married (it took him a while to completely cast off the shadow). I've never had any doubts and, although you can never predict the future, don't see why anything should change.

So don't give up on happiness - even if you don't find it first time around
 

lillekat

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Heya sweetie - that's exactly what my parents went through, and I'm sorry to say that my dad was a cheat. it might not be the case with your husband though. If you're miserable, get out. That's really all I can say, but there comes a point where you have to do things for the sake of your own sanity. If you're not in love with him, then tell him. If you want to walk away and start again, do it. Don't hang on for the sake of hanging on. My parents did that for 9 years or so before finally admitting their marriage was over - and it made the whole family miserable. It's difficult to play at happy families when you're not feeling it inside. All I can really offer you is the advice - follow your heart. If it says leave, leave. You can't make it love someone if the feeling is gone. Trust me when I say that you'll feel better for it once you've done it. I'll be here to offer you a shoulder to cry on when you need it.
 

rosiemac

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Rhonda i've been in your shoes and i know exactly how your feeling!.

I was married to Ed for 18 years and i was in a rut for most of that time. We stopped doing things together such as going to the cinemas, going for a meal etc..and because he was in finance he was always in bed early to get up early so i was basically on my own for most of my married life.

I've lost count the times when i would remind him how we'd stopped doing things together. Don't get me wrong he was and is a lovely man!. I had anything i wanted, an open cheque book, large house etc.. but the spark had gone from our marriage as far as i was concerned.

A year before i left Ed i started seeing someone from work, and yes i know theres a lot of people who disagree in what i did but these things happen!.

I was shown attention by this other person, something that i had missed all those years with Ed and i started to see a different outlook on my life!. When i left him not only did i break his heart but i gave him a nervous breakdown as well. I was torn between him and my new partner and was almost ready to go back to Ed but then i had to think "was i going back because i do really love him or would i be doing it out of pity?".

My happiness was more important than money and the material things that i had with him and i gave them all up and i've never looked back and that was 6 years ago. Fortunatly we had no debts and i still don't so i can manage fine on my wage, plus i have my own house.

At the end of the day Rhonda the only person who can make a decision is you, it is a hard one to make and i really feel for you right now because when i decided to leave Ed it was the hardest thing i had ever done, but i had to start putting myself first for once!.

Your still young and you still have a life ahead of you


You know where i am if you need a chat
 

captiva

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Rhonda,

I'm sorry you have been going through this turmoil in your life. I don't have much to add that hasn't been said, but before giving up, please think about what you think will make you happy. A good marriage doesn't always a happy person make. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that do not expect the other person in your life to complete and fill all the empty spots iwithin you (and I'm not saying that you do this). There are plenty of other ways to feel that your life is complete: family, friends, pride in your job, etc. There is nothing wrong with feeling comfortable in marriage. If you are miserable - that's another story.......
 

dawnofsierra

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Thank you for sharing this with us, Rhonda. Sure wish I had the perfect advice to offer and hope you find the happiness you are so seeking. I support you completely whatever you choose to be the best decision for your life, and am always here to listen.
 

fwan

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well i can only tell you from a daughter point of view.
My mum and dad have never really hugged. I have never seen them kiss.
i dont know why my mum started drinking heavily, but my dad never took her to councelling. He never went to get her help. He only ever abused her. Which of course made the situation worse. But they did have happy times when we went on holidays ect.

But now she is in hospital and has started to realise the consenquences.
If she had gone into rehab the first time she went to hospital they would be happy and together right now. My dad has never abused her when she was sober. He just doesnt realise that she is sick. But he is sick too.
He told the lawyer that he wanted a divorce but then he goes and tells my mother he doesnt know. He said to me why do i lie to my mother when i didnt i was just telling her the truth. He saw her for the first time last night since she tried to kil her self and he was so mean to her he wouldnt even talk to her, he would just tell her to go away. He wouldnt even give her money but then he did.
He has been meaning to pay us a large sum for us to leave but he still hasnt done it and now im scared that he wont and then we are just going to be stuck here.

But since you dont have kids you have one less thing to worry about.
I would go councelling with him together, I would help my self and him.
I would sit down and have a proper talk, because if you are going to be like my dad and just ignore the situation and being 2 faced its so hard to understand what is going to come next, and what you exactly want.

