feeling messed up...

ok... this is a pretty ok evening at the moment, so I'm feeling like I can talk about all of this mess. It's all been a long time coming I reckon, which is probably why I feel so low all the time now. I'm fed up of putting on the happy smiley face and pretending like evrything's fine because all I'm doing is lying to myself.

As most of you know, I've been a single mum for the last nearly 4 years - I had my son when i was 17 - and I threw out my ex-fiance because he lifted his hands to me. Since then I've been on my own. I dont' know why it gets to me so much because I have wonderful support form my mum and my brother and even my partner though at hte moment he's 700 miles away. I get crushingly lonely at the end of the day when Alex goes to bed because I don't see anyone and I'm stuck within the four walls until I go to bed myself. I crave company because I don't get it very often. I'm constantly worried about money because of the bills and the huge council tax bill *** left me with when he moved out (he was telling me he was paying it, and didn't bother, so I was left with an £800 bill). I know I'm not cut out to be a mum - and I have to get up every day and face it anyway. Every time I look at my son I can see the man who hurt me. He is so like his dad that it breaks my heart. None of this is Alex's fault, but I still feel resentment towards him. I love him with everything a mother could and I'd crawl over broken glass and hot coals for him.... but every day I get to the end thinking that I can't face another day of it. I can't do this any more. The weight on my shoulders is so heavy that I can almost feel it physically sitting there like a black shadow,. I lose my temper so easily these days - it feels like I'm constantly walking a knife-edge. If I fall one way, I get angry, if I fall the other, I cry and the bt in the middle cuts deep all the time. I'm sick of people telling me that I'm just being silly and there's nothing wrong with me. I don't need a doctor to put me on drugs to make me go loopy. I don't need a support group - which turns out to be just a bunch of people getitng together to be miserable at eachother instead of sitting at home being miserable. I always feel like I need an escape. I know I can't go on like this - but I cna't see the way out. They want me to see a therapist, but I'm terrified. I've got a lot of things in my past that I don't want to resurface. It's taken me this long to admit that I've got a problem. My brother commented today when he saaw me - that "what happened? All the sparkle has gone from your eyes". Nothing had happened. Nothing different from any other day of my life. the same old worries. The same old stress. The same everything. I really look forward to getting to Copenhagen - the time can't pass fast enough for that as far as I'm concerned. People say that being a mum will be easier when I'm with a partner - but I cna't be guarunteed that. They said it would be easier when I was with his father, but look where that got me. I've got to plan my whole life around being a single parent - it's really hard for a spontaneous personality to be caged up like this. I hate feeling confined. I hate being alone. I hate feleing this way. I hate feeling this resentment towards my own son - it makes me feel guilty. Because I know that this isn't what any mother should feel about their child. What am I doing wrong? I just can't look at him wihtout seeing the swine who left me the way he did. *** still pulls the strings whenever he can. I'm terrified that he'll track me down when I move. I can't say I don't want my son.... I just don't feel right as a mum. DOes that sounds wierd? I donl't know. I just wanted to vent something and get a little bit off my chest. I'm afraid I'll have to stop there though because the tears have stopped me seeing properly now. I'm so glad I can touch type.

Awwww Emma! You know what you need don't you?, some quality time with your girlfriends, to go out even for a few hours and have a giggle even if its just once a month!.

Can i ask why your moving all the way to Copenhagen?

Aw, I feel so badly for you... especially because I haven't been in your shoes. I know at times I feel bad when I see a movie or eat a certain food because it makes me remember my ex and it irritates me... I think in situations like that you just have to get past the problem - which in your case would be your ex-fiance. And keep telling yourself that your kid is NOT like your ex... that he's sweet and wonderful and HIM and you love him.

Oh and if you want, I'll come up with Susan to have a girl's night out.

