Is this rude, or am I being oversensitive?

We just received a Christmas card from one of my bf's friends addressed as if we were already married--you know, "John and Jane Doe" sort of thing. I'm not offended exactly, but I do find it sort of impolite to start addressing me by bf's name when we're engaged rather than married AND the friend doesn't even know if I'm going to actually change my name after we are married.

Be completely honest with me--am I being nitpicky?

Originally Posted by mamacat

We just received a Christmas card from one of my bf's friends addressed as if we were already married--you know, "John and Jane Doe" sort of thing. I'm not offended exactly, but I do find it sort of impolite to start addressing me by bf's name when we're engaged rather than married AND the friend doesn't even know if I'm going to actually change my name after we are married.

Be completely honest with me--am I being nitpicky?

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IMO Nope!

WELL you are Ingaged, so why not accept the last name??? I did well I would rather have his last name than what I have now "butts" yup thats my last name . Years of torment from that very name. Well The friend wasnt tryn to be rude. He kjust njows you two are getting married.

And why dont you wanna change your last name?? you can still have your last name and just have his added on??

Ashley

It depends on what the person is like - if you think they were trying to do it to "get to you" or not. They may beleive that you would have liked to see your names like that, so were writing it to show that they were being thoughtfull of your relationship.

From past experiences, even if you don't change your last name, you will get things addressed as such... and occasionally I get things addressed to MR. and Mrs. Maidenname instead of Mr. and Mr.s Marriedname - hubby hates that.

Originally Posted by golden_moon_luv

And why dont you wanna change your last name?? you can still have your last name and just have his added on??

Ashley

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I thought of that, but if I added his name to mine, I'd have a total of 22 letters in my full name--as a practical matter, I think that's just too dang long.

Originally Posted by Talon

It depends on what the person is like - if you think they were trying to do it to "get to you" or not. They may beleive that you would have liked to see your names like that, so were writing it to show that they were being thoughtfull of your relationship.

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I didn't think of it that way. That's a good point. I definitely don't think he did it to get to me--he's a very sweet guy and we get along really well. I'm thinking you might be right. Anyway, it's not so much that I'm mad about it, just slightly...eh...I don't know exactly how to put it. Just thinking it was a little impolite I guess. But now that you've said that... I'm rethinking my feelings about it...maybe.

Be completely honest with me--am I being nitpicky?

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Personally? I think yeah, kinda

I typically wouldn't do that, but if I did it would only be in a nice sorta way... I wouldn't mean to be insensitive or impolite or inappropriate by doing it. If I was on the receiving end, I'd probably take it as a compliment.

Just a question - does he know your last name? I have occasional difficulty when I realise I know one half of a couple's full name and not the other one. Then how do you address them? It sounds even worse to put 'John Doe and Jane' than John and Jane Doe!

Originally Posted by jennyranson

Just a question - does he know your last name? I have occasional difficulty when I realise I know one half of a couple's full name and not the other one. Then how do you address them? It sounds even worse to put 'John Doe and Jane' than John and Jane Doe!

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That's exactly what I was thinking Jenny.

In a way, nitpicky, yes... in a way, not at all. If you are engaged, you are NOT married yet. Maybe the friend thought it might have been cute, or you might have liked it? I was very picky when I first got married, I told the guy who was marrying us NOT to call us MR and MRS so and so such and such. Just because I married him does not mean I want to be addressed at MRS. first and last name of my husband. I have my very own first name, a gift from my mom on the day I was born But... I am a very particular person in ways, and extremely nitpicky also.

I would probably have thought it was rude. lol if it were me.

Originally Posted by jennyranson

Just a question - does he know your last name? I have occasional difficulty when I realise I know one half of a couple's full name and not the other one. Then how do you address them? It sounds even worse to put 'John Doe and Jane' than John and Jane Doe!

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Yeah, he does know my last name, I'm positive of it.

Originally Posted by ComeresMom

Personally? I think yeah, kinda

I typically wouldn't do that, but if I did it would only be in a nice sorta way... I wouldn't mean to be insensitive or impolite or inappropriate by doing it. If I was on the receiving end, I'd probably take it as a compliment.

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I hear ya. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's not that I think this guy was trying to be...whatever...I'm absolutely sure he had the best intentions. I was just wondering if I was being sorta oversensitive by being a little bothered by it, and I'm starting to think that yes, I was being oversensitive.

No, I agree with you. The card should have had both your names. It's etiquette.

i have been called Mrs oldenburg and im not even married, it kinda just suprised me but i went along with it anyway haha.
Im not sure if you are nity picky but you also have to look at it from the persons point of view

Originally Posted by Talon

occasionally I get things addressed to MR. and Mrs. Maidenname instead of Mr. and Mr.s Marriedname - hubby hates that.

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Oh I'd like that, I like my last name better!

IMO... if you're offended by it, then you can be - it wasn't the right thing for him to do, etiquette-ly so if it bugs you, then you're allowed to be bugged!

Was your future hubby offended??? Maybe this isnt a real close friend of his and rather then guess your last name he thought he would play it safe......lol....rather just do that then ask...ya know like directions....lolol

Well, I kept my maiden name when I married - 49 years with the same name and all of my identification, credit, professional history and publications in the same name -well, I didn't want to have to start over my 'identity' from scratch:-).

We get mail addressed to us by both of our names, by Mr. and Mrs. with his last name and by Mr. and Mrs. with my last name. In many cases, it is because people don't know how to address us, or that I haven't taken his name and it is convention to make sure a last name is included on addressed mail.

Your fiance's friend may have had a memory lapse with your last name even though he knows it, or maybe he thinks of you so much as a couple that it was just a "Freudian" slip. Unless it really does bother you, I would just let it be. If it does bother you, then you can maybe find a way to tease him about it in a friendly way. If he is the sweet guy you say he is, then his intent wasn't to be insulting. Our names are important, yes, but I think I would be more pleased that I received the Christmas card even if the name wasn't 'perfect'. It is the thought that counts, and I have always liked to give others the benefit of the doubt.

Kathryn

I think the easiest solution would be to throw away the envelope and chalk it up to a short term brain malfunction on your fiance's friend's part. Or as a subtle hint, send him a card and put both your first/last name and your fiance's on the return address.

My boyfriend is quite the popular one around this town. I will be out shopping and one of his customers will say "hello Mrs Chambers!". Some of these people I don't even know! It catches me totally off guard, but I usually just go with it instead of correcting and possibly making them feel dumb for just being friendly.

Stef, if you really want an honest answer, I do think you're being a bit nitpicky there. You might find it offensive... but how much room is there on the front of an envelope to put both your full names on the front? Sure, she could have just written John and Jane. Does she know some other couple "John and Jane"? Personally I'd be flattered that she had so much faith in you two as a couple to feel that she could address you in this way. But hey, you can't win them all can you beb.