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Rules For Cats Who Have A House To Run

post #1 of 12
Thread Starter 

Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.


If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.


Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.


If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering".
Following are the rules for "hampering":

When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work.

Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.

For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.


As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their co-ordination skills.


Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.
post #2 of 12
Thanks for the good laugh. And my cats can identify with almost all of them
post #3 of 12
It's really cute. It reminded me of all the different cats that I've had.
post #4 of 12
That was adorable. :tounge2:
post #5 of 12
These kitty activites are all so true!
I have 7 of them 'hampering' my reading and walking ability.
post #6 of 12
You forgot to mention that leaping up moving legs as they pass by is a good way to remind people you are there. Another method to increase a human's agility is to wait until the human is changing clothes, is balanced (poorly) on one leg, then to charge into the dangling foot at as high a rate of speed that can be managed. If done properly, this causes loss of balance and the human falling over - hopefully not onto the cat.
post #7 of 12
Thanks for sharing that! It was really cute, and so true!
post #8 of 12
Thanks so much for enlightening me. I think mine have tried just about all of those, plus a few more. Buzz words around my house "Hey, watch where you put your tail" We found this applies to the cats & people (we have to look for them before we move and they like to swish us in "delicate" spots as we are dressing or sitting wearing shorts in the summer. Mind if I print that out? I have a few friends who would enjoy it!
post #9 of 12
Thread Starter 
Yesterday, Basil sat so close to my coffee (on the computer desk) that he dunked some of his fur in there.

So I guess the forgotten rule of running a house would be to make sure there is always a cat hair in your owners food (thanks Garfield for spreading THAT one around! :laughing2 )

Basil's favourite hampering is chasing the pen (on paper) or the mouse cursor (on the monitor).
post #10 of 12
That was great!! and all are sooooooo true, I think my cats must have studied this in "Kitty College" cos they do all of it just perfect!!! The only thing that I thought was missing is the fact that when they accompany you to the toilet, they do actually have to sit on your lap as soon as you've sat on it....of course this is only necessary when you're actually on the toilet - it's not at all necessary when the human is sitting on the couch calling you for a cuddle.......
post #11 of 12
You know my cats!
post #12 of 12
Boo that was *great*!! I can't tell you how many times we come home from work and ALL the doors are ajar from Chloe's exploring. Or the many times she'll sit and meow like she's going to die if I don't let her outside for a bit, but then when I sit there with the door open she just stands there and looks at me, looks outside, looks at me, looks outside...and then decides she doesn't really want to go out. ARG! But I love her so much because she makes me laugh so hard and I also get to work on my patience A LOT!!
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