I hope all the best for you and good luck.
let us know on the updates
 

gratefulbear629

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Hi Rhonda. I am sort of going through a similar situation. Although I have only been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years now. And it weird, it seems like things changed after my grandfather (who was like a father to me) died. I wonder why that is. We have gotten in many fights and say that we were over and that one of us was going to leave but it hasn't happened yet.
One of my New Year's Resolutions is to be more caring towards him. I hope one of his is to help more around the house!! lol
Well today is actually his birthday so I'm going to go make him breakfast.
Whatever you chose to do, make sure it is for you and that you will be happy.
Good luck.
 

kittylover4ever

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Rhonda, just caught this thread. I am sorry to hear about the emotional toil you are experiencing right now. That is tough. Being divorced from someone that I still like, but found out never was in love with, I can relate. I would never knock my ex husband. Sometimes people get together for what ever reason, and sometimes they don't work out. But like everyone on here has been saying, please think this through and try at least to go to some kind of counseling. At least then if you end up divorced, you won't look back and think, "what if". There is happiness out there.....I"m living proof of that with Jerry. There was a long time there that I thought I would never meet my Mr. Right and I was resigned to that fact. But then he came into my life when I least expected it. Being married isn't for everyone.....I think each individual is different. Just please exhaust all possiblilites of working things out before calling it quits for good. Whatever you decide, we are behind you! We're all here for yoU!
 

hissy

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I haven't read all the responses here, just feel led to share some of my story. I stayed with a man (married) for ten years. Our relationship was borderline insane, that's the best term I can come up with when I think of all I allowed this man to do to me physically and mentally. Part of our problem was substance abuse, big time. Thank God that is in my past. I haven't had a drink in over 22 years. He was also an athiest, used to take me to church, and sit in the parking lot in the van and smoke a joint! This was way back when, and drugs were "cool" Don't ever buy that story. We split on our tenth wedding anniversary and I thought my world had ended. It didn't. I went on to better things, I would have never done had I stayed with him. He finally got into rehab and after a 10 year absence from my life made a sudden appearance to beg my forgiveness for all the crud he put me through.

Now I am remarried, and I find the two relationships as different as night and day. I had quite an adventure with myself before I got married again. And I know, if this marriage fails, because even if it is a good marriage, good marriages take work, I will be okay. But if you stop caring, stop working, take each other for granted or become complacent you will lose the relationship. No one likes to feel that they are not special- I guess my question to you is how hard are you working to make this work, or is is easier to just walk away and become a statistic?
 
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rockinrhonda

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Originally Posted by hissy

I haven't read all the responses here, just feel led to share some of my story. I stayed with a man (married) for ten years. Our relationship was borderline insane, that's the best term I can come up with when I think of all I allowed this man to do to me physically and mentally. Part of our problem was substance abuse, big time. Thank God that is in my past. I haven't had a drink in over 22 years. He was also an athiest, used to take me to church, and sit in the parking lot in the van and smoke a joint! This was way back when, and drugs were "cool" Don't ever buy that story. We split on our tenth wedding anniversary and I thought my world had ended. It didn't. I went on to better things, I would have never done had I stayed with him. He finally got into rehab and after a 10 year absence from my life made a sudden appearance to beg my forgiveness for all the crud he put me through.

Now I am remarried, and I find the two relationships as different as night and day. I had quite an adventure with myself before I got married again. And I know, if this marriage fails, because even if it is a good marriage, good marriages take work, I will be okay. But if you stop caring, stop working, take each other for granted or become complacent you will lose the relationship. No one likes to feel that they are not special- I guess my question to you is how hard are you working to make this work, or is is easier to just walk away and become a statistic?
moring hissy,

thank you for your post you are always so kind and have so much to say where people like me can understand
congrats on your 22 years that is so awesome
Godbless you always


I really don't know right at this moment how much im willing to try yes i wish more then anything i could fill the love that i once had for ron all i know what im feeling right now is very sad and lonely and very confused. Sometimes i say to myself what do i have to loose maybe i should just stay in this marriage so i won't be alone but i don't think that is the answer i know that this drinking didn't help this situation but i think ron stared the drinking when i started working nites there was a time when i was home every night and we would sit down and have dinner together and thats about the only time i would eat right and felt better

in away im a person who is very hard to get close to i tend to pull away im going to ask ron when he gets back from visiting his sister does he want to go to counelsing right now his sister has pancris cancer and its going to be a very hard time to deal with this right now so im going to wait on this for now

hissy have a blessed day


im off to work now talk at ya'll later
 

dragonlady

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Hi Rhonda,

I have a bit of advice that you may or may not find helpful. I may even get a bit of flack from others that do not feel as I do. There is a book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" that has really helped me put things into perspective. Stop looking for what you don't have, and consentrate on what you do have.