I dont' ahve any friends around here any more to go out with. The one I do have I only ever see her every 6 weeks because she works so much just to keep her flat. I know it's so wonderful when I get to go and stay with mum for a night, but it's not quite the same relly. I love her and all, but I hate to feel like I'm crimping her style I'm moving all the wya to Copenhagen to live in the apartment with my partner and so that we can all have a fresh start together as a family. Rune's been on about it for a couple of years, but I wasn't in a position to move then with all the legal stuff *** was putting me through. Fortunately he still doesn't have any ties that could make me stay in the UK with my son, legal or not. I've finally been able to get into a position to leave so we can finally all be together. It makes a big difference to know there's man out there who really does want to be with me AND my son. But I can't escape anything here. I can't escape my ex at all. I try so hard to keep on telling myself that Alex is nothing like his father, but they're almost identical. And to think he even had the nerve to accuse me of having an affair and that Alex wasn't his. Every time I look at him I hurt. I find it so hard to even talk to him sometimes... and I shouldn't feel like that, ever. He is sweet... he is adorable... but truth me told he deserves better than this.

Oh of course he's the big blonde Dane isn't he!!!, i remember now

What about the mums at playgroup is there non there?. Your friend that you see every 6 weeks, could she not come to yours with a bottle of wine and vice versa?, that way your still having a good old girly gossip, because she must be fed up herself if she's having to work all week and not go out?!

Have you lived with Rune before?.

If ever you want a chat on the phone just let me know because my mobile is free to ring landlines!.

First of all let me just say I have great respect for single moms. I only have one daughter, but I must tell you, I don't think I would have made it if I had not had my husband by my side. You ladies amaze me.

How long has this ex been gone? Is it fairly recent? If so, perhaps with a bit more time you may be able to look back with less negative feelings about him and therefore also your son. As a mom, I personally don't think you can love and adore a child 24/7. There were days I wanted to leave home, shake the kid silly, etc., etc. Fortunately I didn't do any of those things.

I sense you are feeling a bit of guilt because your son reminds you of the ex and you feel you love him less because of it. I don't think that's the case at all. I also hear you love your son very much. I think when you look at your son it just brings back pain and that will pass. In your head you know that little boy is his own good little person even if physically he looks like someone who wasn't such a nice person.

Perhaps some of your past issues that you are reluctant to share with a therapist are part of the problem as well. Why not try a therapist for a couple of sessions and if you start feeling uncomfortable with where they are going, you could always stop going, but in the meantime they may be able to help you with the issues with your son and his resemblance to his dad and also your feelings. It couldn't hurt - even one session may help.

We all need help sometimes in our lives, whether it be from friends, doctors, therapists, or whatever. It's nothing to be ashamed of to ask for help.

Good luck and I hope you feel better really, really soon.

i havent got any girlfriends to go out with either. i have one but you know shes not......... i am grateful to have her as my friend but she only ever talks about work and she made it so drastic when her parents are going to move. Its like she... i dont know.. She kept on saying that my parents werent seperated and it really hurt coz she doesnt know anything that is going on at home.
I would love to come and visit you in copenhagen or vice versa!! Once i move out you could alway drop off your kid to my house when you need a break hehe
Ben likes Denmark, we even considered moving there but it wont be for another 3 - 4 years.
But i sure hope that you arent stuck with my cousin if you are from scotland... because form what i hear he has done the same thing... to his ex wife and then he dissapeared adn they know nothing to where he is.
Dont know about now though.

You have always given me great advice and you were there for me. Although we dont know each other very well i feel so close to you.
I hope when you move to copenhagen, you will have lots of girlfriends and a wonderful life and marrige if you are considering of course !

Normally I only see Vicky for 5 minutes at a time - she's still trying to help her mum through because she lost her husband and Vicky's father only a couple of years ago. They're still taking it really hard because he was so young and it was very sudden. I'd rather that she went and saw to her family than me. She's probably more fedup of hearing about my troubles. I don't drink very often, because I always finish up feeling lower than when I started. Plus it makes me ill. It's no fun. DOn't get me wrong, because I do get out... not often, but I do. I just have to come back to all this... and that's what gets to me. I get that hour of freedom that I crave... but then I have to give it all up again. It's ok for whoever to come along and say "well, you made your bed, now lie in it" but no-one really takes on what I try to say to them, I feel like I'm just a skin covering a huge ticking time-bomb, that I don't know when ti's all going to completely explode. I would love to be a normal 22 year old just for once. Alex is only accepted at playgroup for three mornings a week - because his behaviour isn't quite up to snuff. And one of the leaders has absolutely no qualms in telling me that. Sometimes she talks to me like I'm a scolded ten year old child. I'm the only single mum there. And my son apparently doesn't deserve the chance to have the 5 days a week that would help his social skills along. there is just me and him in this house and no other kids near him that he could play with. Any interaction he gets is through the playgroup and at the park. They didn't want to take him for the 5 mornings because "it's not fair on the other kids..." meaning the ones that do as they're told and are obviously worth putting that effort into. I did stand up to them on one of my better days. They said they'd think about having him in for 4 days a week after Christmas, which I suppose is a start. their idea of support isn't much help to anyone. I tried to get in touch with Gingerbread... and aorund here they were about as much use as a rice-paper fire-hose.

