i need some advice.

My mum wont stop crying and she doesnt let my dad talk to her.
But she will go there and bi*ch Bi*ch and bi*ch.
On the other hand my dad wont tell to her face that they are getting seperated and that they are both moving seperate ways.
He only goes to talk to her if there is any dinner.
How do i calm her down when she wont listen?

I'm really sorry sweetie, but this sounds like something you've got to let her get out of her system. When it all comes down to it, you're the victim of a bad fall-out. Your dad needs to tell her so that she can deal with it properly, otherwise this is going to screw her up even more. At some point I think it would be wise to tell them both that they need to talk to one another, for YOUR sake. They will both love you more than anything, and if they respect that love, they'll realise that by being this way they are hurting you. They won't want to hurt you any more than you already are. They need to work this out for themselves. I tried to help my parents when they got separated and it hurt me more than I needed to be. It was incredibly difficult. You've got to sit down and say that although you love them with all your heart, you don't want to hear your mum bad-mouth your father, and vice-versa. You don't want to know about any of the bad stuff they've got to say about one another - because that isn't for you to hear. Don't try to get in the middle and try to referee though babe, if I were you, I'd lay low a bit. If they come to b1tch at you, you just tell them that you don't want to hear it. This is for your own self preservation - I know it's really difficult to watch both parents hurting - my dad blamed mum for the separation even though it was him having the affair. All i heard was the bad stuff about one parent form the other, no matter which way it went and it left me and my brother with no-one to turn to when we needed it. I finished up really hurt and confused. You dont need to hear the verbal abuse that they have to say about each other. I really don't want to see you get hurt any more sweetie. The best you can do is tell them that and let them get on with it - but your dad does need to grow up and deal with the situation by telling your mother to her face that this is what's going on. Your mum needs to grow up and stop b1tch1ng. It's funny how in this situation, adults finish up acting more childishly than their kids. You've got your own emotional mess to come to terms with, you can't sort them out as well babe. You keep your chin up though and you'll come out the other end in one piece. You've always got us to come to.

She calls me over to tell me that my dad is selfish for taking out food for him self and not for us.
Then i ask her what she wants to eat and she says she doesnt know.
Now she is eating in the kitchen and says she hasnt eaten for 2 days. and she tells me to fu*k off and she will only eat bread.
I planned to order food but i think im off it for the moment

yeah, my mum went like that for a little while too. My mum lost an awful lot of weight through stress - but it really is something that she has to deal with. Of course the alcoholism isn't going to help at all either. If your mum tells you something bad about your dad again, tell her you don't want to hear it. Same goes for your dad. You aren't piggy in the middle. They each have to understand that you love them both - b1tch1ing about eachother to you is incredibly unfair and more selfish that not taking food out for the other person. They seem to have lost sight of the fact that you are their daughter and that this is affecting you too. Tell them both that. Once you've done that, I think you'll feel a bit better. Perhaps they'll even back off a bit too from trying to get you to "take sides". This is what all the b1tching is for - it's a natural reflex as far as I'm aware - but it's not for you to do. Dont' referee - just make it very, very clear that you're hurt and you don't want to hear the b1tching.

Order yourself that food - I know it'll feel pretty difficult to eat right now, but once you smell it, you'll definitely feel hungry! Don't let their mess make you ill too sweetie. You're stronger than you might think you are... and we can't be doing with you starving at that end!! Remember that we love you - and we care if you do or don't eat - don't you dare go getting all skinny and hungry on us!! We won't have anything to hug if you do that!!

Fwan sweetie Emmas right, they need to do some growing up!. You have to tell both of them to stop dragging you into their situation because your suffering enough!.

Theres always two sides to a story in a relationship breakup, and if your dad doesn't want to be with your mum then it's sad but she'll have to accept it.

From your last post there it sounds like your mum is wanting a sympathy vote from you?.

she doesnt even listen to anything i have to say.
But Since the breakup thing. Bunny likes me nd has been on my side.

I had an arguement on the phone today to my boyfriend about the rabbit.
"i dont want a zoo up here, rabbits need looking after much more than cats and much more affection" "rabbits smell" " she needs to go to the vet to be put down because she is inbred anyway"
OKAY HER POO MIGHT SMELL LIKE really swetted up underarms.
and just because she has her teeth like that.. *has to go every 2 weeks to the vet to get her teeth cut*
But after 30 mins of his discussing with me while i was not answering him.
and when we changed topic he came out of no where and said.
"you can take the rabbit up if you love her so much"
"im sory i hadnt thought about your feelings when i said those things"

so i got my way

but can anyone tell me why my 12 week old kitten wants to hump my rabbit?

