Angry and could use some advice

stormy

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Ok, here is the situation,
Background:
I have a niece and nephew, whose parents are seperated. My sister has custody. Their father has everyother weekend visits.

My nephew lives with us (me & my other sister) and my niece lives with her mother.

Their father is less than stable, he has a history of mental problems and violence (though not to the kids that I know of)and it puts my bp up everytime they have to go because a few times he has threatened to keep them.

The father has tried many times to get custody, but has failed in every attempt.

My sister has just has recently served him with court papers to get the weekend visits withdrawn as it is a 6 hour round trip there and back (yes, he moved way out of state). Because it is just too much on the kids and they wind up missing some school on a count of it.

The problem:
This was the father's weekend for them to visit. My sister's car died last month and she doesn't have the finance to get it fixed yet. So he said fine, I'll pick them up and bring them back.
He called my sister and started cussing her out for no reason (like he needs one!
) Saying he wasn't bringing them back and she'd better come and get them. So she tell's him fine I'll get my brother to drive me up there to which he and his (also unstable) wife start yelling at her and telling her they are going to call the police on her!


I'm not too good with these kinds of things so my other sister has been talking to her. She got her to call the police up there but there was no answer. So she called the police in her hometown and they called there and my nephew & nieces father and his wife started screaming and yelling at the cops!

So the police are writting up a report about it and if they don't bring the kids back by tomorrow my sister will press charges.

I can't believe they don't understand that that is kidnapping! My neice and nephew also need to be in school in the morning, but he doesn't care about that I guess.

Enoungh venting from me or this will keep going on and on!

I'll keep you updated.
 

ash_bct

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Please do keep us updated...
I have no advice for you, I wish I did, but what I can offer is a big
and that you know my thoughts and prayers are with you and your sister as well as her kids
 

rapunzel47

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Also no advice, but lots of
and prayers that this will get worked out quickly and without the hassle that looks likely.
 

noni

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Couple of things I always try to remember when this sort of stuff happens.

1. If you're dealing with someone who has a real mental illness, and not just one we think he's got, and he's not getting treatment nor medication, then he is NOT thinking about things like a rational person. If you add alcohol, the problems intensify. There is no use talking to someone who is drunk anyway.

2. Those are his children, and so it's not really kidnapping (according to the courts...personally, I think it might be). It's something that the cops will have to intercede in, but they have to take certain steps prior to being able to arrest him (on a violation of a court order). Once those parameters/steps are met, then the cops will be able to do something.

3. As much as you don't like him (and I don't think I'd like him much, either), he is a human being with emotions and thoughts and feelings and wants and needs, just like the rest of us. While it is extremely difficult to deal with someone like that, it helps me to remember "well, he's human, too...I have to give him that much respect." I also try to remember that everyone, always, is doing the best they can at any given moment and in any given circumstance, even if *I* know they can do better; they're doing the best they can.

Hang in there, dunno if any of this helped, but for you to remain angry is not going to help your sister or the situation. Being angry clouds your thoughts, and makes your blood pressure rise. Pull away from the anger, and you might be able to help the situation.

Best-
Michele
 

abby7625

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It irritates me just reading this because that man has absolutely no regard whatsoever for those children and what they are feeling. Why some people cannot understand that it scares and hurts kids to see things like that is beyond me. Sorry, ranting here..

I have been through the same thing many times with my ex husband (and father of my youngest) to the point they made his visits supervised and made him travel 4 hours for 2 hours of visitation once a week until he gave it up.

Please do keep us updated and prayers for you, the kids and their mom.
 

lorie d.

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I don't have a lot of advice for you, but since the dad is unstable, maybe he should have supervised visitation with his kids in the future. This means that whenever he spends time with his kids, another person (preferably a social worker) is there to observe the visit, and make sure it is in the kids' best interests and no harm comes to them.
 

ttmom

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We go through this kind of junk all the time with my SS's mother. First of all, what do the papers say on meeting to exchange children? Do they say how much each parent has to do (ie. where they meet, who drives where, etc.)? Also, she should have gone and let them call the police and just make sure she keeps her papers with her because they would have told them to return the children. Those papers are very important and make sure she follows them to a T. I don't know about getting visitation revoked, but at least she could get things better specified (such as he's not allowed to take them out of town).
 

gratefulbear629

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Perhaps there is a way to withhold visitation until he and his wife are professionally checked out for their mental and his violence problems and sought help for them? God forbid something happened while they were at his house.. 3 hours is a long way away. Have the children said anything has happened while they were visiting him?
 

catherine

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I was in a very similar situation with one of my sisters and her kids. From my experiance, this is what you need to do:

1) Get a note book!!!!! Write down EVERYTHING!! Dates, times, what was
said, if he was drunk, who he was with.....EVERYTHING!

