sorry guys, i am bored, and have nothing to talk about, so i figured i would share some jokes, everyone could always use a good laugh-hope none of these are too racy
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?".
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see.", replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and ask, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men", the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy;" Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men, One for January, one for February, one for March..."
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Bumper sticker seen on a cookie delivery truck:
"Driver carries no money; he's married."
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A billionaire.
A married man left from work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked "How would you like it if you didn't see ME for a couple of days??"
"That would suit me just fine!!" the man said.
Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday went by with the same result. Wednesday went by and he STILL didn't see her. Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.
Andy Rooney on Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't! help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'how can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!
She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the wall!"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see.", replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and ask, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men", the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy;" Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men, One for January, one for February, one for March..."
She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
"Driver carries no money; he's married."
Two mothers-in-law.
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A billionaire.
"That would suit me just fine!!" the man said.
Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday went by with the same result. Wednesday went by and he STILL didn't see her. Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.
Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't! help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'how can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!
She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the wall!"