You say that you both stopped drinking and you think he may have started again. Are you both going to AA? Are you getting into any sort of support group? (Besides us silly!)

Things to think about:

If you feel he isn't as close to you as he used to be, what have you done to make him want to be closer?

Have you told him how much he means to you?

Is there something he likes to do and does well? Do you give him compliments about it?

Have you done anything to make him feel important to you?

If he was abusive, refused to work, or is cheating then by all means leave, but if you are just bored, or you fel you need to change him to make you happy...

Try to remember what it was that caused you to fall in love with him in the first place, try to recreate the romance, work on the marraige, surprise him with a love note in his lunch or a candle lit dinner. Whisper naughty things over the phone and giggle like a school girl telling him to hurry home. If you lift his spirits he will in turn be the man you want him to be and he will fall over trying to please you. Super clean the house and add scented candles for a romantic scene for when he comes home, maybe put on something slinky... (cats in a seperate room from candles)

Ok, I'm done
 

flisssweetpea

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No flack, I believe it's all too easy to forget the things that make you happy as on a day to day basis it's the little things that irk which come to the fore. However, if having thought of the things that make you want to be with this man they simply don't add up to much then it might well be time to walk away.
 

graykittenlove

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I really don't have a lot of advice but I agree with everyone who says that counciling. I'm a real advocate of trying to save a marriage as long as there is no abuse or cheating. Love is something so precious make every attempt to save what you have you may be surprised by what you find hiding in the corners of your heart.

Also just a suggestion is there anyway you can stop working nights, maybe change to another shift or find another job? I know substance abuse whether alcohol or drugs is a very difficult problem to deal with and people need all the support they can get to battle it. And if it helps you eat right and feel better then all the more reason to try. It might not be possible but thought I'd put that out there.

At any rate, we're all here for you.
 

sashacat421

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Originally Posted by DragonLady

Hi Rhonda,

I have a bit of advice that you may or may not find helpful. I may even get a bit of flack from others that do not feel as I do. There is a book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" that has really helped me put things into perspective. Stop looking for what you don't have, and consentrate on what you do have.......
What could possibly be negative about this?? Tess this is a wonderful bit to read and think about. And I, for one, think it's only a postive message! No flack here at all. One of my most realistic things to think abut when I wonder sometimes how Eric and I will be in the future (yes, even I do wonder about that!) is that one person cannot be your Entire Village. IOW, people used to go to the grocer, the blacksmith, the bookstore, the candle maker, the cobbler, the locksmith, etc. etc....they did NOT find everything in one place. Until recently. I really do think that we have replaced our marriages with a one-stop shopping mentality. That instead of looking for friends, activities, hobbies, and/or spirituality to provide different dimensions of what we need, we expect a Wal-Mart relationship!

Just my pea brain opinion, Rhonda, and you know I care about you.
-E.
 

lillekat

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You know, having read a lot of these posts (I can't admit to reading all of them because I don't have my glasses on and a lot of it's guesswork)
it seems there are lots of great ideas out there. I seem to recall seeing the word spirituality mentioned somewhere... though I can't say I read a lot else because like I say, it's all fuzzy. I could be wrong. I've found that reawakening my spiritual side has been a saving grace in rough times. It's only been a recent discovery for me, because I felt like I had nothing left to give and nowhere else to go. But it seemed I did... and I found it in my belief in angels and spiritguides. Now I know you're all thinking "nutter", but it's helped me through a lot and I feel a lot calmer for it. I can think more clearly and come to rational solutions for any problems. Maybe it's something that you'd like to try...

I don't know what it's like to be married to someone you lose the love for, who treats you more like a friend than a lover... but I know what it's like to live with someone who treats you like a slave/maid. I very quickly lost my love for that man. Believe me, it was the best feeling in the world to be rid of him. You don't realise how bad things are until you start to feel better. But as I said before... we're all here to vent at. If you can't let out to friends, who can you?
 

ttmom

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Rhonda, the drinking is reason enough if you really need to leave him. If there have been major changes in your life, like you quitting drinking and him going back to it, you may not be suitable for one another anymore. That happens. I don't condone splitting, but when such drastic changes have happened (and that is a drastic change) you have a good reason. I would suggest sitting down and writing out your pros and cons to see which list is longer and then maybe sitting down and talking it out with him if you can. If you can't get the pros to outweight the cons it's time for you to move on.
 
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