maybe it's because the rabbit smells like sweated up armpits maybe kittens find it attractive

heh maybe, he was nibbling my underarms yesterday

fwan, sweetie, Emma is right - don't let yourself be forced into acting as a referee. If I remember your posts correctly, your father has physically abused your mom, your mom drinks, both of them are deaf and rely on you to some extent to "mediate" when they are dealing with the hearing, so you've spent most of your life acting as a sort of "buffer", which makes you very vulnerable in this situation. Your parents are adults and aren't unable to communicate with each other - so let them do so, in the interests of self-preservation.
One thought about the rabbit. It's "technically" your mom's, and if she is going to have to live alone, wouldn't it be better if she had at least the rabbit for company? Here in Germany no landlord can legally prohibit ownership of a small animal that is caged (at least in theory; some people have a cage for show only) or in a tank, though dogs and cats are an entirely different matter. So her keeping the rabbit won't be a problem as far as a new apartment is concerned.

i know tricia. but my rabbit is never in her cage!! only when she is drinking and eating and toiletting.
The only problem is that my mum cant take her to the vet, I fainted at the vet when they were cleaning out my rabbits eye as she had some sort of flu and since then they dont let me in there when the rabbit is checked up on.
The house im moving into the woman has a cat, its a russian blue and its called devil so she doesnt mind us having a cat. SHe has a dog too but she built this huge thing for it.
Apparently the house is only 35sq?, but it looks bigger.
I will take the rabbit if my mother goes into rehab.
Thing is i knew that the rabbit and cat would bond eventually, but i didnt expect it so soon.
I was considering to get another kitten if i start to get too busy. because i dnt want my cat to be alone!
Plus im always home and when i go to the shops and come home he is always happy to see me.

The lawyer didnt call me back today which i am not pleased about.
They are planning something to do with my mum and im not too keen, I have suspicions.
This morning i woke up crying. I dreamt that my mum was laying on the floor beside the couch all yellow and with a pack of pills in her hand, and died as i got the ambulance in. I just never though i could see my mother in that such state.

Dear Fwan, I just only can send you good Vibes...

Originally Posted by fwan

The lawyer didnt call me back today which i am not pleased about.
They are planning something to do with my mum and im not too keen, I have suspicions.
This morning i woke up crying. I dreamt that my mum was laying on the floor beside the couch all yellow and with a pack of pills in her hand, and died as i got the ambulance in. I just never though i could see my mother in that such state.

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Such fears are natural in such a situation, but don't let yourself get hung up on a guilt trip. We're all responsible for our own lives, meaning your mum is, too. It's not that I don't sympathize with her - I really do, but I feel it unfair that an 18-year-old girl living in a foreign country whose language she doesn't speak fluently is being burdened with the whole mess. Do you have any relatives - aunts, uncles, cousins - that you can turn to for help?

Tricia is right there - these fears are entirely natural, and they seem much worse when we care so deeply about someone. I went through a phase in my life where every night I saw my little brother get killed in some other wierd and wonderful way, Eventually I learned to shove them aside, realising that I only suffered so much at seeing them BECAUSE I love him so much... after that the dreams got more ridiculous and I saw him chop his own hand off with a step-ladder. Clever. They're easier to laugh off when they're wierd. Don't you fret over your parents. I know they have impaired hearing, but as a married couple, they should be able to communicate with eachother instead of having to "use" you as their messenger. I'ts not the best place to be sweetie, and you have to take thta step back and say "look, it's their life, I've got my own to look out for". You have a future ahead of you that can be so much better than what you're experiencing now - and the only way you can get that, is to let your parents sort out this mess by themselves. If you get dragged in, you could lose all that you're dreaming of. I'd hate to see that happen to you. You're a really intelligent young lady with a lot of love in your heart - you have a lot to offer in life and you'll see the results of all that given back to you by the people who love you. I love you - we all love you - and your parents love you too. Even if they're too blind to see past their own little worlds just now. You love your parents just as much, but for your own sake, get out of there, and you can keep that love instead of growing to resent them for hurting you by their being too ignorant of your feelings. Take your heart and soul while they're still in one piece. And your stomach. Never forget the bit of life that requires food You're far too young to have to take on the burden of someone elses mess - a mess that they should be able to cope with by themselves. Don't get old before your time, because you'll miss out on a helluva lot. Anyone you turn to will offer you help - take it. Ask for it. This is your life, and as they say, it is what you make of it. We'd like you to make the best of it As for the pets, try not to worry so much about them until you're on your own feet and living with your boyfriend. I know it sounds heartless, but you have to be absolutely certain that you can take care of yourself before you take on an animal as well, for both yours and the animals sakes. I would definitely ask around for other relatives to help you, if you are able to. I think your boyfriend came to the right conclusion over your feelings - and he knows what it's like to go through it which makes me doubly pleased for you. You have someone who is going to take notice of how you feel. That's special. You take good care tonight and we'll talk agian soon beb

Originally Posted by jcat

Do you have any relatives - aunts, uncles, cousins - that you can turn to for help?

