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marriage humor

post #1 of 26
Thread Starter 
sorry guys, i am bored, and have nothing to talk about, so i figured i would share some jokes, everyone could always use a good laugh-hope none of these are too racy
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?".
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see.", replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and ask, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men", the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy;" Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men, One for January, one for February, one for March..."

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

Bumper sticker seen on a cookie delivery truck:
"Driver carries no money; he's married."

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A billionaire.

A married man left from work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked "How would you like it if you didn't see ME for a couple of days??"
"That would suit me just fine!!" the man said.
Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday went by with the same result. Wednesday went by and he STILL didn't see her. Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.

Andy Rooney on Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't! help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'how can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!
She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the wall!"
post #2 of 26

Here's one:
Boudreaux and his wife, Clothilde, go car shopping. They find one they like and agree on a price. While the salesman is drawing up the paper work Clothilde gets up and walks out. Boudreaux follows asking what's wrong and she simply replies she changed her mind. They leave and on the way home he keeps asking her why she changed her mind. She finally gives in and tells him, " Boudreaux, I don't want no car that has XL on it....it's bad enough my underwear does....I don't want to advertise it."
post #3 of 26
Mrs. boudreaux went to the local newpaper and said she wanted to put in the obituray column that Boudreaux had died. They told her that is would be $1.00 per word. She said,"Here's $2.00 - put in der dat BOUDREAUX DIED." They said, Mrs. Boudreaux, surely you want mo' den dat." She said."Mais, no, jus Boudreaux died." The editor said."Well, you're a lil upset . Bring yoself back tomorra an you will probably tink of somefin else." She came back the next day and said,"Here tree mo dollas, add BOAT FA SALE."
post #4 of 26
LMBO!! too funny!!
post #5 of 26

these are great!!! I will try and think of one to add
post #6 of 26
post #7 of 26
Hee heee, good one....
post #8 of 26
Those are cute... I love the very first one!
post #9 of 26
Very funny earned some grins in my office!!
post #10 of 26
post #11 of 26
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Marriage is a 3 ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
The husband is sitting down reading the paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head witha frying pan.
"What was that for?" he says. "That's for the piece of paper in your pocket with MArylou written on it!" He explains,"Two days a ago i went to the races, Marylou was the name of the horse I bet on!" She apologizes and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he's sitting there again and she sneaks up behind him a whacks him real good - knocks him out cold! When he comes to he says,"What was that for?!"
She tells him,"Your horse called."
post #12 of 26
post #13 of 26
Originally Posted by catherine
Mrs. boudreaux went to the local newpaper and said she wanted to put in the obituray column that Boudreaux had died. They told her that is would be $1.00 per word. She said,"Here's $2.00 - put in der dat BOUDREAUX DIED." They said, Mrs. Boudreaux, surely you want mo' den dat." She said."Mais, no, jus Boudreaux died." The editor said."Well, you're a lil upset . Bring yoself back tomorra an you will probably tink of somefin else." She came back the next day and said,"Here tree mo dollas, add BOAT FA SALE."
ROFL.. Those are jokes that my Stella used to tell me when I was little.
post #14 of 26
post #15 of 26
Thread Starter 
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go
fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone
for a week.
This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting
so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and
tackle box? We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to
pick my things up."
"Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she does
exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little
tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why
didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
You'll love the answer...
* The wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle box."

ooh, busted!
post #16 of 26
post #17 of 26
Thread Starter 
* i edited a few things in this one, wasnt sure about it...

-Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to
lights and darks.

-Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along
the way, cover up any exposed areas.

-Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do
more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

-Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah and pumice stone.

-Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added

-Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

-Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

-Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until

-Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.

-Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces
in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

-Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.

-Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

-Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.

-Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

-If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

-Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in
a pile.

-Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake *bottom*
at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

-Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

-Admire the size of your *lower half* and scratch your a$$.

-Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

-Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

-Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

-Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

-Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

-Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.

-Rinse off and get out of shower.

-Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was
hanging out of tub the whole time.

-Admire *bottom* size in mirror again.

-Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

-Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off
towel, shake *bottom* at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

-Throw wet towel on bed.

A husband walks into Frederick's of Hollywood to
purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range
from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the
higher the price.
He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and
takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go
upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's
so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do
the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that
for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot. ..............
Funeral services are pending

(this isnt marriage related, but it is still funny)

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the
younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she
burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped
her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After
listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young
doctor was writing on his clipboard. "What's the matter with you?" the
older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, has four grown
children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does
she still have the hiccups?"
post #18 of 26
post #19 of 26
post #20 of 26
While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Clothilde and Boudreaux listened to the instructor, Bubba Thibodeaux.
"It is very impotant dat husbands and wives know da tings dat are impotant to each utter" Thibodeaux said to the men. "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Boudreaux leaned over, touched Clothilde's arm and gently whispered," It's Pillsbury aint it?"
post #21 of 26
Ok maybe Im getting carried away with the Boudreaux and Clothilde jokes but I live in Louisiana and some of these are not too far fetched! I promise this is the last one:

Down da bayou in Thibodeaux, Louisiana, Clothilde and Boudreaux are having an argument about who should brew the coffee each mornin. Clothilde argues,"You should do it b/c you git up foist and den we don't have ta wait as long fer our coffee."
Boudreaux argues, " No, you do it. You in charge of cookin round here, dats yo job. I can wait fer my coffee."
Clothilde replies," No, you do it an da Bible sez so!"
Boudreaux blows up and shouts he wants proof!!
Clothilde fetches the Bible and opens the New Testament and sure enough at the top of several pages it indeed says, "HEBREWS" - Boudreaux gets to work!
post #22 of 26

I had to go through it slowly until i grasped the way it had to be said then read it again
post #23 of 26
Rotlf! these are good!
post #24 of 26

But is HEBREWS meant to be a bad joke???

I like the hiccup one!!
although some women do get pregnant at 60!! :S
and i will keep in mind the pijama silk one
post #25 of 26
An oldie bt a goodie…

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee and says, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do," she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued... "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too," she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said..."I would have gotten out today."

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted they fell asleep, awakening around 8.00 p.m.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 8.00 p.m."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying b%£*@^d! You've been playing golf!!"
post #26 of 26
Thread Starter 
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