Sorry ex wife or gf i have no idea, but i never met him.
He is the son of my uncles wife.

Originally Posted by LilleKat

I would love to be a normal 22 year old just for once.

Click to expand...

You're the same age as me? I had no idea! Oh that makes it so much harder for you... wanting to be a regular 20-something, going out, etc... I'm so sorry... wish I could be there to help/hang out with you!

*** has been gone for nearly 4 years. I just don't understand why it still hurts... I despise him and everything he fails to stand for. So why does it still hurt?

Do they not have a mums and toddlers organisation?.

I'm trying to think of everything i can for you. I wished you lived nearer to me!

Mother's Day Out sort of thing?

Susan, up here a lot of people wish they lived closer to anywhere! Civilization would be a good start for most people! I really appreciate all of this guys... I just needed to let off a little bit of excess steam to somebody instead of doing it alone for once. I'm surrounded by angels

Where abouts in Scotland do you live?. Your not in the Orkneys are you?!

hehhee but heading in that direction! I'm just a little way south of that - I'm near INverness. About 80 miles south ish of the Orkneys. YOu can certainly get there form here in a couple of hours!

That explains it!

Hey i tell you whatwe do work over there from time to time, so if ever you want one of our crew over for a cuppa just let me know, because they'll soon have you cheered up!

Thanks Susan What is it you do?

I'm a receptionist for a sign company, with 4 of us women to 40 men!, but their great, well apart from a couple but no one speaks to them anyway

When will you be going to Copenhagen Emma? and wont you miss home?

Scotland has never been "home". I'm a good ol' Yorkshire lass. We came here when I was 3 because my dad was posted in the RAF, but we all hated it. Up here it's wierd... the communities are so close-knit that they're all related - and if you don't come from that family group, you're immediately alienated. Forres isn't so bad, because it's a bigger community... but after 14 years in a fishing village you can't help but crave a bit of change. I've been in Scotland for 19 years... and I haven't enjoyed it. No, I won't miss Scotland at all. I'm moving in July.... and it can't come soon enough, I'm so close, and still so far. I love Denmark - we have the apartment in Copenhagen itself (I love cities) and a family summerhouse down at Fakse Ladeplads (about 80 miles south of Copenhagen). It's right on the beach where the water gets warm enough to swim in (the North Sea ain't no fun up here) and you can bathe naked and no-one would look at you twice. unless you'd forgotten to take off your sunhat or something daft. I'm Scandinavian at heart - mum's side of the family came from malmø in Sweden which is, incidentally, only 30 minutes away from cph by train. There's a lot of Scandinavian blood in the family on her side.. and it's been calling me home for a long time! THAT's where home is. Even from a very young age I knew I wans't meant to be in the UK. Kinda a gut feeling... know what I mean? I pick up languages really quickly... and I feel Danish inside. (no naughty comments on that one please, Susan ) It's wierd... and it's been happening since long before I met Rune. When I did meet him I felt like I'd known him since forever - he used to lose track of where he was, and I could reply in English without thinking. I knew what he was saying even though I didn't understand the words... it took a while of that happening one day before he clocked where he was and what he was saying. He was astounded that I understood. When I thought about it... so was I! I must have met him before in another life. I'm pretty sure of that one - I'm going to blag a free past-life regression form my dad's girlfriend to satisfy my curiosity on that matter.