2) Try to have an extra person with you who is removed from this situation
for your witness.

3) Use that note book as your weapon.....when he time comes, appear in
court with it and present it to the judge.

The judge will use that note book to help him make his decision. The more information that you have written down, the more he will lean on that to help him with his ruling. (Anthor sister of mine is an attorney....judges love good documentaions of situations.)
Always make sure that you keep yourself composed and do not let your emotions run high when around him. This will ensure that you will come out smelling like roses.

I wish you luck and hope the children will not be affected by his wild behavior.

Good luck again,
Catherine
 
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stormy

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Thanks for the advice everyone!

Gratefulbear, the only thing they say about their visits is having to baby the 2 younger kids all of the time their father and wife have, sometimes they leave my nieca and nepphew alone with the younger ones overnight and expect my niece and nephew to stay up all night until they get home!
 
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stormy

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Oh yeah, i forgot to mention their ages. My nephew just turned 17 and my niece is 13.

New devolpement:
Their father called my sister and said he keeping my niece because she told him she wants to live with him...which is not true, she might have said ok to shut him up but a few weeks ago at school she broke down and confided in the school consoler what's been going on. That he'd been telling her that he was gonna ask her mom if she could stay all of next summer and for her to just pack all of her clothes and not mention anything to her mother and he would just never bring her back. Plus at the same time he was telling my nephew he was gonna move to a totally different state next summer.
 

maverick_kitten

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i know this isnt much comfort but in a few years time it'll be up to the children to decide what they want to do and if they wish he cant touch them.

13 and 17 is old for him to force them into staying with him, he obviously doesnt respect them as semi-adults or people in thier own right.

just hang in there, i hope everything works out ok.
 
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stormy

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Thanks everyone.

My sister called this morning and what she didn't tell us last night was that her ex called her and said they were all in the car and he was going to crash it and kill everyone.
Then he called back later to say that he was going to keep my neice, he's focusing on my niece because he knows he doesn't have much of a chance for my nephew to want to live with him.

Then after that my nephew called my sister begging her to please come and get him, which is something he's never done before.

my sister has called the police this morning and they are checking to see if a restraining order she previously had is still good and that should help legally.
She's still waiting on a call back from them.

My stomach is just in knots with worry. I hate just waiting around for news.
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mamacat

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Does your sister have a court-approved legal custody agreement with her ex? If so, she should tell the police this--if he is keeping the kids beyond the visitations allowed by the custody agreement, he is in violation of a court order and the police can retrieve the children and arrest the ex. Your sister might also want to get in touch with the lawyer who handled the custody agreement and ask if she can go to court for an emergency order revoking visitation, which would also then allow the police to go and get the kids.
 

kittylover4ever

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OMG, this guy is off his rocker if he threatened to crash the car and kill them all.....I sure hope she can get some help and get him away from the children.
 
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stormy

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Originally Posted by mamacat

Does your sister have a court-approved legal custody agreement with her ex? If so, she should tell the police this--if he is keeping the kids beyond the visitations allowed by the custody agreement, he is in violation of a court order and the police can retrieve the children and arrest the ex. Your sister might also want to get in touch with the lawyer who handled the custody agreement and ask if she can go to court for an emergency order revoking visitation, which would also then allow the police to go and get the kids.
Yes, she has legal custody. I'm not sure if she still has a copy of the document or not, she's moved a few times since then and it could have been misplaced. She called the court this morning I'm not sure if she wanted to get a copy of it or to find out what her options are, they are suppose to call her back as well.
 

mamacat

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Originally Posted by stormy

Yes, she has legal custody. I'm not sure if she still has a copy of the document or not, she's moved a few times since then and it could have been misplaced. She called the court this morning I'm not sure if she wanted to get a copy of it or to find out what her options are, they are suppose to call her back as well.
Good. Even if she no longer has a copy of the custody papers, the court should be able to fax them to the local police department if necessary.
 
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