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I have already told my parents that they have made too many mistakes that im trying to fix now.
example with school. Now im repeating year 11 because this year i slacked off. Not only because of motivation but because dad was in hospital, then mum was in hospital, then dad once got abusive towards me and chucked me out of the house so i left for a few weeks, then i got caught up working for an ass**** in the restuarant, then i left again... then i came back and now its where i am.
I'm very sorry to say but i will never love my father.
he will only ever be somebody there who has supported me financially.
He never calls me his daughter. He favours my cousin more than me. She has the same name as me just older.
Unfortunately im not close with any family in scotland.. My mum bad mouthed them in letters and so they never keep contact anymore.
I could only tlak to my cousin in sicily, because her parents are deaf too and they are seperated still. her dad is my dads brother. They got seperated about 5 years ago or so now. I know that my cousin Simona which is her sister and a year younger than me didnt take it too well and turned into a punk. I think i might give them a call, because i never knew their situation or how they coped.
But with the rest of the family in sicily how can i turn to them?
I have no family here in germany so it really sucks.
Although my boyfriends real father calls me his daughter in law and we had only met 4 times.. and his mother does too

I feel really sick. I want to pack but i get choked up in my throat.. and i cant stop shaking, its not like im cold but i have noticed that in the past month i get really shaky when im scared or upset.

Originally Posted by fwan

She calls me over to tell me that my dad is selfish for taking out food for him self and not for us.
Then i ask her what she wants to eat and she says she doesnt know.
Now she is eating in the kitchen and says she hasnt eaten for 2 days. and she tells me to fu*k off and she will only eat bread.
I planned to order food but i think im off it for the moment

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I am so sorry for this, and I hope you'll take what I'm about to say as it is intended, to be helpful. You need to accept that you aren't responsible for how they treat themselves or each other, or you. All you can be is responsible for how you react to them, and how you care for yourself.

It would be in your own best interest, IMHO, to move out. The way you are being spoken to is abusive, the way you are being treated, is abusive.

I hope you will find a friend that you can move in with, and do so, for your own sake.

Tell them both you love them, I can tell you do, but that you feel it's time for you to move out.

Please consider this.

ps I just read jcat's advice and your reply, so I see what I'm saying is a bit redundant...I still hope you will find a way to move in a caring, safe, calm environment, this kind of turmoil is exhausting and very difficult to live in day after day.

Lilie cat i love you too
I oculdnt leave my cat behind.
I feel like its my own child, i even treat him like a child?
Plus this cat is my responsability not theirs.
I was just crying and my kitty just jumped on my lap and looked at me as if "whats wrong??" then he jumped off as i got too shaky

Originally Posted by Pat & Alix

I am so sorry for this, and I hope you'll take what I'm about to say as it is intended, to be helpful. You need to accept that you aren't responsible for how they treat themselves or each other, or you. All you can be is responsible for how you react to them, and how you care for yourself.

It would be in your own best interest, IMHO, to move out. The way you are being spoken to is abusive, the way you are being treated, is abusive.

I hope you will find a friend that you can move in with, and do so, for your own sake.

Tell them both you love them, I can tell you do, but that you feel it's time for you to move out.

Please consider this.

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I agree with this advice, fwan. If you don't mind my asking, how did you all end up in Germany in the first place?

Thanx pat&alix, My lwyer told me i have to move out from these psychos.
i was planning to move out some time next year but now its becoming just before xmas

Originally Posted by jcat

I agree with this advice, fwan. If you don't mind my asking, how did you all end up in Germany in the first place?

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My dad works at the italian consulate.

Fwan, I know how it feels to get shaky when you're scared (I do it every time my son throws up - it's a phobia, but the effect is the same). I still haven't found a way of getting over it - even facing it hasn't helped much. Your boyfriends parents sound really sweet and they obviously love you and are willing to help you. You can always do what I did, which was throw everything into a black bin-liner and not worry about how I was packing it.... and sort it all out once you get to the other end. That way you don't have enough time to convince yourself that you should be staying, or to think again about packing and giving it "one more day". I know that's not what you're trying to do, but somewhere in your head there's always that little thought lurking. It did in my case. It took me a month to pack and get out of the house - I was in completely different circumstances, but it still needed to be done. The longer I waited, the harder it got. I packed everything and left within an afternoon. Everything went into a big black bag and I just left and didn't look back. You're only responsible for your own life beb, let your parents wallow in their own mess - you've got better things to look forward to. The sooner you can get out of there, the better. When you've hit bottom... the only way left for you to go is up